When bagging a dog
Don't forget Pakistanis find them unclean.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Before heading off to have sex in public in a car-park or a secluded spot
don't forget to pack your dogging bag.

Edit: which would contain, ummm... suggestions?
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 13:32, 10 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

African business opportunities
You may occasionally find yourself receiving lucrative business opportunties by mail. Details vary, but a typical story involves the colourfully named son of a Nigerian president and a large, specified amount of USD, 15% of which will be yours if you provide your assistance in transferring the money to your country.

Do not trust the people who send you these mails! When dividing the loot, they will use their dexterity to short change you, leaving you with less than 15% of the total amount, occasionally as little as 10%.
(spinoza, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 11:28, Reply)

News channels
Make the tweets you make up & show on screen more convincing by keeping them within 140 characters.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 14 Sep 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge
Just in case you fancy a black coffee.
(57841, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 21:00, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When asking for a doggy bag
Fuck i done it wrong
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 13:23, Reply)

when visiting a prostitute
Be sure to request a donkey punch, just remember to specify whether or not to receive.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 10 Sep 2010, 21:54, Reply)

{Vaguely Amusing setup}
{Punchline involving doggy bag}
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Fri 10 Sep 2010, 16:10, Reply)

When visiting Korea
Don't ask for a doggy bag.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 10 Sep 2010, 16:07, Reply)

After being with a prostitute
don't ask for a doggy-bag
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 10 Sep 2010, 14:18, Reply)

After a pedicure
do not ask for a doggy-bag.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 10 Sep 2010, 13:53, Reply)

You!
Read the instructions on a webpage before venting your inappropriate misplaced rage on it
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 23:41, Reply)

Lorry drivers
If, between sessions of murdering prostitutes, you ever find yourself behind the wheel of a red Volvo extended articulated flatbed with a crane, an ever-so-witty "if you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you" sticker, and a license plate which reads X474JOF, on a soaking wet spray-filled M25, and you want to move right from lane 1 to lane 2, you should consider your wing mirrors entirely optional. There is no requirement whatsoever to check for any cars which might be sitting in lane 2, parallel to your fuel tank, and which might have their headlights switched on in an evidently vain attempt to improve other drivers' chances of seeing them. Your fellow road users always appreciate the bowel-loosening rush of fear and adrenaline which accompanies the realisation that they could be dead in less than a minute. Furthermore, if any such road users ever drop down two gears and floor it past the front of your lorry because the other three options are to brake hard enough for your lorry to pass in front completely before it completes its lane change and either lose traction on the wet road or be rear-ended by a van, swerve to the right and hit the passenger side of another car, or remain in position and be crushed by your lorry, you should consider it your duty to lean on the horn and flash your headlights in a specious attempt to rebuke the other driver for averting a collision and saving his own life, because such audible and visual signals serve to let other road users know what a useless, fat, mouth-breathing cunt you are.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:58, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

BBC News 24 producers
When broadcasting a supposedly "live" interview at 08:14 in the morning, according to your own on-screen clock and ident, make sure that the interviewee isn't standing in front of the clock tower at the Palace of Westminster. Otherwise, it gives away to your viewers that you're lying and your supposedly "live" interview isn't live at all. It also encourages your viewers to wonder just how much of your output is truthful when you're willing to lie about something so trivial.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 8:26, Reply)

Do you have trouble using those small nail scissors with your left hand
(to cut the nails on your right hand, obviously)

Try using a small set of wire cutters. I have found them to be much easier to use ambidextrously.
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Wed 8 Sep 2010, 20:20, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Superstitious people
Get the fuck over yourselves. If I'm stirring a cup of tea with a knife, it's because people have taken all the fucking teaspoons out of the kitchen - it doesn't mean I'm stabbing the baby Jesus and it doesn't mean that somebody in my family or yours is going to die. If you sneeze and I don't say "Bless you", it doesn't mean I want Satan to steal your soul. The number 13 comes between 12 and 14, and isn't an optional part of the sequence of integers.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 8 Sep 2010, 12:02, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Regular ejaculation helps to prevent prostrate problems
Wank yourself healthy.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Wed 8 Sep 2010, 10:27, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Mike your mane source more interestingly
by spanking a thoroughly miniature Steve, whilst dating a toast tinner
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Wed 8 Sep 2010, 0:17, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Make your man sauce more interesting
by spunking through a miniature sieve, whilst eating a roast dinner
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 23:24, Reply)

Don`t let your Gf buy a poundland book on "Feng Shui"
Otherwise you may find your smell free underarm squirt next to your shaving foam, and if 5 dioptre plus short sighted, contact lens free and just out of the shower in a hurry not having shaved mistake one silver own brand squirt for the other, having carefully put them at opposite ends of the shelf to avoid this previously.
It was a an almost insignificant contributory factor to goodbye in the scheme of things.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 22:08, Reply)

Make your gravy on your roast dinners more interesting
by adding a couple of spoons of man sauce when mixing the gravy.

For some reason it tastes nicer than adding later when eating the fanny.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 18:43, Reply)

When administering Optrex
it is important to note that the Vicks Sinex Nasal Spray bottle looks very very similar.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 16:02, Reply)

Friendless poseurs!
When taking a picture of yourself to post on Facebook, don't point your cameraphone at a mirror and take a picture of your reflection. Turn it round so it faces you, then look in the mirror to see what's in the viewfinder. That way there isn't a camera obscuring your face, and it might look like someone else took it, implying you have a friend.
Also, put your damn shirt on you raging mincer.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 12:42, Reply)

Make your gravy on your roast dinners more interesting
by adding a couple of spoons of mint sauce when mixing the gravy.

For some reason it tastes nicer than adding the mint sauce later when eating the food.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 12:28, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't get a Sony Ericsson Xperia X10 as they are utter wank
If you make a call, you can't hear the other person unless you're in the soundproof chamber where they test Bang & Olufsen microphones. Which is a utterly shite for a phone

Oh, and it runs an outmoded version of Android. Imagine buying a new 'Windows laptop" from a big name like Dell or Compaq and it turns out it's running Windows XP.

Get a HTC Desire or something like that.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 10:21, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Barbecue glove
Need to buy a new barbecue glove? Go to your local DIY store and buy a welding glove instead. Just as good, if not better, and costs about a quarter of the price.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 9:22, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Do not ever
Tell an ex girlfriend she couldnt possibly be pregnant by you because "I never spunked within a mile of you man."

You may meet her in town a year or two later and she may be incredibly attractive and deny any advances.
Bollocks!

Edit: The comment was true though. She was horrific in the sack.
(bredstkcriminal, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 23:21, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Fire Prevention
Upon finding your 9yr old son has removed the toaster from the kitchen and placed it on his bedroom window sill, directly under the net curtains. DO ask what is he up to. However, when he tells you that, "it is to save him time in the morning and that he will get more time in bed on school days" DO NOT attempt to give advice regarding fire safety while pissing yourself laughing.

He will not take it in, and will attempt the same stunt the next week!
(SamuraiMongoose, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 17:26, Reply)

Dealing with the M5 Southbound out of Bristol
There are four lanes going up hill after Gordano services. These taper to three at the top as the crawler lane for HGVs and caravan-towing cars are deemed to be over the worst of their hard slog.

No matter how fast you want to drive up there, so does everyone else so if you're in lane four (the inside lane) at the top you will be jammed into everyone in lane 3 (next one in) so you always have two lanes' worth of impatient speedy bastards suddenly having to mesh in the last 100 yards.

This is why you should always take Lane 2, avoid the juggernauts in the crawler lane but don't end up scrapping for a slot that is only 6 inches longer than your own car in between the aggressive angry drivers that are sparring it out in lanes 3 and 4. I've done that journey at least 75 times on busy Friday afternoons since there was a 4th lane built and seen plenty of mistaken comings-together at the top of that stretch because no-one is willing to give an inch and you usually end up sailing up the inside while they grind to a temporary halt. (p.s. this is not 'undertaking' as they're fucking things up by having to stop and the inner lanes aren't going to wait out of courtesy until they finally get themselves sorted again).
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 3 Sep 2010, 23:34, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Give your girlfriend the most incredible sex she's ever had
By telling her to sleep with me.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 12:13, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)