At the pub
In my (not so) lovely hometown of Walsall, I wandered out for a pint or 5 at the pub.
After getting a bit bored, I walked further into town, and found somewhere or other selling one of my favourite pints at £1.19 as the "ale of the day". When I came out, there were some Christians giving out free warm drinks.
I sat opposite a TV. That was a good night.
( Didyoumissme1, Wed 20 Sep 2006, 0:35, Reply)

Xbox 360
I decided to text into one of those "drink this gut rot and spend MORE money on a text and you might win an xbox..." i thought who cares 25p.... plus the £1.50 for the bottle.... i would be crazy to miss out on this.
Get put into the next draw to be checked at midnight. Got tired 5 minutes later and went to bed.... midnight comes and i get a text back thinking its going to be the standard "thanks for the money try again" instead its a congrats you have won a xbox 360 we will contact you soon!
Turn to the other half with glee to wake her up to tell her the good news. after several attempts at "are you AWAKE!!!!!" she finally stires to look at said message and say "i bet its a con go back to bed"

oh how my joy died..... although sure enough a few days later an xbox premium edition turns up at door :-D

woo yay! saved £270!!!! and got to be a smug bastard all day.

never won anything else.... but glad i have an xbox 360 to keep me busy while i wait.. i still wear the headset sometimes... even tho no one talks to me.....
(pierce, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 22:23, Reply)

Escape from Orpington
I used to work for popular cosmetics and not-dead-things bath rubbish company Lush. I only ever met one other straight man while working there - everyone else employed by Lush is a cute girl, so that was rather nice...

Two weeks after starting we had a Christmas party at a posh club off Regent Street. The bar was free to a certain extent, but not cocktails UNTIL the boss got drunk and said YAY WOO COCKTAILS ARE FREE TOO! I got durnked...

I left to get my last train home, sat down among the throngs of drunken office party revellers, and promptly fell into a drunken sleep.

The next thing i know I'm walking down a dual carriageway. After a bit i drunkenly realise that i'm in ORPINGTON. I must have got to the end of the line and been removed from the train! How odd.. And orpington was a long way away from where I lived...

After wandering, getting thoroughly lost, and trying to find a taxi, without any success, I give up and resign myself to the fact that I'm probably going to be stuck in Orpington all night.

At which point i turn the next corner, where a nice warm number 47 bus is waiting to take me to RIGHT OUTSIDE MY DOOR.

So free cocktails, cute girls, and miraculous rescuing from Kent all in one night..

The job was piss easy too!
(Ian William Galloway Accepts All Responsibility. Ever., Tue 19 Sep 2006, 21:34, Reply)

Liver
My friend had liver failure. They never found out why, her liver just completely packed up. She had about 2 days to live when some kid died and she got their liver. Absolutely awful for the family of the dead kid, but my friend is still alive, so I have someone to go to the pub quiz with. :)

Apologies for lack of humour but none for perspective.
(Pachey, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 21:29, Reply)

Not so much luck as effort but...
I was reminded of this occurence by another post about exams...

Whilst in Norway 3 years ago I was sitting an exam in norwegian (not my first language, and had only started learning the language a year before). The subject was Norwegian (as a first language, equivelant to an english exam for us).

Not only did I get an A, but beat EVERYONE in the class... And there were some damn smartarses there too... YAY!

As far as luck goes, When I acidently broke my fridge by using a hammer and screw driver to defrost the freezer - word to the wise, it only works if you're VERY careful - myp arents blagged me a free new, better one :)

And my cooker was slowly dying, until my flatmates mum found us a 3-4 year old one for free :)

YAY!

The girlfriend loves it...
(errrggghhhh should be doing something else, but what was it?!, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 21:26, Reply)

company share scheme ...
... allowed me to buy a certain number of shares at a reduced price, per quarter. OK, except that one quarter they bought and allocated a year's worth of shares, all at the reduced price. This was over the amount allowed under regulations, so the company paid the difference, and I got a wodge of equity that will be a house deposit at some point. The profit if I sold them today would be something like 120%...
( bnt what, me worry?, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 20:46, Reply)

exams...
i have a memory like a fish.

i had about 4-5 pages of equations to revise before an exam, and my mate accidentally set fire to my note. needless to say i went in and blagged the exam.

i passed with 65%.

who says blind faith doest get you through :D
(konigsred, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 20:45, Reply)

The Telly
I entered a church raffle when I was ten... and won! The prize was a colour TV. This was quite a big deal in South Africa in 1978 - they'd only had TV at all since 1976, and the things were not cheap.
There was a catch, though: the TV was at another church, 200 miles away. We were at the north-west end of Natal (near Ladysmith), while the TV was on the coast south of Durban. This was an opportunity for the Nuns to go and hang out with other Nuns and do Nunnish things. (I suspected they "hung out" upside down in the church belfry, to be frank.)
So we all piled in to their van, my Dad driving, and a reasonably nice time was had by all. The TV itself was the stroke of luck, the envy of the neighbours, though it also served to show just how poor we were. These days even "the poor" have Sky+ and LCDs...
( bnt what, me worry?, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 20:31, Reply)

Smuggling a 7ft Welshman into the fortress of Glastonbury...
I'm not sure if this is appropriate to the question but i've been waiting for an opportunity to unleash this puppy for a while.

Me and my friends once smuggled an enormous Welshman into Glastonbury. All it took was some cunning, strength (both mental and physical), some human rights violations, and luck.

As you're all aware, obtaining tickets has been obscenely difficult in the past few years. 2005 was made more difficult for Welsh Battleship, Rhodri, as he'd had about 10 pints of turbo-Rosie the night before and was asleep (and unwakeable) during the 10-minute-ticket-buying window.

A glastonbury without him was inconceivable so me and my friends plotted various schemes to try and smuggle him in.

If 8 of us carried him rolled up in a big army tent, would that work?

How about carrying him in a kayak case?

These were all ridiculous ideas and it was finally midnight the night before my friend fil and I were each to drive our respective cars to the festival bright and early that the final and ultimate solution struck us.

As we sat despondently in my bedroom, head in hands.. fil noticed a larger than average suitcase in the corner. Obviously rhodri couldn't fit in it but if only we could find someone small enough... someone with a ticket... someone asian perhaps?

quite handy that we had studied computer science at university. we found someone we knew who was quite small (asian) and had a ticket. we exagerrated the size of the case by about 150% (making it sound, quite frankly, unrealistic... who on earth would have had a suitcase that big?). Anyway he said he would have to have a look at the case and then see... and he would meet us in the car park the next day. Good enough for us.

Next phase: fil was to convince Rhodri to come to Glastonbury (in the middle of nowhere) without a ticket. My job was to handle the small ticket problem.

Glastonbury tickets must be accompanied with an ID bearing the same name as on the ticket.

It occurred to us, that our abominable Welsh friend didn't not look like a 'Nathan Chong'. So not only did I have to make Rhodri a fake ID, I had to change the name and he would have to explain about a typo when he purchased it. 'Nathan ChongER', he would now be officially called. I knocked up a perfect absolute spot-on copy of a Jersey driving licence (as they still use paper cards) with Rhodri's passport photo ('shopped from a picture of him drinking a forementioned 'turbo-Rosie) and the name Nathan Chonger. I was up until 4 am but enormously proud of my work.

===================

CHAPTER 2

We arrived at the carpark at about 2pm. It was a stifling 30-something degrees and the suitcase was all laid out on my back seat. Inside it was a ready-and-waiting pillow and a carton of pineapple juice.

Rhodri arrived and awaited his destiny. He was very nervous. We on the other hand were entirely confident.

When Chinese Nathan arrived we took his tent off him and sent a scout team to erect it just inside the gates, where we would release him from the suitcase and into the wild.

Nathan didn't however mention that he was claustrophobic and although wasn't previously worried given the measurements of the case, was now terrified upon actually measuring the case. Due to his extreme reluctance, it took 4 of us to get him into the case. He was instructed not to talk as it might blow our cover but to comfort him we spoke to him referred to as 'the stella' (i.e. i hope the STELLA's not too hot in there, only 5 more minutes until we can get out the STELLA etc.)

We estimated (randomly) he had about 20 minutes of breathable air in there and so hurrying the heavy little bugger 2 miles from the car park was going to be tough. especially after the wheels broke off the case within 10 minutes.

Lucky bit:

We finally arrived at the gate, red, flustered, gasping, and moist. at the crucial moment the handles broke off, leaving our precious cargo right in the middle of the track looking very suspicious. luckily backup came in the form of a fil's girlfriend clanging pre-prepared (empyty) glass bottles in her back to distract the converging security. it worked and we hauled the case back up and swiftly moved through.

threw it into the tent and about 5 minutes later emerged the sweatiest chinese man anyone has probably ever seen ever.

rhodri had no problems blagging the security muppet with the typo story and he triumphantly marched through to meet us.

it's difficult to live with the fact that we shall never again achieve anything as great in our entire lives.

proof? photos:

www.flickr.com/photos/philchambers/22547035/in/photostream/

www.flickr.com/photos/philchambers/22547320/

www.flickr.com/photos/philchambers/22547269/in/photostream/

The bad news was that 2 days later Nathan was evicted from the site for not having an arm band. Sorry Nathan.

Longest answer ever?
(dazsnow the "ever amazing" - cowjam said so once, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 18:40, Reply)

i found £20 on the pavement
it was so rank looking, i took it to the bank, to see if it was even real money. expecting to be arrested for bringing forged money into a bank i was pleased as punch when they exchanged it for a crisp new one.

not funny, but made my day :)
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 18:06, Reply)

God's own consolation prize
My kid bro had a mate who'd entered a competition to win the first ride on the London Eye. She won it, and was allowed to take 10 mates. Kid bro and his fiancee were 2 of them.

As everyone knows, the engineers didn't pass the Wheel in time for the Millenium, so BA hired a barge and laid on a free bar and party on the river. Bro and g/f get ratted, yay!

It gets better. 15 minutes to midnight, the head of BA stands up and announces that not only will everyone get the first go when the Wheel is spun up, but everyone gets a free open first class ticket anywhere in the world during 2000!

Then my bro got down on one knee as the fireworks were going off, and proposed. That got them in the paper, and they were married in Oz later that year.

It's not the size but the technique...
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 17:12, Reply)

Wedding 2 years ago
My boss at the time had offered to buy my wedding dress, up to $1,000, as his wedding gift to me.
So, his wife and I went down to the bridal shop, and as soon as I laid eyes on this one particular dress, I knew I had to try it on - price tag showed $859. I picked out a few others as well to try on, but as soon as I tried the first one on, I knew that was it - it didn't need any adjustments, and I looked fab in it.

I also picked out a tiara (which I was paying for), as I look a twat in a veil.
So, off we tootle to the cash register to pay for it, and lo! there is a 25% discount sale going on. The girl rings up the dress.........$89........ok, say we, this must be wrong......the girl on the register insisted we have it at that price as that is what it rang up as. Sweeeeet! Needless to say, the boss also bought the $140 tiara!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 17:10, Reply)

Money money money
How's this for a little good fortune!

Was rootling about on my dressing table this morning, and stumbled across three lovely £20 notes. I have absolutely no recollection of putting them there myself, or of anyone having given them to me.

The money fairy must have dropped them last night, she ain't having them back!

Also, I am reminded now of an event that I tried to push to the back of my mind a long time ago. I was driving through the back and beyond of Salisbury, pottering along at about 50-60mph. Suddenly realised that the road along which I was pottering was about to come to an end (all signs warning of a junction had been completely obscured by trees). Cue me stomping on brakes, shutting eyes and skidding to a halt on after the junction....on the wrong side of the road. Here comes the incredible luck - I had stopped in exactly the direction that I wanted to be going (albeit on the wrong side of the road), and there wasn't another car to be seen anywhere. So I took a deep breath, and got the hell out of there as quickly as possible. Someone was smiling on me that day.

Absolutely no apologies for length - I enjoy telling a story!
(Krusty the Klown, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 16:51, Reply)

Believe it or not...
... a good friend of mine went to buy a new pair of over priced jeans that he couldn't afford. He picks out said pair of £120 jeans, walks into the changing rooms and trys them on, puts his hands in the pockets (as you do) only to find £350 in crisp fifty pound notes. I have never seen someone buy a pair of jeans and leave so quickly. (he even still paid on his credit card so not to be suspicious) he then spent the next half an hour walking down the street waiting for Jeremy Beadle to appear.
(simpson, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 16:39, Reply)

if i was a rich man lalla...la
on my way to my girlfriend's house when i was 14, the local chavs on my estate jumped me and kkicked the living shit out of me, however 20mins later my older brother saw them and cracked their heads together, i soon found their phones all the money they were carrying in there pockets and a 10 bag of skunk , with anote from my brother "you should get beat up more often :-)"Thanx bro!, oh and i used the money to get some jonnys and i proceeded to my girlfriends the next day, two days in a row is pretty good luck huh ;)
(deranged_lunatic is currently rocking his self to sleep, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 16:13, Reply)

Double glazing
A few years ago I got a double glazing firm to do some work for me; new windows, front door and porch, soffits, bargeboards, etc.
Total bill - £2500
Paid deposit - £200
Work got done - promptly as I recall

Never got a bill for the rest - I think the salesman was sacked in between the completion of the work and the billing process, and threw all his paperwork away - soup herb!
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 16:06, Reply)

oooooh another one
Last month me and my housemate bought a Super Nes and have proceeded to play a couple of rounds of mariokart nearly every night after work.

I beat him all the time and last night he got in a real paddy - really eggy - because I got two invincible stars in a row and lapped him twice, wiping him out in the process.

He called me a spawny cnut and went to bed early. I cried. (Laughing)
(Party Sausage, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 15:03, Reply)

Best Glasto Ever!!
Glasto 04 could not get hold of a ticket for love nor money. Friend of mine, who we will call Tim, contacts me out of the blue and says he has been given a spare ticket...result No. 1!! So off we go and have a right old time munching anything we could get our hands on that was naughty (saw a stall offering 'Poke' at £10 a pop?!?).

Whilst loitering outside the dance tent getting nicely toasted on pear cider I put my hand out and pick up the most childishly fake 5 pound note i have ever seen. (Was basically just the number 5 drawn on toilet paper in wax crayon). After a quick look around find a pile of them, can't really be spent anywhere were people may have eyes, so off i wander into the dark cover of the dance tent and return with pocketfuls of naughtiness to keep us going.....result No. 2!!

Then comes to last day of Glasto and everyone is skint again with no real or phoney money when another acquaintance, who I will call Ilan, Kicks a wallet along the floor that has a reassuringly heavy sound. Picks it up to find another 10 'little fella's' 2 (I think) grams of Columbia’s finest and about £70....Result No.3!!

Lady luck was on her back with her legs akimbo for us that weekend......have vague memories about various bands/DJ's being good as well but they are kind of fuzzy......


Length?? Well its big enough to fill a pram!
(Scotch Egg Bollx, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 14:42, Reply)

The future Mr Quar
worked for a company which made 'collectables'.

One day, they held a sale, presumably to clear out some unsellable rubbish from their warehouse, and my kindly partner bought me some intriguing pieces for 50p each.

These included two sets featuring twee cartoon characters which were stamped 'PROPERTY OF ****. SAMPLE - NEVER TO BE SOLD'.

We immediately ebayed these unique items and spent the proceeeds on a PC for my son to take to university. That's £500, for an outlay of £2.

There was 'ell up at t'mill. Questions were asked and fingers pointed at boardroom level. The sales were never traced back to us though.

Young Master Quar did well at Oxford and is now starting his PhD. I like to think a small group of cartoon animals are smiling somewhere.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 14:34, Reply)

blown away
Staying on a campsite in Greece, I returned (quite inebriated) to my tent one night to find a group of attractive girls giggling nearby. Thinking little of it, I entered the tent and began to clumsily disrobe.

Then I heard a female voice at my flaps: "Hey, can I come in a minute?" I unzipped the tent and one of the giggling girls just stepped in univited. She too was drunk and got straight to the point:

"Look, me and my mates are doing this thing where we score points for getting off with lads. It's 5 points for a snog, 10 for a wank, 20 for a blow job ..."

Even in my pickled state, this sounded good to me. Before I knew it she'd pulled off my shorts and was working my swollen tadge with an enthusiastic tongue. However, I was so off my tits that I couldn't come and she gave up with a sore jaw and some expletives. Never mind, I thought. I'd have a good story to tell ...

But what was this? Another voice at the flaps and another of the girls. "I'll see about this," says she and starts working on my bulb with a hot mouth. This continues for many pleasurable minutes before she too gives up with a curse.

By now I'm expecting the next girl and am not disappointed. Only this one is more pissed and more up for it than the other two, and gets right to it: "Right, we're going for 30 points," she says.

Cue about fifteen minutes of multiposition shagging during which time I am still unable to come. She gives in after a while and I'm left grinning like a moron on the groundsheet, not believing what's just happened.

I woke up next morning covered in jizz.
(frankspencer, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 14:30, Reply)

Lucky Doggy
Many years ago in our first house we decided the "family" would not be complete without a little bundle of woofing fun. So we visited the local puppy pound to rehome a waif or stray. One lovely little labrador/rotweiler cross who had been badly treated by his male owner leapt out at us all doughy eyed and dribbly, Thats the one we thought and home we went. Not quite house trained, he was kept in the downstairs kitchen with a stairgate to avoid him marking his territory around the house. He was always very nervous around me and was constantly "letting by" if I got within six foot(not surprising as he used to be a punchbag for some twunt)but good as gold with Mrs.HF and the children. Any trust building he had with me dimished one cold dark winter morning at about 06:00. I came downstairs, stepped over the stairgate and lost my footing in a slightly warm squashy pile of 8hr old pedigree chum, over I went landing in various other "mines" to settle on my back with my boxers slowly soaking up something liquidy off the floor, it was then that the dog decided to "bond" and jump all over his master with varying degrees of wet, dried and slightly viscous sh*t still all over him, less than pleased and wretching heavily I pushed him off which meant he skidded across the floor clattering into the cupboards losing any faith he had mustered in me. For obvious reasons we had to find him another home. We chanced our arm as poor and warty at the time and advertised for a good family home in the paper £150. Had a call the night the advert went in, explained the problems but the family came and collected him anyway with us £150 richer. Unfotunately the poor dog wouldnt take to his new male owner and the family asked if we could take him back, We've spent the money we replied. "Oh,...will you take him back anyway?" they said. Reluctantly we did thinking we would have to consult a dog whisperer or alike. So back came the dog and within ten minutes phone rings again. "Still got the dog?"
Oh yes!
£300 made from a free collection puppy. Good home now with a lady and her fellow furry front bottom muncher, no men no problem! Still see the little fellow in the park sometimes!
Kerching!
(The Hooded Fishfinger, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 14:10, Reply)

14 and wanting to get drunk....
It had just been my 14th bday and so had some cash to spare for purchasing liquid refeshment that has the annoying habbit of doing things to your inabitions and sense of judgement that you only seem to find out about the morning after when your brain feels like it has been replaced by a small vibrating cabbage.

Well, a friend of mine and i tootled of to the local offie as he looked much older than he was to purchased a bottle of the finest JD with the £20 i had in my pocket. Very windy night, and very dark by this point we get to the offlicence only to find the note in my back pocket had gone walkies. Realising that the only cash between us now would add up to about a bottle of piss water known as white lightning we started to panic a little. (bad experiances on cider before hand will lead to neither of us ever touching the stuff ever again).

Remember that this night was very windy and you could see fuck all because the council in walsall dont see the need for street lighting and would rather spend it on a fountin that never works or an art gallery that resembles a prison (if you have seen it, you know what i mean). Well.. we start walking, carefully retracing our steps and trying not to bump into any crack-addled scum. 3/4 of a mile up the road im pissed off, cold, and in need of a fag. Stopping to roll and sitting on the wall of someones front garden, whats that i see infront of me? holy freaking shite, my £20!!!! stuck under the wheel of a merc. woo says me! and off we trundle back to local booze merchent and lived happily ever after with a bottle of Jack and a 20 box of benson.

Best luck i ever had!
(kramit http://lpjam.blogspot.com/ woo yay, blog spam, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 13:51, Reply)

Citroen toboggan.
You know that famous street in San Francisco? The really steep one?
We have a road near where I live that's obviously not quite that bad, but certainly along those lines (I estimate a minimum 45% gradient). It was about 2 years ago now, first proper snow of the winter and we were caught unawares at the pub. I'd only had 1 pint and a few cokes - being the designated driver. We left at 11 or so and my better half and I give my mate and his bird a lift home. On the intended route was this bloody big hill, I wasn't really bothered since it's a busy road and a bus route, so the council are normally shit hot to keep it well gritted. Approaching the crest of the hill, I slowed to a crawl. Feeling the car slide at the slightest hint of braking I realise that the gritter wagon hasn't been round yet. I managed to slow the car to about 1mph, but we must be over the crest 'cos the twat just kept sliding. The ABS was doing its tits, making the car shudder like an epileptic but it still wont stop. I put it into reverse and spin the wheels backwards to no effect. We're speeding up.

Looking toward the bottom of the hill (actually a flat bit half way down) about 400 yards away, I see that there's a mercedes sprinter van stopped at the roundabout and numerous cars trying to get round said roundabout and failing miserably (they were trying to climb a 5% gradient and spinning hopelessly). I'm still sliding, no brakes at all and now doing about 20mph. Friends and wife are starting to get really scared (helped by my running commentary of 'fuck I cant stop' and 'shit were getting faster' and 'no I'm not fukkin joking - i think we're going to crash!'

Long story short, I ski'ed my 3-months-old little C2 full of people about 500 yards down a fookin steep hill on a busy road, went onto the wrong side of the road to avoid a van, got the wrong way around a congested roundabout and back onto the right (left) !!CORRECT!! side of the road, and slid sideways for another 300 yards before coming to a stop.

I would pay thousands for a video of that event if one existed. I felt like a proper hero, I'd displayed fantastic car-skill and a phenomenal amount of luck in avoiding several collisions and not even scratching an alloy wheel. My heart was going like a sub-woofer at a drum'n'bass comcert when I got out of the car. I was buzzing my t!ts off on pure adrenaline. The pack of bastards with me never even made a fuss. I think the extent of my praise was something like "Aye I thought we were fucked there like..."
I left the car near by until morning and made the bastards walk home. (No choice really, I couldn't drive back up the hill to get home)

There was one other occurence, similar really winter weather and sliding cars. I took my parents to the airport at like 5am one January. It was on the way home that I slid the car - right outside our house. Our neighbour had a rather small lawn, actually the exact length of a citroen saxo 2-door.
To get onto our drive in that house, you came down-hill into the street and did a J-turn round the corner and up the drive. I slid sideways mid-trn and parked my car perfectly sideways across our opposite neighbours lawn. What was lucky about it was that my back bumper was literally less than an inch from the side of his car and my front bumper was among his connifer hedge - undamaged. I'd inadvertently managed to do what those stunt drivers do when they handbrake park perfectly between two cars, leaving no room to get back out. I'll never forget sitting in my mums dining room that frosty morning composing a note to the neighbour (I couldn't knock him out of bed at 5:30 could I??!) asking him nicely if he would give me a shout and move his car when he got up so I could drive mine off his garden.

Length? - I apologise for nothing!
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 13:13, Reply)

scotch egg bollix
Poo poo poo. Why is B3ta like cheers? the place where everyone knows your name eh?

PS, keep it schtum about the dog porn eh?
(luckymcdanger, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 12:36, Reply)

Tooth - Hurty......
Not been to the Dentist in 11 years (I know I know!!) Went last week for a check up...no fillings, no problems, and only 1 tooth needed to come out (one i had chipped a few years earlier) prety lucky considering I am just about the heaviest drinker/smoker i know!!

P.S. oi McDanger you do realise how many people who read this messageboard know both you and mrs McDanger?? Me, James, Kyle , etc, etc.....is this not how the trouble started in the first place big mouth??

P.P.S. Good news on the laptop by the way...all the dog-porn you could possibly want is now yours ;-)
(Scotch Egg Bollx, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 12:06, Reply)

Mobile Phone Sales Revenge
Heard this one from a mate; was a very good reversal of luck so to speak.

There was a large mobile phone sales callcentre in Swansea which ran for about 2 years (just as this thing was starting to take off), and for ease of explaining this I'll call it "Company A". The office was nutorious for selling phones to pretty much anyone, and every member of staff was earning between £800-£1200 a week due to the vast amount of commision they were generating.

In early 2000 the owner of "Company A" famously laid off every member of staff claiming bankrupcy, and didn't bother paying anyone for they're last two weeks employement (and dropping a few people right in the shit too). It made the papers and the local news as 200+ people hit the unemployed queues, all complaining about the lack of notice too (they'd literally turned up one morning and the office was closed). Bad way to finish it.

About a year later, the owner had opened up another business which funnily enough was named very slightly different and did exaclty the same thing. 3 members of staff from Company A who were still owed a fortnight's pay started work for Company B and found out it was the same owner. They were not happy, as the boss had scammed thousands away from themselves and their friends.

So they concocked a plan, and laughed menacingly as I just typed cock.

There was a top-end sales package, which if sold gave the member of staff £39 commision per sale. This included something like the top-end mobile at the time with insurance, 24 month contract etc; was the bee's knees of sales. These 3 members of staff had learned of a contact in Glasgow, who worked in a market there (no idea which one). The 3 guys sold the package to him repeatedly, making the 3 of them rake in about £3,000 each a week in commision alone. The guy in the market receives his phone, then sells them on at £20 a time to anyone who wants to make as many calls as they want for a month, until they get cut off.

They did this for 9 weeks and funnily enough the business did not survive. As well as avenging the previous staff from Company A they had the unexpected good fortune of making roughly £25,000 - £30,000 each in commision too.

Moral of the story; if you fuck your members of staff, they'll normally find a way to fuck you right back, and sometimes harder.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 11:55, Reply)

Great Unexpected Fortune
As a Reading Festival veteran of 7 years I was devestated to find out that the 2005 festival was sold out - especially when my favourite band Iron Maiden were destined to appear. No worries thought I, Ebay will have loads of tickets I'll buy one for £200 and I'll be sorted. Ok its more expensive than i would have wanted to pay but I've been doing regular overtime for a while so I'm minted anyway what do I care.

However, after sending my money over the genius system that is paypal I get a message a month before the festival from the company I bought the ticket through one "Glenfield trading" saying that one of the partners has run off with the money and so they were were very sorry but I'd been ripped off.

Just prior to this i had lost my job and was hence a little skimpy on funds and couldn't afford to buy another ticket off Ebay. i went out that night with the lads ended up chatting to this girl and agreed to meet up a couple of days later. Two days later we go out have a great time end up shagging and then she tells me she has a spare ticket to Reading which she'll sell me for £100 as long as I bring the tent.

We go to Reading together have a great time and now we're engaged. Wooohooo gotta love the Festival magic.
(The_Great_Stevano, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 11:47, Reply)

hmm
well I had this blod clot recently and it went all through my lungs and I didn't die. So that's kind of lucky.
( Frumbert has no sig, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 11:08, Reply)

Easy money...
Last year I was in HMV and had £30 quid in my pocket... decided to buy a couple of Cd's (2 for a fiver) and went to the till...

I at first pulled a £20 note from my pocket, but then remembered I had a £10 and didn't want to be breaking ino the £20. So I gave the cashier the tenner.

As luck would have it, the cashier must have seen the £20 and gave me the change for the £20 note. I said nothing.

So i walked away £15 richer and had two Cd's to boot.

*In off the red.
(It's long and retractable... hur hur)
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 11:02, Reply)

I usually have all the luck of a deaf dumb
armless, legless version of Jean Charles de Menezes - so competitions don't really flush me with optimism. However, if the word 'competition' is replaced with 'free stuff' i'm all ears.

Rewind to the end of May this year; my mate phones me to say that The Link (a smarmy purple electronics shop) is doing a free online competition for tickets to the Isle of Wight festival. Great, I say, but i'm not entering. Humbug.

But then he smugly mentions that he knows for a fact there are 500 pairs of tickets up for grabs and only 300 entries. Hmm, sounds like free stuff to me.

So myself and Mrs Sausage both enter seperately, as do several mates, still thinking the win is unlikely. But lo and behold two weeks later we have 8 tickets between 4 of us!

Now the festival has been sold out for weeks and these are actually going on Ebay for about 100 knicker, so we sell a couple and set off for the Isle with free beer money too.

We all end up getting smashed and seeing the Kooks, Primal Scream, Lou Reed, Foo Fighters and Fat Freddy's and Cockplay amongst others for £0.

GET IN!

No apologies for girth, it fits perfectly.
(Party Sausage, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 10:55, Reply)