avoid wetness
www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/14.jpg
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:50, Reply)

If you don't work hard at school, you'll end up working in a shop
My first job after graduating: a shop assistant (I was fired after three months)
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:49, Reply)

Coathangers
I once caught a mate hanging his jackets and shirts the wrong way round on plastic coat-hangers so that, instead of following the line of the cloth, the arms of coathangers pointed backwards.

The reason for this was delivered as advice along the lines of "never make your clothes bow down or you'll be bowing down to everyone."

I didn't argue with this sage bit of advice. If he's willing to believe that in the first place, nothing I or anyone else could say would convince him he's wrong.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:35, Reply)

If you click the "i like this" link a few times i will magically make your life better
Penis length, new porsche, bigger house, better sex life..... Go on try it.




It might work.



You just never know.




Until you try.
( Wingnutt razzle dazzle my fantasmagazzle, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:31, Reply)

My Mother
Handely my mum puts a useful filter at the start of any piece of godawful advice, by stating

"as daft as it sounds....."

Apparently she just doesn't realise how daft these things sound, and are!

If only I could think of a good example.....
(captainwow No, not that one!, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Giving birth is a wonderful experience
Yeah, right...
7 months pregnant and at Ante-natal classes - this is what happens when you give birth - cue the video nasties and watch as the colour drains from both fathers' and mothers' faces...Oh.My.God. Yep, getting it in there was fun, but getting it out!!!
Fast forward to a week before Christmas...one month before B-day....
1st crap bit of advice - you'd look lovely in a nice red pinafore dress. Hormones on full and all sense of style gone out of the window - it followed all the clothes that no longer fitted...So I make a 'nice red pinafore dress' and get pointed and laughed at in local town centre....yep, 'cause I was expecting TWINS!! and two whoppers they were too....People thought Father Christmas had had a sex change, or else the post box had come to life....I could stand sideways on in front of a 6 foot Christmas tree and all you could see was the fairy on the top....
Fast forward to January - having already been told by ladies in white coats that the body invaders were only coming out with direct doctor intervention in the form of cutting me open, eek! I had the date and time of their arrival....Just like picking someone up at the airport...with heavy suitcases...
The night before the birth I go into hospital...I have never, ever been as scared as I was then...and I have been scared quite a few times in my life....Anyway, a dr. comes to chat to me...do I suffer with indigestion & heartburn? Do I? My stomach is sitting somewhere snuggled up to my lungs! Oh good, says Dr....I'll give you something for it...later discover he has given me tranquilizers....thank God! Next comes the nurse offering to shave me....WTF?? Well, she says, you haven't seen it for months, have you? She has a point...and a blunt razor...ta very much!
2nd Crap piece of advice - you'll be fine
Yep...I had to be held down and given more tranquilizers before they could get the biggest fuck off needle you have ever seen in my back...my back! I ask you!!! And outside there was thunder and lightening and only a couple of days before I had seen the Kenneth Branagh Frankenstein film....oh my God these babies were going to be monsters!!!
So they wheel me into the operating theatre...you really don't want to go into one of these while still conscious...unless your working that is....the man who put me in this position, my loving husband, is decked out like Quincy...but I am too scared to laugh...They begin....you never want to be conscious while they operate on you either...but to be fair it didn't hurt, it felt like someone was doing the washing up in my stomach...weird...The first cut and - whooooosh - husband's shoes ruined - haha! Anyway, all goes well, both babies delivered, one pees all over drs. good going! Then I am stitched up - neat little scar in the crease of my stomach and I never ever had to worry about not being able to sit down for a week or never having a sex life again....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:31, Reply)

never listen to me
seriously, don't, I possibly give the worst advice ever.

once my friend was telling me something, my advice involved the words "get up and boogy"

I regularly tell people to hit things, or rawr at them.

Linked to the hit it thing. Once in year 9 in maths, me and my friend were a bit hyper. She was telling me how her finger hurt, I told her if she hit it really hard with a text book it'd feel better.

She only went and listened to me didn't she? Her finger was never the same again.

In my defense, when the time calls for it, I do try and give proper advice.
(lei, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:30, Reply)

Driving to my Mum & Dad's a few years ago with my (now ex) girlfriend in the passenger seat:
Me: "Cor, it's really icy today"

*frantic flailing at steering wheel as car starts to slide on ice*

Gf: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Skidding!"
Gf: (angrily) "Well don't!"

Meh.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:27, Reply)

Don't tell smart arsed kids anything ..
My son's RE teacher was waffling on about her life outside of school and her involvement with the local spiritualist church

Her 'Yes I have done a exorcism'

Him (knowlingly) 'So would you say you are a ghostbuster?'

Her 'Yes, I suppose so'

She is now hounded by calls of 'who you gonna call and endless renditions of the theme tune..

Well done Jake.
(flibbley lame balloon man far and wee, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:25, Reply)

Useless advice
My one and only trip to Las Vegas, stayed at quite a plush hotel. The room came with a complimentary hair drier that had a note attached with the immortal words,
"Please do not use this in the shower".
A hair drier. In the shower.
"Oh I wonder why my hair isn't getting dry....".
(DustyD, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:24, Reply)

Wainright's Lake district.
Many years ago when walking became a pass-time, A bloke named Wainright penned a selection of "guidebooks" with nice places and routes around which to toddle in the lake district. My dad: a Student in the 60's used to love them, and fondly remembers reading sketchy route descriptions such as "After crossing the old stone bridge, turn left at the large bush", or the one in particular I have in mind... "only leave the wall when you get to the black gate"

My dad in the 70's overheard two farmers talkign in a pub... "Aye... I've fixed that bloody Wainright: I've painted ALL my gates black now"

lovely.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:17, Reply)

You'll find it in the last place you look...
Really?

But I enjoy carrying on looking for things when I've already found them....
(Eldred, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:14, Reply)

Never Eat Shredded Wheat
We were given this advice by our teacher in Geography class one day.

A year later our dads were all made redundant by Nabisco.
(><(((">, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:13, Reply)

What else is there?
Some kind sage once said to me "You take life too seriously."

I mean, if you can think of anything more important than existence then I'm all ears.
(spankybumchunks, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:11, Reply)

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
These words of wisdom were dropped by some miss-guided muppet in a hospital ward when I was visiting my mum... They weren't aimed at her, but at the person in the bed next door, who - after a horse riding accident - had been paralised from the neck down.

That's downright shitty that is...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:09, Reply)

BT
I am forever receiving letters from BT inviting me to switch my phone line back to BT.

My phone line is already with BT.

I'd write and tell them, but I think the guy with the brain cell left the company some time back.
(><(((">, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:05, Reply)

Advice given to a girlfriend of mine.
Someone once advised a girlfriend of mine that man muck contained many calories.

I should have had him killed.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:01, Reply)

I too have been told never to go to bed angry.
I haven't slept since 1979.
Grrr.
( Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 14:00, Reply)

Hmmm...
I was told never to speak to strangers...

*looks around*
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:56, Reply)

Serious Food Poisoning
I'm not sure what it was that did it... Might have been the prawns, might have been the chicken.. but for two day's I'd been in bed, shivvering and sweating as my body tried to work out what the fuck to do.

Each time I tried to eat anything, It'd either find it's way out of my body using one of 2 options, but with equal speed, lack of grace and dis-comfort.

I'm old-school: If I can see and talk then the doctor isn't needed. I revel in my ability to cure all ailments by drinking large amounts of whiskey... and I dispise people who DEMAND antibiotics for ingrowing toenails.

My Girlfriend at the time was of a different opinion... and wanted to SEE me eat the soup that I assured her I'd been eating.

Soup. She made me eat the fucking Chicken soup.

Inevitably, I was on my knees a couple of minutes later as my body rejected the influx of goodness... I was literally shouting soup.

Girlfriend... Strokes me on the back (NOT helpful) as I sweat and concentrate on the feeling of acidic chicken-chunks being forecfully rammed down my nose and into my sinuses... I make mental notes to make her suffer for this.... but with both hands determindly gripping the porcelain rim and a mouth frequently acting as passage-way for a chemical fountain I'm powerless to protest.

Then the soup is gone. My Stomach was empty..
but No... 2 painful minutes later thestomach acid was gone too....

My body wasn't happy. There was clearly something else that it ddn't want.. because for another 5 minutes my stomach was convulsing hard enough to actualy bruise my ribs. All of my muscles were working against me as they tried to get me to cough up my kidneys.

It was at this point that my girlfriend decides she'll offer words of wisdom; simultaniously showing how little she understood about puking:

"Don't strain so hard"

Yeah... That's right... me and my stupid "show-off" way of puking.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:53, Reply)

Take out a Career Development Loan with an extortionate interest rate
to keep you alive as you train for a 'creative, interesting' job that'll only pay you £200 a week for the first 3 years, and not a whole lot more after that.
NO ESCAPE.

(Usurers have to be exterminated RIGHT NOW. No more world problems after that.)
( Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:50, Reply)

piston_broke
Just to be utterly pedantic, the thing about not casting a clout till May is out, doesn't actually mean the month of May - it means the May blossom found on Hawthorn trees which comes out in April. I hope your life is now fully enriched by this valuable piece of information :-)
(angelica666, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:43, Reply)

timbrooketaylor
Try everything at least once?? I'm not sure receiving bum-sex or listening to Celine Dion should be included in this list??

On the other hand if you do enjoy either you should probably give the other one a shot.
( wangmaster2000, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:42, Reply)

Don't dip your nib in the company ink.
Pointless advice as we all use computers rather than foutain pens these days.

I wish that someone had advised me me not to bum fuck my PA in the stationary cupboard.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:39, Reply)

"you just know"
When talking to my Mum about marriage she told me when I meet the right man "you just know, as soon as i met your step-dad I just knew he was the one". I asked her why she'd married my Dad then to which she replied "well, I thought I knew then but it turned out I was wrong".

My step-dad gave better advice: "never marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without"
(me!, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:37, Reply)

stating the obvious
don't put vodka in your eye
(skankgirl, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:34, Reply)

"Smile, it might never happen"
I was in a foul mood and was considering killing someone ... when a Christian said "Smile, it might never happen." I leaped up and battered him unconscious with a frying pan I just happened to have bought.

"Too late. It's just happened!" said I. And smiled.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:27, Reply)

On...
...going to college; "Don't drink too much."

Er, what's the ****ing point of going to college?
(><(((">, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:27, Reply)

Mummy advised me not to cum on her tits
But I just couldn't help it
(Barry_Bulsara, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:24, Reply)