bitch aunt
Having burnt my hand on some mega-hot thing or other, my super lovely auntie helpfully advised me to run it under the tap. not the cold tap, the hot one; at full heat. that way, the heat from the burn gets cancelled out by the heat from the tap.

it hurt a lot. i flushed her driving license down the toilet in a revenge attack.
(monicalaroux Blackrod? Centre of the known universe. FACT,, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:28, Reply)

Gems from my boss
My boss is a fruitloop.

Her advice alternates between 2 catchy sayings of untold depths of wisdom:

"You'll just have to make time for it"

or

"You can only do as much as you can do"

I hate my job :o(
F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:26, Reply)

The simple art of misdirection
I had a weekend job working in a restaurant at Birmingham airport during the summer of 2000. It was a dirty, smelly, unforgiving job dealing with arrogant, petulant and above all insolent customers who seemed to resent my very existence, which can become understandably tedious. In order to alleviate the deep resentment I felt for all the lucky people who passed through, destined for warmer climes, I used to get my jollies by messing with them a bit. Simple yet harmless fun that made the days that little bit easier to bear.

This is a trick that I learnt from my dad and although it is designed to confuse and irritate, you'll find that most people never actually complain because they wander off with a look of total puzzlement on their face.

Step 1: Go about your day-to-day activities, patiently waiting for a hapless victim to approach.

Step 2: Having spied you working/skiving/committing theft by consumption/other diligently, the curious member of the public will sidle up to you and enquire, quiet politely, where they might find the nearest public convenience/cash point/first aid post/purveyer of food that won't induce vomiting and/or the rangoons.

Step 3: The fun commences. Point at a doorway/corridor/staircase/archway/portcullis/other, preferably in completely the opposite direction to the place requested and repeat after me in your most serious and deadpan voice:
"You see that doorway/corridor/staircase/archway/portcullis/other over there? You do? Good. Well, you don't want to go in/down/up/through there."

Step 4: Turn around, ideally making sure you still aren't facing the direction the person really needs, pick another door or corrider and continue in this manner. "And you see that doorway over there? Well, you don't want that one either. And the one next to it? You most certainly don't want that one."

Step 5: Rinse and repeat for as many times as you think you can keep up the act without laughing.

Step 6: Having completely and utterly confused and bewildered the person, finally point them in the right direction and give them the correct instructions which should ideally, be incredibly complex and difficult to remember. This ensures maximum confusion.

This can be done to just about anyone who asks for directions but best of all, the effectiveness and amusement to be gained are directly proportional to the rush the person is in. As a karmic bonus, it is essentially harmless as you are actually providing the correct instructions. Unlike say, waiting on platforms and telling people that a train does go to the stop they need when in actual fact it goes in completely the wrong direction. But of course, I'd never stoop so low as that. Anymore.*

*Apologies to all the people that wanted to get to Northampton but actually ended up in Coventry. And to anyone that lives in Coventry. Better luck next time, eh?
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:22, Reply)

If it moves.....Fuck it
If it doesn't..... draw a cock on it
(marvin889, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:13, Reply)

bound to bindun
Never be early, it's pathetically enthusiastic. Never be late, it's rude. Never be punctual, it just irritates people.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:11, Reply)

soap..
on a bar of soap i bought from boots
"this is not food"

sorry kids no tea tonight



.
(i eat crayons, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:10, Reply)

On a box of matches...
"Keep away from children"

Thanks for that. But what about the matches?
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:00, Reply)

One of my own that really gets on Mr Weebear's tits..
Whenever I hear a thunderous crash, howl of pain, sound of shattering glass or minor explosion from another room in the house, I can be depended upon to pipe up with the timely and useful...

"Be careful!"
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:56, Reply)

To cure muscle cramp....
... drink a pint of water with lots of salt dissolved in it.

Funnily enough this is what they give to people in hospital to make them vom.

Great for blagging the day off work. Not so great for curing cramp.

Cheers dad
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:49, Reply)

Scampi fries?
I used to work full time as a Trainer, and when learning my "craft" was advised that I should always have a game or icebreaker exercise on standby in order to motivate and re-energise the group, or some such bollocks.

Mine was "Smell My Finger". Well, it woke them up.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:44, Reply)

Ahh... That'll be useful to know!
I swear to God, I once saw a label on a packet of Whiskey-flavoured condoms, the following advice........
"Contains alcohol. Do not use if driving"

Ooops! Just past through Maidenhead!
I shall, as always.......
(b3ta_demeter, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:40, Reply)

sounds parental advice.
off me fatha.

more is not better... er yes it fuckin is actually !!

if you go to a foreign country or wales and you meet a girl stick your nicotine finger in her first before you fuck her and if she flinches steer clear she's clapped up..... hmmm thats a keeper


of a random aussie in london..

there is only 3 things you need to know about bieng australian.. no puftaz, no puftaz and no puftaz ! ... what about that gay carnival then ??

.
(big finger, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:35, Reply)

I work as a web designer
Me and my boss were visiting a client who runs a very successful e-business. He was one of our first ever clients, so we're loyal to him and vice versa. Anyway, part of his success is that he's worked non stop for 6 years to make a successful website.

I did my usual thing, let the boss talk and me keep schtum. He said this...

"I get hundreds of people come up and say 'I want an e-business', and expect to be millionaires overnight. Fact of the matter is that e-businesses take a lot of work to get started and up and running. Everybody thinks that because it's an online business, success will be instantaneous.

I then piped up.

"As I always say: It's the Internet, not the Insta-net!"

I am not allowed on client visits now...
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:30, Reply)

"Don't swallow bubblegum..."
"...because it will stick your insides together and kill you."

Delivered by my mother in the middle of Safeway's to a seven-year old me. Seconds after I'd swallowed my bubblegum.

Cue me crying, coughing and windmilling frantically into a large display pyramid of bog roll. The description "complete hysteria" doesn't even begin to do it justice.

Thanks, mum.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:28, Reply)

#1 piece of advice ever
All women who have a dog (or dogs) are mental.
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:17, Reply)

Great advice from a nun
Never wear patent leather shoes with a skirt as they'll reflect your knickers.
(ShockerMocker, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:16, Reply)

Hangover cure advice...
... My Dad gave me a pearl of wisdom when I was recovering from the worst hangover of my life (21st birthday).

"Tie some string around some bacon fat, swallow it then pull it back up slowly".

Just the thought of this had me with my head down the pan within about 10 seconds. Shame was I'd held it together all morning without puking until then.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:16, Reply)

I was recently told by a university language expert that despite
living in germany for a year I could only do the basic germany course at university because I have had no formal training in the language
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:08, Reply)

Never Ever
Ride through Ethiopia with a Hamburger strapped to your helmet.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 15:04, Reply)

Parents and crap advice
'Don't talk to that Peter boy'
'For god's sake don't marry that awful Cherie woman'
'Never trust a Scotsman with your money'
'Americans never know what they're doing and will shoot anything that moves'

Now if only I'd followed my parents advice I'd have been a successful Prime Minister
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:47, Reply)

My dad....
...once took a deep breath and told me:

"Don't shove things up your bum... It's not designed for it"

I suppose this was sound advice to give to any child prone to experimentation... quite why he told me this when I was two years into my degree I will never know.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:38, Reply)

Painted on the the wall of a warehouse squat in Lancaster..

"Never eat anything larger than your head.."


Can't argue with that really..
(Hairy_matt, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:33, Reply)

"If you do that you'll go blind"
utter nonsense as told to me by the vague fuzzy shape with a woman's voice.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:30, Reply)

From a Chinese Friend
She was suffering from interfering parents trying to encourage her to marry a Chinese boy and was complaining about it to me.

She sighed deeply, look at me seriously and said to me, "Never be Chinese."

Oh, alright then.

Which reminds me...not quite advice, but it made me smile.
A Dad and 7 year old daughter were reading the Sunday papers when Will Young told everyone he was gay. The little girl said "Oh no. He should never have said that. He'll never get a girlfriend now."
(...................., Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:27, Reply)

Ciggies
'If you want to give up smoking, put the money you're saving into a jar and treat yourself'

Cheers. I've just blown £150 quid on toys* instead of tabs and now the missus isn't speaking to me and am STILL gagging for a ciggie.

Brilliant.

*toys = original BSG kits that I've wanted since I were knee-high.
( Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:18, Reply)

Semen - labour?
"The prostaglandins in semen are better absorbed through the stomach and can help start labour off."

Better get Gordon Brown playing the skin flute then!
(frankspencer, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:11, Reply)

ooh
i would say on a sensible note worst advice ever I've been told is that you should leave babies to cry. Anyone tells me that can fuck right off. I'm not damaging my child's brain cos of some weird idea babies get spoilt when cuddled. It's all bollocks when you know the facts about neurological development in infants.
On a lighter note, my Mum telling me as a teenager that oral sex was an evil disgusting thing to do was probably the stupidest thing I've been told.
While on that train of thought I have given out the advice to an overdue woman to swallow. The prostaglandins in semen are better absorbed through the stomach and can help start labour off.
( moogy boobles, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:08, Reply)

Never trust a woman
That's it.
(frankspencer, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:03, Reply)