tough job
when i first tried having sex at the age of 16, it hurt so much it was unbelievable. a visit to the doctor showed that my hymen was too thick to be penetrated the normal way, so i lost my virginity to a surgeon. funny thing was, i thought it was going to be a woman doing it, right up until the moment when i'm lying in that hospital bed, my legs up on rests and all the goodness revealed - when the male surgeon come in, snaps his gloves on and goes "right, what have we here then?" - luckily the anaesthetic kicked in just about then.

after that, it took about 6 months for sex to get anywhere near comfortable, and for each partner since, it's been plain but bearable. guys, all these stories about making the girl come on that first night... forget it. it was all fake. unless you a) went down on her or b) have a small protrouding vibrating appendix near the top of the shaft of your penis. being a girl sucks.
( vanja, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 23:15, Reply)

Well...
not to brag...anyhow, the first serious girlfriend i ever had was quite a bit smaller than me, by about 14 inches. I'm 6' tall, shes 4'10"...she was quite small all over if you get my meaning, and I'm...er...not. In a girth sense especially (think not being able to join thumb and forefinger)...anyways, we got nekkid, got in the right position...everything was going well...

It took me half an hour, half a fricking hour just to get in...I didnt come, I had cramp in my arms for two days after basically doing press ups for nearly an hour, and a bruise on my cock because the condom was too tight...and then she dumped me a week later, telling me that it was because she loved another guy, and then overheard by my friends telling her friends that I was too big and it would never work...what an ego boost! but she broke my heart, the first girl I ever loved...and I cried for days...

Apologies for girth...I have done ever since...
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Thu 3 Mar 2005, 22:58, Reply)

24. Yes, 24.
After several attempts at cherry popping which were (thankfully, in hindsight) terminated for various reasons, I met a friend of my much hated flatmate at his birthday party. One drink led to another and one thing led to another and the deed was finally completed several times much to my and his satisfaction.

An unsuccessful attempt was made to pull the 'oh wrong hole? I hadn't noticed' trick. I paid him back the next morning by puking on his face during morning sex.

Much hated flatmate didn't speak to me the next day as his best friend also fancied my puke-stained lover. I moved out 3 weeks later and am forever grateful that at least I got one nice thing out of my flatmate.
(kitteny_goodness, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 22:48, Reply)

oops
Didnt know what i was doing, knew i had to stick my finger in one of the holes to get it all loosened up, unfortunately for me, i shoved them up the wrong hole and was greeted by a rather sweaty raspy fart. Oh and when i did finally shag her she decided to have her perod...oh to be in love again
(i_walk_bing_crosbys_dog, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 22:34, Reply)

i faked it
the first time we ever got down n dirty, i ended up having to fake it, because slipping inside her was like squeezing a snooker cue down a well*, and i got precisely 0 satisfaction from it.
i also pulled a muscle in the back of my leg, and ended walking around like john wayne for 3 days

and she told me she was a virgin. yeah. right...

*Some prefer the saying "waving a chipolata in the (dartford/mersey/channel) tunnel", but i am of a respectable length, and dont want to sell myself short. pun not intended
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 22:15, Reply)

My first was a bit of bike (and when i say a bit i mean a lot)
To be 17 and desperate! the bloody condom fell off (i was nervous okay!) and she some how pulled half my pubic hairs out. Tiny white spots followed a few days later! ouch! thankfully things got better! :o)
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 22:04, Reply)

it sounds made up but
when I was 16 I holdidayed on the small scottish island of mull with my family, whilst there I was seduced by a 35 year old primary school teacher. When I look back on it it is a bit weird, she used to teach primary 7's (12 year olds) and said she'd wanted to do 'this' for a while. Having just split up with ehr husband it seemed now was the time.
So.... after making her intentions clear to my 20 year old sister and my dad who unanimously agreed that I should 'go for it', she waited outside the barndance (small scottish island remember), took me to the abbey graveyard and made me a man on the gravestones of 16th century kings.
this was in april and was freezing, so it wasn't the best experience of my life, but noone ever believes me anyway.
oh...and she looked like steph scully. yay me.
btw - this is the abbey www.iona.org.uk/abbey/main.htm
aicmfp
(sextuple rooty, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 21:57, Reply)

**urban myth alert**
ahh... the catering size tins of sweetcorn involved in all the times I've heard that one...
I was 18 btw, drunk and stoned, and screwed the Halls bicycle. Felt like waving the proverbial chipolata in the Mersey tunnel. Shame really...
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Thu 3 Mar 2005, 21:43, Reply)

Large. Scary. Lesbanian.
At sweet 17 at just had to get it over and done with. The girl/women in comfortable shoes was a LOT bigger than me, and constantly reminded me that her clitoris "was like a tiny penis". I couldn't even get the condom on fumbling with it for an age (longer than the dirty deed itself), first trying to put it on the wrong way round, throwing it in the bin, then having to retrieve it at her request. After a minute or two (ok, a minute) of a large bovine like woman writhing on top of me, at the hieght of my pleasure (wasnt much, since the scariness of the situation only allowed for me to be at half mast for most of it, constantly having to be put back in by her.) she moaned words which to this day perplex and disturb me. "Oh, oh, oh IM IN MY COUSIN'S" House? Dog? I'll never know...

I've got better, don't worry.
(Mephs should get a bloody job, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 21:28, Reply)

Bloke I used to work for
Told us the story of how he lost his "brown wings" to this bird one night.

He woke up the next morning to find a nice fully formed piece of sweetcorn under his foreskin.

Yummy
( Snollock Biffer I don't really sniff Bollocks, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 21:05, Reply)

Invited my fit grunge bird over mine to 'watch a movie'...
...in my room.

So we're watching the movie, laying on me bed. And things get nice and naughty.

So we're at it hammer and tongs, and she's moaning. A lot.

It's getting hot, so I get up and open the window, then get back to boning her good. She continues to moan. At end of film we finish too, and we leave my room, a little flustered, on way to car to drop her home. I look at the bathroom door (which is next to my room) and notice it's shut. My dad's in the bath.

Yep, he heard, next morning at breakfast, he smiles at me saying "oh, did you two enjoy the film last night? It sounded good". Oh well, tis the way of life I guess.
(CustardCar is riding the back. with a hat., Thu 3 Mar 2005, 21:03, Reply)

loosing it
I was 15 she was, ahem, "younger" but not much.
After months of heavy petting, (BTW she couldn't give me a wank worth anything, just about took the top off), I badgered her (?) into having sex.

Being inexperienced, I started to go at it hammer & tongs but due to a lack of foreplay, progress was not a "smooth" as it could be. However, I stuck with it and it got better until.....

Well, to be honest, I think she had some wierd pyscological problem with the female orgasm for just as she is reaching her plateu of delight (or so it seemed), she some how managed to shut her legs, whilst under me, and about snapped my cock, which is now firmly jammed!?! Needless to say it was an anti-climax.

The post script to all this is 3 years later I was very pissed in the pub and met one of her stuck up friends. I recounted graphically, very graphically, the event, noises included, and was met with a stoney silence. Not realising the offence I had somehow caused, I continued by asking "Do you think she liked it?
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 21:01, Reply)

Did something very wrong...
...because neither of us came after about 10 minutes. Strange that.

On another note, a girl I knew keeps vividly dreaming about losing her virginity to celebrities. Lucky or what?
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Thu 3 Mar 2005, 20:28, Reply)

Birthday
'Twas my 20th birthday.

Now coming up to 25th.

It's true love.

Wish she was in the UK, though...
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 20:13, Reply)

Picture the scene
We had been going out for about 4 months and it was going to be are first time with anyone, so like a gent i had paid for a hotel room for a night.

We spent the whole day as normal and then had a few beers to get more comfey, Flick on the TV for background music and just after i pop her cheery the news brings on a nice news flash that the queen mother is dead.

Yes.
( Gaz, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 20:08, Reply)

Happily
It was when I was 21 on 14th January 2005 with the girl I am still in love with, and doing it with on a regular basis. The first time however was dissapointing and with a serious lack of cummage for me (not for her I should add). That was put right on numerous occasions. Yesterdays session being the best ever. :)

Thats romance boys and girls.
(tobias14483, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 20:06, Reply)

Damn good question
It *may* have been a rather dissapointing effort at uni; standard thing, first year, mildly pissed, sudden unexpected nakedness.

However, it also *may* have been a couple of years earlier, at college. I hosted a toga party that got a little out of hand. Drunk-naked-men-running-through-factories-that-are-next-to-my-house-and-being-arrested kind of out of hand. Anyway, I was going out with a nice, if rather odd girl at the time. Nice person, good to look at, but hardly spoke. I swear not more than 2 words passed her lips the entire time we went out. Odd.

Drunk and alone, she was a completely different beast. Unfortunately, due to the large amounts of bevvies consumed by yours truly, all i remember is a view full of nork, then waking up the next day, mother naked.

Too this day, i have no clue whether i did the deed or passed out. Ah well.
(cowjoose - This is not a code, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 19:51, Reply)

I'll get round to it.
Uni in september, from the looks of it that's as good a place as any.
(stv318uk, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 19:38, Reply)

As sponsored by student union bars everywhere...
Having never had much luck with man-beasts while still at school (the main reason for this being that most men I knew were either openly gay or living proof of Darwin's theory of evolution), I made up for lost time in a big way during my first semester at university.

How, you ask? Well, one Friday night in October I was incredibly bored and so wandered off to one of the bars on campus with a couple of friends. Whereupon I met a rather pleasant and very attractive man, who bought me and my friends each a small alcoholic beverage.

And made it clear within about five minutes that he would rather like to have his wicked way with me. He was not drunk, or so he said, and, long story short involving a joke about Harry Potter's magic wand, Terrance and Phillip and halls of residence showers, we went back to mine and things happened. He was a bit older than me (well... I was 18, now 19, he was 30) and pretty experienced by the sound of things, so it was rather good. He knew the score and he did make the effort to not do any damage, which was a relief.

I didn't see him for a while and followed him up with a lovely goth, a scary PhD student who went to swingers' parties (and wanted me to go with him) and a reunion with the first in January (and again in February).

Saw him today, as it happens. Always a pleasure.
( Maladicta, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 19:31, Reply)

Unofrtunately
In a room with three other people at a houseparty. One of which was my cousin.
( ma0sm, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 19:24, Reply)

As I was watching my dad mow the lawn ..
... and you know what - that really didn't add to the mood. Consequently, it was crap and I'm not even sure it counted. I ended up marrying her though, and now - fourteen or so years later - I can definitely say I've found my virginity again. Dammit.
(Ted P 8 0 M F G 6 0 1 0 4 7 3 6 5 +, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 19:19, Reply)

hmm, virginity ey??
your mum, in the back of an ice-cream truck with the music playing to let teh kids know we've run out of ice cream

(had to be done)

talking to a mate who had anal done to her, described the after effects as "having an arse like the flag of Japan"

true story

i'm gonna get shot for this ain't i?
(Jinxy - Spontaneous Randomity awaits those who question my pic-a-nic basket, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 19:16, Reply)

We were both 15...
I was staying at her house whilst her parents were on holiday and our first attempt ended with me untriumpantly poking her around the pubis with my member. Clearly we needed to think this through better. She was never one for deep journeys of self discovery, so I had to nip down to the Spar and buy a newspaper whilst she investigated herself in the mirror.
Upon my return she had determined the appropriate point of entry and we went to it. It was strangely unremarkable. Her mother returned the next day and molestged her (they had a very open relationship); she knew because she could still smell the latex around the house. Nice.
( Malchick, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 19:03, Reply)

February 1988, Romford.
Half-term off school, and me and C. are just getting down to the 'business' at her place. Woo, yay, hoopla. Five seconds after the joy juice spurt, we hear the front door open and her mother walks in.

I was booted straight out the front door. My clothes followed ten seconds later.
( Uzbek Lobster http://custardsurgery.com/azerbaijan, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 18:45, Reply)

It's always in the last place you look.
Usually down the back of the sofa.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 18:43, Reply)

Lost My Virginity Twice...
...first when I was 14 to a girl I fancied - it was her first time as well and frankly, it was shite.

Lost it again years later after I realised that I was gay - that time was better than I dared to hope - woo yay for second chances :D
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 18:36, Reply)

I lost my virginity in my best friend's bed
Luckily he wasn't in it at the time.

During the summer of 1998 I hung out with this girl all the time. I liked her, but didn't know what to do, and she had a dumbass redneck boyfriend in a small town college half a day's drive away. As soon as the next school year started, she decided she wanted to dump him.

We decided to meet up on September 26, Thanksgiving Day in Canada, and go to a rave, something neither of us had done before, but my aforementioned best friend did all the time. But on the day she showed up at my place with her boyfriend and some other girl. I was confused, but when his back was turned she whispered to me "help me."

So I dragged my ass down to this rave and conned my way through the media entrance. This girl desperately wanted to dump the guy, but she couldn't do it with this third girl around, so it was my job to distract her. This girl was an exchange student from some Scandinavian country, and I kept her distracted just long enough so my friend could confront her boyfriend. Once that began it was apparent what was going on. The exchange student told me she'd have to drive all the way back home that night with this guy and she dreaded it.

I went with my friend to a bar and we proceeded to get wasted. Then, having no place left to go, I broke into my best friend's apartment, scaring the bejesus out of his roommate, and got her into the bedroom. Things were awkward and she wouldn't let me go down on her, but at least I outlasted her. It lasted as painfully long as this story right here.

Anyway, my best friend came home in the morning from this rave, and man was he pissed.

The girl went home to her university town and made herself available to everyone there. A couple weeks later I found out she actually wasn't my girlfriend.

As for that exchange student girl, well, the redneck ex-boyfriend definitely had his way with her. Scandinavians, don't send your kids on exchange programs to small North American towns.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 18:33, Reply)