Last weekend…
so very relevant, was maid of honour for friend. At reception I noticed brides mother had a label still firmly attached to the back of the collar of her outfit. being from a posh boutique it was one of those ropy string labels, not plastic whih you could rip. I offered to help, I didn't have any scissors so got me zippo out. she had quite a lot of hairspray on…


she had a feathery hat on so you could hardly tell.
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 23:54, Reply)

Tsk, eh?
At family weddings my older relatives used to tell me I was next and they only stopped doing so when I turned on the tune in my van to make them think I was out of ice cream.
(TheCastrator, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 23:15, Reply)

My Own Wedding
Where should I start with my wedding story? Well how about starting with the fact that most of the arrangements were made without me even knowing - or that up until 5 weeks before the ceremony I was still none the wiser. Now I know that must sound pretty odd but My Darling was a Divorcee and had said on plenty of occasions she was 'Never Getting Married Again' and I gamely took her at her word.

Of course she changed her mind but rather than gently dropping hints so that I would ask her she decided that we were going to get married and my asking her or even knowing about it was an inconsequential detail. She arranged a venue with her sister being her agent in that aspect (yeah even she and her husband knew before me); she then got me to sign the marriage application (we were getting hitched abroad). She had asked me to sign this document without asking what it was - she had even cut holes in sheets of paper so I could only see where I was signing and none of the rest of it. I had assumed it was an insurance waiver for an attraction we were visiting. How wrong I was.

It was only when I became suspicious of her running errands on her way home from work (buying the rings and dress) and phone conversations with her sister that seemed to dry up when I was in the room that she decided to 'fess up. We were sitting watching TV one day when she dropped a small box into my lap. I looked at her and she told me to open it up. Inside were 2 wedding rings – I looked at her "Are we getting married?" - "Yes" - In retrospect my response was not as eloquent as I would have liked - "Cool".

She admitted later that had I not become suspicious she would have dropped the bombshell on me only days before the ceremony whilst we were 3000 miles from home and staying with my soon-to-be in-laws – No pressure then!

The stag do was a hastily arranged affair involving a lovely strip club, a joke about where to swipe the credit card and my father-in-law falling asleep surrounded by naked ladies.

Almost a year on and we are still blissfully happy.

I’ve never apologised for length and I’m not starting now.
(Sammael, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 19:36, Reply)

My mate Dave
recently got married (on 3/4/05 so he wouldn't forget it), and it was really nice, with a lovely time had by all.

The meal was delicious (I had a 5th helping, which impressed everyone), the bridesmaids were gorgeous (especially the one who looked exactly like a 16 year old version of the bride), and the extatic couple loved their gifts (which included a hand-bound scrap book made by all their close friends).

You people must be going to the wrong type of weddings if all this suxx0r stuff keeps happening :P
(Order 66, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 18:50, Reply)

i spoiled the magic
when we got married we had a typically large irish wedding - over 200 folk turned up. we drank heavily. i gave a very long and rambling speech, praising my folks, her folks, the bridesmaids, which went down quite nicely.

but when it got round for me to praise my new bride, i spoilt the magic. i got confused, and told the gathered masses that me and the mrs shagged on the first date.

cue uproar from the crowd - and cue scowls from mrs p, my mum, her mum, the minister...

i'm still getting slagged four years later.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 16:37, Reply)

How to piss off your entire extended family
Had the pleasure of attending my cousins wedding in Belfast last year, quite exited about the prospect of going to Ireland for the first time (lots of guinness!)

Unfortunately, being a poor student (scum i know) i didn't have the required bottomless pit of cash required to buy my desired bottomless pit of Guinness, not helped by the fact we were staying in a rather posh hotel and it was about £3.50 a pint. To get around this inconvenience i hatched up a plan of putting every drink i bought onto a random room number, and inventing an interesting signiture (Paddy O'Keane i think) to sign for every drink aquired for me and any unfortunate bridesmaid i was leeching after.

Cue over 24 hours straight of drinking said black stuff, resulting in big pile of black sick being left in't middle of lobby floor infront of the father + mother of the bride. Not good.
Worse was the call my 'rents got after we had touched down back in england, asking why i had ran up over £300 quids worth of drinks bills and run away. There's never going to be a good excuse to answer to that question.

Still, could have been worse, one of my cousin's friends told his (Ageing, dull & Re-born christian) Father he should lighten up after being so (understandibly) stressed from sorting out the wedding, and join her for a fat line of 'shit hot' coke. There's a time and a place for everything, that not being the time or place for that question. I don't think people talk to her anymore.
(megaskank, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 16:16, Reply)

I went to a wedding last week
Everyone showed up with gardening clothes, hoes, and weedkiller.

Turns out there was a typo on the wedding invites.



(I'll leave now.)
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 16:00, Reply)

Fantastical monkey,
Nice pic, shame about the shoes.

My cousin, who apparently has half a gene missing and is every-so-slightly disabled, recently got married to an equally stange man with a wooden leg. (For some reason they had a fire engine there and I was made to wear a kilt.)

Some months later, after being a total arse-hole to her the whole time, he goes to the pub and brings back a load of "friends" who turn out to be crack heads and steal just about everything not bolted to the floor in their house, then return and the woman crack head threatens my cousin with a knife when told that she has nothing left for them to steal.

This is a disabled girl they do this to.

Ho hum.

(They are no longer together, but it was odd anyway. God what a dull story.)
(digestive, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 15:08, Reply)

Knew I forgot something
I got married back in May, so much planning, lists for everything under the sun, dress, flowers, bag, hair, make up, all went to plan but still a nagging doubt on the day that I'd forgotten something.

All went beautifully - good time had by all.

It wasn't until the next day in the shower that I realised I'd only shaved one leg.

Just as well he was too drunk to notice on the night
(droogie, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 15:04, Reply)

Not what ima being asked for but...
I really just have to say that i truly do love b3ta, it kept me amused last week in hospital, Sooo wooo hooo at it!!!

Ma length shortened when they took ma apendix away...
(Bhougal...hang me upside down from a banana tree and call me BERTTIE BHOUGAL>>>Oh Yeah...!!, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 14:48, Reply)

Ellis....
He may have a point..but he is also totally missing the point.

And anyway...who cares. Lets just all get on as one big group of b3ta's and spend our work time laughing at other peoples misfortunes and embarrasments and whilst, at the same time, allowing ourselves to enjoy our own...

Badgirlbeinggood....
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Tue 19 Jul 2005, 14:38, Reply)

More things not to say at a wedding.
At a recent wedding the groom decided to read a passage from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, his soon to be wife’s favourite book. A drunken friend chose this moment to display his own knowledge of the book by informing everyone that the passage isn’t actually about the woman Corelli ends up with.

Then, as drunken men so often do, he bettered himself. During the happy couple’s first dance (Eric Clapton’s Wonderful Tonight), he again informed everyone at volume, as it was quite loud, that Eric Clapton had actually written the song about someone else’s wife.

He still finds his comments amusing to this day, saying there’s no need to be embarrassed; it’s not like any of them still speak to him.
(Second Cousin Of All Evil, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 12:56, Reply)

Things not to say at other people's weddings. No. 1
Ok, I have to tell this one on behalf of my Beloved:

We were sitting and waiting patiently on the Groom's side for the Bride to arrive at a friend's (nicknamed 'Fish') wedding last Summer. My other half and his friends were all sitting together (bad idea) and being rather silly. There was some poor little biddy playing raucous organ music, so my other half decided to make an amusing and boomingly loud comment whilst the Groom was standing there looking uncomfortable:

"If I were Fish I'd be shitting myself right now!"

Of course, the organist choose that precise moment to cease playing and so the entire church was privy to this witty remark. Cue much hilarity from our side and many nasty glances from the Bride's.
(Supernatural Jelly Window, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 11:07, Reply)

First dance
My mates got married. Resplendent in non-traditional kit, the bride was stunningly victorian and the groom strangely cool in his top hat and leather strides. We all arrived in time for the buffet and beer, naturally. The beer wasn't quite quick enough in effecting my sense of sensibility though...

I'd promised to go dance to the improbably silly Soft Cell song "Sex Dwarf" with the happy couple, in a vain effort to break the ice on the dance floor. 'Bollocks to that' I was thinking in my sober state - but they played it anyway. Oh dear...

The bride and groom take the floor to boogie to a strange song by a screamingly gay man about how he likes to lure disco dollies into a life of prostitution and porn with his sex-slave dwarf on a leash.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 10:57, Reply)

What was so funny?
Although I wasn't drunk, when I was getting married 2 years ago I proceeded to snigger all the way through the cermony until the very end when i burst into a fit of laughter. The whole thing just seemed funny to me, cue dagger eyes from the missus and a look of 'I don't think he is taking this seriously' from the vicar.

Still the next day I woke up with a monster hangover and the news that as well as losing my freedom, my playstation and scaletrix (she thinks they are childish) I was called into work and I got a bloody parking ticket.

Those two days cost me a fortune.
(Jock McTavish, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 10:54, Reply)

When I was 4
I was in the front row for some reason, I might have been a page boy.. I'm not sure..

I pulled my jacket over my head so my face was popping out and started to do owl impression "TWIT-TWOOO"

I wouldn't stop so i was taken... I'm ace me..
( Mrfishfinger .com, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 10:53, Reply)

silly billy
At my cousin's wedding (why are they all cousins?) the groom forgot to say 'I do' until prompted thrice by t'vicar. He was on quite a few meds (got problems, poor lad) so can't really be blamed. We asked him what was distracting him and he said 'I wondered what the weather was like outside'...
(spida, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 9:38, Reply)

Now my vocab is pretty extensive,
but I wouldn't even know where to start describing this. So here is the picture.
As best men go, he takes the dark chocolate coated digestive.

blank.antville.org/stories/159267
(chesty, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 9:33, Reply)

For my wedding ...
I was staying at a hotel at the bottom of the road to the hotel that was to be the venue of my wedding.

It had been arranged that myself and the other kilted groomsmen would walk up the high street in precession whilst a lone piper played at the top of the hill.

As it was the beginning of the Easter holidays the high street was quite busy but most were decent enough to stand back and enjoy the sight. Apart from some coffin dodging old man and his grandson who seemed to me to be deliberatley getting in the way.

The look of shock from my mum and dad and the now in-laws as we watched the wedding video and you can see me barging past these two and turning to call the old man a cunt for getting in my way!

The rest of the day was quite quiet .... apart from my brother enquiring (politely I may add)whether an old family friend of my in-laws was a paedophile and my new sister-in-law setting fire to the buffet table.
(WARNING: This name may contain the word CUNT, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 9:09, Reply)

weddings and funerals
At family weddings my older relatives used to tell me I was next, and they only stopped doing so when I started telling them the same at funerals.
(Dr Slurkie Slurkie, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 6:59, Reply)