because I work
as a human cannonball.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 10:38, Reply)

WacArnolds
I worked at this famous fast food chain while I was back in college.

I was 23 at the time so one of the eldest there(apart from the owner/manager)

This man was greed personified. He was clinically obese, obnoxious, and drove a "lexi" (lexus)

Of course all the spotty teens that worked there feared him. (first experience of 'the real world')

I never had time for his shit and blatantly didnt give a fuck. I was only there to collect beer tokens.

One day he called me into his office and reprimanded me about the LENGTH OF MY BEARD and accused me of looking slovenly!

Thats rich coming from a sweaty 20 stone wanker.(thought I)

He then pulls from his desk drawer a BIC Orange razor blade and tells me to go and have a shave.

Now let me point out that this was only about 4 days growth on my face.

Fuck you thought I. I took the razor to the washroom placed it on the side, took a roll of toilet paper and went back into his office.

Here you go mate Go and have a shit.

Got my stuff and left.

I still pop into the drive thru every now and then. Some of the people are still there today and the legend of it lives on!

Yay
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 10:32, Reply)

Because i'm a balding 40 year old peadophile
who spends what little time he does in the office browsing scat pornography and smelling of piss.

I don't tell anyone this of course...
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 10:28, Reply)

How dare you presume I have a job.
.
(><(((">, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 10:08, Reply)

I should be fired
Because I'm faaar to enthusiastic about my job as a Barber. Hairline, neckline, it's all the same to me...

Signed,
Sweeny Todd


Length?
From ear to ear.
(Daecon Has a sammich in his head, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 10:05, Reply)

Will have to be careful how I pitch this ...
... as I have discovered a few people in my office are 'lurkers' on B3ta.

About 2 years ago myself and 5 others were dispatched to work on a new installation at an alternate site. We soon discovered the work ethic was somewhat 'different'. As all of us were contracted to work in W12 we soon found the loophole that we had to be THERE for 9am. Then we caught the 0915 shuttle bus to our other site, arriving around 10am. Then breakfast. Around 1030 start 'work'. Do about two hours of hard graft to catch up with the wiremen.

Lunch break (in the bar - looking at the fit girls in nurses uniforms from Holby City).

1500 - Bit more work just to show willing.

1615 - Coffee break.

1630 - Catch Shuttle Bus back to base.

1715 - Bugger off home.

We kept this up for 6 months. The best bit was when they blew the main power to our part of the site. We had no power, so couldn't do any work ... so we arrived, went to the pub / bar / park and then went home.

AND AT THE END OF IT ALL WE ALL GOT LETTERS TELLING US WHAT GREAT JOBS WE'D DONE AND ASKING US TO BE THE SITE ACCEPTANCE TEAM ON A MULTI-MILLION POUND NEW PROJECT!!!
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 10:00, Reply)

Seen those TV ads for Acorn Stairlifts?
I wrote them.
(Fothermucker, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 9:51, Reply)

We do have flexihours, don't we?
Well, considering I work in Edinburgh but live in Glasgow and am only just about to leave the house, I should probably be fired. It's not like it's the fourth time this week or anything and my boss isn't even on holiday...

("hello!")
(dxg, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 9:43, Reply)

I should be fired from life.
I make ringtones for a living.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 10 Aug 2007, 9:28, Reply)

One of many...
As a paper boy on the slave wage that you got at 13 odd, christmas time was the best.
Because you got bonus's!

What people would do is leave an envelope outside the house for the boy with a nice card.

The week up to christmas, i took on thirteen new rounds.
I made 500 quid in a week.
I especially enjoyed the old ladys who asked "are you the regular paper boy?" or "will you give it to him?"

Ahh its not my worst..
(City wall is not doing much, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 9:09, Reply)

Estate Agents
I work in IT for an estate agents, last christmas party I called them all a bunch of cunts.
MD found out, somehow still have a job.
Length? Short but wide!
(English Bloke82, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 9:08, Reply)

Mustard fights.
My cousin got me my first job at the same place she worked (i.e. manky pub). It was our job to clean the kitchen, make tea, spit in complaining old bitches food and so on. Anyhoo, as soon as the boss buggered off to rest her fat arse and left us to do the real work, we would start throwing mashed potatoes, mustard, horseradish sauce and gravy at each other, and discussing how much we hated the boss and her miserly husband in very loud voices. And, obviously they could hear us from the bar where they were sat down. We only weren't fired because no one else wanted to work there. Oh, and I'd also 'accidentally' tip gravy, cream and chips into customers laps/drinks when I was serving them. Mwa ha ha.
(Demagogue69 did your grandad 3 times., Fri 10 Aug 2007, 8:12, Reply)

Technically, nothing at all.
I'm a checkout supervisor at a well-known supermarket. I'm always on time, I have the highest productivity out of anyone and, if I say so myself, I'm pretty bloody spiffing at doing my job.

Alas, just one small problem.

Recently I've developed a less-than-professional relationship with my manager. On my usual shifts, I have a 15 minute break, and I get to go up to the cash office with him twice in a shift. All three of these times away from checkouts turn into brief yet frantic trysts, as we discover all the places in the store which are comfy, cleanish and don't have security cameras, and my usually short breaks develop into half-hours. Now, this is all very well and fun, but of course, EVERYBODY knows. This is ok, since everyone on the team is pretty friendly and relaxed, and figure if we're not banging away on a checkout it's not a problem.

That is, everyone exept our new store manager, Pete. This man is the biggest arse you will EVER hope to meet, however he is also BLISSFULLY ignorant!! As of Tuesday, Manager and I had been engaging in our less than professional practices for at least a month. I heard that Pete ONLY found out about us the previous day! "Oh shite," thinks I, "we'll be fired for sure!" But he has not said a word!!! Hooray! So I shall continue to take advantage of this fact, and have changed my view of him from a complete wanker to simply an ignorant, incompetant fool. Yay!

Length? That's between me, manager and most of the store, thanks!
(Captain Communism isn't any sort of communist., Fri 10 Aug 2007, 8:05, Reply)

*sigh* Nothing.
I'm ashamed to say 'nothing' this place is as slack as you like.
I can surf the net, checkout B3ta and generallydo not much for the feeble amount I get paid. It's damn near impossible to get fired from this place.

On the flipside, I got the elbow from a company about three years ago for spending too much time surfing IMDB & B3ta......FTW!
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 7:51, Reply)

Whilst working for a free ads paper
in London that rhymes with Boot I got bored selling ads (they were only free to the general public) and decided to liven things by nasally ingesting heroic amounts of ketamine and then getting back on the phone. First call didn’t go too well. Whilst waiting for the client to answer my mind began to wander and when they finally answered I announced “You’re through to ‘Boot’, how can I help?”
“You called me!?!”
“Whatever.”
They got progressively worse from there. At one point I nearly reduced a receptionist to tears. I’d been told that I sounded like her boss so I rang up and told her that I knew she’d been having an affair with the sales manager (a fat version of Ted McShane from Hi-de-Hi) and that she should clear her desk and leave immediately before crying with laughter and hanging up.
Eventually my boss overheard me telling a client not to bother advertising with us as it was a waste of money because he’d get a crap response anyway.
At this point I was hauled into his office to explain myself. I questioned him as to why he was such a shit manager whom the entire office despised and called him a ginger cunt. He apologised and I fucked off to the pub. Happy days.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 7:14, Reply)

I left, but my manager should be fired for this!
About a year ago I started working for a nice little company, not too far from home. It was a branch office and our head office was based about 600 kilometers away. So everyday felt like a "boss is away" day.

Anyhoo, after six months of dilligently working for them, I came to the realisation that my manager was a dirty old man, and unfortunately I was VERY attracted to him.
So I decided that I could not have an affair with my manager and still work there.

WELL, He should be fired, he has spent the past six weeks swopping dirty pictures with me during office hours. Not to mention the extended "late lunches" we have been having at the local pub.

I am very naughty and should be spanked :)
(MissB, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 7:13, Reply)

Because....
I have had this job as a "night manager" at a local coffee shop. At first, I loved my job. I was promised the world, great pay, health insurance...the whole nine. Well, as time went on, nothing happened. No raises, no insurance...and my moral just went down the shitter. The guy who owns our coffee shop[s] is a total asshole. He has 10 children from 3 marriages and his most recent wife he bought from Columbia so he'd get better discounts on coffee beans from her family.
Anywho, I digress, I have systematically started to give things away. At first it was just a cup of coffee hear and a muffin there. But now, after 2 years of empty promises, I probably give away roughly 200-300 dollars worth of drinks, desserts and beans away a week. I steal pounds and pounds of coffee and send them to my friends and family, i take whole cakes home and feed them to my friends, I also do "exact change magic". If i know a latte cost 3.33 i will tell the customer and "pretend" to ring it into the till then give the customer there change and pocket the rest. Realistically, its the only way i'd ever get more than 15 bucks a day in tips. Occasionally, i drink on the job. I'll go to the gourmet across the street and grab a few bottles of 12% lager and then drink them in a coffee cup at work. I smoke weed in the bathrooms when i am suppose to be making mop water.
To be honest, I could give a fucking flying rats ass if i got fired, because at least i know i hooked up half of our city in free goods and padded my pockets with extra ciggerette money.
(dietcokehead safety, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 5:54, Reply)

You even have to ask?
I'm on b3ta, Livejournal or some other forums half of the time. The best part of the remainder is spent chatting to friends, taking extended smoke/bathroom/snack breaks and the bit that's left over is for actual work.

I can spend hours daydreaming whilst staring blankly at the computer screen--interspersed with occasional 'gosh, I just can't figure it out' or 'this is soooo frustrating' followed by a bit of typing or clicking, lets people think you're looking really hard at a bit of code. (No one else in this office knows the first thing about programming.)

When I first started, I had no set hours, and would come in a couple hours one day, a few the next, often missing meetings, blatantly reading forums in front of my boss, bringing in a big lunch and spending an hour slowly eating, never being less than half an hour late to when I said I'd be there, etc...but lately I've gotten much better at appearing diligent. Some days I'll stay late just to fiddle around on my laptop (hourly wages and all that).

Frankly, I'm a starving student at a shit university, the very same that is unwittingly paying me to type this post up right now. I've been milking the 10$ an hour for all it's worth, and I intend to do so for the next year or so, until I can escape from this vile institution.

Previous jobs: Comic book store, read the comics and watched cartoons all day (far too much of my pay went back into the store, what with me taking advantage of the employee discount); computer hardware and repair store, watched movies and took excessive smoke breaks; math tutor, slept on the sofa in the tutoring room until it was time to go home or brought in my consoles and tried to play games on the stone-age teevee.

Was only fired from one of those; the rest I quit because the boredom was too much. Now I can skive off in a relatively comfortable office, for relatively good pay, and don't have to deal with customers.

Guilt? Apologies? None--as this is the first qotw I've had a decent reply for.
(Rem Sir, why are you thrashing about on the floor?, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 2:21, Reply)

I should fire myself........
I have been working for myself since 1996. At first it was difficult - I'd never done any accounting but it was a challenge and I had a year's training.

The job is now a doddle.

This week. What have I done ?

Monday. got up at 9am. made a few phone calls. Reconciled a couple of sales sheets, inputted them into Sage so I could do Bank Recon.

Ironed a shirt for the HB. Cleaner normally does that.

Spent most of the rest of the day out shopping at John Lewis buying the cleaner an ironing board and new iron.

Went to the pub for the 5 o'clock club. Cooked salad. Ha ?

Tuesday.

HB has to go away on business. Ah, peace and quiet. Did no work whatsoever. Went out in the evening and got pissed with my mate Lesley.

Wednesday.

Got up at 10am at Lesley's. got home and made a few phone calls. Looked at the internet to check the balance of my busines account. Paid someone.

Today.

Spoke to HB, who asked me to make 2 phonecalls on his behalf. did that, then checked the bank account again. All good. Music lesson at 2:30pm for a couple of hours, tried the Mozart Clarinet concerto for a while. Then jazz on the sax.

In the meantime I've done numerous emails to people all over the world, listen to www.sky.fm and bought about 20 CD's this week because of the blasted site.

Being a musician isn't the best hobby when you are on your own and need a fix.

Mind you I'm on call 24 hours a day.

All quiet on the trawler front :-) It's not always this easy......and the risks are horrible.
( Tiggy the diver, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 1:53, Reply)

Head Hunted
In 1989 I was head hunted from a CCTV manufacturing company to work for the competition in Basingstoke. It was quite a bit more money - and the MD from the company I was working for was leaving. I wasn't terribly happy about him leaving as we got on well so I decided to jump ship.

So - new company - as an Office Manager, all was going well, business was good, I was designing CCTV systems for shopping centres - quite new then - until after 6 months there was a stock control problem. Seems I inherited a horror story. the Germans came over and it was basically down to me or him, the Executive Director, getting the boot. Guess who got it ?

CUNT.
( Tiggy the diver, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 1:26, Reply)

My job is to chat up any women who come into the store to try and tempt them into taking out a store card
I shit thee not, thats why my old manager hired me, Its a New Look (girls clothing shop, which does however in larger premises sell mens clothing too, just not mine).
So why should I be fired?
Have you seen some of the chicks that buy clothes out of there? I'm not chatting them up without at least 10 pints in my system.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Fri 10 Aug 2007, 1:18, Reply)

I was a department manager @ Sainsburys
You know the store I'm talking about. That one that was on the whistle blower program on BBC 1 for rigging the temperatures in books. But I didn't get fired for that, that was after my time there.

Anyway as a manager, I'd treat my team with respect. Me and the guys would often play football in the warehouse when no-one was looking, let the staff do what they wanted so long as the other management didn't catch on, and I allowed them to work at their own pace. My team loved me!

Loved me so much in fact that I slept with 2 female members of the team as well as a further 2 from other departments in the store. I used to take long winded breaks, which would last 4 times as long as they should of. Plus I used to clock in after lunch, do about 30 minutes, bugger off home until about 15 minutes before the end of my shift, then clock out, and go back home.

I tell ya, working there was tough.

Well actually it was, when the store manager caught me asleep in the smoking room. Aparently I missed a management meeting. This caused me to go on the straight and narrow for about 2 weeks before I suddenly decided to fall ill.

6 Months after leaving, and starting a new job, they realised I wasn't coming back and got rid of me off their books. So on top of my new job's salary I milked some juicy sick pay out of them. My team still misses me though.

Length? Well the 4 women I slept with still miss it. *Budum tish*
(Spluff McDuff You Love It. You Slag!, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 0:44, Reply)

Filthy virus writers
I was fired from a large british company that specialied in selling gas... It was a crap job, and so I didn't really argue when I was fired for writing viruses.

Ok... I couldn't really argue that I hadn't written 'virus'... but it was the word 'Virus' and it was written in big letters in MS Paint.

If they had fired me for the fact that I was often turning up an hour late... then I would have understood.
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 0:43, Reply)

Mortuary- bad summer job
I once got sacked whilst having fun in a mortuary, I simply got dressed and got in a coffin. the real mourturer was not best pleased when I made him faint. PS it is hard to dress a bloke that's been hit by a train, the bones are all smashed and the limbs are like jelly. PPS mortuary is a bad job for a 15yr old. PPPS be kind please, first ever post.
(oliver4858 packing to go back to school at, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 0:30, Reply)

Well it all started with the CIA...
...rocking up at our Command Post out in Iraq. The 'war' had just started and we were all jolly keen and still believed in concepts like 'integrity' and 'honesty', especially from politicians. Did I mention we also believed in 'naivety'?

Anyway, this CIA hood turns up and starts blithering on about how a load of evil terrorists had taken up residence nearby (approx 1km) and would be be awfully nice Brit allies and call an airstrike in on it.

'Of course we would, US chum' we said and off we toddled to 'get eyes on' and so forth.

To cut a long story short - it wasn't an enemy stronghold. It was actually a compound belonging to the family of a man who had some blood fued going with the CIA man's interpreter...

...so much for that 'Special Relationship'.

On a positive note, I can record that we scored a direct hit and that we complied fully with the resultant...errrmmm...military investigation.

Strangely enough, the CIA chap was never traced. Perhaps he was fired, eh? ;)

And yes - all war is evil. Please don't flame me for doing my job. Ahem.
(ForwardAirUncontroller lurks at http://www.arrse.co.uk, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 0:23, Reply)

thank fuck

( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Fri 10 Aug 2007, 0:21, Reply)

Driving a Honda CR-V?
Might want to check the front subframe, specifically the four corner collars inside. It's my job to weld them on and test one in every fifty. But do I do it?
Do I fuck. Still fill in the test log and tick all the 'pass' boxes though.

If you have a Nissan Almera you may wish to check the front subframe on that hasn't fallen to bits too cos I never checked them right and I was the final auditor. We had one fall off last year because of a missed weld but that wasn't one of mine. Or was it the Primera?

Anyway, I have a fork lift license now and whenever I fancy a break from putting those bloody collars on I jump on my little truck and whizz around like a five year old moving things about and putting them back again.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 0:10, Reply)

Pearoast for QOTW.

(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 0:02, Reply)

bit dirty really...
not about me fortunately! i do my job well i think. boss probably thinks otherwise.
Anyway!!! my mate works for a website hosting company. He does bugger all at work because the company has too many employees and not enough customers. he works in the customer service offices and just sits ignoring the phone. and thats if hes even by the phone. i forgot to mention he spends most of the time sat in the toilets wanking. He's properly hooked on masturbating to the extent of cracking one out in front of people when hes at my house getting pissed. Back to the point. I think he should get fired because he's currently getting paid to wank. (his new move is choking himself while wanking)
(mr pinkeye afk, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 23:41, Reply)