Too all you gitsy skivers
I used to work at a supermarket that was Way Safe.
I was a stock management assistant. Which is much better than a stock replenishment assistant.
I checked goods for out of date-ness and reduced items that would otherwise be wasted so that they were actually sold that day.
I did well, sometimes I only had a handful of items to delete at the end of the day (ie lost goods).
I was thorough. I checked each & every item I was supposed to. Working back through the shelves, all that.
My breaks were 15minutes long *exactly* or thereabouts. Sometimes shorter.
On my breaks, which were invariably at about half 6 in the evening, I had noone to talk to. In fact I don't think I had more than about 3 breaks actually talking to anyone at all: relevant because wasn't part of the smoking crew in their little room.
One of the other guys who did my job, on different days, used to have half hour/45min breaks, smoking away with the lazy cashiers. He didn't do the job properly, never checked what he should. Always signed the sheet off without a care in the world. Did he get caught? Did he bollocks.
I did a Sunday night once. Noone told me I should have checked the chillers upstairs. veg got thrown out. Manager told me in a "tsk" type way. I didn't care, as noone had told me. Realised after that it was actually the twat who was on in the morning who should have checked that anyway. Who was that? Hmm...

I found out after a few months that the shelf stackers who were younger than me were being paid more. Got annoyed.

I went to work for an insurance company. New year pay review - they have me a 12p rise. Raised the base rate by 50p.
16 year olds who'd just started were getting more than me. I found out after 6 months. They back paid me till the start of new financial year.
Wankers.
Being a quiet and unassertive maths & physics student, I said nothing.

Facking would now.

So this is a small rant at all you lazy bastards who did fuck all and got away with it for years.

Because I wish I'd been you.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 13:21, Reply)

stoned
i hadnt long been at the company, and while getting to know all my new colleagues, i accepted the offer to go out the night before and get totally f**ked.

I dont smoke, so me and colleague decided to have 'dope tea'.... the effects of which dont start until many hours after you've drank it..

i went to bed thinking 'this aint working', only to wake up unbelieveably stoned out of my brain! i had to go to work that day, and boy was i paniking!

I got to work and turned on my computer, only to find a computer error staring back at me...

F**k socks...

i didnt know if there was actually something wrong with the computer, or if it was just because i was stoned and being stupid!

I sat there for 45 mins stressing over the dilema, wondering if i dared to talk to my boss or not, fearing he might guess im stoned and sack me..

i soon realised that i couldnt just sit there all day, so i plucked up some courage and just asked. turns out the computer was indeed broken.

computer got fixed and i did my work in a weird blurry paranoid daze for the rest of the morning, until it started to go away, thank god! (then played puzzle bobble in the afternoon - i got top score - yay!)

a few months later i got stoned with one of the bosses! ..... i neednt have worried so much - they're all a bunch of stoners here - yay!

we should all be fired!
(chixor, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 13:12, Reply)

hate
i hate my boss so much that i am going to punsh him by sitting on b3ta, facebook and myspace for the rest of the day.
yeah, that'll show him.
(Jim the Cat, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:56, Reply)

my head hurts.
40 minutes late.
still ripped on ketamine, mdma, and acid.
reeking of booze.
too fucked to lie to my manager and just admitted that i got a bit carried away last night.
i cant stop laughing at everything.
fuck it.
(Raol Duke, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:55, Reply)

Very apt QOTW...
...even though I'm not getting fired.

I'm actually leaving my job next week.

Having spent the last couple of years of this job getting away with doing as little as possible, even overdosing on coffee because I reckon it takes about an hour out of the eight hour day boiling and waiting for the kettle before I pour it, if you drink enough of the stuff, showing up pissed on more than one occasion so that "the day is a write-off, that work can wait until tomorrow...", pretty much playing on Sonic The Hedgehog when my bosses back is turned (which co-incidentally it is now as I type this), sitting off reading previous QOTW on b3ta, reading ALL the websites from my RSS feeds before I “settle down for the day to do some proper work” how have I been rewarded with this lax attitude?

I start a new job a week Monday. Double the salary, free parking, expenses paid for, nice air conditioned office, beautiful views of gardens from the windows of my new office and far less, less work. Oh yer, I’m also a mobile worker which means I can “work from home” if I want to as well. Or have meetings in cafes and stuff if necessary.

I didn’t even have to sell my soul for all this. And I’ve not half just brightened up my day after reading back to myself what I’ve just typed!!!

And the football season starts tomorrow!!! It's all good...
(jaymierobber, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:50, Reply)

In the nineties...
I worked for the strangely now obsolete mobile phone company peoples phone, i was a temp and my job was to rearrange a legal filing system. me and this other chap made a bad mess and we were the only ones who knew how to clean it up. we then proceeded to make collages from office supplies in the covers of the lever-arch files for four weeks, some of which had a strange and enchanting beauty. We were only supposed to take a week but we needed the money.
(Monkeysport2000 I like this!, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:47, Reply)

Additional - 1
To add to my previous post

In my first job as a chef we got a check through for a Medium Rare steak with no blood. Not possible, cooked it medium well to get rid of the blood. Customer sends it back it should be medium rare. So we cooked it medium rare, but there was blood and alas it came back. So to teach this cunt a lesson a fresh steak was got, dropped on the floor and most of the kitchen team then stamped all the blood out of this steak we possibly could. Cooked it medium rare, Then arsewiped the tomatoes. Had comment card "Steak was perfect after some initial problems" Fucking ace!!

Another time when the pub had shut the general manager and assistant manager put balloons on to the Stella pumps and then did a yard of ale style drink with balloons. Then we went to egg rival pubs but egged lorrys instead, until I saw a car coming under the bridge, launched an egg at it only to find out it was a police car. Cue us all cramming into the boss's car and speeding back to the pub. The pub its self is in a remote village with _NO_ police presence what so ever. Yet this night about 7 police cars pulled into the car park and turn around. We were bricking it cause we had road signs all over the place that we had gone out on the nick for anyway. Was a good night.

Still to come -
The night I got fired!!
(Range, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:44, Reply)

I'm almost pathologically forthright, open, and wear my heart on my sleeve,
I'm the last person of whom you'd say "he's more than meets the eye".

Optimus Prime says I'm on my last warning.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:43, Reply)

my job is to look at b3ta all day
but I keep sneaking off to enter sales data into an excel file.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:41, Reply)

Shenanigans
I used to work full time at a big Asda.

It was shit, the customers were shitter and the management were the shittest of all.

So to pass the time on our department (the one that sold the great big TVs at low prices that packed in after a year but we gace away free 3 year guarantees with everything so the majority of our time was spent lugging broken sets through the warehouse) we'd indluge in shenanigans.

Not of a sexual nature, but stealing the highest value goods we could. (Although I do know of a few bummings that happened in the disabled loos).

My mum still uses the mobile that I robbed and the majority of my PS2 collection was shenaniganed.

Still, the cunts deserve to lose a few quid, I blame Victoria Wood.
( Charliemouse, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:38, Reply)

I'm a lifeguard
I can't swim.
(silkysean pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:37, Reply)

Speaking of addictions
Stick cricket. I finally managed to beat it, but then i discovered stick baseball...

It's not fair I tells ya!!!
(Milo Minderbinder, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:35, Reply)

Because
I only spend about 15% of my time doing any work. The rest is spend trolling forums, DLing pirate software/MP3s and staring into space.
I am grumpy, lazy and objectionable.
I pick my nose and eat the contents at work.
I steal things from work (especially loo paper).
I have wanked at my desk at least 3 times.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:35, Reply)

'Break treaty with the Aztecs?'
Because I play FreeCiv at least once a day. It's an addiction, I tell you, I'm a victim!

toomanydecibels - I *have* to hear your remix. You've got me humming it to myself now!
(The Moai, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:20, Reply)

I should be fired
because I'm so lazy, disillusioned, cynical and downright miserable I can't even be bothered to make up a proper response to this question of the week.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:10, Reply)

Because im just plain lazy..
Oh i am the boss..
( war3n3xt < I'm with stupid, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:04, Reply)

I work for a GP
I say work, what I actually do is doss in the office all day, I take an hour to make tea, laugh at people's medical records then steal condoms for a quick posh wank when I get home, or when when there's no-one else in the building.
(Dark Lord, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 12:00, Reply)

Hobo
Because my colleague and I have used any free moments in the the last two days to remix the Littlest Hobo theme tune into an out-and-out four-on-the-floor anthem. Not only should we be fired, we should probably also be shot.
(toomanydecibels has bleeding ears on, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:56, Reply)

Maybe not a sackable offence, but...
In my old job, I used to help design and write the company catalogue, in which we sold computer games, DVDs, PC bits etc.

Anyway, after five years I'd finally had enough and decided I wanted a little going away present. I spent my entire last day sneaking pictures of David Hasselhoff into the magazine and on the company website (some of which weren't found for months) and posted a link to gun crime stats off of our BB Guns page.

My boss WAS a really big twat.
(MrSnuggly, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:52, Reply)

Marathon Paper Round
When I was a young and innocent teenager in the early nineties I got myself a paper round. Not one of those normal paper rounds mind you. It was delivering those free papers that nobody wants to read. Delivering about 450 of them to be precise.

I had dutifully delivered all of the papers to every road on the list for about two months (the paper was bi-weekly) when I hatched a cunning plan. I Realised that most normal people wouldnt give a toss about reading this paper and would simply throw it into the bin. The only people that were going to read it were people with too much time on their hands and the only people with too much time on their hands are people who have retired. I then selectivly delivered the papers to only the old biddies on the round, which was about 30-50 total including the block of old biddie flats. I would then randomly deliver to a few other houses and then get my dad to take the rest of the papers to the tip.

This all went well for about a year till my dad could no longer dispose of the 'evidence' because he no longer had a car. Cue several thousand papers building up in the garage at the tail end of my deception.

Cue the paper lady phoning me up. The conversation whent something like this:

Her: You havent been delivering all of the papers have you?

Me: Yes I have.

Her: No you havent, have you?

Me: No.

And that was that. I buckled under the clever questioning techniques that the paper lady imposed upon my weak and feeble teenage mind.

When i delivered the papers in full, it took me and my brother two days of 3 hours each day to do. It was hard work in the extreme summer trying to get as many papers into one bag in one go before having to return home to collect yet more papers. All for £5.25 per round.

Nice.
(SillyMoo, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:50, Reply)

I should have been fired from many....
I really should have been fired from several jobs- all part time admittadly.

The first was when I worked in a chemist on a saturday- I nicked nail varnish- various bits of make up. Someone must have noticed something- as they introduced random bag searches. They even searched mine once- but where they didn't look was in the lining of my bag. Plus my mate would come round and pick up the larger items.

Then, the job where I worked in a visitor centre - serving hot food/teas/ice creams - in winter I would do all my A' level revision, eat free food and drink, stole a bit of money from the till and generally failed to meet the health and safety standards in the food prep area.

I did see a lot of films after my shifts with the profits though- but did realy badly in my a levels- worth it though.

Then there's the time I worked in a cafe- I would open up in the morning, have some tea/toast- then the rest of the staff came in- and we would sit around drinking tea/eating toast. When a customer came in we would say we wern't open yet - until the boss came driving past and suddenly we would be open. They went bust in the end.

Putting all of these together - makes me realise just what a little sh*t I was. Now I spend my working day on the internet, pilfering folders and post-its from work. Oh well.
(audreyforbes audreyforbes, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:49, Reply)

sabotage
I just sabotaged an expensive piece of engineering machinery at an unnamed production facility using a 6ft long piece of scaffold. It will take at least 5 hours to fix, during which time I was supposed to be taking a sample every 2 minutes... For 5 hours... Now, I'm eating bacon butties and surfing b3ta. I feel evul...
(Pharsalus, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:46, Reply)

I once worked...
as a payroll officer for the NHS. If the NHS were a private company it would have gone bust in 1948. The myth that it was once efficient and well run needs to be exploded right now - it has always, since the day it was founded, been a creaky pile of shite. I saw waste and inefficiency the likes of which would never be seen in the private sector, and convinced me once and for all that privatising the NHS is for the best.

My own personal contribution to this chaos? Spending most of the day reading Dilbert cartoons and winding up the Daily Mail readers on the BBC's "Have Your Say" web site.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:43, Reply)

Rant seethe
"I find your management style profoundly demotivational. If we achieve another record year you're proposing to cut our bonuses by a measily £1k? That's just £15 a week! What sort of gesture is that? Face it you're a sociopathic bully. Have you actually got any mates?"
Still here though. All mouth... no trousers.
(Countryslicker, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:34, Reply)

Because I spend all day on here
"improving my imaging skills"
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:06, Reply)

Why should I be fired from my job?
Because it would be the most merciful thing they could do for me.
( Shiksa, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:03, Reply)

About bloody time



I was eventually fired but it took them long enough.


I used to work in a petrol station/car dealership. I had the evening and weekend shifts while my mate did the weekday shifts. The bloke in charge was either this religious zealot who looked like Monty Burns and was equally cranky or else an old army sweat who didn't give a shit but was only doing it to top up his pension. There was no CCTV and no other security so someone had to man the pump office constantly. This suited me perfectly.

I used to have to get the set of keys so I could go to the toilet - this involved opening two sets of doors. The idiots had the master keys for the entire place on the one keyring. So, I'd open the main office and pilfer from the petty cash box - more like a petty cash treasure chest really as most of the business was run on a 'cash in hand' basis to avoid Mr. Taxman getting his share. I doubled my wages most weeks in this manner. I used to go into the car repair section and ransack the glove compartments for anything of value - mostly cassettes that I'd take home and tape over them. I also swiped tools that the mechanics had left lying around and gave them to my brother.

My brother and his mate both had cars made by the dealership so they were never in want of spare parts. I'd get the details of the part they required, enter the storeroom, grab the part, exit via the side door and stash it at the far side of the sales lot. By the end of my shift, my brother would come to pick me up, park at the far side over by the sales portakabin, creep round the back and collect his prize. How I wasn't caught is still a mystery to me - especially the night I wandered across the forecourt with a chrome sports exhaust kit cradled in my arms. Or the night my brother, myself and my mate who did the dayshift swiped an entire rear suspension and hauled it outside. I also used to steal hundreds and hundreds of gift stamps and empty booklets. I'd spend my shift filling the booklets and then handing them out to my family who'd take them to another petrol station across town and claim their reward. My parents still use the fine china dinner service and lead crystal glassware twenty years on.

I was there for over a year and loving it but, as always happens, it had to come to an end. The head of the family that ran the garage retired and handed over to his son. The son was a Thatcherite 'weakest to the wall' cunt who used to 'road test' customers cars by driving the wheels off them and treated the new cars on the forecourt as 'his' to be used/abused as he pleased. He wanted to stamp his authority on the business by shaking things up. Everybody knew he was watching them so were on their best behaviour. Everybody but Fanta that is who was too busy daydreaming and plotting yet more pilfering to take any notice. So, one evening, the boss screeched to a halt at the pumps and said "Fill her up". As I did so he started bantering with me, taking the piss out of me as he usually did, I gave him some backchat as I usually did and he went off to the office to put the petrol 'on account' - not that he ever paid for it mind you. I wandered in after he'd left only for Monty Burns to tell me "This is your last night, the boss said you were rude to him and that's not very customer friendly is it."

Still, I had the last laugh. Turns out that my pilfering was decidedly small scale compared to one of the salesmen. He'd been fiddling the car sales figures for years and, as his wife worked in the accounts office, she was covering it up and had some VAT fiddle of her own. They left the country with a sack marked 'Swag' to start a new life in the sun leaving the company owing a lot of money and facing a severe tax audit. The family had to sell the business and it was levelled to make way for apartments.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 11:00, Reply)

Not me but a mate...
....works on the estate gangs (gardeners) for the council of a large new town in Essex. His job was riding a huge Kubota mower. He'd go in in the morning, pick it up together with the orders for the verges to mow, drive home and park it (in the unused garage of a pensioner neighbour of his girlfriend)'til half-past-four and drive it back to base. The pensioner really should have been in on the deal, because late one summer he went down to stick some furniture in the garage (in those long lines of municipal garages) and found a brand new £25,000 Kubota sit-on mower in his garage with the local council badge on the side. He phoned the Parks department and said "'Ere! I've got one of your mowers in my garage...." At that point the shit hit the fan, but incredibly matey got off with a warning because sacking him might have drawn the attention of the top bosses to the fact that when it doesn't rain the grass doesn't grow and the whole department's work should really be done by outside contractors as and when required.
(Roger Darce sold his birthright for a mess of pottage, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 10:55, Reply)

Not me but my old man...
He's dead now, but he had a great job in the summer holidays while a student in the 1950s working at a "Country Club" on the "English Riviera" in Devon (read "Torquay"). His job was to paint the white and yellow lines around the club roads and paths. As he'd been up all night having a whale of a time he'd crawl out of bed at 8am, pick up his brushes and paint, go back to bed and kip some more 'til lunch (provided), go and retouch a couple of lines 'til 5pm and then party again. Six weeks every summer. All paid. They never noticed (those were the days).
(Roger Darce sold his birthright for a mess of pottage, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 10:45, Reply)

Lazy Bastard part 2
After having a rather
good on the spot sex session
last night with my ex -
Girlfriend i rang up work to
say i was too tired to come in early,
strolled in two hours late and have
since then done bugger all apart from read B3ta qotw and chat ladies up on a
free dating site, i'm also the computer
admin here hehehe
I love my job....
( Trollman, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 10:43, Reply)