Oh ho bad shag #6 but me this time
This one was a classic.

Used to live in southsea, near Portsmouth. Had a good night out with Sarah, and stupidly walked back to my place which was about 500 yds from hers. In my road had a garage, the boys were still up at 2am drinking. Invited me in. Short story I ended up in bed with the mechanic and couldn't even get horny I was so pissed. I hope he's not on here because otherwise I'm frightened he'll tell the story. I must have been a lousy shag.

Mind you I fucked him 2 days later and that was really good :-)
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 21:37, Reply)

anal sex/further
pay due heed to time of day and if it's the morning when the receptive partner tends to go for a poo, just don't

/whatthatblokeovertheresaid
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 21:35, Reply)

Bad shag #5
What is it with Men ? Dont they know what to do ?

Sarah (bestest mate ever) said to me - you have got to fuck Ricky, just to see the colour of his curtains. I said WTF ? She said - hey its worth it. I said but he's a lefty and all that, you know likes Russky things (before the wall in germany came down) anyways I said it had better be worth it.

Bloke comes on to me and says - hey, you are a really cool chick, can I take you out for a drink one night ? Bloke isn't toooooo bad looking. But Ginger.

So, I chat the bloke up, pissed. Bear in mind Sarah has been there before and given me the lowdown as to what he likes.

Find out that he just likes prick sucking and that's it - but honestly, you should have seen the curtains, it was worth the lousy shag.

Looked like someone had been sick all over them.

Mind you Sarah is sick anyway :- )
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 21:14, Reply)

Thought I'd blocked it all out by now.
He was so very, very untalented but so very, very determined that I was able to turn on the telly without him noticing and distract myself until he was finished/gave up. Naturally, I wasn't as tenacious when it came to prolonging the relationship.

To all you lads bragging that uncircumcised is better, he was the only uncut lad and the only bad lover I've ever had. Makes a girl wonder. . . .
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 21:08, Reply)

Story #4
Yet another disaster.

Met this bloke who worked for Circle Cement or something ? I had a temp job in a hotel as a receptionist, so in walked this good looking guy about my age at the time. he says - what goes on in Portsmouth, so being the sociable person I am tell him about the night clubs and that Sarah and I are "around" and we can show him a good time. Phone Sarah to say I've got this potential shag, so she says well bring him down to the Apsley pub and we'll see what he's made of. meaning, is she going to shag him or am I. This sort of thing has happened before where I thought she's going to have him or I am. Not at the same time, you sex crazed bastards, anyway I ended up with him in this hotel room and he was so pissed he couldn't get it up. I'm so fucking horny by now I need a shag big time so got hold of Sarah and asked her who was available so she set me up with a bloody taxi driver who was just LOOOVELY !!! wey hey. all's well that ends well.

T'was an interesting night though :-)
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 20:31, Reply)

the horror
Well, ashamed as I am to admit it i've had a number of nightmare encounters, though thankfully I can laugh a them in hindsight. In fact having foolishly submitted many of them in an email to get tickets for Graham Norton (I know) I was harrassed on the phone by their researchers for weeks trying to get me to come in and shame myself on national telly. NO fucking chance!

But since I like you all so much I'm going to divulge all.

I've had the mandatory banjo string snappage (left an attractive bloody smear on the wall as my remarkably still erect member dashed it's zorro like signature as I scrambled to the bathroom) Also gave her flatmate a shock as he returned unexpectedly and was greeted with a full frontal view of me butt nekkid and dabbing at my blood soaked cock with his towel.

On losing my virginity in the bathroom at a teenage house party I managed to twang the condom over the head of an irate dad coming to find his daughter. (being first time I didn't realise you had to ROLL it off)horffic memory, I still cringe.

One drunken night I used sweet and sour sauce as a makeshift lubricator without telling the girlfriend and had a shocked phone call from her the next day saying we had to go to the clinic because she just had a bath and was seeping orange from 'down there'. Was fun coming clean on that one.

On the grand occasion of my first ever threesome I managed to lose a BULLET up the fanny of one of the girls since she thought it would be dead erotic for me to try and stimulate her with it. (it was a blank ironically enough). After a few moments getting her to jump up and down to dislodge it the mood was well and truly lost.

and then finally, my most utterly humiliating sexual encounter, ended with me heading to casualty with what I can only describe as elephantitis of the penis.

to summarise (ish)...was at university going out with a fantastically numbile young lass who happened to be quite into her clubbing, preferably amphetamine enhanced. So I went out with her one night for speed/dance frenzy and ended up back at her place after. Now for those of you that have attempted chemically enhanced sex you will be aware that some drugs leave your member looking and feeling much like it's been soaked in a bowl of ice water for 24 hours, that is to say numb and utterly shrivelled.

My girlfriend however was very determined to have a shag and embarked upon a handjob that I couldn't feel and she, being off her nut, couldn't judge exactly how hard she was gripping or how long it went on for, and so ensued about an hour of vice grip tugging on my unfeeling member.

I don't remember when we gave up and passed out. What I do remember is waking up, going for a piss, and discovering that my penis looked like a ballon trick gone horribly wrong. It was swollen in precisely the wrong way, skin at breaking point, like it would pop if you stuck a pin in it. If you took one of those sausage shaped ballons, tied random loops of string around it then blew it up you would have something approaching the horror that was sitting in my pants at that time.

Fear and comedown induced paranoia dictated that I fling some clothes on and walk the 5 miles to the nearest hospital, peeking into my pants every few steps to check that it hadn't burst like an overcooked sausage.

I arive at casualty and after some agonised waiting I get my turn with a queue of people behind me. The nurse asks for my name and what my complaint was. Dying with shame but utterly convinced I had a ticking cock bomb in my undercrackers I mumbled that it was a bit personal and with a quizical look she ushered me to a private room. At this point the whispers started amongst the nurses.

In my little private room a nice middle aged lady came in and asked me what exactly was wrong. Still screwed on speed my brilliant response was "my penis is swollen".

There was an thoroughly unpleasant silence and then she asked me to elaborate. I told her most of the story but desperately tried to avoid any drugs related incrimination. She gave me a starnge look as if thoroughly convinced that I was actually some horrible pervert and had injured myself in some deviant form of onanism. She asked me to remove my trouser and pants and 'pop up onto the bed' which I dutifully did. She barely stiffled a laugh, poked it with a little wooden stick thing, then left the room assuring me a doctor would be along shortly. If she had had a camera she almost certainly would have used it.

It was at this point the hospital gossip went into overdrive as I had no less than FIVE different nurses pop into the room to assure me the doctor 'would be along soon' all the while staring at my sorry state.

Finally the doctor came in took a cursory glance, told me it was just abrasion swelling and that I should go home, wait for it to go down and then "check I could still get an erection".

Cunt.

The he asked me if he could bring in his students because he was 'sure they would find this most interesting'

NO FUCKING WAY!!!! was my polite response. Then made my inevitable walk of shame out of the room, through the wating room and out to the street.

The most gutting thing was that I went home, had a fitful nights sleep imagining exploding penises or living the rest of my life unable to get wood. The next morning, hardly daring to peek into my pants, I discovered all was back to normal. I nearly cried with relief.

Then it dawned on me that had I stayed at home I could have avoided the whole sorry experience.

Having said all that, I am actually a fantastic shag. Honestly.

Length?

*sobs*
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 20:27, Reply)

Story # 3
Well this one was one from the Isle of wight and is very memorable.

Sitting in a car on Cowes Seafront, this bloke I was seeing was in his car and was trying to impress me.

He wanted me to give him a blow job and where I do not really have any aversion to that, the smell of piss in his underpants really put me off so I got out and went home. He ran after me saying I was a shit shag (he'd never shagged me) and then proceeded to tell his mates.

That's the Isle of Wight for you.

I can't listen to the Eagles ever again, that's all he played in his tape player, wanting me to give him a blow job. I don't think anyone had done anything to me sexually then, I think I was about 16. Selfish cunt.

uh :-(
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 20:17, Reply)

2nd Story.
Met this bloke years ago. He said "I haven't shagged my GF in 8 nmonths, fancy it ?? My balls are on fire"

So, ask why. Get usual reply "my GF doesn't do it any more how I like it" - how many fucking times have I heard that one.........so anyway, it's liberation week, so try it out.

I like sex. I like sex very much with the right person, and like all sorts of foreplay.

This bloke ate me like I was sore after about 5 minutes and had to tell him to stop. Honestly, it was too much. I like soft, slow, licking where as he thought that taking me into his mouth so early was an option. Sorry to be so honest but I have to say it.

So after I got him off my downstairs so to speak, like a baby off a tit, he offered me his member. It was flaccid and nothing I could do would make it go hard. I did everthing in the book and - beyond - I possibly could but, no, he still stayed flaccid.

He came masturbating.

Oh well. It's an experience.
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 20:02, Reply)

Finland
Got a few stories here.

1st. Went to Canary Islands in the 80's and as a young pup (really young) met this guy from Finland. I'd not been into sex much but knew what I liked. Knew what men liked too. So, this good looking hard-on blond from Finland comes up to me and says in his best English : do you want a drink. Is the pope a fucking catholic or what, so anyway say yes. My mate Sarah from Wales was with me and hers was another Finn and good looking so we all hit it off.

Later in the evening its all the "where shall we go to whose apartments" so mine says it was ours and as he looked like the dog bollocks, so to speak, so anyway we all go back there and well mine was saying to me "hey suck this baby" meaning his cock so well whatever, so I say here, suck this baby, and he said NO WAY he didn't like that sort of thing, his Mum told him..........oh fuck......so did I get rid of him or what. Thing is Sarah got a result because they kept in contact for years, so she must have had the whole thing.

What a shame. One sided sexual relationships DO NOT WORK. Period.

Wont do that again. :-(
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 19:53, Reply)

circumcision...
Dig into the real roots of circumcision in the US. You'll find that American medical journals promoted it as a way of dulling sexual drive in males, and as a reliable method of curbing masturbation.

to quote an american physician from 1903... "It (self abuse) lays the foundation for consumption, paralysis and heart disease. It weakens the memory, makes a boy careless, negligent and listless. It even makes many lose their minds; others, when grown, commit suicide.... Don't think it does no harm to your boy because he does not suffer now, for the effects of this vice come on so slowly that the victim is often very near death before you realize that he has done himself harm"

Sad truth is it's just habit, and a good income for doctors.

People regularly defend the act of mutilation by saying "It's cleaner"... Sure. If you want to go cutting off protective mucus-secreting membranes... why not take baby's eyelids off at the same time??

Resident Loon.. "I'm completely skeeved out and feel my skin crawing mightily." Yep... that's how I feel when I imagine some bastard trying to steal my foreskin....

And Flake? I concur. ;o)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 18 Jun 2007, 19:42, Reply)

Another benefit of not being circumcised
Very few American women know what an uncircumcised wanger is like. Pull an American bird and she'll be obsessed with the novelty value of it. She won't leave it alone.

That, at least, was my experience of the several American lasses I pulled.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 19:25, Reply)

Not me,
rather a friend of my wife's back when she was a teenager.She had a female friend who decided to give her boyfriend a blow job.She had no clue what to do,so she went a bit literal.She popped it in her mouth and then gave it an almighty huff and puff,as though his pork sword were a straw house.Apparently it really hurt.
(archroy Get down wi' yer bad self., Mon 18 Jun 2007, 18:26, Reply)

For americans that are unaware
Most men in the UK are uncircumcised; contrary to what you may have been indoctrinated with, circumcision has very few benefits, and a number of disadvantages.

UK Men are also fantastic, attentive, well endowed lovers. Any posts suggesting otherwise on here are only there to make you feel less inadequate..
(EssY, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 18:11, Reply)

.
My nemesis is Superman. He says I am the worst Lex he has ever had

L.Luthor.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:59, Reply)

Christ almighty...
I kept finding references to "banjo strings" in here, so I went to urbandictionary.com and looked it up- and now I'm completely skeeved out and feel my skin crawing mightily.

Are there that many uncircumcised blokes over there?!?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:34, Reply)

Lord have mercy upon my flaccid member
I've been trying to think of the most appropiate story to share with you all, and I'll tell you all about the time I lost my virginity another time but this story -if only for it's timing- is for now.

I was making cheeky sweet love this morning when summat didnt feel quite right, the crucial moment for my female companion was fast approaching though so I paid little attention to the warning signs. I increased both the velocity and force of my thrusts, then I screamed and withdrew with a pace not seen since..........

As I looked down, I saw what can only be described as a turtle neck wearing sausage smeared with Raspberry jam. I have torn my foreskin summat rotten. The phonecall to NHS direct was a pleasure I didnt expect.

I'm doing okay now thanks, I'm just petrified of sitting on rumbling buses, seeing a cracking pair of norks..

And don't worry, she finished herself off while I was on the blower.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:30, Reply)

Never have sex in a sauna,
Its just stupid. I started to once - nearly killed both of us. I was young and fit then too.

I think it’s a trap. For those that aren’t accustomed to finding themselves with a spacious private sauna while away with their favourite coitus partner, when such an opportunity arises the obvious thing to do is go lounge around in it naked. When lounging around naked and sweaty with said coitus partner, the next move would seem like a no-brainer. Even trying to take things slowly we still both ended up sprawled on the floor outside the sauna gasping “water, water” like French Legionnaires at the end of a desert fast-march.
( thegoose, quietly backs out of the room hoping no one noticed, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:22, Reply)

There must be something about the name David...
I have a copy of "Black Tie White Noise" by Bowie, which features some rather uninspired playing.

I also have David Gilmour's latest, "On An Island", where he tries another instrument- only to sound like himself playing a guitar.

That's two examples right there of some pretty bad sax.

(And I hadn't even mentioned Kenny G-spot yet...)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:14, Reply)

Last one
I'm a DJ and I had a slight dropping of my equipment accident.

Now they're the worst decks I've ever had.

I'll stop now.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:11, Reply)

IT Geek
I was doing an IT course at uni, and had met a friend of a friend who was a reet horny devil.

We ended up fooling around on her bed, me laying back hands behind head as she played the pink oboe, when out the corner of her eye I spot her computer monitor...

I squint a bit to see what it says, and its some windows error (cant remember exactly) but I think to myself, "I can fix that from here if I can reach her keyboard"...

She looks up to find me twisting for the keyboard and bites down hard...

THAT REALLY HURT!!!

WTF did you do that for??

You were trying to fix my computer whilst I was sucking you off!!

I was trying to fully utilise the time we had together (lecture in an hour)


didnt last much long after that...
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:11, Reply)

A pox on your houses!
Now that's the worst hex.

.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:11, Reply)

Working out
I used to work out a lot, I've let myself go.

My pecs are the worst yet.

/coat. Again.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:10, Reply)

Beer
Becks - Just no.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:10, Reply)

Victoria
I did "Posh Spice"

It was the worst becks I ever had.

/coat
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:09, Reply)

And the dog won

( flake has nothing against your right leg, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 16:59, Reply)

I fucked a dog

( The Lurker Plenty One, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 16:53, Reply)

This seems to be a blend of 2 QOTWs
personal hygiene
drunken disasters
I must however, say it has been excellent so far.

My addition:
Waking up in a tent to be greeted with a man's head down "there" not really knowing what he was doing. The actual experience was merely embarassing and potentially scary (friend of the then-current bf) but the social aftermath made it awful.

I also had my own reinactment of the American Pie premature finishing scene, but in retrospect that was rather endearing.

Damn the OCD destroying any chance of mad-bad-sex. oh well. Not as if I envy you people or anything.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 16:46, Reply)

The explanation for my nickname.
Imagne if you will, a rather shy 17yo boy who while not being a virgin, is somewhat inexperienced in matters of the flesh. I get to meet a very nice lady (ie one that believes in fucking your brains out in return for a Bacardi and Coke). I do the gentlemanly thing and for the first time in my life I venture south. As I emerge I am greeted with a look of terror not seen since the bloke on the Titanic spotted the iceberg.

"Whats the matter" says I.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I've come on."

Yup, my first attempt at being a kind and considerate lover results in me having a ladies months savings deposited upon my face.

A few months later while working at a nightclub as a doorman I was foolish enough to tell this story to a colleague, and thus the legend of the Donut was born. Still havent managed to get shot of that bloody nickname yet.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 16:41, Reply)

Think yourself lucky most of you haven't really had bad sex
If you had, you'd know that no sex is actually much better than bad sex. There's fantastic sex, average sex, and mediocre sex, but bad sex is sex you'd pay not to have.

I'm not going to go into specifics, but you can draw your own conclusions..

For the love of everything, *wash*. If you know you stink, start off with a shower first..
Trim that bush. You don't have to get the shaver out, but at least get busy with the scissors - doing a 'Bellamy' is not fun.
If you're freaking out at something during sex, don't carry on and hope it'll get better - stop, or adjust things right away.
Unless there's something really wrong with your partner ('well, my ex really liked the gangrene') it is your job to adapt things so they work for both of you. A good lover is versatile.
The time for commenting about a partner's size/hair/lack of hair/technique/third leg is *after* sex, not during.
Don't whinge about your lover refusing to do something you won't do yourself.

Not that I'd count myself as amazing in bed, although offers from nice people wanting a relationship are always welcome..
(EssY, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 16:41, Reply)