She was out of this world!
... One night we're more or less roaming around town clueless about what to do when we enter this club with a little too much smoke for my liking (you know the type of place) everyone in there looked the same, and no one in particular stood out, so I make a dive for the one nearest me (first bad move!)

after a brief introduction and some fumbling attempts at trying to coax her out of her shell ( the damp dark atmosphere didn't exactly enhance the conversational mood!) she practically jumps on me , takes my face off and grabs onto my helmet!!!

fast forward 30 minutes and here’s me with this chick clinging onto me ,Dallas and Lambert all the worst for wear, stuck in the airlock arguing with Ripley (who left her in charge?!) about letting us back into the frigging ship!...eventually Ash, god bless his robotic socks, opens the hatch and manages to laser her tentacles off my head ( talk about literally 'being off your face on acid')

bad sex? being raped in the face, getting pregnant and giving birth through my chest cavity...don't talk to me about bad sex!

any similarity to the plotline of 'Alien' is purely intentional

length.?..about 12 inches out of my bloodied torso whilst eating dinner if you must ask
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 16:10, Reply)

Anal Tear
Very good sex actually, but a nasty ending.
A few years back, pissed up at a party, I managed to pull a right dirty sort. Back to her place, clothes off quick time and the fun begins. She goes down, I go down, her on top, me on top, you get the picture. When pissed the creative, and other juices flow freely. Anyway, after about 20 minutes of ploughing through the Karma Sutra, I feel the pressure building and start doing her doggy as that's how I want to finish off. Pounding away, I notice her brown eye winking at me so I have the brilliant idea of jamming my index finger in it, in time to the rhythm. In, out, in, out etc. All seems to go well and satisfaction is achieved. Well, mine for sure anyway. I hop off, and lay on my back to catch my breath and she snuggles up and starts fondling the now Mr. Droopy. Ah, life don't get much better, this is grea...............YOWWWWWWOWWWWWWOOOWWWWW!
The bitch just jammed HER long-nailed, index finger up my ring saying "How the fuck do you like it?". Then dons clothes and buggers off into the night.
The bleeding stopped after 20 minutes or so, but the pain lasted for near enough 2 weeks and sitting was not fun.
Funnily enough, I've never tried that stunt again.
Length? Girth? None at all for a fortnight.
(behold the golden sausage has never been bi-curious., Tue 19 Jun 2007, 16:06, Reply)

Snapped banjo strings
In my experience only occur when enthusiasm overwhelms lubrication.

The banjo string is to tell lads that foreplay shouldn't be an afterthought.
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Daddy
I'm not sure this is the worst, initially at least it was rather good, but went downhill more rapidly than a yeti on a toboggan.

I'd gone clubbing and, against all the odds, pulled. Back to hers for tea and bed and all was good in the world. Went out for a couple of weeks and after a few pints she asks me to spank her. Fair enough thought I, not my kink but why hot if she likes it. And like it she did, getting very turned on indeed and started to mumble to herself. Finally she became more vocal, asking my to spank me harder, then finally "Spank me hard daddy."

OK thought I, don’t say anything, we were both pissed etc. But every time after that she wanted a spanking and now during sex she started to call me daddy and later on wanted me to say something her being "my little girl." I'm an open minded chap but the whole thing was getting a bit icky.

The crunch came when I actually met her parents. The dad was the spit of me – if he hadn't have been twenty years older I've have been asking my mum some fairly pointed questions. I made my excuses and left shortly afterwards.
(paxvobiscum, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 15:15, Reply)

comic relief
When I was a young lad of sixteen or so, me and my first Girlfriend proper, used to sneak over the local school playing fields for our frequent adventures in drunken sexual discovery.
One dark evening I pulled down her M&S panties, exposed her heaving snatch and thought it was probably about time I should
venture down for a munch on that (still technically illegal) hairy clopper.

First impressions weren't great - It was slimy, not entirely unlike a 'Scampi Fry' and had a distinctly metallic aftertaste.
'Strange' I thought, so gave her a couple more victory laps then carried on pumping away unexpertly until my toes curled.

3 minutes later:

"That was great" I said, and pulled up my trousers while swigging away on a party pack of White Lightning feeling like a thinner, paler Barry White.
We went and joined our group of friends elsewhere who immediately began laughing and calling me Rudolph due to the fact my nose was covered in her menstrual blood.

Thanks for telling me love...

Revenge, I can assure you, was sweet, degrading and painful.
(wrigglesworth, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 15:14, Reply)

tdavidj
Good point. But they don't actually have a choice in whether to snip their own off as it's done in infancy. They just go and ask the doctors to do it to their sons when they come along.

At least it solves the frenulum-snapping problem, but I'd be interested to know what the religious justification is for doing so (and needless to say there will be one)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 15:12, Reply)

K2k6
You also find that many god botherers of varying faiths and denominations believe devoutly in snipping off what god has given them.
(tdavidj, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 15:07, Reply)

K2k6
Well nature has sense of humour, even as a guy I can say that a certain part of the male anatomy was designed with a laughable regard to aesthetics.

Yep, the day Mother Nature subcontracted that one out, Norman Foster was unavailable and instead the job went to Banksy.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 19 Jun 2007, 14:53, Reply)

All this talk of snapped banjo strings
seems to blow the intelligent design theory of mankind's existence out of the water. Surely a supreme being would have come up with a design that was less likely to fail and cause injury and distress?

Of course the god-botherers will argue that sex is sinful and it's a way of putting you off it, but to that I say:

Go forth and multiply.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 14:51, Reply)

An epiphany
My first time with my current bf, it was all going swimmingly with me on top until he suddenly went limp inside me. Oh noes, I think, I am a crap lay. So I try not to act disappointed and clamber off, still kissing, trying to be romantic. Then I get up and walk to the bathroom when I feel something trickling down my thigh.

It worries me that my initial thought was *not* the obvious, but eventually the penny drops and I give my bf a confused look and asked if he had come, and then when he said he had, I looked at him, smiled and said "oh thank god, I thought I was just incontinent!"

We're still together, a year and a half on. He sees my special qualities.
(petite chaussure, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 14:36, Reply)

what a wanker
Came home from pub, very drunk but rather horny. Decided to indulge myself with some multiple orgasms.

Woke up several hours later to the dying buzz of my rampant rabbit twisted among the sheets and a killer headache.

I fell asleep while masturbating. That's how crap sex with myself was.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 14:29, Reply)

A right bloody mess
Many moons ago when I was at uni, I boosted my meagre student income by working behind the S.U. bar. Now our uni was proper shit, a hell hole of town featured in the '7 worst places to live in UK' program that we enjoyed in our first week there. So, everyone would drink in the safe haven of the SU bar. And being behind the bar, generally meant easy sex.

So one time after a nights of hard drinking, i mean, working, I went home with the lovely Sarah. Sarah and I had met the week before, exchanged a snog and then, a week later, we decided to spend the night.

Luckily her house was not so far, so in 10 mins, we were back to hers. a few pleasantries with the housemates before off up to bed. Great, Sarah wasn't the brightest spark but she looked filthy. And that she was.

So we got at it, all fun, but having had a few beers, I wasn't going to come and was starting to get bored. I don't know if Sarah sensed this but she climbs off and starts giving 'oral relief'. Now I definitely won't come. Getting more bored, we both stop, she's immediately gets up and disappears for half an hour. Sensing I may have offended her, I start to fall asleep, as well I didn't care that much. Until when she gets back and I need the loo.

When I get there, I look at the bloody mess that is my genitalia in horror, fearing she'd bitten something she shouldn't have. Until I spot tongue marks around the tops of my legs. Damn it, she's bled on me and tried to lick the evidence away. Feeling slightly sick, but still wanting to sleep, I wash up and head back to bed. "Oh, you came on then..." "No" she says...

Told the story to a mate behind the next week, he took her home within 20 mins...
(CornishStanley can't post hyperlinks, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 14:24, Reply)

OK OK enough of the nob injuries!
I can't take anymore of this!

How many more broken nobs and snapped banjo strings do we have to hear about? :D

I suspect this QOTW is starting to fizzle out a bit - much like my sex life. ;)

Can't we hear about some good sex now? Please?

Where's FrankSpencer when we need him? Is he on the job?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 19 Jun 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Obligatory tiggy the diver post
Crap shag #289475

Once I shagged this guy

He was rubbish.




_{Sorry, but I've had my fair share of rubbish shags, they're just not interesting enough to mention here.}
( KernKraft Gosh, there isn't much noise outside today, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 14:20, Reply)

Tent sex
In a camp site in the Lake district. I hate camping and I didn't particularly like the bloke I was with and I dont think he particulary liked me. He couldn't finish because he was paranoid about people listining but to be honest they wouldn't have been able to hear us over the sound of my mate and her guy in the tent next to us screaming like banshees.



By the way, your all a bunch of dirty ho's! But in a nice way.
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 14:09, Reply)

Forgot this one...
OK, me and the ex started well and faded badly. But in the beginning, there was muchos sexyness going on. One time, I was going off to finish my final year at uni so we had travelled to Liverpool to find me a room. In the end, I found one but couldn't sign until the following morning, so we spent the night in a hotel.

We went out drinking 1st, then back to the hotel. We tried every way that we'd seen/heard/thought about. It was going brilliantly. Mini Man was standing up well to just over 2 hours fun.

That was until the Ex wanted to try one she'd seen on some film. Facing each other, both lean back until you virually lying flat. Minimal movements but maximum pleasure.

Suddenly, the Ex had a sneezing fit. With Mini Me still in the house. A loud snapping noise. Things droop. We sleep.

Next morning, first slash of the day is pretty much pure blood. Queue 6 hours in a hospital waiting room. Then having to explain about having dirty sex and getting injured.

The cure; no sex for a month, and every erection was like having a javelin inserted up your Japs Eye.

Fun.
(gjb006, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 13:48, Reply)

Not me, but a friend
A friend of mine once told me of how, one Saturday night, he was enjoying an evening out in the local rock club. He'd been steadily drinking whilst chatting with friends, but was thankfully sober enough to notice a (by all accounts) stunning goth girl giving him the sexy eye. This friend thanks his lucky stars, and walks over to her. Small talk is exchanged, and the two spend the rest of the night drinking and dancing and eventually kissing, whilst his mates look on in envy.

At the end of the night, she asks him if he'd like to come home with her, to which he agrees (his speedy response possibly underlying how eager for a shag he was). So, the two leave together, and soon arrive at her flat. It was about 3am when they get in, and her place was as black as the devil's heart. She'd outfitted her room in (stereo)typical goth fashion, black velvet and netting everywhere, Bauhaus posters etc.

My friend looks around, is relaxed by the lack of handcuffs or sharp cutlery near the bed, and is even further relaxed by the naughty act that this goth chick then performs on him. To the bed they head, pulling clothes off each other as they go. She lies on her back... spreads her legs slightly... and that's all.

Thinking he must take the initiative, our plucky hero equips a condom, and gets on top. Bumping and grinding and penetrative dancing commences, but he can't help but notice that she's simply lying still, her eyes unblinkingly staring up at the ceiling. Her pulse is obvious, she's not fitting ("thank fuck" thinks our hero), and so my friend soldiers on.

After a few minutes he starts getting bored, so mid-coitus he takes a look around the room (his eyes having now accustomed to the dark). He notices a couple of dolls on the shelves. Quite a lot really. Something's odd about them, but he can't qui- they have no eyes! Every single doll, over 30 at least, had had their eyes removed!

He looks down at the girl, still staring up at the ceiling with those blank eyes. Suddenly she starts snoring lightly, so our hero reasons she must be asleep, albeit with her eyes open in a scary horror movie way. Understandably feeling quite uncomfortable, he pulls out, gets up, and quietly starts getting dressed. Whilst getting his shoes on, he looks up at the ceiling above her bed.

Staring down at him were approximately 60 doll eyes.

He tells this tale every now and again, seemingly proud of having had shit scary-sex, but I think that's a quirk of the healing process.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 13:42, Reply)

High and slightly moist
I've had my fair share of crap trysts in my time, when the expectation of sexual nirvana has been rewarded with something as exciting as rummaging around in a bag of chips (metaphorically speaking it's been close to the mark once or twice). However, two particular instances of crushing disappointment spring to mind. The most recent I'm about to post, the second is causing me to wrestle with my conscience and may/may not be recorded here just yet.

Last year I'd been dating this one lass, who I must confess was very attractive in an athletic/dark brunette/cute nose kind of a way who suggested we meet for a few beers one Friday night. Now she lived in another town, so she suggested she crash on my sofa. Okay, we can see where this is going, but if I have one piece of advice to red blooded fellas out there it is NEVER assume that just because a lass is going to crash at your gaff, you're guarateed sexytime. It's just not the done thing.

Anyway, she arrived at my place and dumped her baggage off in my lounge before we headed out. Man, was she pretty... I was playing things cool and let the conversation flow all night before we grabbed a taxi back home. She'd had hold of my hand and reached over in the back of the cab, turned my chin to face her and started to kiss me.

Oh yeah! Within twenty minutes, we'd fallen through my front door and after an hour or so of fooling around on the sofa, we retired to the bedroom.

Hmm... Clothing was shed and industrial strength kissing continued. I was up for making a good impression so I slowly ventured south, taking time to admire the scenery en route. Now this isn't something I go about with the intention of doing a half hearted job oh no, anything less than a positive response is treated as a blow to the ego so I invested considerable time and effort in ensuring that she was happy with what I was doing. The fact that the volume level had increased markedly and that she was arching her back and grinding her pelvis into my face was an excellent sign so I continued until such point as I was beckoned North again.

I was feeling rather pleased with myself for all of ten seconds, until I was rewarded with an "mmmmm, that was nice" followed by a kiss to my cheek and within a few moments the unmistakeable sound of gentle lady snores.

Wha??? Had I missed something? I felt a sudden urge to say something barbed, but the fact that my tongue was on the point of cramping meant it would have come out as a Jonathan Ross-esque "Flobbidy, flub... Aha, awight" and the sentiment would have been lost in translation. Okay, I must confess that even if she had said "that was nice, anything I can do for you?" I'd probably have replied "no thank you" (or more accurately "Flubboo flubks), but it's the thought that counts. Meh.

Instead, I rolled over taking as much duvet as humanly possible and dozed off to sleep gently fuming.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 19 Jun 2007, 13:08, Reply)

Rough shag
The worst shag I ever had was this.

It was dry, rough and hurt my throat.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 12:31, Reply)

Picture the Scene
14 years old, I'm at home watching Newsround and, obviously, get the raging horn. So I get some butter out of the fridge, apply it to my genitals and start thrusting my cock into the TV's aerial socket.

you can tell what happened next... my dog came in and started licking the TV! Problem was there was loads of static and he ended up vomiting - RIGHT INTO MY FUCKING JAP'S EYE!

I've never felt so disgusted - fortunately my mum had walked into the room and gently sucked the dog puke out of my penis.

We've never spoken about it since.
(Confused, would we? doesn't know what time it is at, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 11:55, Reply)

Judging by the posts...
..you'll hope it's coffee :D

*installs monitor windscreen wipers*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 11:49, Reply)

Thanks Jeccy
I'll post that to Sarah, she'll spit coffee at the computer reading that !!!
( Tiggy the diver, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Nil by mouth. And scary daddy issues.
Tiggy - your numbering seems to have gone a bit weird.

But your latest post made me think of a lovely girl I was seeing for a few months, who for reasons I never found out just wouldn't allow me to go down on her - a damn shame as, frankly, I love it. And it wasn't as if she was disinclined herself, in fact the girl should've worn kneepads.

In almost every way the situation was perfect, she was drop-dead gorgeous with a fantastic figure, way out of my league and otherwise very adventurous sexually... I just never ever got to dine at the Y.

She was also quite a bit younger than me and that's where it went *really* wrong. She used to sit on my lap and fiddle with my goatee. Nothing wrong in that, except when her pillow talk once turned to how she liked to sit on her dad's lap and play with his goatee...

Ticket to Hull?
(fuckitall out of here, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 11:39, Reply)

Tiggy, we know you've been busy....
but there was no need to make a map.



:D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 11:33, Reply)

THE WORST SEX I EVER HAD........................
The worst sex I ever had was a one night stand I picked up in Halifax aged 18. I out clubbing with my friends and towards the end of the night a guy started chatting me up. He buys me some drinks and says he’s in the army so when he invites me back to his friends house I accept.



BIG MISTAKE!! We get a taxi to his mates house and annoyingly nobody seems to have any cash so I foot the taxi bill. We then all pile into a dodgy terraced house in a dodgy looking part of town.



As we walk in I notice the place has no wallpaper, a stained couch and that there is a couple laying on the floor looking pretty miffed at my presence. We head upstairs and I notice a huge foot long hole in the top of the stairs but try not to worry too much and take my stud to bed.



As soon as I lie on the bed, said guy takes his trousers off, lies on top of me and then FALLS ASLEEP! I'm only a petite lass and I can't tell you how hard it was for my to get that w*nker off of me. He was hard and fast asleep and when I did eventually manage to throw him off me, he had the cheek to wonder why I was pissed off.



I threw on my clothes, ran outside and called a cab. To add insult to injury the to*ser tries to nab a lift home for free in my cab!!! I told him in no uncertain terms that this was not an option and instructed my cabbie to drive away ASAP. I then had to pay the £30.00 cab fare back to Bradford. All in all it cost me about £40.00 to not get screwed and be totally insulted! WE LIVE AND LEARN EH??!!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 11:20, Reply)

too many to mention
most of my bad sexual encounters have been in part if not fully my fault. Reading Tiggys blog and I can see myself over again. one that definately wasn't down to me was a lovely young thing that I'd been after for years, since school infact let's call her Diane, because that's her name. Diane was polls apart from me, beautiful, clever, popular and drop dead sexy so it amazed me when she started to give me the old come on in the pub. Several JD and cokes later, hey I know what women want, and it's back to mine for a night of passion.
First disappointment; those fantastic looking tits, take off the bra and they fell about two feet.
second; hairy, hairy, hairy. not just the rain forest but underarms, stomach, arse and most disturbingly of all NIPPLES, I was a 24 year old man and she had better chest hair than me!!
she still has a beautiful face and as I always say a standing dick has no conscience. so on with the job in hand. Being a gentleman I growl at the badger and suprisingly despite the undergrowth it's fresh and very moist,the only off putting thing was the noise her stomach was making, kind of a low growl. So I carried on until she'd agreed with me in no uncertain terms, yes, yes, Fuchin YESSSSS! and then we went at it with me behind, things went well until she began to reach the point of no return, I could hear her stomach growl above the noise she was making. Now not knowing any better I thought maybe it's just some thing she does when she's very happy. Oh how wrong can you be. As she came her muscles relaxed and I was treated to a shower of hot stinking diahorea, it just kept on coming even as she began to scream and cry at what she was doing. needless to say it took a while to clean up. I had to throw the matress and sheets away, I lent her some clothes to go home in and even gave her a lift. As I said I'm a gent but I still get flash backs when i hear the "Scatman" song
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Tue 19 Jun 2007, 11:04, Reply)

Bad Shag #10
OK, ok, you think I'm an unlucky person or just shag too much ?? I have had some good ones. This takes the biscuit though.

The inevitable mate Sarah is involved yet again.

So, we are out on the lash as usual one weekend in southsea when the nightclubs used to be the nightclubs back in the 80's-90's, anyway we hooked up with Lynette who is a complete scrubber who picked up these blokes. they were off the navy ship that was - um - arabic, well it was quite plain that she was taking all 3 of them home and blowing them like a trumpet. Cue some other mates in there who introduced us to 2 guys we'd never met before - Lynni is now wondering whether to dump the arabs or shag them, well, so my potential shag is looking at me so hard I can see his.......Sarah said to me I think he's up for you, so I said, yeah, well I cut the evening short to take him back to my place. He was all sort of hot and sweaty which was a bit of a put off but WTF, anyway things start to get going and I started to give him one so to speak, then he said "oh that's too sensitive" - WHAT ?? He doesn't like being licked ??

So I indicated that I would like to be but that was off the menu too.

Ever known anyone like that ??

I went back to the nightclub and picked up someone else.
( Tiggy the diver, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 11:01, Reply)

Moment spoiled
New girlfriend. She was really up for everything. We were having a fantastic time shagging at every opportunity.

Anyway, she starts to go down on me, gently dragging her hair and boobs down my body. She licks just below my balls. Oooh. *shudder*

I murmur my appreciation, and she stops to whisper, "Yeah, my Uncle always liked that."

...

Erm, what did you just say?
(like I'm going to give my name, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 10:59, Reply)

Dont know what you mean...
A second class fuck is better than a first class wank !
(Murphysbone, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 10:40, Reply)

Rakky
If he had a cock like a mushroom, that wasn't a real man's cock.

It was a toad's tool.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 10:01, Reply)