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What part of the Bible
do you most wish was true ?
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 9:58, archived)
I've not read most of it
turning water into wine would be good though.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:00, archived)
I've turned wine into water on a number of occasions.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:01, archived)
The bit where Moses parted his hair and then set his pubes on fire.
It just got misunderstood and blown out of proportion, that's all.

gguuuuuh, hungover. Someone make me teas and bacons...
(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:00, archived)
cup of bacon and a tea sandwich?

(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:02, archived)
Tea
made with liquid bacon fat instead of milk.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:03, archived)
How about a compromise and we use pig's milk?

(I helped save b3ta! OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:08, archived)
You can't milk a pig.
Fact.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:10, archived)
no...
YOU can't milk a pig
(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:10, archived)
You can try,
But it'll fucking kill you.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:11, archived)
And you'll get worms.
Also a fact.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:12, archived)
Who said anything about a pig?

(I helped save b3ta! OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:10, archived) 

         _.-'~~~~~~`-._
        /      ||      \
       /       ||       \ 
      |        ||        |
      | _______||_______ |
      |/ ----- \/ ----- \|
     /  (     )  (     )  \
    / \  ----- () -----  / \
   /   \      /||\      /   \ _____ They go through bone like butter.
  /     \    /||||\    /     \
 /       \  /||||||\  /       \
/_        \o========o/        _\
  `--...__|`-._  _.-'|__...--' 
          |    `'    |

(I helped save b3ta! Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:12, archived)
No sugar,
I'm sweet enough already.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:13, archived)
Yeah you can. Where do you think goats milk comes from.

(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:12, archived)
I've never thought of that...
Where does sheep-cheese come from then?
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:14, archived)
Dog tits.

(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:16, archived)
... And suddenly the world makes sense again.

(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:17, archived)
Piglets manage.

(I helped save b3ta! L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Fri 15 May 2009, 10:14, archived)
Yeah,
But if you try suckling on it's pig-tit, it won't be happy.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:15, archived)
Unless you're also a piglet?

(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:18, archived)

*heats frying pan*
*gets kettle*
*fills kettle with water*
*knocks over kettle onto cooker*
*flames boom up*
*in a panic, I try to waft the flames out with the bacon*
*its no good, I'll try and cook the bacon anyway*
*Argh. So much fire*
*there's water in the pan so I'll just chuck the teabags in as well*
*pours entire contents into a mug*

There you go. Do you mind cleaning up the kitchen afterwards? I'm going to lie down.
(I helped save b3ta! Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:04, archived)
*Chugs*
That tasted FREAKING AMAZING! amazingly tasted of shit.

I won't clean up, but I'll do an impression of Henry Winkler with a Henry vacuum cleaner.
(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:11, archived)
awww DG
I'll make you some frankfurters.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:16, archived)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I almost caved in at the weekend, I'VE BEEN A GOOD BOY :(
(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:17, archived)
Keep at it man!
Don't fall off the wagon into a DELICIOUS PILE OF FRANKIES
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:24, archived)
Naked chicks marching about not giving a shit

(I helped save b3ta! Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:01, archived)
this
www.youtube.com/watch?v=bar3GOzDNzg
(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:01, archived)
this is actually brilliant
i hope you've watched it
(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:07, archived)
It is indeed

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:15, archived)
Manna and honey.
Or FIRE AND BRIMSTONE.
(I helped save b3ta! LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Fri 15 May 2009, 10:01, archived)
Apples gave me knowledge.

(I helped save b3ta! mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:02, archived)
This:
"And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith."

A thousand people? With a donkey-gum?
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:02, archived)
*cough*
"You Ethiopians will also be slaughtered by my sword," says the LORD. And the LORD will strike the lands of the north with his fist. He will destroy Assyria and make its great capital, Nineveh, a desolate wasteland, parched like a desert. The city that once was so proud will become a pasture for sheep and cattle. All sorts of wild animals will settle there. Owls of many kinds will live among the ruins of its palaces, hooting from the gaping windows."

Dead Africans and hooting owls really pump my nads.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:06, archived)
Hmmm...
[God hating Africans/AIDS reference/tired sigh]

I do worry about fundamentalists. Them and owls.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:09, archived)
It is their beady eyes
and the ability to almost completely revolve their head I don't trust. Fundamentalists that is.
(I helped save b3ta! Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:11, archived)
nice Breakfast Club Reference there.

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:12, archived)
Using me as a weapon you could slay 1000 men.
Gayly
(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:19, archived)
You're pretty skinny,
Maybe we could make a giant crossbow and fire you at 'em?
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:22, archived)
Where Satan and God have a bet to see whether Job would turn bad if they did loads of horrible things to him.
I bet they got the idea from the Dan Ackroyd part of Trading Places.
(I helped save b3ta! RR I love you ... in a way, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:03, archived)
Personally
I'd like to see Noahs Ark. Full of two of every animal.

Just for the spectacle.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:03, archived)
It'd be the BEST zoo in the world.

(I helped save b3ta! mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:11, archived)
I'd just like to see Noah
being chased around the place by an agry gorilla while his sons are trying to stop the Lions eating the antelopes.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:12, archived)
some of the old war ones.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:04, archived)
Years at a church school means the bible was drummed into me.
As a kid though I always liked the story of Balaam's ass. Just cos it had a talking donkey in it.
(I helped save b3ta! Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:06, archived)
I prefer the tale of Marys cunt

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:07, archived)
Immaculate conception my arse!
I heard she bloody loved it when God gave her a good seeing to!
(I helped save b3ta! Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:09, archived)
I heard he did her up the shitter

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:09, archived)
Which version is that in?
It isn't in the King James....
(I helped save b3ta! Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:13, archived)
It's in the "Little boys Catholic bible stories"

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:14, archived)
"Sure, and young Eammon
would you not like to know more about what Mary felt when the Lord visited her ?"

"No father"

"Oh go-waaaan !"
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:15, archived)
Leads me into the joke...
How do you know a catholic priest is a paedophile?

He is Catholic and he is a priest.
(I helped save b3ta! Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:18, archived)
The bit where babies were dashed against the rocks.

(I helped save b3ta! Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:07, archived)
Only because it gives you the horn

(I helped save b3ta! Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:10, archived)

Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.

I think this was before Jesus got God into Marijuana though
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:10, archived)
Ezekiel 23:20
she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
(I helped save b3ta! Cactus 1 doesn't care what you think on, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:10, archived)
Her lovers spunked horses?
Sounds like a furries dream.
(I helped save b3ta! OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:11, archived)
spunked like horses rather than actual horses

(I helped save b3ta! Cactus 1 doesn't care what you think on, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:13, archived)
Yeah
it means they had massive cocks and spunked like a racehorse pissing.

You have to wonder what the fuck God was trying to teach us putting this sort of FILTH where kids could read it.

If you wrote that in a Tomas the Tank Engine book "...and the steam came out of Tomas's pipe like a randy stallions cum" the Christians would be burning it quicker than you could blink.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:17, archived)
I can just see some old dude
in the desert, writing that shit down with a quill in one hand and the other bashing away at his cock.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:12, archived)
Sandy

(I helped save b3ta! OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:13, archived)
Or the bit where God tells Abraham to kill his son, just for a laugh.
That God, eh? What a japester!
(I helped save b3ta! RR I love you ... in a way, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:10, archived)
I liked this part where he placed all those bits of contradictory evidence to the bible
just to test out faith, the cad.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:13, archived)
The bit where Neo says 'Why do my eyes hurt' and Morpheus says 'I poked them with my cock LOL'.

(I helped save b3ta! OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:10, archived)
The bit where someone loves me :(

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:11, archived)
They took that bit out
because it was fucking shit.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:13, archived)
I wish the plagues on Egypt happened again.

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:14, archived)
yeah
fuckng pyramiddy, walking sideways cunts.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:16, archived)
John 11:35
I think of that every time I come here
(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:14, archived)

here
LOL
(I helped save b3ta! mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:17, archived)
i like the bit where jesus does a skid and kills a kid, then unlucky for him chops off his willy with a dusbin lid, only kidding, no offence, forum banter
great
(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:14, archived)
you're losing your facade

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:18, archived)
leave him alone, he's happily insisting on himself

(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Fri 15 May 2009, 10:23, archived)