"get the London look!"
not if it means ending up with fucking gnashers like Georgina Jagger, thanks.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 22:26, 10 replies)

The Usual Suspects
I'm sure I'll think of a ton more, and apologies if these have already been done, but I really must vent my dislike of;

- Rimmel. Primarily because the name sounds like a harrowing portmanteau of 'Rim' and 'Camel' (and god only knows why you'd need to portmanteau those two), but also because they remind me why models never usually speak. Each advert consists of 28 seconds of a lady looking incredibly polished, followed by two seconds which shatter the whole illusion as you hear her honk "Get the London look" in the sort of balls-ugly foghorn that causes passing sea-lions to turn their heads.

- Berroca's shameless robbing of the OK Go treadmill video. Hopefully one day OK Go will return the favour by launching a drink which tastes revolting and does nothing but turn your piss luminous.

- WKD. It's a drink for bell-ends who can't manage a whole pint of beer, and the adverts feature a bunch of bell-ends being bell-ends, so I can't really fault them for accuracy. There's still no excuse though. (N.B. I did, however, like one WKD advert in which a woman enjoying a relaxing bath is interrupted by her husband barging in to take a dump, complete with magazine. There was something about the sheer bluntness that did it for me)

- Any insurance advert which includes the phrase 'We're not on price-comparison websites' as if it was a good thing. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not convinced that letting Confused.com show your prices would cost you huge amount. It's like me advertising my services as a children's entertainer with a classified ad proclaiming "I haven't been CRB-checked, so I can pass that saving on to YOU"

- The last few Christmas' Boots adverts, in which they position themselves as official supplier to the office Secret Santa. Not just for the grating style, but also for their crafty attempts to inflate the generally-accepted value of the Secret Santa gift. Maybe I've only ever worked for tightwads, but every Secret Santa I've experienced has had a top price limit of £10. Boots ads, however, show people giving their loathed colleagues £40 facial-hair trimmers, designer perfumes, all sorts. It could be that I need to adjust my tinfoil hat, but it does look like they're trying to convince us that the rest of the world thinks nothing of trotting down to Boots to spend £50 on a sun-lamp for the cunt in HR.

It's not all doom and that, though. Orange Tango adverts have always attracted huge praise, but one ad for Blackcurrant Tango is often cruelly overlooked. It's amazing; The editing is great, the soundtrack is perfect and the whole thing is the most incredible and exhilarating rush I've ever seen in a commercial. The bit right at the end especially, when the planes descend, is awesome.
(costas, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 22:16, 4 replies)

Hello!
I am 23 year old model, and I am worried that my skin is aging and making me old and horrible looking, so I buy this new "Super Magic Wonder" cream which makes me look young and beautiful.

It contains many big, made up words for things which are basically nothing more than mashed up bits of plant, and it taughtens your skin, because that sounds better than tightens. (Taughtens has a squiggly red line under it here because it's not a fucking word, even my spellchecker agrees).

To sum up, we've been claiming the exact same things since the 50's while constantly ramping up the price for the snake oil I am currently peddling. But you want to look like me so you'll spend most of your wages buying what is essentially just vaseline.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 21:53, 8 replies)

Those Lloyds bank adverts
I can't quite put my finger on it but I hate them all. I think its the way they quite so blatantly pander to middle class families that grinds my gears. Oh and that I hate wanker bankers.
(Bramo plotting to take over the world since, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 21:19, 1 reply)

ive always liked this weetabix one
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oozGotV-Xcs
(benito vaselini no not that one, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 20:44, 1 reply)

Some manner of fajita/taco kit advert...
...possibly old el paso, where you've got this room of trendified twats doing a little dance with their tacos (or maybe tortillas) before just eating them, usually invoking what appears to be a full and satisfying orgasm.

For fuck's sake it's a meal not a party game, and I doubt it tastes THAT good no matter how amusing your cum-face is. Get to fuck.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 20:24, Reply)

Yes I know it's Barclaycard advert
but this is currently one of my fave ads:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WlRcXIO5ik

I'd just love to travel to work like this.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 20:05, Reply)

I like that advert
Where there's a car zooming along a vast and impressive landscape, probably Italy or France, along smooth mountain roads in which it's the only moving thing in the country and it makes it look as if the car is worth the exhorbitant price because it makes all other vehicles incorporeal and invisible, and comes with a villa in the Alps.

I'm not sure if you'll have seen it though.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 18:00, Reply)

And another one
The "Benefit Fraud" ads; what's the point? If you are making fraudulent claims, will this ad make you stop? Maybe, but it's not offering an amnesty, it's just saying "You may as well carry on in the hope we dont get you". Utterly pointless.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 17:58, 2 replies)

Cadbury World
The only advert you have to PAY to see/taste/"experience".

£25 for me and Kite Jr to learnt that Cadbury make nice chocolate.

And the "Essence" show, where the actors are trying to invent Cadbury's Dairy Milk but cant get the recipe just right; until they accidentally add some MILK! Who would have guessed Milk was an ingredient in Milk Chocolate.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 17:23, 2 replies)

Carol Vorderman
The Finance ads (Ocean?). You can just see the adman thinking; "Vordermann's smart, she'll impress the plebs if we stick her mug on our ads. They know she's good with numbers".

Deeply cynical.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 17:19, 3 replies)

Free advice to Santander:
In a recent advert, you appear to suggest that you can afford your customers safe passage across the financial landscape, in an allegory where a specially built red viaduct represents Santander, responding to the needs of its customers and delivering a tailored service. The sleeping child in the family car may even hint at how much better his life will turn out because his parents chose Santander.

This may all be wonderful, however your bridge design appears to be based on gigantic LEGO bricks, whose proportions are no different to their normal size equivalents. There's not enough friction between LEGO bricks to form a stiff arch, necessary to achieve the slender spans of your supposed bridge design. LEGO bricks are designed to be easily separated. Any family car attempting to cross this bridge would plummet to the valley floor, along with the number of structural engineers banking with you. The LEGO studs would also make it a very bumpy ride.

...and while Lewis Hamilton may be a Formula 1 champion, his skills are not necessarily transferable to the job of supervising a major construction job.

Just a thought.
(Good old boy just like yer grandma!, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 15:56, 4 replies)

So simple even a man can do it!
And other lines in various ads where the man is depicted as a disposable moron because, well, he's just a silly man.

Hey Mrs perfect housewife with your perfect house and perfect kids, how do you pay for that perfect life whilst having to do nothing but sit on your perfect ass watching other bitches bitching on TV?

I refer you to this for the answer: b3ta.com/links/The_16_bit_life_after_the_princess_has_been_rescued
( ..wil, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 15:31, 1 reply)

Poles apart...
webuyanycar.com. They never reply to my emails which question their father's credentials or their mother's morals. Weird.

Oatsosimple however, Windy Miller, the naked Uncle. Advertising doesn't get any better than that.!
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Last night I witnessed possibly the most cynical example of marketing ever
Cunningly disguised as a piece of 45-minute family drama with a science fiction twist. Yes, Doctor Who, I'm looking at you. If that new, chunky Dalek design, in five bright and shiny colours isn't a marketing ploy to sell more toys at Christmas, then I'll eat my hat.

I'll probably still buy the fuckers though, even though I'm not sure about the new design. They've got fat arses for starters.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 18 Apr 2010, 12:08, 7 replies)

Oh man this one too.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-iMWwMgU00 Double F was convinced I made it up. I think I only ever saw it once on telly but I loved it.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 11:19, Reply)

I know its a sketch..
But, this should be an advert.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqq051BU2MY
(Code of Post lives at the moment in time that is..., Sun 18 Apr 2010, 9:32, 2 replies)

After a couple of negative posts
Here's one from the 1980s that I remember fondly.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Toek6CdldC8
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 9:31, Reply)

The Land of 'Why Not?'
'Have you ever been sunbathing next to a glacier? Why not?'

Because I have no money.

There's a recession. Many people have no money.

Many people could not afford a Royal Caribbean cruise at the best of times, even if they did want to surround themselves with smug yuppy cunts and racist old mayflies who think an artificial surfing system is the most goddamn out-there thing they ever did see.

So before you suggest that I have no good reason for submitting myself to purgatory, consider the above information, you abortion-humping arsewanks.
(thePontificator, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 9:14, 1 reply)

gotomypc.com
gotomyPC.com is a potentially useful service that has the misfortune to be advertised as if it is necessary only in times of great fucking idiocy.

The ad consists of a man, about to do a presentation, who has forgotten his computer. His desktop computer. The only kind of computer in the world. Obviously this is an important presentation, but alas this man has forgotten what appears to be (in whatever strange reality the advert is set in) the key piece of hardware necessary to wow the assembled masses. His desktop computer. The only kind of computer in the world. Also not a portable computer, no. A desktop computer. If only some kind of portable computer could be invented, then this man would be able to bring his computer with him without as much hassle. As it is he has to bring his bulky desktop with him to meetings, presumably in his car (which, in Advert world, people will see and immediately ask him 'Is that your car?' as if to say 'But you are a fugly munter, how can you own such a vehicle?'). Surely if one has only one item to bring to a meeting, and it is a large computer comprising several pieces of equipment, it's quite easy to remember? This guy is obviously under a lot of pressure. Someone of that level of idiocy couldn't possibly be in a position of responsibility?

Yes. Yes, they can.

But anyway, this fool has a solution. He will whistle for his intelligent pigeon friends to carry over the computer equipment to the office he is in. Yes. Yes he will. This will work. It's a perfectly normal response to the situation. It's the only response available. There are NO OTHER ALTERNATIVES.

In this situation, says the ad, you need gotomypc.com. It's the other alternative. The only other alternative.

So, in an attempt to sell their product, gotomypc.com have presented an idiot who has left AN ENTIRE DESKTOP COMPUTER at his office on the day of a big presentation who apparently has never heard of laptops, e-mail, back-up files, USB memory sticks or cards, not-forgetting-the-desktop, writing it down, flip charts, CDs, floppy discs, mobile phones and NOT BEING A TWAT.

At the end of the advert the pigeons, who have caused transport chaos en route, as well as havoc in the office, bring in his desktop. This probably doesn't look to good, presentation wise. And they forgot the keyboard. D'oh!

If you know nothing about computers and need to look at someone else's computer then gotomypc.com is very useful. This fact does not come across in the advert, where it looks like the tool of imbeciles. By the way, for anyone reading this, a desktop computer cannot be carried by pigeons. For proof of this I refer you to the opening scene of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. True, they're talking about swallows, but the principle remains. However, it is still true that a desktop computer is the only kind of computer. So there.
(thePontificator, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 9:03, 4 replies)

An open letter to Honda (apologies for length)
"Dear Honda,

Over the years I have come to tolerate your presence on the globular accident we share as a location, but I have now decided that I have had enough.

I want you to fuck off.

Now, I should add that I have never driven one of your cars, and I never plan to (much in the same way as I never plan to drink Cobra beer unless they too issue a grovelling, flagellating apology and stand in the stocks for several weeks while people throw hungry kittens at them), but this is entirely, 100%, completely your fault. Why? Because of "The Power of Dreams".

On Honda's Youtube channel "Prince of Pwnage" writes:

"PrinceofPwnage (3 weeks ago)

Hey there, just to let you know, I have dreamed of having a honda civic ever since i was 8, and now i am 17 and i have had my '97 Civic for almost a year, and 0 trouble at all.

I LOVE IT! You guys can watch my car's videos if you want. Anyways, i love you honda. lol"

And that's from royalty folks. Good to see Pwnage isn't going secular. Anyway, let's combine this boy's spoutings with the concept of "The Power of Dreams". He has dreamed, DREAMED, of owning a Honda Civic since he was 8. Let's assume for a minute that he has done other things and not totally wasted his life. Let's also assume that we do not in any way automatically hate people whose parents buy them a new car (no he doesn't say if it was new or not, but he's called "PrinceofPwnage" ffs). Is there any way that we can say that his dream is not, in any way, massively depressing. It's the dream equivalent of the Grand National being ran by crippled horses, jockeyed by clones of Stephen Hawking. There's a reason this event isn't in the Special Olympics, and that is its complete lack of special qualities, no matter how many quotation marks you throw in there.

Next quote:

"johnatarctypcom (3 weeks ago)

Wow, as an inventor, metal sculptor, former high-tech marketing executive and author of science fiction, I can say all these clips are fantastic, inspiring, genuine and an excellent use of YouTube. A big thanks from someone helping to invent the future in my garage. Go Honda and Go Humans!"

Prick.

And finally:

"alex49698 (3 months ago)

I love Honda. I hope to work for Honda one day. No other car company gives me such inspirations to try harder for my goal."

Alex's profile says: "i'm a pretty good guy. i like cars, and i'm 6'4. i love to have funny convos, and i love music. i play tennis, i'm a freshman at warren central now."

Wow, thank you Honda. Thank you for being the only car company to give Alex such inspirations to try harder for his goal. When he reaches his goal (and I don't know what it is but we can only assume it will be ASTOUNDING) and the world is a better place rest assured everyone will point out the direct link. And teach Alex basic grammar and syntax.

As you may have gathered, I am not a fan. Or a fans, as Alex calls it.

As a concept The Power of Dreams works. As a series of adverts it is like someone using your spine as a pogo stick while shouting in your ear (in a voice that sounds like it grew up in a mansion then ran away to join a commune) that it's for the good of the environment and that it's your own fault you're being used as a pogo stick is because you aren't a forward thinking, outside-the-box, hessian wearing, tofu-bleeding shite-kite of such epically smug proportions that it would take five million 'YOU ARE A CUNT's to cause even the slightest dent in your righteous fucking armour. Combining people who like cars with people who like pretentious gash is one of the worst ideas ever. Then they keep making the adverts. They're kind of like perfume adverts, except without the excuse perfume adverts on telly have of not being able to convey the smell. They say nothing about the product, instead dressing it up as some kind of abstract seeming mimsy which ends on a '...', presumably inviting smiles of satisfaction as opposed to thoughts of extreme violence. It's the smarmy voice over. The lack of content (IT'S A CAR! TELL PEOPLE WHAT IT DOES!) and clever-clever/imbecidic attempts to be different and left field. It's like I Heart Huckabees but for cars. Take the advert where the voiceover man, sounding so pleased with himself because he knows where Madeleine McCann is and what he's doing to her, says 'This is what Honda feels like.' A choir then proceed to make some very accurate car noises. People fall out of their wicker chairs in astonishment at how brilliant it is.

Up in Heaven, St Peter scores several more names off his list.

What Honda feels like, essentially, is stylish but insubstantial. And like a man stroking his chin while several people spurt jizz and organic yoghurt at it, then lick it to see if they can work out which bit is which. And slightly cretinous. Honda is like being bored at the theatre or opera, not understanding what is going on and despairing while people all around you pretend to be experts in it, only to find at a later date that the tenor wasn't singing in Italian, he was singing Tellytubby speak and hoping no-one would notice. Or, if we ignore all of the negative aspects, Honda is a bit like driving, but without the realistic bits.

The reason for this post is, by the way, because of the latest Honda advert. It consists of some MSN emoticons on what appears to be an LED screen, set to a version of 'This Little Light of Mine' (already a song that feels like soul-rape by a man with a cyberpunk hedgehog for a penis) so twee that every member of Belle and Sebastian simultaneously shat out their pelvis through their eyes.

Then, without explanation, it says 'The Power of Dreams.' And shows some cars with lights that work. Or something. By this point I was building a small canoe out of old copies of Vice to escape the flood caused by my flatmate crying because he thought that society had just jumped the shark.

This is clearly the work of some cunts.

So, if you can find it in your hearts, you people at Honda, to make some good adverts and then kill yourselves and your marketing department, I figure we'll just about be even.

Yours sincerely, thePontificator

PS. You're a bell-end."
(thePontificator, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Wae-oh-wa-oh-wa-oh
That Kit Kat advert with the song really gets stuck in my head, so if one of you could finish the song off for me I could sing it all the way through and, in theory, banish it from my head forever.

Ta!

Wae-oh-wa-oh-wa-oh
Wae-oh-wa-oh-wa
Choco I miss you dancing
Miss you dancing with me
Every day-y yeah (yea-yea yea-yea-yea)
...
(mellocakes has a special fondness for chickpeas, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 3:02, 1 reply)

Doritos
Dori-toes!!


How i laughed.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 2:55, Reply)

PHONES4U..
I mean, What the fuck? Are they trying to tell me that their client base are all retards?

Thanks to their ads, I avoid the brand at all costs!

In contrast.. "The red car and the blue had a race!..blah blah" FTW!
( mikenco, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 2:16, Reply)

I used to think these
must be the most delicious things ever.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 2:11, 4 replies)

Olympic Diamond
Since I'm one of those self-important types that doesn't own a TV, I shall be using ye olde fashioned style print advertisement.

Look at this ad for Olympic Diamond.


(If you don't believe me, olympicdiamond.com)

I used to hate this ad. For one, the poorly-photoshopped addition of diamonds (and background) is just cringe-worthy. The second part that irked me was the general tweeness of it all. I mean, look at it. A man in a suit on a white horsey with diamonds in a scenic field. Jesus. Christ.

After a while, though, I started to only notice the man's face. Look at him. He's so damn happy. And why shouldn't he be happy? He's a rich-as-fuck diamond tycoon. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. He's rich, and if you don't like his ad you can just fuck off and be poor somewhere else.

And that's why I now think this is the awesomest ad ever. Kudos, Mr. Perla.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 1:06, 3 replies)

John West Salmon
My favourite advert of all time.
The part where he kicks the bear in the balls never fails to crack me up
www.youtube.com/watch?v=POmGx0h6MYg
(FootOfTim, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 0:17, 1 reply)

Adverts that use classical music
There is a generation (my generation) that will forever call the second movement from Dvorak's 'Symphony No 9 (From The New World)' - "The Hovis Music".

Instant devaluation of culture.
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 0:02, 6 replies)

there's a word for when a girl ties her shoelace to you and follows you around...
... its stalker.
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 17 Apr 2010, 22:30, Reply)