Moths...
Few years back I was having a wonderful time out in the garden relaxing after a BBQ and a few beers and I spied this moth fluttering around the embers of what once was a tree...Went back to relaxing eyes closed laying back on a lounger...Opened my eyes and the moth was directly infront of me before I could even shut my eyes that bastard of satan flew into my eye..!! Now let me tell you it fucking hurts, and it wasn't even a little moth it a was a big shit of a thing...urrghhh..!!

Well this little incident has now lead to me having a slight fright of them and running and hiding behind the nearest person when ever they are around...

...that is all...adios y buenos dias..!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 19:46, Reply)

Bit of an admission here
My parents are naturists. And therefore before little Smurf was old enough to stay at home on his own, he was an unwilling naturist as well, running around in the buff in a countryside naturist club.

This club has over 500 members (snigger) and with that many naked people running around surrounded by nature, animal related accidents were bound to happen.

Most of the stories have been related on here already; bee stings to the cock, mosquito bites on the foo foo, wasp stings on the nipple etc etc.

But by far the best happened to an old boy called Alf. Most of the naturists had little camping areas at the club. I'm not talking a two man tent, I'm talking semi-permanent giant tents with a little bbq area and a little front lawn.

Alf was mowing his little bit of lawn one early evening, in the nude of course, when he had a little accident. He wasn't wearing shoes. Bye bye big toe. Lots of screams, hopping around and falling over. People came running, trying to render first aid.

Then someone remembered that if you saved the toe in a bag of ice, it might be re-attached! Unfortunately someone else lurking the bushes had a different idea. As quick as a flash Holly, the local fox, had shot out of the bushes, grabbed the toe and was gone.

To this day Alf still does not have a toe and I believe that Holly is still alive and well and is regularly tossed the odd chicken bone from the bbq. She doesn't appear to have developed the taste of human flesh thankfully.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 19:31, 1 reply)

Has this QOTW jynxed the world or something?
Todays news:

Rockweiler only accidently mauled a baby:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/leicestershire/7372766.stm

And a woman was trampled by a stampeed of cattle:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/suffolk/7372562.stm


Nature is fighting back!
(Miggyman, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 16:09, 8 replies)

Marginally on topic
Not so much animals attacking, as attacking them myself.

Apparently, if you get one of these old ultrasonic telly remotes from the Jurassic era 1980s, and press the buttons when there are moths fluttering around your outside light, they all drop down to the ground. It's supposed to be a defence mechanism against being eaten by bats.

I've always wanted to try this, but haven't yet been able to source an ultrasonic remote control and can't be arsed going to the trouble of building an ultrasonic generator to try out something that may actually be an urban legend.

So, does anyone know if this is true. And has anyone tried it? And does it work - because it would be great fun if it did!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 15:33, 66 replies)

bobbies helmet
When I was a wee spikeypickle, still living with my parents and being all of 13years old, I sat playing on my old Amstrad CPC6128 (which I still have and still use). Twas summertime and the sun was shining. I had a chest at the end of my bed on which my trusty Amstrad did reside. Being summer I was wearing shorts. They were long, baggy and made of a shell suit type material (not that that is relevant but nevermind)

A little tickle was felt on my bobbies which I gave a little rub over the material. The little tickle turned into intense pain. Shooting up and dropping my shorts revealed a little wasp staring up at me with its evil little waspy eyes. The little bastard had somehow got in my shorts, decided my bobbies helmet was a pretty colour and gone to investigate. My rubbing had obviously got it so excited that it stung me......right on my tip and just to the side of my japs eye.

I cried.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 15:24, 4 replies)

Another story that is not mine.
Mr Maladicta, unlike me, grew up with dogs, namely his Alsatian, Prince, and as a result he has a lifelong love of German Shepherds (one of my favourite pastimes is finding videos of puppies on YouTube just to watch him go all soppy over them).

Anyway. I should carry on to say that while Prince loved his owners very much and was very docile in their presence, he didn't much care for people unless they'd been 'introduced' to him properly. One of the people who hadn't been introduced to Prince was the postman, who ended up doing several laps of the rosebush one day, being chased by an angry Alsatian, before he realised the best course of action was to throw the mail down and run.
( Maladicta, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 14:55, Reply)

Not destined for the table.
Whilst walking along the clifftop fields near Durdle Dor in Dorset I came across a sheep laying on it's side and shaking slightly. I tried to coax it up but it didn't really respond so I put my arms around it and tried to lift it up, which it got annoyed with and tried to bite me. It felt wet and strange underneath and when I'd managed to yank it to its feet realised that its underside was rotting away and it's intestines were hanging out swarming with maggots. My hands had gone through its flesh into its organs which promptly spilled out and the sheep died on the spot.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 14:25, 16 replies)

more mozzy stories
yes - Mosquitos from china.

When i was there, we had a weapon of defense - should we see one flying around the apartment, we had a Electric Tennis racket. I have yet to see these over here but are an ace idea.

Instead of the strings being nylon (or whatever they are) they are wire. And connected to batterys which charge up and upon contact with insect - spark it to death...

Trust me this is so much more fun than normal tennis, the flash that comes off is equal to that you see when a fly runs into those Blue lights you see at restaurants.

This is also good fun - when drunk to touch people and give them a good crack on the hand, thigh, foot or arse.

Additional to this we had - what i thought a plug in mosquito repelent. We shared this amongst our selves - as when someone was on night shift we would pas it to them to use, they would plug it in then hand it back that night.

This worked really well for 4-5 weeks, and kept all the mosquitos away.

Until one day. I was using it, there was a high pitched two tone dinging noise coming from it...
i unplugged it and moved into another room, and went back to bed. Only for it to repeatidly go off again... It must need a refill i thought...

it later became apparant that it was infact a wireless doorbell. My friend was locked out for 4 hrs...

good times..
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 14:04, 7 replies)

On The Grounds
That I'm slightly pissed I'll tell you about the "waay-haay" crabs.

I don't know what their real name is so I christened them the "waay-haay" crabs.

I was on holiday in Barbados when I discovered them. I was wandering along the beach and the tide was coming in. And I noticed a big rock, about ten meters out, that was absolutely covered in wee crabs. As the tide rose higher, teh crabs retreated (I mean crabs scared of water! Who'd a thought it?) until there was no more room at the top of the rock. And so they had to do something. Fast.

So the first little bugger sidled down the rock after a retreating wave, gathered it's little legs together and then WAY-HAAAY!!! Jumped about three feet to the next rock. Then, as if a dam had burst, all of his mates followed....

Up until then I didn't know crabs *could* jump. So, after that, I made it a point to try and catch the rising of the tide to watch the "waay-haay" crabs....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 13:50, 4 replies)

Playtime
Most cats I've lived with tend to have a 'mad half-hour' around 11pm when they start racing round the house like loonies and attacking each other. This is fine. However, one night Mr and Mrs Flatfrog had turned in early and just settled into nice deep sleep when Mrs F was woken by a cat jumping onto her face, using it as a trampoline, and springing off again. To get extra purchase, the claws were fully extended. And the precise point of contact was her left eye.

Not the nicest way to wake up. She was sliced into right through the eyelid; all but the under-layer of skin. Miraculously, the eyeball itself was unscratched.

The cat was completely unaware she'd done anything wrong. She's just damn lucky she's so cute.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 13:29, 1 reply)

Bugger...
.
Bit of a back story here. Me and the Mrs have recently become the proud owner of a shiny new kitten. Called Meep ('cos that's what she said when I asked her her name...)


Anyway.I've been waiting all week for one special moment. The moment when Mrs Legless was home and Meep did her "attack Legless in a cute and endearing way". Then the Mrs was going to take a pic and I'd post it up here. Would have been a sure-fire vote getter. B3tans are suckers for cute pictures of cats.

But it isn't to be as Mrs Legless has been rushed to hospital to have an emergency op. Going yellow tended to freak out her colleagues. So I've spent the day, bricking it, in case something went wrong. They don't call hospitals "The Dying Place" for nothing you know.

But all turned out well. A few quick slashes by a surgeon, dig around with pointy metal hook and drag out offending organ, cut the bastard into tiny bits and the job's a good 'un. She now weighs slightly less by about the weight of a gall bladder.

Next fight is to try and stop her going straight back to work.

Oh - and the cute attack my cat makes? It stands on the back of the couch, puts it's paw on my head and then starts to chew the top of my skull. I was going to post it up with the caption "BRAINZZZZ"

Cheers all

and a special thanks to the guy upstairs who made sure nothing went wrong during the op. I owe you one. I'll sacrifice a virgin when I can but they're a bit thin on the ground here in Melbourne...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 13:22, 19 replies)

I might be an animal soon
I've just been on my dinner break in the company staff room when the HR woman burst into the room and decided to give us a lecture on the state of the room. This consisted of her sreeching "you're all pigs" and pointing at me and a number of other workmates in a strange spazzy way.

My guess is that she's seen the film Willow too many times and thinks the scene where the evil queen turns the human army into pigs can be done in the real world.

If this works and I am turned into a pig then I will attack the stupid tart from HR, making this post appropriate for the QOTW.

In the meantime I'll just walk around the office yelling "Madmartigan!" in a goat voice.



EDIT: Still no magical transformation as yet, but have sent an email to HR biatch requesting a keyboard for my PC that's trotter friendly (just in case).
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 13:16, 3 replies)

del preston and the tiger
So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweets shop on the edge of town. So - we go. And - it's closed.

So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweets shop, eh. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger.

I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopowner and his son... that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business, really. But, sure enough, I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.


True story....
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 13:16, 5 replies)

My mates a postman
Guess what animal attacked him and guess where he was bitten.

I laughed so much when I found out.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 12:53, 137 replies)

Pillow Present
"I once was rudely awakened
by my dog, a little pappillon, squatting on my chest and merrily pissing all over me and my bedsheets.

I am still unable to recreate the noise I made as the full horror of the situation became apparent."

I feel your pain but so much worse. Once when my dog was just a pup I let her come in and sleep on the bed since the missus was away for the weekend - nothing kinky, just a bit of campany you understand. I woke up to find her on my pillow, rolled over to say hi and felt something wet on my cheek.

She'd done a shit right there on the pillow and I got a faceful of it. There's nothing worse than having to change your bedclothes and wipe shit off your face at 4 in the morning. Didn't have the heart or energy to give her a bollocking, thankfully she never repeated the act.
(pumpkinbug, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 12:49, 1 reply)

Satan the donkey
Not me, thankfully, but we still take the piss even now.

Years ago, my mates used to spend Whitby Goth Weekend at the local campsite, just behind the Abbey. Getting to it involved walking up the 199 steps, pissed as farts.

One night, he had a pizza, and was staggering up the steps. He got to the top and in the field next to the graveyard, there were some donkeys. One took a massive interest in him, grabbed the sleeve of his leather jacket and pulled his arm over the wall, he then grabbed the pizza and buggered off.

He still won't get too close to the wall and this was a good 8 years ago....
(Beklet is inexplicably angry, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 12:10, 1 reply)

Cobra
I remember when i was in China a few years ago. We were staying in Hangzhou. Hangzhou is famous for its Lake - 'West Lake’ to be exact. The lake is huge (about 2 miles across), and has two islands on them. Each island about the size of a football pitch.

One day we were on a day out, we were one of these islands happily admiring the view of the lake. When all of a sudden there was a commotion about 10ft away in the middle of the foot path. A crowd grew, encircling it.

We walked over to see what was going on. We were shocked to find in the middle was a 10ft King Cobra, sitting up., fanning its neck, hissing, and ready for a strike.

The Chinese tourists simply stood back in awe, not worrying to run away. Then out of the bushes another Chinese guy came running over with a bag, picked him up and threw him in, then everyone clapped.

Now, what was strange about this, is the island was at least 400m away from the shore (like i said the lake is massive) - how the hell did it end up on the island?

Chances are that snake made a nice Hot Pot that night.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 12:01, 6 replies)

they call me 'snake-charmer'
in my neighborhood. one time me and a couple of kids caught a garden snake in our backyards. it didn't
really like captivity and tried repetitively to bite anyone who got close. Then a friend had a brilliant
idea to quote "play it a tune on a flute so we can calm it down." I stupidly agree to try it, and 5 minutes later I was ready to play it a tune.
as I began to play it instantly perked up to the sound and...
bit me not two inches away from my snake, to which i reacted by flailing around helplessly. None of my friends bothered to help me since the were to busy
laughing their ass off.
4 years later and they still haven't let that one go, that and 'the flash'(trust me its not what you think),but thats another story for another topic.
(Rated Arrr for pirates and nudity, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 11:36, 4 replies)

My friends cat Dora
is so luvly, you can play with her using your hand and she will never claw you no matter how excited she gets.

early morning unconcious feet twitching is a completly different matter though.....
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 11:17, 1 reply)

This isn't on topic
and I will delete it if asked.

But, can we please stop the race for first post?
I just re-read the first few pages of this question and realised I'd missed some really good stories, because people had saved themselves a spot, only to post their story later.

So, please, I'm asking nicely, only post when you've got something to say, that way you'll get all the clicks that your very well written posts actually deserve.

*Edit* I guess it's my own fault really, if I wasn't so lazy I'd have read through them all again earlier. Meh.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 11:06, 18 replies)

Further to Humpty's seagull story the other day
The building in which I work has some areas of flat roof, and we frequently get seagulls nesting up there. A few years ago, one of the chicks, still in its fluffy grey not-able-to-fly stage tried to fly anyway, and failed miserably, ending up in the garden below.

It was unhurt, but it couldn't get back up on the roof again, so it spent the next three weeks wandering around the lawn, being attended to by its mum.

We named it George (think about it) and we used to watch every day as Mrs Gull came down and fed him his regurgitated fish or whatever the catch of the day was. But if anyone went near George when he was on the ground, his mum would swoop down and dive bomb the intruder.

Made for quite good viewing from our first floor office window!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 10:49, 2 replies)

Attacking my nose
We've got an animal that's died under the floor on my office.

The smell is absolutely terrible, I walked in this morning and was sick :(

Stupid animals dying. Be better when we replace them all with robots.
( Cawl, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 10:38, 3 replies)

Any excuse
My sister got bitten on her right(puppy fat)boob by a clearly deranged Shetland pony when she was 10 and to this day blames this for the fact that she never got beyond a 32B cup.....
(Antizan Doling out the happy pills...., Tue 29 Apr 2008, 10:05, 2 replies)

pervet poodle
As I have mentioned previously (see post: floodlit shit part deux) mrs spimf used to have a nancy looking little toy poodle - to be fair the little fucker was as hard as nails and would have the hand off you at any opportunity but he was according to mrs spimf 'her little prince'. He only ever ate grilled chicken breast; pan-fried liver (with a little dash of red wine naturally) or chocolate. He would walk on paths to avoid wet grass and would NEVER step in a puddle.

For the first seven years or so the 'little prince' had the then Miss Spimf all to his little fluffy self. Then i came on the scene. i was at best 'tolerated' by the yappy little fucker. If Mrs Spimf was asleep he would not let me anywhere near her - if i even so as much walked by her if she had nodded off on the sofa he could leap from apparent dozing to waist height level to bite my hand. in one rapid manoeuvre - like a little french ninja.

we also stood aghast one day watching him go into the laundry basket - rummage around for some of my underwear, pull it out then piss on it.

the final insult though was one fine day Mrs Spimf and i were sharing a moment of tender lurve, all was progressing swimmingly Mrs Spimf writhing and panting away like some Mills & Boon heroine when suddenly and much to her shock I went rigid, bolt upright (no not that, that was already perfectly tumescent thank you) but you would have thought i had just been tasered.

"My God what’s wrong Spimf, are you ok"

Little bastard had only crept up onto the bed and stuck his cold wet little nose right up my arse.

He's buried under my back lawn now, natural causes like ; D
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 10:01, Reply)

He didn't attack, but he should have.
I have a friend called Tessa, she bought herself a cute little kitten, and asked me for suggestions as to what to call it, so I said Tickles.

She didn't listen though, she called him Jeremy.
What a fucking stupid name for a cat.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 9:37, 57 replies)

the inconsistency of women
She thought it was really sexy when I said 'I want to fuck you like an animal', but then she freaked out when I'd barely even touched her leg, leg alone humped it.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 9:26, 1 reply)

When (imaginary) animals (almost) attack!
news.scotsman.com/latestnews/Drunk-thought-binbag-in-sitting.3656942.jp

Typical Edinburgh behaviour, in case you're all curious!
(Codmouth, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 9:13, 1 reply)