Slip of the tongue?
Picture the scene: It's New Years Eve, and the girl who's party we were meant to be going to didn't let us in, so we spent it wandering around town getting drunk on a few Smirnoff Ices we'd brought with us (Yes, it was spectacularly shit).

A couple of us are considering going to a restaurant, and my mate is explaining this to a girl who is rather large, rather ugly, and rather obnoxious (and once gave someone a blowjob while they were unconscious, but that's another story).

She: "Oh, I can't go to a restaurant, because I'm..."

Me, interrupting: "FAT!"

I didn't think she'd heard me, but she got upset, and told all the girls there (including the one I was trying to get off with) what I'd said. My mates heard what I'd said, and pissed themselves laughing. She left pretty soon afterwards. My mates were all bloody thankful... she's horrible.
( Detrius521, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:35, Reply)

I was sitting in clinic
...doing the med student thing of sitting around, looking attentive. This was until the consultant, who was having some problems with his computer, then just said to me,

'....oh, computers are just like women aren't they - they never work... just like my wife really, don't you think?'

Myself, being the token female, having not had a particularly good day, decided against every fibre, to answer back...

'Actually, no. I have to disagree with you there - I think they're more like men.'

'Really?' says he, looking patronisingly over his glasses, 'How so...?'

'Well,' say I, 'For a start, when you remove the packaging, you are always disappointed by what lies beneath. And then, despite the number of upgrades, patches etc. - it never seems to work quite right. And then, just to rub salt into the wound, a week later, you walk past the shop you bought your initial model from to only find a newer, nicer, faster, more reliable and better looking model has just come onto the market.'

Cue gaping mouth and shocked expression from said misogynistic arse.

Despite this outburst, I still passed that particular clinical firm. I do however maintain that it was due to the fact that he rather liked breasts.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:27, Reply)

A couple from my days at Woolworths
I had a woman come up to me whilst I was busying myself on the shop floor, conversation went thus:

Woman: Where would I find make up bags?
Me: Probably Boots.

She then left without another word.

There was also a woman working there who had servere Hypochondria, everyday whoever was unlucky enough to be on lunch at the same time as her was subjected to upto an hour of complaints about her health. Anyway, one day I was running late (not for the first time) and as I burst through the door of the downstairs office to sign in I was met by the manager and this woman, before the manager could say anything she made a comment about me being late again to which I replied "Well I would stop to ask how you are but I haven't got time."

I could still here the manager laughing as I went up the stairs, and from what I've heard he couldn't work for a few minutes after cos he kept cracking up.
(Former Woolies worker (pity me), Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:25, Reply)

Bad Hair Day
I'm having a bad hair day. To give you an idea, it's been described as a "cross between a monk and a Beatle". Bearing in mind I live in deepest, darkest Chavland (i.e. Essex), it is a crime for my hair to have no gel in it, and to be down rather than spiked up. Today's retorts have included...

(What did you do to your hair?)Were you born with that face, or did you have some sort of horrible accident?

(That looks shit)I may have shit hair, but you're ugly/fat, and my hair will be different tomorrow.

(Whoops, I didn't recognise you. You seem to have gone back in time to the Sixties)At least I have hair (to a balding teacher).

(Heehee, you look so gay [isn't that an original insult?])To a girl mate... Just coz you have one, doesn't mean you have to act like one. She laughed and hit me.

(That looks so terrible) To one of my not so good looking mates - Look, Moss, you have a receding hairline and you're only 16. That's not good. On top of that, what hair you do have is virtually non-existent, being incredibly thin, and you can never do anything with it. You cunt.

I would have carried on, but he was already shocked into silence.

(What happened to your hair?) What happened to your face, fuckface?


Yes, I was inspired by many of the posts on here.
( Detrius521, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:09, Reply)

Smarmy cunt~
Andy: "unlike you, i've got charm, I've got charm coming out my arse mate"
kittenbot: with the rest of the shit...
(kittenbot will be Scotland's greatest Ochazuke chef!, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:01, Reply)

Snotty customer
Long, long time ago, after getting the strop because I wouldn't break the sealed packaging on a HP calculator so he could read the manual.

bowdie : (as customer makes for the door) "Cheers now"

custie : "Stick it up yer arse son."

Bowdie : (in a flat monotone) "You'd like that, wouldn't you sir?"
( bowdie, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:59, Reply)

Well, when I was in sixth grade
There was a boy who teased me every day. He usually got to me when he insulted my hair, my face, or my teeth. One day he started in on my then-absent breasts, and he said I was flatter than a board. I smiled and said, "I don't care." His mouth fell open, and he tried to explain to me why I SHOULD care, but it didn't work. He walked away, stuttering and shaking his head. The joke's on him now, I filled out pretty nicely a few years later.
(Shannon623, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:52, Reply)

Not a comeback as such...
Getting battered in a bar in the altstadt and a gypsy comes up selling her wares.
"Whassat den?"
"It's lucky heather - it will bring you luck"
"Can't be that fucking lucky, you've got shitloads and you're spending your Saturday nights trying to sell it down the pub"
(bomba, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:23, Reply)

My Dad
(not a retort in itself, btw) Anyhoo, my pa once told me of a conversation at his place of work which went like this:

Fireman 1 (oh yeah, my dad's a fireman): I won't be in tomorrow, boss, I'm going to a funeral.
Fireman 2: I'm sorry. Family was it?
Fireman 1: No, a friend.
Fireman 3 (thinking he was funny): I thought you didn't have any friends.
Fireman 1: I don't now.

Apparently it was done without thinking, and really embarrassed fireman 3, but now I type it, it seems apocryphal, really. Forget I mentioned it.
(Woppa, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:20, Reply)

Not mine but a classic
From South Park:
"Present them!"
(cheeseygoatboy, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:19, Reply)

Utterly Speechless
This actually happened to me.

After a particularly, and I mean REALLY heavy night out in London I was sitting on a seat at Waterloo Station when I was approached by a tramp asking for money. After ignoring him the first 2 times when he came back again I said "look mate, I've been on the piss for 24 hours, I've got seven quid in my pocket, which isn't enough to get home. Will you just fuck off!" To which he replied "carry on like that and you'll end up like me" and walked off!
(Joons, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:18, Reply)

Sausages and chav
Talking with friends today we were discussing my mate who was rumoured to have done the dirty with this 5th year girl. she had a little bit of a reputation, so naturally we poked fun at him.
Mate1-"we heard she said you were small but quick."
me- "Like a stoat"
Him- "at least I've done it"

I quickly followed up with "doing her is the equivalent of throwing a sausage down a corridor"
Stunned silence.

This next one requires a bit of explanation so bear with me.

In my town there are two schools. One for the Chavs, and one for the Civil folk. For entertainment the chavs freqeuntly heckle those who wear my school uniform.

Walking along my street, two of them noticed me behind them and slowed down so they could annoy me up close. Using the Chav's favourite "are you gay?" "Suck my dick fag" etc

I got fed up and turned to them, shouted at the top of my lungs "YES, YES I AM" and ran away.

Okay, maybe that wasn't the best comeback. But they havent bothered me since.

BTW, Redhotchiligal is the hotness rrrrrrr :D
(istoleapig, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:17, Reply)

My comeback
Doctor j:
You talkin' to someone else too, you whore?

Me:
...I'll be a msn slut if I wanna and you can't stop me!
(cheeseygoatboy, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:16, Reply)

Just remembered....
My 3 year old son shouts "Biggy Ass" at anyone who annoys him.
( Misterk1973 been a hanging around these here parts since, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:13, Reply)

Mr Repoirtee
"Oi, clown. Fuck Off"

Why is out only blokes get this joke?
( Misterk1973 been a hanging around these here parts since, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 19:07, Reply)

Well it's not really mine
but on Friends the other week Chandler said something sarcastic and Rachel said "Yeah, Whatever"!!!111!!! Fuck me I dropped my chips and rolled on the floor pissing myself for 10 minutes....
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:59, Reply)

One for bible-bashers
Having been hassled by these on a number of occasions, my reply "he's your god, they're your rules, YOU burn in hell" has the desired effect of making them go away.
(Chuckman, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:47, Reply)

Nicked from the film I.D.
"When I 'ave kids I'm gonna teach 'em to come round 'ere and fuckin' eat yours!"

Pure Class
(Joons, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:43, Reply)

I was out in Bromsgrove (horrible, horrible place - don't go there)
and verbally acosted by some pram-faced, fat, ugly munter regarding my sunglasses.

I looked round, told her she was fat and ugly and then reminded her that I could take my shades off.
( whelkboy is old now, you see, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:42, Reply)

A couple of my faves over the years
When this noob was giving me grief, I told him to "choke on his dad's cock" which shut him up.

I've alwyays been slightly overweight and people have pointed this out with comments such as "chubby" or "fatty". The response of "every time I fucked your mum she gave me cake, especially chocolate cake" cured this problem.
(Chuckman, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:38, Reply)

'Your Mum'
Maby not a comeback in the same sence but ahh well...

This time last year on my bday, i got £10 off my friends mum. wen we got back to wer we was staying i had the money in my hand and she asked where i got it, *as the your mum thing was going around at the time she thought it was a joke* as i sed 'your mum', she just lafed at me n asked where i got it from again, i replied again, your mum...

This went of for about 10 mins and she relised in the end, rang up her friend and spent another 20 mins laughing about it.
(Dark-Angel, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:31, Reply)

An angry street preacher
once pointed at me as I walked past, he was in mid flow, and practically screamed at me-
"And you Sir! You're not going to inherit the earth!"
I replied, "Well I'll speak to my Solicitor."
My mates and some other passers by wet themselves.
(Just recline and let me service you, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:30, Reply)

Fart
When someone says "urgh, have you farted?" Turn round and say "no, your nose is too close to your arse"

OR

When you say "urgh have you farted?" And they reply "no" you say "what, never?"
(Joons, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:25, Reply)

When I was about 16 and
working at Argos, the moronic supervisor once said, "Honestly, words defy me", to which I replied, "That's because you're stupid".


He tried to sack me, after that :-)
(onlyregisteredforthecomebacksbit, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:19, Reply)

OK
A bloke at work said he didnt want to work on one of our projects. I replied "We all have to do things we don't like. I mean, I'm here, talikng to you."
( Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 18:06, Reply)

Best one I ever managed....
At school. One kid in the class had to arrange some sort of meeting with the teacher and is talking quietly with him at the front of the class.

As he walks back, the teacher calls after him
"What was it your parents wanted, John?"

To which I loudly interuppted with

"a girl."

Still super proud of that one.
(inflateable, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:47, Reply)

stolen off the telly
first one taken from The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer... can be said to anything pretty much "yeah, well, at least im not attractive". usually best applied to something completly unrelated.

the second is stolen from that weekend classic 'This Morning with Richard NOT Judy' which has to be said with as much sarcasm humanly possible "well.. you can prove anything with facts", best used when someones spouting a load of cack at you.
(steels, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:45, Reply)

Not exactly a verbal retort but...
Me and some mates were watching Space play at the Leadmill (world famous? Probably not) and the dark haired one dodged a bottle and said "If your gonna throw bottles, make sure you hit me" ... And here's the retort ... Another bottle flew out of the crowd and hit him on the head - how's about that for a come back.

They played one more tune and left - which wasn't a huge let down because it was a 5 band gig.
(Rabbers, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:42, Reply)