chuckie
he was my "uncle" many moons ago he was semi adopted by my grandparents as his mother committed suicide, when i was wee I thought he was fab, just a lad but with a weakness for the booze. he ended up in my grannys house on his own after she died and my dad found he was selling the furniture for booze and was going to get evicted for not paying the rent. my folks paid it and i donated my pocket money. i was about 9 or 10. never heard from him again till i was 15 when he turned up at my folks house wanting to see me, unfortunatelt he was p*ssed. i was out . i wish i'd been in. he heard later he's died, dunno if it was sideaways or the drink. i think of him often
(montyzuma, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 17:02, Reply)

Auntie Kitty
Because she's a slag.
(Keiths Dad, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 14:56, Reply)

My Aunt Winnie
looks the spitting image of an afro-caribbean Meryl Streep... oh... hang on... sheep...
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 14:29, Reply)

This is quite a depressing QOTW
Mines not so bad.

I'm the black sheep of the family as i am the only member to actually volunteer to join the army.

My grandparents were conscripted and one of them was always in jail due to legging it and never returning after leave.

My dad dident go in because they stoped conscription by then.
( Gaz, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 14:23, Reply)

that would be my wing of the family then
On my dad's side, many, many successful accountants.
On my mum's side, lawyers, doctors, advertising execs, marketing execs for moleste corporations, accountants, managing directors...etc..

Me and my bru. I quit film and events a year ago and currently work a stupendously depressing and sould destroying job in a shop until I work out the next move, and bru is twiddling thumbs continuously.

I genuinely think we exist only to be pointed and laughed at.

This really is a depressing QOTW...
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 12:54, Reply)

My Cousin
Who's inside for rape & murder
(ricky_darkholer is blonde on the inside, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 10:47, Reply)

Uncle Bri
His most famous moment was doing the following gag on my first ever, very sensitive girlfriend. We were 16.

"Hello luv. I'll tell you a joke so funny it'll make your tits fall off.

(extended comedy pause staring at her tits)

Oh you've heard it!"

Actually I do speak to him, but not that often. Also in his apocrypha is a story where a monkey throws a poo at him in London zoo. Never to be outdone, he shits in an ice cream pot and lobs one right back at the monkey. But that might be lies.
(Dannyo, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 9:29, Reply)

ba ba black sheep have you any wool
For the longest time, I thought my Aunt was the black sheep. We rarely talked with her, saw her about once a year at absolute most, NEVER saw her adult sons- at one point I actually forgot she existed, I hadn't seen her in so long. There was supposedly an arguement about inheritance when my Grandpa died, but because I was eight or so at the time, I never knew the details.

Anyway, she, her husband and my cousins came over and we had a delightful time, everything was peachy. Much promises of "Let's do this again soon!" were made, so I guess she isn't any more.

My cousin on the OTHER side, however, is definetly the black sheep. Arrested as a teenager for drug possession, stole from his parents, ran away from home, was found again, went into pentecostal seminary, declared himself to be more pious than pie, dropped out, swore a blue streak at my Grandma when she wouldn't give him money, and has now disappeared, still owing money to my uncle. Nice guy.
(dragonrose, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 6:19, Reply)

Furtive, I will get you all the penguins in the world if you take this man away.
My dad, after years and years of not attending his children's birthdays, events, etc, cheating on my mom (who helped take care of his ailing mother) and two decades of treating me like a verbal punching bag, left just over a year ago, and is still convinced that he is the victim.

Since leaving my mom he has spent time on and off harassing me. Sometimes he would call five times a day while I was at class or work, leaving angry messages berating me for not answering.

He telephoned screaming like a madman because he didn't like the Father's Day card I sent him, and then called it "disgusting" when I didn't send him a birthday card.

He's now planning to marry his mistress, whom in the past he has called a "Jewish American princess" and a "dog." Nice, huh?
(ladycat, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 4:18, Reply)

Not much...
My auntie on my mum's side is a bit wonky. Since about 1985 she decided to no longer be a Jew, and joined a tribe of Native Americans. 1983 she had a child out of wedlock, which to my grandpa(so I've been told) was the worst sin posible. Went on to live in a upper class nieghborhood she couldn't afford because she was a single parent, just to be part of the South California life style. Instead of moving so her daughter has a decent childhood, she scrimps on food and clothes. We have lost contact with her.

My uncle is slightly off as well. He was divorced when his daughter was 4, he was 37, then he moved back into his mum's house. When Mary Anne was 8 she moved to Arkensas with her mum. She (age 15) was molested by her wife-abusing, hardcore religous step-dad. Thats's really all the weird people in my family, but it's still a bit off.
(The If has remembered this site., Mon 17 Jan 2005, 3:49, Reply)

Think I might be.
I've been looked quite poorly on by my family since last christmas. I have a dark sense of humor which was proved when i bought my younger brother who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder a set of "day of the week" socks then a month or so later took away the friday socks. I don't think my mum will ever forgive me for the day of fun she had trying to convince my brother that he can wear Saturday socks on a Friday.
( cooler_king That's no moon!, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 2:43, Reply)

black sheep, eh?
funnily enough, i actually have chris farley's corpse in my living room...

we use it as a bean bag.
(ru-fi-OH!, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 1:36, Reply)

Cant leave anyone out!
The whole kit and caboodle deserves this title!!
So.. Family reunions were more like family orgies. Have heard and seen some "interesting" stuff, wife swapping, cousin kissing, uncle petas.. the whole sha bang. Needless to say.. I developed a good size rift between that part of my family.. Now living as south as you can get in the US on an island (with a relentless video game addiction) They were the wobbley type any how. Snort
(blahism, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 22:49, Reply)

The Brother from hell
An ex-pat who became a muslim to marry a call girl, inherited 3 children from her by 3 different fathers and has one child from a previous call girl marriage and has had 2 kids with the new wife. They live in the middle east. In 1997 I stupidly enquired into a visit to stay with him and his socially inept dysfuncional family to go scuba diving in the red sea. Apart from the rigourous visa routine and what I was dictated to wear, I was assured by him that I would have to change on the beach in black bin liners, take a waterproof passport holder as the religous police inspect underwater and finally my mask would be blacked out because as a woman I wasn't allowed to see the flora and fauna - and anyway, what the fuck, if I had an underwater camera I could take pics and show my mates back home how beautiful it was out there. I had a big sense of humour failure and he and his horrible kids are not welcome in my house any more. Pity, coz I quite liked the second wife.
The obvious immediate question is : does she still work ? Cos the last one did. Ha ha !!!

Stupid c*nt
( Tiggy the diver, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 20:51, Reply)

My Grandads Wife
Yes her again. Not my Grandmother, but the woman my grandad married after my grandma passed away.

I seriously hate this stupid bitch. The one time i have seen her since the events below i told her to "fuck off out of our lives", at which time i was a well mannered 15 year old.

Anyway, why she is the black sheep (though black walrus or something seems more fitting).

She married my grandad, she always seemed a bit dopey, but she seemed ok.
After spending all my grandads savings (used to run his own business) on trips around the world which she would book for them both without consulting him, and by buying "antiques" (shit stuff off ebay). Or by buying a dog so fucking big, it scares the shit out of me (my grandad has the burden of looking after it now), it honestly looks like a bear, and eats like one too.
Anyway, after spending all this money, my grandfather went blind in one eye....or did he? Aparently the bitch said he was making it up for attention - despite doctors "claims".
Then a few weeks later, we get a phone call from her (note she phoned US first, not her own kids) to let us know that my grandfather (blind in one eye, has difficulty moving easily etc etc - the usual old man stuff) had beaten her up and disolcated her shoulder, and left her to die. My mother promptly told her to fuck off. When we phoned my grandad, it emerged she had phoned from her mobile, in the bathroom where she locked herself.
Next my grandad was accused of having an affair, then accused of stealing her money, then accused of being married to someone else.

Long story short, my grandad divorced her, after she took all his money, and ruined his older years of his life. He now lives in sheltered accomodation (wants independance, not to live wiht my family) looking after a dog-bear thing which he never wanted in the first place.

I really hope i never meet her again, god knows what will happen.

(Super fun happy qotw :p)
(Nyphur, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 20:05, Reply)

i think my brother deserves the prize
He started studying for a degree in 2001 for 3 years which my parents funded - paid for his lodging, food, drinks etc...

What they didn't know, and still don't to this day is that he got kicked off the course halfway through the first year.

They are still under the impression that he got a 2/1 in Law and can't work out why he hasn't managed to find a job yet.

He could at least have said he got a first.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 19:41, Reply)

Click
My brother is really the black sheep of society, not just my family. He drives an ice-cream van and plays the music when he's run out of ice cream, he wears headphones and wanks and we leave him cups of tea, and is constantly demanding for us to molest him and tell him where teh uplaod cod3z are.
( Detrius521, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 18:41, Reply)

TOG's
TOG's are Terry's Old Geezers (and Gals)... and I can't believe I just admitted to knowing that, I'm 18 for Gawds sake!
( demondethe, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 18:32, Reply)

WTF is a TOG?
Eh?
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 18:22, Reply)

black sheep
It should really be my sister since it came out last year that she had starred in some amateur hardcore videos..

However, it turns out to be me after getting caught by my GF wanking over them....
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 17:23, Reply)

Thank you Lord Monkey
Now, if you could just tell every chav I have evr worked with that liking Dr Who and Terry Wogan is a sign of great intelligence and taste.....

Ta.

EDIT: Actually djtrialprice is actually very nice to me about being a sad SF fan, and is quite fond of my ageing TOG of a fiance (whom I met at said TOG convention...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 16 Jan 2005, 17:20, Reply)

to djtrialprice
there's nothing wrong with meeting folks who like Terry Wogan, I am a TOG and am qquite comfortable with this, I've also been to multitudes of Doctor Who conventions, read the books and can't wait for the new series. I have tried so hard to be the black sheep of the family, but I'm too chilled out and get on with everyone of them (apart from my second cousin Ben, but he's a twattish Chav..we may share the same gene pool, but he got the shallow end!)I think that in a family of black sheep,I must be the white sheep!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sun 16 Jan 2005, 16:53, Reply)

My uncle is a right rum cove
As far as me and my immediate family is concerned he is devil spawn, but to my grandparents (his parents) he can do no wrong.

He openly cheated on his wife to the point of actually bringing both his wife and his mistress to family events. As a small child I found this very confusing ("why do I have two aunts?") and no-one could ever bring themselves to tell me my uncle was a philandering cad.

After seeing another woman for several years he finally found the balls to divorce my aunt (a lovely woman who will forever be my aunt even though she's not married to my uncle any more.) He built a house in the garden of his family home and moved in his new wife and her kids while his ex wife stayed in the family home. Nice.

Recently we found that he has a "long lost" daughter from another affair which he had in the 60s. My grandparents reaction to this was "oh, have you met her? Isn't she lovely?" See? He can do no wrong.

Not only that but he and his wife are out of the country most of the year leaving my parents to deal with my ailing grandparents. My mother, by the way, is also ill and doesn't need the stress.

Sorry, this QOTW isn't exactly a comedy goldmine, is it?
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Sad, but true...
I have a male relative who racked up massive debts here in the UK and then failed to come home after going on a business trip abroad. Having left his disabled wife to cope with the debts, he then asked for a divorce so he could marry a transgendered 'shemale'.

On the whole, about as popular as pork scratchings at a barmitzvah.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 13:32, Reply)

That'll be me then....
Been in college (and left) twice. Hold the record of first person to be kicked out of my sixth form (I was a good girl but easily distracted), managed to send gay porn to the entire school network as revenge on a mate who stole my bird, the usual drink and drugs stuff, and, most impressively, managed to come out as gay to my mother due to her phoning me whilst I was in bed with my girlfriend and have her request us to 'keep the bloody noise down'.

My great grandmother is a contender for the position however, having kept my grandma running round after her for years whilst constantly insulting her. My uncle keeps asking if she's dead yet.
(sporky, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 13:18, Reply)

Crazy Uncle G.
Uncle G. decided he wanted to reconect with nature by living off the land. latter he was found buy local authorities half starved, naked and chasing after a live eel which was the only food he had managed to catch during the entire experiment.
(rattus, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 12:41, Reply)

I seem to be the star. My brothers, on the other hand...
My older brother ended up being browbeaten by his first wife into becoming the bagman for a North Shore drug ring and offered up as the sacrificial "mastermind" when that group was busted: he was eventually given a probationary sentence brought about partially, I have always hoped, by my letter to the judge stating that my older brother is so very stupid he could hardly successfully pick his nose (true), much less mastermind a major drug operation. He is an essentially harmless person as long as you do not catch his attention, whereupon he will astonish you with his amazing ability to hold a long conversation without your ever saying a word. I guess being diagnosed as a hyper-manic helps in that regard. I avoid him simply because if I don't, he will start talking and never shut up.

My younger brother is the one to worry about: seven years ago he decided to write very detailed and threatening letters to all of the major old missionary family heads in Hawai'i and their immediate kin, which quickly earned him the ire of those who can very quickly turn paradise into hell with just a few pulled strings or dropped hints. This might have resulted in only a slight embarrassment to mom and myself but he could not stop there, oh no, not by a long shot. In addition to his threatening letters to the extended family were found several missives that directly threatened the life of Chelsea Clinton (yes, that one), thus ensuring that everyone within three branches of the family tree was visited by the men in black suits. Fortunately for me, my only visit took less than an hour but it definitely earned the punk my enmity, which worsened when I was called upon as the person closest to him (hah!) to make a special visit to his cell a couple of years ago for a new offense. After first being committed to an asylum during the trial during which he made a positive recovery with the use of copious quantities of lithium, he decided he no longer needed the chemical crutch and ditched the pills and whatever emotional stability they had lent him during that time. Shortly after that, he learned about a real estate controversy in San Diego centered around some historic bungalow and decided to torch the place as a way of resolving the issue externally. He failed. The next morning, when the camera crews were recording the damage, he returned and with cameras rolling attempted to set fire to the dwelling again. Climbing into his van he then attempted to drive over the reporter and camera crews. I have been notified the footage actually shows the cameraman and reporter dodging the oncoming van while still trying to record the situation: points for dedication to the job but demerits for being stupid cunts and not running for cover, you guys. While he seemed quite pleasant behind the armored glass panel there was a hint of not-quite-there behind the eyes. He seems to be in hiding now which is fine by me: if I never see him again that will be an ideal interval.

It is just a bit depressing to realize that despite having a decidedly sub-par life as far as my close relatives are concerned, I am still the shining star of the family because I have never been arrested or thrown into jail. But only a very little bit.
( Felis Concolor, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 11:21, Reply)

Lherkin...
...there are quite a few tricks of the trade to catch out these pseudo fitters. One is to wait until the fit has ended (they cannot posssibly regain full consciousness straight away) and then lift their hand/wrist over their face and drop it straight onto their nose. Their instinct will invariably be to to move their hand as it falls so as to not let their hand impact their nose = faker.
Another fave is to brush their eyelashes very gently with your fingertip - there should be no reaction whatsoever if they are truly in a post-fit ("post-ictal") stage.
There are some more ingenious and crueller tests I've heard of, including the theory demonstrated to me by a police officer that a truly unconscious person would feel no pain in his testicles. Funny that, as soon as they were grabbed the crim came around *very* quickly...

edit: Not advocating police violence - but this was an alleged kiddy-fiddler.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 8:24, Reply)

Also possibly worth mentioning my cousin...
... who did a three year law degree, which apparantly helped her land a fantastic position as the girlfriend of a rich 52 year old lawyer. She's about 24 I believe.



Smart girl.
(noom, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 4:56, Reply)

My stepmother
My dad had an affair, and ended up marrying the awful attention-seeking alleged "wifebeating victim" who, about a year later when my dad was starting to regret his decision, began to suffer with a string of conveniently undiagnosable syndromes, which means she now has to go round in a spaz chariot. The doctors are baffled and say they can't find anything wrong - we all think she's perfectly able to walk, but he is entirely taken in by this scamster. She frequently has some sort of fit (occurring only when she is not centre of attention). When visiting my grandfather on his deathbed, we were all gently speaking to him, when she deemed it necessary not only to throw a fit, but also to slide out of her wheelchair onto the floor right under his hospital bed. She did it again on the kitchen floor in front of the extended family at his funeral wake, at which point my uncle just stepped over her asking "More wine anyone?". Respect.
( Lherkin, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 0:51, Reply)