Fucksocks. Bitch.
I loved my wife with all my heart. So much so that I got a tatoo of a wedding photo of her on my left shoulder. It's a real work of art. Beautiful.

Then she left me.

Try getting a shag with a picture of your ex-wife staring right at your new partner.

Bollocks. Bitch. Still ruining my sex life a year after she left.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 9:32, Reply)

this takes so much back story it's probably not worth it.
When I was in college I lived in a fraternity. It was called Alpha Sig (short for Alpha Sigma Phi).

I am female. Alpha Sig wasn't officially a frat anymore, because many years earlier the member of Alpha Sig looked at one another and said, "Hey, you know what this frat needs? Chicks!"

And they went on happily being a fraternity, with membership in the National Greek Council and everything, and chicks, right up until the year they elected a woman to be president of the frat. And sent her to the National Council's annual meeting.

Somehow, the OTHER frat presidents though having girls in fraternities was a bad thing, and told Alpha Sig to stop pledging women or give up their charter. The charter went, but the fraternity traditions stayed on.

So, years later here I am as a new resident (not being an official frat anymore, the university put the house in the regular old housing lottery-- some people, like me, made it our first choice, but people who ended up their because of a bad draw were often most emphatically not pleased). And one of the great traditions of Alpha Sig-- I reveal it now because the university eventually got sick of A.S.'s antics and took away the house and gave it to a sorority-- the kind with only girls-- anyway, one tradition was that one or more new residents should kidnap the house president and do something TERRIBLE to him/her.

So a fellow newbie and I (the house had a significantly less attractive word than newbie for us) kidnapped the current president, dressed him up in a bustier, panthose and a miniskirt, eyeshadow, liner and lipstick, and took him out on the town. Note to handcuff wearers: if someone ties a rope to the chain in the middle and yanks, you will let them do *anything*. Off we go, with the other house members waiting to see what humiliations we heap on the poor bastard.

The way it relates to the QOTW is that, halfway to our destination city, I blurt out, "Hey, I know a good tattoo parlor there! Wouldn't it be hilarious if we all came back with Alpha Sig tattoos?"

You can guess what happened next.

I've never regretted it for a second though, I loved Alpha Sig and it turned out to be where I met the future Mr. Madrabbit, among many other fine memories.

And the poor bastard cross-dressed, tattooed house president? He's now a lawyer, my brother-in-law, and the father of my new nephew. Life's funny.

PS: The person who hated Alpha Sig the most? Condoleezza Rice. I'm not kidding.


( madrabbit is fully prepared, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 7:15, Reply)

if you think of a hilarious story for b3ta

and you're really excited and can't wait to post it, always take some time to make sure you're answering the right question.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 5:44, Reply)

My body
is a fantastic thing.... shouldn't be abused in anyway what so ever... EVER...

but i do abuse it and it shows :D

i have broken both my collar bones 3 times and now im pretty confidet they wont break again... but as a result of this they just outwards quite alot and whilst not a pain it is a bit unusual :O

also as like many ppl my hips protrude from my body somewhat (but not to a great extent) it shows and if i am ever leaning over a fence or what not i get this occasioanl grinding sound and searing pain.... it is not nice :D

ahh long live B3TA lots of love all

Damn how to get my name back??
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 3:42, Reply)

Second time I've posted this in QOTW
I suppose you could call it a rather violent body modification. I was having a rather loud argument with a mate of mine, and was getting more and more angry, so, fearing that it was about to take a violent turn on my part, I leave the room to avoid me doing something that would have ended up in us kicking the living shit out of each other, and storm off up the stairs. Except now I have the burning desire to punch something realy really hard.

Using the stairs as a run up, I sprint up them as fast as I can, then as I got to the top, delivered probably the hardest punch I have ever thrown straight at the nearest wall which was followed almost instantly by a loud sickening crunch sound.

I retreat to my room and sit on the bed, still totally furious, and wholly unaware of any pain in my hand, despite it obviously being broken rather badly. I look down at it after about 5 minutes or so and it has turned a rather deep shade of black, and has swollen to about the size of a lemon. The logical thing at this point in time would have been to go to hospital. But no.

I go back downstairs and drag said mate outside, with the intention of ending this argument one way or another. Luckily for me we both decided to take the more diplomatic route and scream at each other for a further 3 hours over just about every single thing that the other has done that pissed us off somehow.

Spleens thoroughly vented, we go back inside and play mariokart as though nothing has happened, at which point in time the pain really starts to hit me and I ask to be taken to hospital.

We got to A&E at about 3am, where it was X-rayed, and I was told that the bone was almost coming through the skin, and that punching walls is a really fucking stupid thing to do when you're pissed off, and that I wasn't going to do it again, was I Tom?. I got put in a cast for month, and had to wank with my left hand. Which was novel if nothing else.

When I got the cast taken off the nurse remarked how she had never seen a break that bad heal that quickly (4 weeks it took). I am Wolverine, motherfuckers.

The downside to all this, of course, was that I had to learn how to play guitar again, as my picking hand was shot to shit by means of unorthodox bone structure and a 4 week dystrophy that had set in whilst my cast was on. And I am now minus a knuckle on my right hand, where the bone that made the shape of it literally disintegrated. this also made punching in the various martial arts I do rather painful, and I've had to do a year's worth of conditioning to get back to a point where I can hit full strength, but I'm fully healed now, and I think it's actually harder than it used to be (which I discovered by punching a wall). So it wasn't all bad.

Anyway, here's the proof:



Notice the rather steep dip on my right hand in comparison to my left hand. Thats where the bone used to be. Now it's approximately 2 inches lower than it should be. Rock my freak hands.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 1:49, Reply)

Conkers
while skewering a conker i slipped, and the skewer went straight through the fat bit on my hand, the bit that the humb is attached to,
all was ok as there was no blood, it wasnt untill my friend decided to thread a piece of string through it that it starter to really hurt, then came the blows from the brown seeds.
Still Smarts to think of it.
(Fragrent Vagrant, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 0:31, Reply)

Bad luck
Not me, but a good friend of mine has terrible luck with her various body mods.

A bit of backstory, this friend, who we'll call M (not that she'd ever see this, but she's one of my best friends and I'm paranoid as hell), used to work as a piercer at a local piercing/tattoo parlor. As a result, she gets lovely discounts on whatever she wants. So she has plenty of piercings and tattoos, all professionally done, all for cheap. And free repairs for life, which is a good thing, as you'll see shortly.

M is also a bit of a risk-taker. She used to go to this place called "The Rock", which is just what it sounds like: a big rock overhanging some water. You jump off it, freefall for a while, and get wet. Great fun for anyone who doesn't have a crippling fear of heights (as I do). So she's there one day, jumps off the hightest point (I forget exactly how high up it is, some rediculous distance that would make me contemplate a parachute and a good insurance policy), and lands a bit off. Doesn't hit anything solid, but her new piercing, which is a spiral that involves a lot of cartilege and hasn't finished healing yet, gets yanked hard by the force of impact and tears almost completely out. Cue massive bleeding, loads of pain, and near-unconsciousness. She gets patched up, gets the piercing fixed somehow, and hasn't been back to the Rock since.

Then there was the lovely tattoo she got on the inside of her wrist. The word "fire" (she's a Leo, and rather into astrology) in a neat stylized font that reads the same one way as the other. While that was healing, it was bumped, prodded, scraped, and otherwise abused daily due to her friends not paying attention. I'm guilty as well, she actually kept score and I was, I think, in second place. But the girl in FIRST place, Randi (who's a lying, stealing, hypocritical dramawhore who doesn't deserve anonymity), did the most damage all at once. She got drunk, and M had to take care of her. So Randi, in a fit of drunken flailing, digs her nails into M's wrist and DRAGS. Cue more bleeding and a good strip of tattoo that's rather faded.

But the worst one happened on a camping trip. A bit more backstory, M, myself, and most of our friends are involved in Medieval/Renaissance reenactment, and at least affiliated with an organization called the SCA. Every summer, for about two weeks, the SCA holds an event in western Pennsylvania called Pennsic, which is basically an unholy (but fun) combination of ren faire, camping trip, and frat party. About fifteen thousand people each year come to this thing. You live in a tent, you're in costume and in character the whole time (though most people don't bother staying in character), and the only showers, unless the group you're camping with is rich, are the public solar showers, about a twenty minute hike from where we were camped. You get your own stall, so there's that much privacy, but there's always the little kids wandering away from their mothers and peeking around the curtains to say "hi". Adorable, but rather irritating. But I digress.

So M was in the shower, shaving her legs (for no reason I could fathom, we're CAMPING, and wearing ankle-length skirts or long baggy pants). She recently had a tattoo done on her ankle, a tribal-ish seahorse. The artist had a slightly heavy hand and put a bit too much ink in it, so it had a bit of texture. Not enough to be something to complain about, but still there. So she's shaving, and all of a sudden notices the floor of the shower turning red. She looks down, and sees that half of her tattoo has peeled off, and is lodged in the blades of her razor. She, admirably, doesn't scream or anything, instead she takes the flap of skin out of the razor, SLAPS IT ON THE WALL (she says it was "as a warning" or something. Odd girl.), and stumbles out to get her friends to help her to the chiurgeons (volunteer first aid). I wasn't there at the time, thankfully, as I don't do well with the sight of blood, unless it's my own. She gets back to camp a while later, we all see the huge bandage on her ankle (which is already starting to soak through), and everyone asks what happened. She promptly weaves a tale involving a cougar attack. I, of course, know that this is complete and utter BS (later verified when she told me the real story), but apparently our campmates aren't that bright. Cue everyone gasping and looking horrified and saying how brave she was and asking if they should call animal control or something. To this day, there are still those who believe she lost half her tattoo fighting a ravenous shower-cougar.


I only have two piercings, one in each ear. Insert length/girth joke.
(Morgan is a damn dirty hippie, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 23:45, Reply)

Not me but a chum...
went and got himself a Prince Albert. Under the rim of his bell-end and out of his Jap's eye. Fucking horrific. He wore panty liners for a fortnight following the procedure and his Mrs left him soonafter. Having said that, however, he is guaranteed plenty of shoulder room at the piss-trough because he now has a cock not unlike a garden sprinkler. Stupid cunt.
Length? Girth? Not much of either when it's bleeding like a stuck pig. My own winky is fucking lovely though.
(davemission Drinking too much for a change again as usual., Sat 2 Dec 2006, 23:35, Reply)

Since arriving in Switzerland
I have burnt myself three times on the same cooker (one huge one down my arm from a frying pan, one on the back of my knuckle from the element in the oven and one on my thumb from the element in the other oven). All on the same hand, which also bears the scars of a very pissed-off cat (RIP Pix) on my wrist. Which makes me look like an emo kid.
( Maladicta, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 22:51, Reply)

.
I had my first set of earrings pierced when I was about 11 months, the 'firey hot needley' way. Being of the Indian persuasion and a female child, this is traditional, and actually is easier than leaving it till later -the younger you are, the softer the flesh is, and the easier it is to get the needle through and to heal.
All fair and good.

My second set, however were ... different.
1) Went to a pro (read; stuck-up posh bint with ridiculous charges), had them pierced, they were wonky. Left ear up, Right ear down. I came out of the booth and the 'receptionist' was sniggering like a loon.
2) Took 'em out, waited for them to heal, went back
3) Had them pierced again.
4) They were wonky, again. 'cept this time, they were the other way round, Right ear up, Left ear down
5) Took 'em out, waited for them to heal, went back again
6) Had them pierced again.
7) Were just bearably wonky - you couldn't see the difference unless you looked close
8) Right ear fell out. The earring, I mean. The entire thing closed up within hours, and I couldn't get it back in however much I tried.
9) You can bloody well guess.
10) BOTH were wonky- one went in diagonally and began leaking yellow stuff, t'other was twice as high as I wanted it.
11) Ripped 'em both out, and in a fit of pique, grabbed a couple of saftey pins and shoved them in.
12) Spent the next two weeks with the sodding things in my ears. Ye gods, the looks I got...

Last I heard,the moronic twit had done a runner... turns out she'd lied about her qualifications... Eep.

Umm.. length joke? Dunno, can't think of one...

EDIT: In retrospect, I really can't think of any reason that I KEPT going back again and AGAIN to the bloody place. All I can say is ...
(ifonly, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 21:02, Reply)

Mum paid for my first one
Yeah she bought me a pair of those trainers that light up, it was like having my own neon under-lighting... of course I should have realised it was a mistake getting them when I was 14.

My second body mod was when some pikey chav kids beat me up for having the trainers of a six year-old, painted me bright yellow and nailed a plank of wood to my back as a 'spoiler'.

I now have alloy wheels and I'm saving up for a bangin' sound system.
(sailorspoon started wiping his own arse from, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 20:53, Reply)

Needle got Stuck
I do all my piercings myself & the only one I ever really cocked up was when I pierced my right nipple. It was alot harder then last time I did it and barely got the fucker through,then after 10 minutes it did and I just relaxed for a bit to recover. BAD IDEA. because I didn't put the jewelery in right away my nipple had swollen and I couldn't get the needle out. The more I tried to get it out the more stressed the tissue got and it started bleeding as well.
After trying everything I could think of I went to have a bath,needle and all. Luckely the heat relaxed it and so I was able to put the jewelery in.
That was a leason learned I can tell you.
( Brain_Error where the fuck has summer gone to??, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 19:57, Reply)

Strict mammy
Ok, I won't bore people with the full list. Here's a story about the last mod.

The mother doesn't like it when I get things pierced or inked. I promised her I'd get nothing else after my last tattoo [blatant lie] and last week decided to get my right nipple pierced, as I had lefty pierced in January, and fancied a bit of symmetry.

I thought it'd be easily hidden, nice and sly, because it's not like I go wandering around topless when my parents are home. I wait till they go out, heh.

I wasn't counting on all the bleeding at all, and rather stupidly wore one of my mam's shirts the day I got it pierced. However, the piercer cleaned it all up and put a dressing over my nipple, so I wasn't too bothered.

So I was rather surprised when I took my jacket off at home and found that the blood had soaked through the dressing, through my bra [now ruined] and onto my mam's shirt [also ruined].

I hid it in the my bedroom. She found it the next day. Curses.
( Kittenpants, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 19:42, Reply)

Beware the black dot
Boyfriend decides to pierce own nose. Wanting to avoid infection, he sterilises a needle by heating it up in a flame. Without thinking to wipe off the soot that accumulates, he begins trying to stab it through his nose...

... and neatly tattoos a blackhead onto the side of his nostril.

Professional piercing services were later sought.
(primate, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 19:28, Reply)

A little story about a piercing going badly wrong... Just for Kaedesmith
Welcome *relaitively* new person. Why not pass some time by reading the b3ta FAQ. Cheers.

;o)

You say people are "Boasting"... no sunshine, they're proud, and they're sharing thier experiences for you. When you meet a friend with a new-born baby and they're crooning over it.. do you tell them to "shut the smeg up and quit boasting"

Piercings and Tatoos are a highly personal things that usually take many months of deliberation before getting them. Most people get them because they want it for themselves.. not to show off. Personally I have got my steel done each time I exit a big relationship. It's my way of reclaiming myself.. (hard to explain) .. and being able to give someone something that noone else has had.

If you can't understand the personal nature of these things and appreciate the fact that most here are baring thier soul for YOUR reading pleasure.. Then you have no place bad-mouthing them.

And Also... as you appear to have such a big mouth and no constructive work for it... why not coem here and.... ;o)

*****************************
Bonus Story

I do tend to hang around one piercing/tattoo place (as a mate of mine runs it) and subsequently I get to see quite a few people who want a good deal of strange piercings...

One of my favourite incedents was when a couple of lads came in, both had thier lips, eyebrows and septums done... but one of them wanted "something different" and had decided that he wanted a long (I think it was a 50mm "ear staff") bar-bell in his forearm.

A few of us tried to dissuade him.. That's a bad bad place to have any piercing. It gets so much contact, so much movement and so on. It'd eb apain in the arse to live with, and, if it doesn't grow out, runs a very low chance of healing.

He was adamant, so the piercer made sure he knew that there'd be no refunds for such a silly bit of work... the lad agreed and they toddle off to the clean-room.

15 minutes later, the lad emerges a touch pale, but none-the-less pleased as punch and surfing the endorphines.

The lad pays up... and the piercer suggests that he covers it with a light dressing to stop it from catching on his clothes... The lad declines, saying he wants to show it off.

The next thing that happened - despite the fact that we'd told him that it was a daft piercing to get - gave us no pleasure. The lad pulled his sleeve down his arm. It was a fairly tight-fitting sleeve, and it slipped between ball and skin... and effectively tore the barbell out of his arm like a cheese-wire.

The lad's mate went pale and sat down hurredly... and the lad himself ran outside and was sick.

The piercer sighed, raised one eyebrow and said "I guess he'll be wanting the dressing after all then.."
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 2 Dec 2006, 19:18, Reply)

A Girl
My now ex girlfriend pierced my heart when she broke up with me. I sat in a corner, cried and then wrote a sad song about it.

Signed (in blood) - EmoKid
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 18:05, Reply)

Sorry that this isn't a story
but why has this QOTW just turned into people posting "I have 3 piercings and 2 tattoos, blah blah blah."
No-one cares, this is supposed to be funny stories about Body Mods going wrong, not just boasting about what you have, got to BME for that.
And Humpy whatever his name is sounds like a tosser.
(kaedesmith, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 16:57, Reply)

mmm, tattoos
im not even 20 and iv got three tattoos of varying sizes on my body. dont think the folks know bout two of them, but hey ho! i love gettin tattooed, just about passed out the last one i got, but it was on my foot and it hurt a lot. first tattoo i got was in canada, by a guy who looked like johnny depp. funnily enough, didnt complain with that tattoo....
second tattoo is the worst, three stars (stars again!). the ink has run a bit under my skin, and the lines arent straight either. may get them redone by another artist in the future. dont get inked in a basement kids!
(doublefruit is wasting away the day that is, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Ooh,and...
I also decided if I ever get a terminal illness, I'm gonna get Goatse tattooed around my belly button.

However,if I dont have a terminal illness I wont cos Im not spending a lifetime with it on me...
(Miharu, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 16:05, Reply)

Churba
Any SELF-RESPECTING B3tard would have just carried on....
(Clarissa, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 15:54, Reply)

Hmm
I should have something to say here....

Well, my 4th ear piercing was done by a friends mum in her front room. Was fine til it went green,then black. I had to stick a pin in the big green bubble every evening. I then swore no more non-pro piercing....

Then got my septum pierced. As the needle went through I screamed "Oh holy shit that really hurts....oh, no it didnt. Ah." That healed up fine.

I then had another non pro one...

Found the earring Id had in my first (gunned)ear piercings, and wondered how sharp it was. It went straight through my ear. Wahey,new piercing.

I also have my tongue web (under my tongue) and I get many hilarious comments about that one. Chavs asking how I got the piercing gun in my mouth is a common occurance...
(Miharu, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 15:39, Reply)

cat on the bed
and cats are cute right?
and they love this...

stick your face in theirs and go awwww
kittykittykittykittykittykitty
the cat thinking steadily more evil thoughts
kittykittykittykittykittyMMMRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW
i stood up in blind pain with a cat entirely hooked through my nose.
it took the efforts of half my family to remove said cat, after they stopped laughing obviously...
i WAS 8 though...so...y'know...lessons learnt.

it's one way to get a free nose piercing anyway...
(quibble, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 14:10, Reply)

Tattoo and Piercings
I have had 3 tattoos, all in the same place in my lower back. It now (finally) looks like one after my horrendous second tattoo.

Got my first one - a wavy sun with double lines when I was 18. Very proud and even my parents liked it! When I was 20 I decided to get another one done and stupidly just made a walk in appointment at what is supposed to be a reputable tattoo parlour... I chose 3 stars either side of my sun. They came out squint, too big and with line work that was thicker than that of my sun.

Eventually plucked up the courage to get it fixed and now have a HUGE tattoo covering my lower back as lots of distractionary stars had to be added to cover up for the squint ones. The repair work cost £120 and was 4 hours of ink time :(

The other day I worked out that in total I have spent £210 on 3 tattoos that now look like one.

I also had a tongue piercing that swelled up and went mental in the summer heatwave this year and had to be removed. The rational part of my brain is telling me to give up but as most people who have had any tattoos or piercings I know agree, it's damn addictive! I'm now contemplating getting my tongue re-pierced and my nipple pierced... I never learn!

Apologies for length but it's my first time!
( commiegirl21 Can't think of anything witty on..., Sat 2 Dec 2006, 13:56, Reply)

not me but...
A friend, in his all powerful drunken state decided to pierce his bollock with a safety pin. Apparently it didn't hurt at all, then he woke up the next day...
(whatktdid, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 12:38, Reply)

I fancied modifying my body with something which would mark me out from the crowd..
...make me into a true individual and give something to be able to tell my grandchildren about.

So I set fire to myself.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 10:46, Reply)

Kids
Many moons ago Kite Jnr, being about 3 at the time, was being very quiet, in the front room, colouring. Myself and Mrs. Kite were in the kitchen. After a bit, I decide to check on Kite Jr., who has coloured large areas of her body with dark blue felt pen "Cos I'm a Zebra Daddy". Of course you are dear, of course you are.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 10:24, Reply)

Straight from the tattoo parlour, my sister did that terribly cute
'guess what my tat is and I'll show you RIGHT NOW!' thing, in the middle of town one day.

Easy, I said. A scorpion, because Scorpios are proud of their birthsign and they love scorpions.

She was furious. 'How did you know that? You don't even BELIEVE in astrology!'

Maybe not, dear sister, but I know YOU do.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 9:21, Reply)