I had a boyfriend who was mad on golf.
He played it every evening in the summer, every weekend in the winter: when it was too dark to see the ball he'd go to the driving range or watch golf on TV. If all else failed he'd play his Tiger Woods golf game.

All his spare money went on golf clubs, shoes, club membership, golf clothes, and other associated paraphernalia.

He read golf magazines in bed, in the bath and on the bog.

Every time the phone rang, it was blokes arranging golf games with him. I took hundreds of messages - 'Bill rang, he'll see you on the course at 6' - and off Boyf'd go, whistling, balls in hand.

I hardly saw him, winter or summer, and was left to my own devices most of the time.

How did I put up with it?

Reader, I married him. Last thing I want is a man under my feet!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:45, Reply)

love hurts.
Years ago now i met a girl in the pub on a Saturday night, as you do. She wasnt particularly stunning but she wasnt bad, especially after a few pints.

She sauntered over and stated bluntly that she was lonely and wanted to know if i would go back to hers.

I had been trying unsuccessfully for hours to get myself some action then suddenly the girl of my dreams (alive and willing) serves it up on a plate.

Before i even finished stammering "Y, y, yeah, OK" we were in a taxi on our way to hers.

We got back to her flat and before i could say anything she pounced on me. A full on crazed and frantic blow job ensued. By this point i had no idea what had hit me, i was just going with the flow. Just as i was getting close to the finish post she stops, sits on the bed next to me and looks me right in the eye and says "I have a confession... i've got a boyfriend. He is in the next room"

"WHAT?" i said in a sort of muted whispering shout.

THEN SHE CALLS HIM INTO THE ROOM!! My heart sank and i began to get very nervous.

The boyfriend comes in and he is BIG. He was dressed in nothing but his dressing gown and he stares at me like im a turd on his dinner plate.

Then he flies at me and knocks me on the floor. He then proceeds to beat the living bejaisus out of me.

The girl on the bed who just seconds ago was making all my birthdays come at once was now sat there with a little vibrator going like the clappers and shes having a wonderful time. Boyfriend stops and then goes to help her out. I sat quietly on the floor unable to get to the door because the bed was in the way and did i already say he was BIG.

After they both had a screaming good time, (I have to admit this made me a bit horny) they told me to piss off and the boyfriend escorted me to the door.

It was months afterwards that i was talking to a friend of mine. He told me that he has heard about this woman and she is known for this kind of thing and does it a lot. Apparently she gets sexual satisfaction from seeing her lump of a boyfriend beat the cr@p of some poor horny unfortunate, in this case ME!
(RoadKillChicken, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:43, Reply)

Badgerbadgerbadgerbagder!
Saw a gorgeous girl on the train this morning. She was wearing a badge that said 'I am not a badger!'

Does that count? I'm worried that she always needs something around to remind her.
(flimflam_machine, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:40, Reply)

hmmmm...
my ex found out that back in the day before i went out with him, my best friends bf at the time propositioned me for a threesome (me and my best friend declined with much laughter and hilarity)...

this incensed him so much, that even though it was before his time, he felt it necessary to go charging up and down the street with a kitchen knife threatening to stab him ^_^

im sure ive mentioned this before but we had a full blown argument about how often a leap year was and how many extra days were in feb.(he said they were every 5 years and that there were 30 days in feb) When mentioning this to a friend in mild jest he went off the wall screaming.

A list of things that made him angry.

1.Existing.
2.Having to pay his ex money to see his child.
3.Me not buying him ONE can of beer with my last £1.00.
4.Not being able to get any mary-jane.

The list goes on and on and on and on and on.

when he got angry, he would jump up and down and flail his arms like a monkey. I called him monkey boy.

One would say he is passionate, but on the rare occasions he saw his son, he fell asleep.

When i dumped him, he cried on his knees and begged me not to leave him.

I used to think he destroyed me but now i think he is a source of mild amusement.
(Salbo_baggins, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:39, Reply)

Cats
All of them. Beautiful animals but mad as a bag of beards the lot of 'em.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:38, Reply)

Psycho-boy
This question seems a bit geared towards psycho-girls so i'm turning the tables on you boys. There are a lot of freakish weirdo men out there too, and all of them have been out with me. Here is the best of the bunch:

Gorgeous, blue eyes, amazing body. Total fucking nutter.
Here are just a few of the best bits of our 5 month relationship:
1) He threw a lampshade at me becuse I told him I wasn't hungry to eat the pizza he ordered without asking me.
2)He was jealous of my cat and kicked it once when it jumped up to sit on my knee.
3)He stopped me from seeing any of my male friends. Then he decided I couldn't see my females friends.
4)He banned me from looking at magazines ?!
5)He inspected my bed and claimed to have found "man-hairs" in it. He then thumped me.
6)He was Spanish. His parents told him that, because I was of the English persuasion, then I must be (to quote) "A fucking dirty whore".

These are just the biggies, but after I eventually stopped being such a knob and dumped him he stalked me for a further four bleeding months.

I got my own back though... I decided that the old motto "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" was the best course of action and set about being the worst kind of psychotic bitch possible with the help of one of my mad exes. We sent him rabbit's feet (the keyring type) covered in fake blood, we waited for him all over town, I called constantly wailing and asking to be forgiven... Result? He moved away. 400km away! Apparently he needed some counselling so I feel really quite bad about that. Hang on, no I don't. That guy kicked my kitty.
Now that's a result!
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:33, Reply)

my first serious relationship
was with a gorgeous girl (I was very lucky, I thought) and lasted just over 3 years. I won't bang on about it too much, but some of the highlights included: random outbursts of waking in the night and saying there was someone else in the room, kicking/punching me in her sleep, doing stuff whilst in a sleeping state (switching the telly on, then off, then on etc), oh and she once convinced me to get my hairdresser mum to cut her hair, then cried and shouted immediately after the task was completed and acted despicably towards her afterwards.

It did happen very gradually, but hey you don't care about stuff like that too much I suppose.

Anything for a shag

( McBadger COW, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:33, Reply)

Tasty
Another quick one that springs to mind. Not a girlfriend, but she was hot as hell. A girl in my year at school and sixth form: Picture her as 5'11", face like an even prettier Mischa Barton, the most unbelievable sexy figure, perfect breasts, long skinny legs, and my god - the ass still comes to me in my dreams...

So, one day, her (lucky, lucky) boyfriend at the time decided to "spice things up" and buy her some fruit flavoured condoms. On showing them to her, she replied:

"Oh my god! That's amazing! I had no idea you can taste down there!"...
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:32, Reply)

With nutters like that around....
thank fuck I'm single! :)
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:30, Reply)

Psycho Stalker
One guy I used to date insisted on calling me his wife and drew a lovely picture of our grave for me the day after we met.
(deadly, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:26, Reply)

well...
examples from the relationship of the century other than his sh1tting the bed include: being introduced to a roomful of my friends, sitting back on the couch, pulling his ankles up to his ears to magnify the sound, and farting like a carthorse. as a "hello".

shuffling along outside a nice restaurant, taking off a shoe, barfing into it in front of the diners, then putting it back on and wearing it. without really noticing the puke.

raving on and on about how wonderful the nazis were and how all his "blue eyed brothers" should not have perished. wtf?

crying like a toddler because his mother once told him she considered an abortion when she found out she was pregnant and how he'd always felt unloved and unwanted... then turning to me 2 mins later and saying "if you're ever pregnant by me i'll knock you out and jump on your stomach".

this is an email from my flatmate about him:

1. he snores
2. he defecates IN BED
3. he drinks like a fish
4. he has family issues
5. he is emotionally unavailable
6. he is tighter than a gnat's chuff
7. his career is going nowhere
8. he mumbles when he talks
9. you could never take him to any social function without fretting
10. he is bald
11. he is selfish
12. he has no mates (which says a lot)
13. he is nasty
14. he can be violent
15. he is rude
16. he is uncaring
17. he lives in a cess pit
18. he is a freeloader
19. he is not remotely attractive either on the insider or out
20. he smokes like a gay man

and i still put up with it for years and years. not sure whether to end this by saying i am beautiful but must be bonkers for putting up with it; i am beautiful, he is bonkers, or to turn the question on its head by saying hideous and bonkers, but there's a minor bit of relevance in there somewhere...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:21, Reply)

Ex on a G String
I used to go out with a girl in my first year at University - kinda pretty (not drop dead gorgeous), but when I started going out with her, she had this innocent charm about her.

This, I later learned, was not innocence. It was complete and utter, A grade, top of the class lunacy.

Some of the things that stick in mind were her calling me up at 2 in the morning, at her uni (sodding miles away) screaming that I had to help her, it was an emergency. Upon arriving there, I discovered the emergency was "I plugged my iPod into my friends PC, and now all my music is gone! GONE!". Also, how she broke up with me: after being rushed to hospital one night, straight from her house, to have a very urgent operation, I was telephoned the next morning, to be told "Where did you go last night?" "The hospital - remember, the ambulance took me there!" "But, you should have stayed with me! I was lonely! I can't do this any more!"

However, the way I like to let people see just how crazy she was, was the fact that one day, she decided to surprise me, as she had bought some rather interesting underwear, including a G String. So, after stripping off, she wonders why I'm smirking. "Sweetie, you've put it on back to front". This wasn't the funny part - the funny part was the fact she then launched into a half hour tirade of abuse, explaining how stupid I am, because "No, it's not - the labels at the back, see!"
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:19, Reply)

She burned herself when I was late one time
and then blamed it on me, saying: "Look what you made me do!"

I think my response was something like: "Please return your seat to the upright position, this relationship is over."
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:17, Reply)

Kelly...
Kelly was, without doubt, one of the more stunning lasses in history... She was as far as i remeber a fantasticly tallented music student, and she happend to live in teh same halls as my then girlfriend.

One night a REALLY frantic Kelly comes bursting in to the communal area... in TEARS.

"I just had a nightmare"...
"really?"
"Yes.. I dreamed that I woke up... and I was a cabbage.."
"What... like... retarded?"
"No.. don't be so stupid... like green and leafy, just sat on my pillow"

There was a moment of hushed silence.. then Hannah laughed at the stupidity....

"DON'T LAUGH.... what if it REALLY happend.. What would you do?"
Ogwen piped up saying that she'd be safe from him.. as boiled cabbage made him fart terribly... and Kelly broke down in tears.

Before going to bed.. Kelly made up promise that If - in the eventuality of her nightmare coming true - we woke up to find a big leafy cabbagehead on her bed instead of her usual well-formed self, we'd feed her... and not eat her.

We promised.. and a rather distraught and shivvering Kelly stumbled back into her room.

The wheel was definately spinning... but the hamster was long dead.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:17, Reply)

Dumping her was the start of my troubles...
...back in uni I was seeing a 22 year old lady from newport pagnell (not at uni) but after a few months decided I was better off dumping her (as agreed with several people I consulted over games of pool).

So, I broke the news to her at her local pub but we had already made plans to go out with her best friend & her boyfriend that night. It was me meeting them for the first time. I decided this could go against me so said, "ok, but only if I can bring a mate with me".

Met up with the psycho that night... she kept trying it on with me in the pub/club and I quite definately rejected her. Not least as it seemed I was getting interest from her best friend...

So she did something a little bizarre. She tried it on with my flatmate, obviously trying to piss me off. I let it go and ironically got her best friends number while her boyfriend was in the loo.

Come the end of the night I decided I didn't want to share a cab with my ex and my flatmate so sent them home in a cab and walked the 5 miles home.
Getting home i crept up to the living room window and peered in at the 2 of them sitting watching TV totally normally. "bit odd" thought I and I silently crept in, went to my room and relaxed with a CD, opened a bottle of wine and put on some more comfortable clothes.
After 30 mins I decided I needed something from the living room/kitchen area and ventured in nonchalantly rather surprising them both. Said a quick hello and went back to my room hotly followed by the ex.
She then made yet more passes at me until I said, right well I need to get some sleep "Goodnight" and showed her the door.
Next morning she was still hanging around, until my flatmate and I went out so put her outside and called a taxi for her.

She ended up getting pregnant from her best friends boyfriend so I hooked up with her best friend.

I saw her in Sainsbury's about 3 years later and she came up to me and still was all clingy, my run away instict was slowed by the weight of shopping basket...

Flipping psycho that girl...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:16, Reply)

Yes Miss
Gorgeous, sexy woman, I was the tender age of 19, she was 24. Amazing in bed, the works. Started off fine, then let it be known that she didn't think my friends were good enough, maybe a bit of jealously I thought.

Totally confirmed when, whilst dancing in a silly, not in any way sexual fashion with a female chum, she thought she'd let me know what she thought of that by swiping/chucking bottles of beer of a speaker at me.

Oddly, the relationship didn't survive too long.
(badfiremonkey, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:10, Reply)

im so sorry but
1) she was ginger

2) Her ex boyfriend wasn't so much an ex as currently indesposed, at her majesty's pleasure.

3) her being 22 slowly dwindled down to admitting she was 17.

Toodle oo!!
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:03, Reply)

...
My mum says I am not allowed to go out with girls until I am 35...only five years to go!
(jidler changed his name on, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 14:01, Reply)

Nuts
Aren't all women psychopathic nutters by very definition?

Lorna is, of course, an exception :-)

As is my current of course............
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:57, Reply)

Not beautiful but utterly nuts
I have had far more than my fair share of scrapes with emotionally challenged ladies, some of whom can be described as beautiful but mostly not unfortunately. I appear to have been born with a bright neon sign above my head saying "Nutters Here!".

One however takes the proverbial biscuit...

Ex-Mrs PJM:

1) Owning a vast menagerie of animals which I was expected to fund and also clean as she was unable to lift the heavy cages. Scrubbing a cage clean from rat-piss every week soon loses it's appeal, not to mention finding that the snakes kept in an aquarium in the bedroom had escaped in the middle of the night.

2) Causing a massive scene at a friends engagement do. Why? Because I had the audacity to talk to my best mate, who ex-Mrs PJM didn't like. Indeed, she had a strong dislike of most of my friends, who stopped inviting us out because she'd invariably offend someone.

3) Insisting that there was something badly wrong with me because I was less than enthusiastic about bum fun, being tied up and flogged, not to mention my cool response to the sight of my sagging/overflowing wife squeezed into all manner of shiny gear, looking about as erotic as a freshly trussed turkey in a butchers shop window.

4) When asked to accompany me on a course of relationship counselling in an effort to save the marriage I was informed that I should seek counselling alone seeing as I was the source of all the problems within the marriage.

5) Her frequent verbal abuse in front of friends, relatives, colleagues, mortgage advisers etc.

6) Being told when I could and when I could not exercise.

7) Sleeping with one of my mates while I was out of town one weekend, then telling me it was all my fault. And then having a go at me because none of our friends would talk to her afterward. Like, er yeah.

8) Upon my decision to move out into my brother's vacant home I agreed to pay her an allowance money to help with her paying for our house, she helped herself to about a grand's worth of my salary over two months to pay my shre of £250 mortgage and £175 of council tax. While she had over twelve fucking grand in the bank and treated herself to a new car.

9) As she "didn't do" washing up (fair enough as she cooked dinner) I was responsible for scrubbing the dishes. One evening a glass broke in the bowl, gouging a inch and a half long gash in my hand that required stitches. The very next day I was handed a pair of yellow marigolds, a size too small and ordered to wash up - wounded hands not withstanding.

10) She had personal habits which would make a monkey blush including peeing in the shower, not scrubbing the bowl clean after use, the daily obsession with plucking at her minge with a pair of tweezers and discarding the resulting fuzz all over the sofa.

The list goes on and on, much like this post really but it's healthy to talk. My mother in law was lovely though, bizarrely enough.

Apologies for width of ex.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:55, Reply)

Let's call her Jen
Because that's her name.

She worked support for the company I worked for, and we started going out. I lived on my own, she lived with her brother.

Strange fact 1 - rang her up one night to be told by her brother never to ring again. Okkk
Strange fact 2 - brother slept in a tiny bedroom, she in the main room. Oooookkkkk

Found out after 5 months of dating her, that there was no brother. and I was the 3rd "bit on the side" as she referred to me that she had going at the same time.

Not much I could say except "Never talk to me again. I hope you shrivel up and die you fat, ugly bitch"

No wonder her last boyfriend pushed her down the stairs... he probably found out what she was really like.
(pup, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:51, Reply)

Oh god
I've gotta be careful here as I think one of my ex's still reads the board but at the same time I don't give a shit :D

Every single one of my serious girlfriends has be mental, I think it's the type I go for...or it might be that I do pick them up at outside the doctors.

First one got certified, no shit, had to convince the doctor to discharge her because I wanted sex.

Second was a girl whose first thing she told was that she lost her virginity on a grave and now it feels strange doing it any other way.

Third was quite nice but had a tick that meant she would gurn at the worst moment such as meeting my mum for the first time looking alright and then making her chin touch her eyebrows a second after.

forth one was a manic mexican model who took so much coke that she was into headbutting things for pleasure. She forgot we even went out even though we were together for 5 months seeing each other everyday and stuff.

Fifth one which I broke up with about 2 months ago was okish looking, only went out with her because she had big dirty pillows. She had a wonky knee and couldn't run, and walked like one leg was longer than the other, proper mood swings either being manicly happy to complete downer. She would also like getting jiggy with us in soho alleys and never used to tell me she was on the blob. Not a happy boy with mucky clothes to home in. an enjoyer of blob sex. Still getting texts saying she's going to "do something"...I just ignore that now.

My latest one is actually the first semi normal girl I've been out with although I think I'm just a lost cause now :D
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:51, Reply)

I am that girl, and I'm not sorry
...just proud to be hot enough that my boyfriend of three years will put up with me.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:50, Reply)

My God Fraser
Her name wasn't Kirsten was it?
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:50, Reply)

My ex-girlfriend...
Collected Nazi memorabilia.
(Don Diasco, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:43, Reply)

I've just broken up

with a young lady, on the basis that I wanted more committment in the relationship than she was willing to give.

Well, that's not very interesting you might say, other than the reversal of gender stereotypes.

The relevant bit is that the excessive committment that I wanted, was that when she saw me (once a week, effectively on a day and time of her choosing), she should not be coming down or hung over.

An intolerable oppression, as I'm sure all here will agree.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:42, Reply)

Crazy (for this) Girl
I once met a young lady in the buffet car on a train back home to Norwich. As I worked for the railway company the guard asked me to stay in the buffet because the lights kept going off and I had a key to switch them back on again. So me an the young lady got talking and found we had a lot in common.

I kept seeing her around at work and eventually we went out for a drink, where I found out she was married. Bummer. But then she said she was going to leave him, like they do, so I started where he left off, so to speak.

After a couple of months of furtive paranoia she drops the bombshell that she's leaving town to make a "clean break", me included. I still saw her at work, but she politely ignored me.

One day I happened to be catching a train and I overheard someone talking at the other end of the carriage - it was her, so I popped over to say hello, asking her what she was going to do when she got to Birmingham. She freaked out and accused me of stalking her, following her around and demanded I leave her alone. I went and sat in the next carriage where I sat watching the scrolling LED display as it informed the passengers in six-inch high orange letters that THIS TRAIN IS FOR BIRMINGHAM.

She used to wear purple. It's a sign of things to come...
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:41, Reply)

Woo, first :o)
Tragic - I'm not sorry :-)

Anyhoo - Story - Psycho evil nutter girl - Let's nickname her Gertrude. Treated me like the shite you clean off your shoe - I did some of her Uni work, put up with all manner of shite from her, argued with her all the time and all because I thought that I had a chance with what I believed to be a total beauty.

Looking back, I was an awkward geeky twat who had no chance of copping off with her.

Makes me angry still - but because I was such a dickhead for not realising. I've not spoken to her in about 5 years and the tragedy is that she was one of my best friends at Uni - Well, the friendship clearly turned sour when she started taking liberties with my emotions....

Oh, she wasn't that good looking and she had/has a big ass. And her current boyfriend - I pity the fool....

Edit - Decided to remove her name.......... Ahem.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 17 Nov 2006, 13:38, Reply)