Me mam used to say this everytime she dropped a bottom-burp;
"My farts smell of roses."

No they fucking don't. They make me gag.

So I comeback with the retort of "Yes, roses covered in shit."
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 15:35, Reply)

Saw the "no I in teamwork" one on a school banner
Commented to a fellow teacher, "But there is one in 'win.'"
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 15:29, 3 replies)

Oh by the way
My Mum would not say "shit", ever. Apparently my dad twisted her arm behind her back to make her swear....

But the rudest thing we ever hear her say was "sheeba" (with feeling).
I would never have said "sheeba" in public, but I said "shit" heaps........ Took me 20 years to work it out!!
(Dasar, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 15:27, 2 replies)

Zuowan touched on this on the first page but forgot "Clients."
I am so tired of probation officers (for those recently out of jail), caretakers of the terminally ill or the handicapped, government social services workers and the lot refering to the people they deal with as customers or clients. Why not just call them "johns" like prostitutes do their "customers"?

They're not buying anything, you dolts. They're the people you take care of or serve, sure. For the MENTALLY RETARDED, they're people who need help to live like human beings.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 15:21, 4 replies)

oh, and while im at it
local newspapers (especially the burton mail which is truly awful)where councils always blunder and police always swoop, anyone over 65 is automatically tagged pensioner and gypsies are itinerants.

'deeply shocked and saddened' - spun emotion.

expresso.
no, its ES PRESSO. its not 'express'o because its small and fast, the ground coffee is pressed into the machine and very very hot water forced though it.

hence es'presso'
(magictorch, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 15:16, 1 reply)

you disrespecting me?
no. that implies i had respect for you in the first place. which i didnt.

pin number. personal identification number . number.

pi number

thank you.
(magictorch, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 15:04, 5 replies)

Riffing on Dante's below:
"Can I ask something"? -- You just did.
"Is it alright if I have a question"? -- Sure, if you keep it to yourself.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 14:34, Reply)

"I have a question for you!"
Usual place I hear that is in my shop, and usually spoken in an american accent. Do you have a question? Good, in that case "I may have an answer for you."

Their questions tend to be stupid. Also, to be honest, if you're in my shop and you start speaking to me, I'm going to assume that the first words you'll asked will be ended by a question. Just spit it out and get it over with.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 13:39, 4 replies)

"BRING ON THE WALL!"
*changes channel*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 13:31, Reply)

"Responding to your needs"
Looks an innocent enough phrase, doesn't it?
Its all about the context. You see, anybody living in the East Midlands of the UK, like me, sees this phrase on the side of vehicles owned and ran by the East Midlands Ambulance Service. So if they're not "Responding to my needs" ie, for an ambulance for someone who is dangerously ill, what the fuck are they up to?

Whilst we're at it, how much did that slogan cost? Could they have kept my local ambulance station open for what that cost?
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 13:25, Reply)

Me daughter, aged 3
"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????"

*repeat until eyes turn bloodshot*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 12:36, 11 replies)

Wordsworth?
Me manager come out with a classic;
"What we need here lads is some sky-blue thinking."

No, what we need now lads is a new manager.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 12:33, Reply)

too subtle?
a bit of a /board one this. if no-one's replied, it's because it's not funny. sorry, there it is. don't start calling into question everyone else's intellect because your pic just isn't very interesting. we all make a few duds, and this is one of yours

okay, that's not always the reason, but it's damned likely
( spacefish bong!, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 12:26, Reply)

"hahaha I've just bought 15 tickets and they're all going on ebay"
This morning, myself and a few chums got up extra early and had bacon sarnies all around with the up and coming resale of Glastonbury tickets. 20 mins in and we all have the tickets and are suitably over the moon.

My friend Kieran Mcgrath (Name not changed as he needs to be named and shamed) decided it'd be funny to post the title quote on the official Glastonbury facebook page to wind people up. I do not endorse this.

5 Mins later he gets a call from Seetickets saying they've been instructed by someone from the festival organisers to rescind all the tickets that he had brought. So that's his ticket and another friends.

Not a phrase that annoys me, but one Kieran is going to regret for many, many months to come.
(PassTheKhat, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 12:11, 3 replies)

"Socialist" or "Socialism"...
...when uttered by foaming-at-the-mouth paranoid McCarthyite twats, and parroted by other twats who probably don't even know what it means. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 12:07, 7 replies)

Assist.
It's a fucking cross!
(Mr G to you , Fathead, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 11:51, 5 replies)

"Comedic."
We don't need this foul neologism. The adjectival form of "comedy" is "comic."
The use of this clunky and ugly word is, frankly, tragedic.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 11:24, 1 reply)

Portmanteau expressions.
'edutainment', 'brunch', 'metrosexual' etc
The dominant means of word coinage among media and marketing twats.
I've never known anyone to use these in any great number, without irony or embarrassment, who wasn't a complete fucking cunt.
(Cameltoad, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 11:18, 6 replies)

Football commentators
"Saved by the post/bar/woodwork." No, the "woodwork" forms the goal, the attacking side have to put the ball within the goal to score. Hitting the post or bar means that they have narrowly failed to do so. Unless the goal takes it upon itself to move and block a shot which would have otherwise gone in then the phrase is quite incorrect.

Also, penalties. The taker "sends the keeper the wrong way" or the keeper "guesses right." How do they know?
(Cave Duck, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 10:15, 5 replies)

Acronym Overload
In any office there is always one Twunt whose total verbal offerings consists of using as many Acronyms as possible, to the point where they simply spout letters of the alphabet joined up by a spattering of prepositional links, in an attempt to make them appear superior to you.
To the commerce guy in our Cambridge office , and the rest of such similar people around the world, just Fucking stop it !!!!!
Just like a down’s syndrome Dwarf, it’s not big and it’s not clever.
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 10:01, Reply)

"this is courtesy call"
er, no it isn't. It's a sales call.
And I ain't buying. So fuck off.
( Sallyrsm, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 9:54, 2 replies)

Coat
I'll get my coat....
..../gets coat.
:(
(Screwloose Ate his hat on, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Dizzy Rascal
All of it, every single sound
(shinypurplebit booked his tickets (yay) on, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 7:57, 1 reply)

Meh, some phrases that I find really irritating in no particular order.
"Stop doing that",
"I'm going to call the police",
"Is it in yet uncle?"

/coat
(spongtastic - Fisting midgets since 15.45, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 7:26, Reply)

Anything coming out of of a real-estate agent's mouth (except maybe his pulverised lunch mixed with salmonella)
We went and looked at a display village today. GF dragged me away from disturbing the greasy shiny agent who was leaning into a potential buyer and explaining, "My job is to help you get the house that *you* want... " ("blah, blah, blah, I'm your best friend and I really like you, blah, blah blah, we'll show the builder who's boss around here, blah, blah, blah").

What he really meant to say was "My job is to tell you whatever I think you want to hear until I get your signature on this contract".
(xixax, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 6:35, 1 reply)

Metric
No, I don't mean the system used across the Channel. I mean metric as used by HR managers and other assorted high-level corporate weasels. An actual example from my workplace this week:
``I don't know if this is premature, but we'd really like to obtain a productivity metric based on the Newsgate system implementation.''

In English:
``Has the new computer system made it possible for the poor fuckers who work here to shovel shit twice as quickly?''
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 5:44, 1 reply)

Fortuitous.
Loved by football commentators. It's lucky. Pretentious cunt.

And as if the dubbing on that awful hair dye advert isn't bad enough. What the fuck is an easy minute?
(DutyPaid, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 5:28, 2 replies)

Oh, and let's go grill.
It doesn't piss me off as such, but when we're doing a bbq (barbecue) it's considered grilling.
To me, being an implant over here, I consider grilling as in fish fingers, burgers, sausages done in the top bit of the oven - the grill.
I've mostly got used to the terminology (wait...gotten used to it), but still, when somebody says "grill", I still think of that top of the oven where you flame the food from above.

And no, it IS NOT BROILED!!!!! Broiled is a cross between boiling and grilling (see above for reference).

I just cooked a ribeye on my bbq. Therefore, I just grilled a steak.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 4:26, 2 replies)

SMS speak
It really fucks me off when one of my more annoying colleagues writes business emails like he's a teenager writing an SMS. He's fucking forty years old but seems to think that things like 'thx', 'luv' and 'kewl' are ok.

Well, he's on a final performance improvement plan (for other reasons), so hopefully I can boot the twat out in the next 60 days.
(airbiscuit last dropped a meaty one in the lift on, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 4:17, 2 replies)