More cringeworthiness
So "moving forwards".....


Fuck off!
(frightfullybored, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:54, 2 replies)

DVD CD
What irritates me is when someone asks me for a blank "DVD CD". Oblivious to the fact that the two are distinctly different objects

Or when not-so-tech-savvy people refer to a CD containing mp3's as "an mp3"
(Tilde, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:11, 1 reply)

Watersports?
Well do you want me to piss on you or what??
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:11, 3 replies)

dot fucking com
Don't you hate it when people add 'dot com' to the word confused in a shite attempt at being funny.
"I'm a bit confused.com about which switch on this gizmo does what" what?

grumble mumble grumble dot com
(teasus likes tea, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:10, 4 replies)

Roundabout or Island
My missus is from the West Midlands (oop north as far as I am concerned) and she constantly refers to a roundabout as an island. Causes much confusion when she is trying to give directions to a Southener.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:55, 12 replies)

These are probably covered already...
...but I am unfortunate to know a grown man in his 40's who can neither spell nor speak; 'Aks' for 'Ask', 'Pacific' for 'Specific' etc. I find it very annoying indeed.
(Chopper3, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:55, 2 replies)

it's an unaseptable outrage
The way Jo from Super Nanny pronounces unacceptble as unaseptable.
If she can't say the word she should find an alternative.
( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:53, 6 replies)

I have a bit of a thing with verbal and oral.
Verbal = in words.
Oral = by mouth.

It is possible to give verbal instructions without speaking. Written (text) instuctions are verbal.
It is also possible to give limited oral instructions without using distinct words, admittedly at the risk of sounding chavish or neanderthal.
But the question 'was it a verbal order?' is rarely what the asker intends to ask.
Yes, I know, another battle lost before it has begun.
My trouble is, I learned my vocabulary before the meanings shifted.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:51, 3 replies)

Windy pops
Or wind in the willows.

You know what I am talking about, don't you? If not, like me you probably hadn’t spent much time with super twee the mother from hello kitty's cutesy torture garden.

Wind are farts. Her child didn’t have the backdoor trots, he had a runny bum. Her child hadn't made one hell of a mess; he had 'Clean up time.'

But the best sorry of mothers failing to see that their child is just as filthy dirty and badly behaved as all the other kids.

For my sins, I was out shopping in a Dorothy Perkins. Waiting in the queue to pay for what ever tat I had selected, I felt a little kick on the back of my leg, I turned round to see a little boy of no more then 2 in his push chair, as I turned I uttered the words 'Whose that poking me!' trying to be funny. The little boy had wriggled/forced his way out of the pushchair's restraints and was now arching his back, pulled his penis out and was pulling back the foreskin of his penis while shouting. All I remember was saying 'Oh' and turning back round thinking 'Oh my god. Please don't phone the police I am an accidental paedophile, not a real one I didn't ask to see it'.
Within 5 seconds, mummy had said 'Now we don't do those silly things do we.'
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:48, 4 replies)

'more dynamic' and 'the same only more so'
clients are all cunts.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:38, 1 reply)

Disks! CDs! and other types of media...
All get called, by a certain generation... "tapes"

Get a CD software update from Sage? "Just upload the tapes for Sage would you?"

It gets better... There's no such thing as a USB memory stick. No. It's a "Saving Pen"

There's more of these, I just can't remember them right now... meh!
(Roger Moore's Right Eyebrow saw your mum on chatroulette on, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:34, 15 replies)

I have been putting together a few project initiation documents recently
and decided it was time for a new 'buzz-phrase' at work. I have settled on 'Continuous Re-Assessment of Performance'

It has started to catch on. I have now seen it copied in another document and it has slipped into a couple of requirements documents as well. I am quite proud that this wonderful little phrase can apply to both system performance and team performance. It's universally applicable. I will be adding it to the benefits sections of all projects that I can as well!

I will have management talking CRAP in presentations by the middle of the summer!!!
( more balanced than jeremy beadle It wasn't me..., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:30, 2 replies)

It's completely irrelevant
But it's my b3ta birthday today!! Woohoo!

Happy birthday to me...

EDIT:

To be a bit more relevant, my mum calls me chicken bottom and I'm 22 years old. It's very annoying.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:14, 8 replies)

Pronounciation
Why the fuck is it always people pointing out other people's inability to pronounce something correctly that say "pronOUnciation" instead of "pronUnciation".

Actually, I don't find this annoying, I just enjoy the irony.
(secretsquirrel, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:03, 4 replies)

"interactive menus"
hooray! I can select play! interactive menus DO NOT COUNT as an extra feature, as I've only ever come across one movie that auto-plays the film (but opens a menu after): outland.

oh, and the UMD version of the 5th element has the cab plummeting through the city in a loop with stuff rushing towards you, press X at the right time to play. it's like a game before a movie! on a video game console! what will they think of next?
(venort apparently exists, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:01, 3 replies)

Having just been patronised with the "apologies for the delay," and the excuse that "all our operators are busy at the moment"
I'm then told:
"Your call is very important to us."

I have my doubts.

Particularly as I just want somebody to talk to so I can tell them about my penis.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 11:55, 2 replies)

"Bonus material"
When they mean "scenes that weren't good enough to make the final cut, but we have to fill the last half-inch of space on the edge of the DVD."
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 12 Apr 2010, 11:45, 2 replies)

Working in Essex
This probably should have been in the ignorance QOTW but I wasn't around then so I'm going to tell this now since people are mentioning the inability to pronounce correctly.

My colleague wrote an email to her boyfriend which he kindly forwarded to me. "I've just bought a pretty pink hambag!"

I asked her if this was perhaps some avant-garde design idea for a bag made from ham, or perhaps a bag for carrying ham (an essential part of any dog's wardrobe).

But no, her defence was, "Well that's how it's pronounced!" to which I replied, "erm, no, it's not. It's a handbag." She stood there looking utterly confused for about 5 minutes.

She also spelt abrupt as "apprupt" and I have to keep correcting her when she says "secutary" rather than secretary.
( kitsune-tsuki tankeløst hode får lettest sove, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 11:41, 4 replies)

Blokes I don't know...
The guy at my local Tesco Express calls me BUDDY or FELLER.

"You're not my buddy, but this claw hammer is, let me introduce it to your face!!"
(Barnetboy, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 11:37, 15 replies)

FYI....
For your information. There I just typed it in it entirety. I didn’t collapse with exhaustion nor did I feel the need for a short nap part way through typing it. And I typed it, which you must agree with the exception of texting or label making is the most labour expensive method of communication. For that reason alone I can see no reason while speaking one would say F.Y.I when passing you a piece of paper with writing on it.

My other pet hate is 'heads up' with or without 'giving you' 'Just' or other wise. What does that phrase mean??? I had never heard it used anywhere else except on the football pitch prior my current work place. In my previous incarnation was as a civil servant so I am fluent in Jargonise but not even White Hall 'Just gave me a heads up'! Forgive me for 2 things. Firstly, stating the obvious but it sounds like the obscene act. Secondly, heads up where? So far up the MD's fundament I barely see the soles of your feet?
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 11:33, 1 reply)

The Sun sport pages
Nobody talks normally they always roar.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 11:30, Reply)

"I've got an action on me to give you a chase on an update for (X) by close of play..?"
I hate you I hate you I hate you, with every bone in my body and yours and all that is good and holy, I want you to die, preferably quickly so I don't have to listen to you bitching about it.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Urban myth/legend
What, there are rural equivalents?

Urban does not mean modern. If you mean modern, or contemporary, then bloody well say so.

Or just call the fucking things old wives' tales, or folk tales. People will still know what you mean.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 11:04, 11 replies)

"We have a 26 year old male badly injured in an car crash"
Male what, duck? Rhinocerous? AV cable end?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 10:58, 8 replies)

Umm...
It doesn't work as well as it used to, but when I was a wee lad at school, I would consciously focus on whenever someone said "umm" in a sentence. Worked best during class presentations or show & tell.

Without fail, within 30 seconds I'd be on the floor in fits of laughter.
Best part was that I could infect anyone I wanted to with my observation. That meant I always had several companions with me whenever we'd be sent to the principal's office for rude and disruptive behaviour.

The ultimate test of who had the biggest balls though, was in said principal's office when he'd question why we'd been sent to see him again, and all we could utter was "Umm..."
(DougQuaid Get ya azz to moars..., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 10:50, 1 reply)

Log on
For some reason it always irks me when people say "Log on to our website" when most of the time you don't actually log on at all.

They always do this on BBC London News:

"For more stories, log on to our website at bbc.co.uk/london"
(secretsquirrel, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 10:46, 5 replies)

Herb
it's got a fucking H at the beginning. Americans take note.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 10:32, 21 replies)

Those of you that
have to tolerate buzzwords in meetings, I suggest making up your own. Especially as they will have no idea what you mean by them.

Extra points if you can get them using the phrases. I'm going to start the ball rolling with

"We need to squeeze the teabag and add the milk"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 10:31, 13 replies)

Ha! Found it
www.b3ta.com/questions/buzzwords/post690783

Sesquipedalian (noun)
Given to or characterized by the use of long words.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 10:08, 9 replies)

Prompted by Jeccius' post below
the overuse of the exclamation mark in low-brow/free supermarket magazines.

"Try tossing over your cereal if preferred!"

"Here's my 2 year old grandson after eating spag bol! (Do I win £5?)"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 9:52, 5 replies)