Ratcocks.
This is the true meaning.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 16:51, Reply)

As I was brought up a Jehovahs witness, my Christmas anecdotes are :-
1. Spam and cream crackers for Christmas dinner.
2. No presents.
3. Listening to all the kids back at school talking about and showing all the stuff they got.
4. Sitting on my own in the library while the nativity play was on.
5. Dealing with the smell of religious fervour (similar to a cattle yard)
6. Having my nan read me the bible and then asking questions.
7. No Christmas telly.

THANKS GOD YOU FUCKING CUNT.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 14:58, 19 replies)

Dogs do the funniest things. I raise your shitting green ham.
T'was a few days before Christmas and off to the shops I did pop to purchase seasonal and festive food. My prize purchase was a huge spiky skinned pineapple, resplendent with crown. Thoughts of Piña colada at the forefront of my mind. I gave the pineapple a fitting place to be admired by guests in the living space, I knew they would be in awe of such a prize specimen ananas. I was as proud of that pineapple as I was of the three pedigree Great Danes that I owned at that time a beautiful family of father, mother and son. The father, very much the alpha and second in command.

I had to go to work, which was only downstairs in the bar. I popped back upstairs to check on the dogs. The dogs, all on their bed but looking very sheepish (not that dogs have expressions but they looked sheepish to me) - I knew something was amiss. Where's the poop? Is usually the first question but all three looked sheepish. I went into the living space and to my horror all that remained of my pineapple was the luscious and elegant crown.

Taking the crown I went to the dogs and knowing that they understood at last 25 words asked - "Who did this?" - usually one would give itself away but no they all cowered and tried to hide their faces from the pineapple crown. All guilty! Guilty, guilty, guilty. Still, animals what can you do. They knew they had done a very bad thing, we had a strict understanding about property ownership. I gave each a reprising nip on the ear to reinforce alpha command.

Business concluded for the day and time for bed. I was awoken at around 4am by the most awful half barks and yelping. Going to check on the dogs, the father was downstairs in the pub attempting to defecate but was having little success. OMG - I thought what is wrong with the poor soul. I was to quick to realise the source of the bad boys problem. Apparently he alone had consumed the pineapple. However, not understanding cause and effect he had not peeled the ultra spiky, thorny, irritating skin from the juicy flesh. And now behold, the pineapple skin being expelled from his anus not on the lovely smooth side but the scouring side. I had to assist with pulling the skin out because it was stuck and TBF I thing the dog had had enough.

That dog learnt another word, pineapple or specifically - Do you want some pineapple? would send the dog cowering to wherever was furthest away from the chance of pineapple. Like Les and chive soil.

tl:dr - Heh heh heh. That crazy Marmaduke.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 12:03, 25 replies)

The great thing about one's parents divorcing while you're young is
You can play them off emotionally against each other to get better presents.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 9:29, 7 replies)

Running a pub during the festive season is of course very lucrative and on the whole people
are full of the joys of Christmas whether naturally or through inebriation. Some however become too tired and emotional and suffer from Irish Ambassador Embassy party syndrome and begin to speak in vino veritas. Totally unacceptable behaviour and words and of course when as a responsible landlord you ask these people to modify their behaviour in about 100% of cases you are told to "fuck off you miserable cunt, Christmas innit."
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 9:16, 5 replies)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro' the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
but due to carbon monoxide poisoning, they were all dead.

Remember, get your boiler serviced.
( Muns, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 9:11, 5 replies)

I spent last Christmas with my stone cold fox of a wife and our daughter, drinking tinnies beside the 44000 litre saltwater pool.
And not having a weepy breakdown on the internet.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 8:26, 24 replies)

We once had a big ass ham for christmas that didn't get eaten, and went green about two weeks later so we binned it
Our dog fished it out of the bin and ate the whole rancid fucker. The first sign was when he vomited ham chunks on the carpet in front of us while we were watching the six million dollar man. the next few days he had uncontrollable diarrhea around the house, making little shit piles of macerated ham in some sort of yellowy goo. The hamshit seemed to go on forever.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 22:27, 8 replies)

In December 1990 we got our first fax machine in the office
It came with dire instructions that it was only to be used in emergencies and to help customers...or else.

Needless to say, our first fax* was to the branch up the road, an A4 sheet with the hand-scrawled legend:

MERRY CRIMBO! WE'VE GOT A FAX MACHINE!


*actually the second, because we put the paper the wrong way up first time.
(rogerzilla, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 19:58, Reply)

Something that 'parents' have got cornered now but still fun!
Last night, my brother came home from work to his kids and looked after them like a responsible adult and not some absentee overgrown toddler who wants to play at soldiers.

He didn't stick it on YouTube but then he didn't have a family because of massive insecurity and a lack of ambition.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 19:55, 22 replies)

I opened some presents
And ate some food, and drank some drinks.

Every year this has happened, in fact.
(SculptureOfMan Mmhmm, this IS a tasty burger!, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 19:44, 4 replies)

My great grandmother made a bit of money as a pub landlady so she was the one relative guaranteed not to be short of a penny or two
which is why for Christmas every year of the 1970s she gave us a selection of chip shop forks and ice cream spoons that she'd collected off Southport beach.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 19:38, 12 replies)

Christmas Eve charades...
My great aunt has a go.
Four words...
...TV show...

Right...

...fourth word...

And she starts miming hacking her leg off.
"Saw!"
"Cut!"
"Chop?" we shout out.
Her head shakes - and it's back to the mime of her sawing her leg off.
"Maim?"
"Sawing?"
"Amputate!!!"
Getting desperate now - not getting very far.
Until, eventually, we give up.

"What was it?" we ask her.
And so she tells us, exasperated.

"It was: Are You Being Severed", she explains.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 18:53, 1 reply)

Valuable lessons to learn as a potential young engineer.
.
"What do you want for Christmas?" whooped an overenthusiastic Auntie Winnie, trying to whip up excitement in a 9-year old me. AH WELL I might have an idea or two or thre hundred what you could buy for me, but I digress.....

I had been perusing a catalogue's Toy Section and saw the very thing- a miniature Space Ship Fighter Plane toy, flashing lights, tinny sound effects, 'real (sic) firing missiles'

"Please could I have a Space Fighter toy, flashing lights, sound effects, firing missiles?"

"We'll see what Santa Claus can do!" she whispered conspiratorially and winked, then went out shopping.

Come the big day, YES! A big wrapped present from Auntie Winnie and Uncle Charlie. Mad frenzy of tearing off the wrapping paper, holding the box aloft in adrenalised joy to see......what the heck is this?

This is NOT what I asked for! It's...hang on...slowly unboxed and examined....it's a Spacey type of tank....with flashing lights...that makes noises....and missiles that 'fire'...(flash, actually). My pouty mouth must have been downturned because Auntie Winnie was apologetic, as she whispered behind a palm to my nearby mother, eyebrows worried as though it was her fault.

I'd given her the specification for a product and the job she did with that specification was 100% accurate - when viewed from a certain angle - but Wrong. THE WRONG FLIPPING SPACESHIP. JESUS WOMAN, THIS IS A GROUND SPACE SHIP NOT A FLYING SPACE SHIP WHAT KIND OF IMBECILE WOULD.....

Tears started welling at the corner of my eyes as I had an excitement crash. Still managed to say a choked "'unk you" into her chubby bosom and give her a hug as I turned my damp eyes aside to not show my disappointment.

What a little shit. I would have given me NOTHING the next year.

Lesson to be learned- your specification of the final product should be unarguable with. It is correct, or it is not. If it is not, either you fucked up or they did. Try to be the one who did NOT fuck up, come the examination of specification drawings when you expect a wooden duck and get presented with a rubber donkey.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 19 Dec 2013, 17:58, 1 reply)

totally not mine, but one of my favourite posts ever
b3ta.com/questions/old_people_talk_bollocks/post6864
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 16:52, 12 replies)

Something Youtube has almost got cornered now, but in real life it's fun
2008, my brother was on tour in Iraq, and wasn't supposed to be home until the 28th, so would miss Christmas with the family.

He's in the air corp and wangled a flight home on the 24th, and called me to quietly arrange to pick him up at Brize Norton and take him back to our mothers house, where all our families were all assembling - about 15 people, including 6 kids.

(nobody except my other brother knew this was happening)

I grabbed a Santa suit on the way, picked him up and he changed in the car.

So I walk into my mothers house, and told the kids we had a surprise guest. He walks in, they all go 'yay! Santa!', then his 5 year old son recognises him and all fucking hell breaks loose.

Quite a merry Christmas.
(username failed moderation, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 16:44, 20 replies)

Before I did all my Xmas shopping on Amazon
I was shopping in town and I was draw in into a nightmare. By a horrible synchronization of the endless loops of Christmas 'favorites'

Every single shop I went in the song playing was 'I wish it could be Xmas everyday'

Every shop

It's fucking shit anyway but hearing it continuously made me almost loose the will to live. I gave up shopping before the self harm started.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 16:38, 3 replies)

For Christmas 1998 I treated myself to a gay holiday. This took place at a clothing optional
resort in Florida. There were different activities everyday and the food was very nice. The place really redefined, as camp as Christmas. One group of men invited me to play water sports with them, to cut a long and erotically charged story short I became quite good at water polo.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:56, 8 replies)

One Christmas Eve, when I was wrapping some parcels I heard a noise coming from the chimney breast
Long story short, I pissed in Santa's mouth.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:45, 4 replies)

There still won't be snow in Africa this christmastime.
Need to sort this ASAP. Canada can send some.
( Zuowan, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:41, 7 replies)

I wonder why you never hear my favourite christmas song on the radio anymore?
I guess i will never have Another Rock n Roll Christmas
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:37, 1 reply)

They've banned Christmas because it's offensive to Muslims.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:35, 4 replies)

. . . Samaritans. Then the phone went dead.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:34, Reply)

I once wanked with a handful of lametta and mincemeat
and now your retarded wife has AIDS.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:26, 3 replies)

One time all the labels from the presents fell off and I had to stick them on again.
You should've seen the trouble the next day!
Well, to cut a long story short, I pissed in my mouth.
( Zuowan, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:22, Reply)

I'M JEWISH YOU INSENSITIVE FUCKS

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:20, 8 replies)

IV
ivy! geddit?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:17, 2 replies)

TURD

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:14, Reply)

Second the best

(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:13, Reply)

First!

(SillyMoo, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:11, Reply)