I'm the lindbergh baby.
And I look good for my age ;)
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 16:48, Reply)

I was married for 17 years first time round
And during the whole of that time, I never told my wife that the up until the night before I met her I had been shagging her sister for a month....

This is absolutely true and even through our very acrimnonius split and subsequent drawn out divorce, I still never brought it up. Maybe I should have.

There were many times I was asked by her what I had done with my life - the answer "your sister" could have speeded up the process.
(penrose your dog's got tits, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 16:37, 5 replies)

I used to work in a garden centre
and our boss was fairly cool,all manners of different plant life existed there but part of the garden centre was totally dedicated to fruit trees and the boss man said we could eat what we wanted but for some reason wouldn't let us eat from the apple tree, his prize possession...needless to say this was like a red rag to a bull and me and one of the girls, let’s call her E, decided one day to nick a couple.

At this moment in storms the boss man, let’s call him G. He went fucking mental and shouted at us, man did that guy have a booming voice. I still remember the flecks of spit landing onto his big white beard, whilst he gave us the bollocking of our life’s. I felt bad about this as I was sacked but so was E, We were told never to come back to the garden centre ever again...I miss that place life seemed a lot more innocent then :(
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 16:23, 3 replies)

well....
my first snog was with my mums step sister who was easier than a two piece jigsaw puzzle!
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 16:12, Reply)

I smoked
And/or snorted MASSIVE DRUGS and pooped a Honda Civic.

They weren't massive enough for an Accord
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 16:06, Reply)

i did a big job
I had a very posh gf once and was round her house to meet all her family

After eating with fork the right way and everything, I needed a massive Brad Pitt

After doing the business, the damn thing was still there after two flushes. the place was far too posh to have a bog brush, so I broke a big twig out of a wicker picnic basket thing that had the towels in (as you do)

I Zorro'd my job into salami pieces, wiped the twig and flushed

Only one problem, where to put the stick

Needless to say, I widdled it back into the basket and it may well be still there

Length? It was poking out the top
(Darth Vodka, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:52, 5 replies)

First time. Go easy.
I was the one who ruined Christmas for baby bro when we were but sprogs, by sliding the plastic tray of his Advent calendar out of its perforated cardboard cover, removing the foil over the final day's chocolate treat, eating said treat slightly more hastily than would have been pleasurable and then putting the whole thing back together for him to discover just as he was expecting the biggest, tastiest, most Father-Christmas-shaped treat in the whole calendar.

I was about fourteen; he was about seven.

He sobbed for an hour, suddenly and brutally exposed to a new and frighteningly grown-up kind of self-doubt: Had he really been as good a little boy as mummy had assured him?


Father Christmas answered his question the next morning, perhaps ambiguously, with a book about world records.
(gobsh, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:39, 2 replies)

On a motorcycle trip to the Arctic Circle...
Once you get to the only road that crosses the line, there's a small cairn field and a six-armed statue holding aloft a globe which marks the Arctic Circle. A truly bizarre place where, for part of the year, the sun never sets and at the other end of the cycle, never rises. The trees and vegetation just... stop. The ice holds the land in the north in its death grip. Nothing lives. It's a truly wonderful landscape - one that'll stay with me for the rest of my life.

Anywho, sub sixth-form levels of lazy, faux-dramatic sentence construction aside, there's also a monument to the Norwegians killed in the Nazi invasion and occupation during World War II.

As I walked past this, on the way back from the somewhat secluded Arctic Circle marker, three German riders, who'd travelled around 2500 miles on Harley Davidsons to the spot asked me to take a photograph of them in front of the marker. The wrong marker.

And so I did. I took a photo of three German gentlemen grinning and giving thumbs up while leaning on a statue commemorating the wartime dead and didn't say a word.

Gulp. Satan has a nice, sharp pitchfork picked out ready for me...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:38, Reply)

This QOTW is crying out for the legend that is frankspencer to return to the board.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:29, 10 replies)

It's for certain, I'm hellbound.
My kids tell me that my ex wife has been in the hospital lately for being severely anemic. It seems that she's been having significant internal bleeding and has been weak and woozy from blood loss. They did an endoscopy to look around in her digestive tract.

Apparently she has bleeding internal hemorrhoids. She got out of surgery yesterday.

When the kids told me of this the first thing I thought was "I always said she was so uptight that one day her sphincter would implode."

I think my kids were somewhat offended when I had to struggle to keep from pissing myself.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:28, Reply)

I'm sorry
I was given the Kylie and Jason single, Especially For You, when I was a teenager. I'm now 35 and I still have it...in perfect condition. I'll admit I liked that song at the time...and...um...erm....still do....kind of.
(scotsbloke, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:26, 2 replies)

20 years ago at Sixth Form
In the music suite there were a couple of other small rooms called practice rooms. Me and anywhere upto a dozen others used to treat one of them like our own personal common room and it would contain at least one or two of us at any given moment with almost everybody in there at lunchtime. One morning, I had a free period but probably due to a combination of lessons and absences, I was only one in there.

So I had a wank and then spunked into the piano.

To add to the fun, I opened the lid again to see my juices running down the bass strings, so I played a few chords and watched it buzz about the strings in an amusing way
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:26, 4 replies)

I shot the deputy
and tried to blame it on some singer who had previously shot the deputies boss
(gaylord stinchcomb Ridicule is nothing to be scared of. AIDS is., Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:11, 5 replies)

Carnal Curry
Many years ago, my girlfriend and I had a session exploring the possibilities offered by various foodstuffs in our bedroom activities. The whipped cream and taramasalata got eaten, and the black forest gateau and watermelon were a write-off, but we had some perfectly servicable courgettes left over.

Being impecunious students, and not being squeamish, we decided that it made perfect sense to cook with these erstwhile dildos, and a vegetable curry was duly constructed for the evening meal.

That's not the confession. The confession is that, when a rather dour Born-Again-Christian acquaintance of ours called around, we generously offered to share our meal with him.

Sorry mate, but those courgettes had been places you hadn't. Still, you seemed to enjoy it.

Luckily, I don't believe in Hell. Or Hull.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:07, 6 replies)

Bless me B3ta for I have sinned.
I was once given a copy of the Keane album 'Hope and Fears'. And despite me being too cool for skool (or whatever it is the kids say these days), not only did I listen to it, I actually quite enjoyed bits of it.

I'm so so sorry.

Additionally, I don't really fuck dogs.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:07, 1 reply)

i pissed in my brother's bed
that'll teach him to hit me with a chairleg.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 15:05, 6 replies)

Dear mum
I drink way more than i say i do. I take drugs and i failed college. I also don't brush my teeth twice a day.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:53, 1 reply)

I'm somehow related to Eva Braun
Depending on which documents exist, my grandfather says she is his paternal aunt, all I can find says cousin or second cousin if anything. So anyways, do I qualify for the nazi discount on all purchases or just above a set price? I really hope that it's still as much as Hitler got or at least close, the 20 percent does help you know.

Confession? Well, ok, I would still probably bang katie price, I just wanna see the results of her std test first, that's the only dealbreaker/maker.

Not that kind of confession? Oh! Sorry your papalness, sins? Nah, I'm protestant! And proud of it! I can just say I'm sorry and I'm forgiven.

You still wanna hear one? Ok, so once upon a time, to get even with a guy, I got some rock candy pieces, some iodine, and mixed them together a bit. The result looked like crack. I wrapped it up and planted it in his car and notified the cops. He got arrested and charged with possession, distribution, and fraud since it was fake. He never got any real jail time, just a big govt. frowny face on everything, oh and he can't enjoy a lot stuff now as he is still a convicted felon. He deserved it though, he tried to rape my sister, and just kicking his ass wasn't enough, and the cops didn't do anything about that.

Ninja edited for cosmetic reasons
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:49, 10 replies)

easter eggs
yes, it was me that took the packets of mint poppets out of everyone's easter eggs and ate them when i was 9. yes, i did laugh when my brother got a smacked arse for being a "greedy, spiteful little shit" and getting me off the hook, albeit unintentionally.

no, i'm not sorry.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:37, 3 replies)

A long time ago, in a different career...
I was at a military training facility for electrical engineers (remember that bit)

One of the guys on teh course (let's call him 'M') lived in the room downstairs. According to his room-mates, M's evening rotated around the various soaps and refused to wear headphones as the other room-mates wanted to watch alternative programming.

I was asked to intervene. (as a fully trained elec. eng before starting the training)

One day his TV miraculously stopped working. nothing difficult, i just opened the plug and screwed the live down onto the insulation. The plug would look sound to non-techincal types, however, as he was in training to do such things as fault finding on electrical equipment, i expected M to easily identify the issue.

Not so. M comes to me the day after asking if i'll take a look at the TV. I can hardly say 'No', can I. I take the back off and complain at him for not keeping the inside of the TV clean and get him to hoover it out. I take a quick look around, do a few tests, but 'can't find the fault'. I offer to take the TV to a friend of mine who happens to do TV repair. M agrees.

the TV spends the rest of the course in my cupboard - obviously not being repaired - until the last day at which i hand him the TV back, plug having been sorted, and charged him £20.

It bought a round for the class at the leaving do.

Sorry M.
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Forgive me father for I have faked an orgasm.
Luckily there was no-one around at the time to notice.
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:33, 2 replies)

Ok I admit it
when I swore I left her safe and sound by the river I might have been bending the truth a little
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:29, 3 replies)

Hiroshima desecration
This was written about a year ago, for a different B3ta QOTW, but because my account was new, I couldn’t post it. Suffice to say it has been a terrible weight, or wait. Maybe both.

--

When I saw this weeks question, I had to sign up, finally, to B3TA. Absolution for my sins?

Japan, Hiroshima - more specifically the Holocaust memorial museum...
So I'm in Japan with my friend, on the way back to the UK. He knows someone from Bristol now working in Tokyo. We all go to Hiroshima together and stay in a traditional Japanese businessman's hotel - awesome cultural experience!! Recommend it (so long as someone can talk in funny symbols)

Anyway, of course we go to visit the original ground-zero, site of the monument and museum. And me being me, I'm taking my time, soaking it up, and my friend (and his friend) have got a bit ahead. Anyway - I notice this well cute lad with a group of other older teens. Some sort of organised trip - college Japanese perhaps?

And we're working our way through the exhibits - except he seems to be dropping back as well. Hmmmmm.

Half way through, there are the facilities. I decide I need a ‘piss’... So walk past the museum guard and stand at urinal thingy. Sure enough, about a minute (or three) later, cute boy walks in, throws me a glance over his shoulder and goes into cubicle.

Soon thereafter, he's like "I want you to fuck me" [he's English it turns out] and I'm like "I don't have time - or a condom" (and thinking about my ex-flatmate telling me how noisy I used to be when fucking my ex-boyfriend - and that there's a guard dude just outside)

So anyway - I don't fuck him, lots of other (quiet) fun is had... and we're on our ways, I catch up with my friend and his friend outside - I tell him I was just reading all the posters etc of course...
So anyway - if we were straight, it could have been some testimony to the continued survival of humanity or something - but we weren’t - I cruised a teenage boy (18ish) and then swallowed his cum in the toilets in the middle of the Hiroshima Holocaust monument/museum - I didn't read any of the displays much beyond the entrance – and I am so ashamed. ;-)
(phineal_algebra, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:29, Reply)

Forgive me mother
My mum was and still is an avid gardener. During my teenagers years I would regularly volunteer to light the heater in her greenhouse. (for the unitiated this is basically an adjustable wick in a pan of paraffin). I did however have an ulterior motive... it meant I could have a cheeky cigarette whilst I did it.

All was going reasonably well as I tugged away on an Embassy No 1 that I'd "borrowed" from my dad. In hindsight I probably should have been paying a little more attention. Leaning down to stub out the cigarette I noticed the unusual orange hue at the far end of the greenhouse. Whilst puffing away and contemplating how dirty Jessica Browne must be in bed I hadn't realised that I had put a little too much paraffin in the heater. By now the entire heater (not just the wick) and the staging (its a posh word for wooden shelves in a greenhouse apparently) were now totally engulfed in flames.

It my panic, I grabbed the large and handily placed jug of water sat on the floor. Deciding the fire was getting out of hand I threw the contents at the inferno that used to be her tomatoes...

and it would have worked perfectly....

had it been water in the jug and not 2 litres of Paraffin.

Surprised doesn't do it justice... I stood there open mouthed, gawping as the cucumbers disappeared into the blaze. Thinking quickly I ran down the garden and grabbed the hose. Eventually I managed to put out Hades greenhouse. Before returning indoors and pretending nothing had happened. So some 15 years later...

Mum, im afraid the paraffin heater didn't raze your greenhouse. I did, so sorry!
(skintagain, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:28, 1 reply)

If it's illegal, is it a sin?
I don't think so. Insider trading, Singapore, a few years ago. Boss tacitly encouraged. Shat in a jiffy bag and posted it to him, before doing another legger
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:27, Reply)

I shagged his daughter, and he came after me
I shot him in the arse with a nailgun. Then jumped bail and hopped across the border
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:25, Reply)

He didn't notice it instantly
Dragged my hindquarters across another lads bed in the dorm, like a dog would. I was a frontwiper at the time, but hadn't done so for a day or two
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:24, Reply)

To the Wife...
Yes, i did go to a lap dancing club whilst on holiday with my two mates.

Yes, i did enjoy it.

Yes, i do see what men get out of it.

Yes, i would do it again, given half the chance.
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:22, Reply)

Don't drink on your lunch break.
Bless me Father Manuel, for I have sinned. On my lunch break I had two pints on an empty stomach. I'm now too relaxed to give a shit about the smallest thing ever.

*hic*
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:19, Reply)

Dear Pope.
I had a wank in the toilets at the Vatican. And I'd do it again.
( Zuowan, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:15, 10 replies)