Virgin On The Ridiculous
Trying to cope with hangover as I write...

One of the half decent things about the broadband provided by Richard Branson-pickle features was that it didn't seem to have the butt-munching 'fair usage' policy that other 'unlimited' providers seemed to have.

My mate (Furious 'D' again, but I have got more friends than just him I promise you) was with BT but they cut him off becuase he kept exceeding their 'fair usage' download limit of 9 bytes a millenium. My brother uses Tiscali to add stuff to his p0rn collection - but they slow him down to a crawl and most evenings stop his connection entirely. Twat-tacklers.

Virgin, as I bragged to them all, was 'truly' unlimited...full speed, all the time, download constantly....'Fair usage?' - PAH! - I fling my toenail clippings at your fair usage! - I'm UNLIMITED!

unlimited?

UNLIMITED MY 'RIBBED-FOR-HER-PLEASURE' SHINY PINK BELL-END.

6pm on the dot...my BB speed now goes from 4MB per second to 4B a week....and there it stays until I get up in the morning and find that diddley squill has downloaded all night. What a great use of electricity. Then I go to work and it kicks in again.

I check their website (from work) and find out that for new customers, you get twice the broadband speed for half what I'm currently paying?

So I call them...deep breath...

Me: What the fucking fuckety McFuck fuck fucking hell are you fucking about with my fucking broadband for, fuckdish?

Token Cunt: 'A thousand apologies' (hopefully, from the atrocious verbal stereotyping I use you'll get the idea that I'm not talking to an englishman here)...what we are havings is a fair usage policy.

Me: A Whaaaaa???...ARRRRGGHHHHH! You utter bags of freshly squirted bum sausage! And why do I pay more than everybody else? In fact, that's it - THE FINAL SUCK-MONKEYING STRAW!! Shove your 'service' up your clay-hole cunt-biscuits!

TC: Ooh blinking flip mate...Let me be puttings you through to our sales department and they'll sort out a loyalty pack lickety-split...

Me: If only you knew how much I hated you all...

Different TC: Ah, Mr flake - how about 10MB Broadband, going up to 20MB this summer, all for what you're paying now?

Me: You're sure? I want proof, you spunk-sniffer

TC: The discount will show on your bill

Me: I don't believe you...any of you..I have your first names...give me your surnames...

TC: We're not allowed to. Company Policy.

Me: So I've got no comeback when it no doubt turns out that you've just been blowing smoke up my arse...AGAIN?

TC: Your upgrade will be activated by 6pm sir.

Me: You're all cunts (hang up)

I go home...6pm...and...........

10MB Broadband! - Get in there - yay, woohoo etc.

For 5 minutes...then fair usage policy kicks in and it slows down to fuckpot-all again.

Pfffft

Now I'm a trusting soul you all know, but the next day I ring them up again.

Me: I spoke to a couple of your cunt-cakes yesterday. They've slightly upped my Broadband and said I was getting a discount. Can you confirm this for me please?

TC: We have a record of the upgrade, but no record of a discount...




Mmmf


Me: YAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHH!...(sob) Fuck...(sniff) Oh fuck, fuck fuck...you've done it again...DO YOU WANT ME TO GO ON A KILLING SPREE? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FUCKERS???

THUD THUD THUD(Sound of my head hitting wall, phone, floor etc)


All I can say is thank my sweet ass I have a starview box which means I get all the TV channels for free.

Did I mention that they were cunts?

Oh, and so are the councils...(Phew, nearly went off topic then!)

Length? About 45 minutes on hold and 2.5 minutes of being treated like piss on a rope.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 2 Aug 2007, 12:30, Reply)

Computers.
Computerised systems + Automated phones = Efficient. That's the theory anyway.
Bollocks.
Setting up Council tax = Took two months to get on their system.
Setting up Water Account = One month, one letter, two e-mails, about 50 hours hanging on the phone , before I got to speak to anybody.
Trying to get a refund on credit card = Three weeks and five phone calls before anybody got round to e-mailing the right department.
And so on.
Or maybe the system would work if the people that use it aren't such a bunch of disinterested mongs.
(Big D, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 12:14, Reply)

Someone below mentioned
that many council employees seem to be a bit 'special'. This is utterly true, but here we have one man who epitomises the very nature of a Council worker. His name is is irrelevant, but he;

Storms around the office, arms flapping by his sides, like a chicken.
He clucks, like a chicken.
His head darts about and he stares, wide-eyed and totally unblinking, like a chicken.
His hair is a ruffled, feathery mess, like a chicken.

I almost think he could actually be a real chicken.

Except, sometimes, he barks like a dog.
*ruff*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 11:46, Reply)

Hello...?
I have nothing against disabled people, I think of everybody equally. In other words, everybody's a useless, scum-sucking twunt in my eyes. But there is one disability that hacks me off more than I could even begin to describe, deafness, and here's why...

One day the phone rings
Me: Hello, planning department, how can I help you?
Them: I'm sorry, I'm deaf, you'll have to speak up a bit.
Me: (thinking maybe they have one of those fancy phones that converts talk to text) HI, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
Them: I'm sorry, I still can't hear you, I'm deaf, please speak up.
Me: (raising my voice, now the whole office is listening) I'M SORRY, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?!
Them: Hello? Hello? I'm sorry, I'm deaf, please speak up, hello?
Me: (sounding like Dom Joly in Trigger HAPPY TV) HELLO!?!?! HELLO!?!?! HOW CAN I HELP YOU?!?!
Them: I'm deaf... hello?

Repeat this scenario three times a week for a month, until this happens:

Me: Hello, Planning Department, how can I help?
Them: I'm sorry, I'm deaf, you'll have to speak up a bit.
Me: Don't use a fucking phone then.

*Click* Brrr...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 11:39, Reply)

My County Council
Back when I was at school, I was (un)lucky enough to live in the middle of nowhere, miles from the school itself, and was therefore entitled to a free bus pass to get me there and back again every day.

Yay - excepting that the bus was a 30 year old shitty double decker thing that permanently smelt like piss, leaked when it rained, and required me to sit on it for one hour each way every goddamn day. But anyway...

I was supposed to receive this bus pass every year that I went to the school, and being issued by the council it was nothing flash, just a bit of card that had been filled out by one of the council monkeys and laminated. They were supposed to send these to the school towards the end of each school year for the next one if you see what I mean, however...

They never, ever, managed to get mine to me on time. Not once from the age of 11 until the age of 18. Every single year, in September, my poor mother would have to phone them to ask where it was, be told that I wasn't entitled to it, that I was entitled to it, that it would be sent to school, to our house, to the fucking bus company...and one would eventually arrive around mid-October (I still had to catch the bus before this happened, often begging the bus driver to let me on) with the promise that it had all been noted and wouldn't happen again the next year. Fucking liars. Of course it did.

The really bad thing is that my sister started at the same school when I was in my last year there. And guess what?!? They never got her bus pass sorted out for her either!

Incompetent twats.
(Kelpy22 wants to get drunk and play pingpong on, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 11:37, Reply)

NTL - Wankers
My boyfriend and I moved into our flat more than 14 months ago. He had NTL at his old address, so we thought we would get it transferred to our new address as it was pretty cheap and essential for work. It took about 30 minutes to arrange an appointment for one of their engineers to come round and check if we could have NTL in our area. When they finally arrived it took them all of 2 seconds to tell us that they would need to reconsruct the entire road for us to be able to gain internet access. Needless to say the landlord wasn't overly keen so we called NTL to let them know that we wouldn't be pursuing this avenue. More than 14 months later, we are still receiving bills for TV and internet that we don't even have, was never installed and that was cancelled from my boyfriend's previous address. I really want them to take us to court, as I'd love to see their defence. If it's anything like their billing department I would imagine that it'd be most "special". Does anyone else ever want to visit the NTL office and just wee on their carpet?
(madamebonsoir, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 11:33, Reply)

Traffic lights.
Brother TFBB and I went to collect my dad from the train station. We took our usual route and discovered the light which changed to green to allow people to turn right was borked.

I ring the council to inform the light was buggered, and asked them to sort it out. I got passed around to four departments, and had to explain myself to each one. How hard can it be to tell the person my call was being transferred to what the problem was? More to the point, why did they not connect me to the right people to start with?

Anyhoo, the light eventually got fixed, and then broke again a few months later. I think they used black tape to fix it. Twats.
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Thu 2 Aug 2007, 11:26, Reply)

Gwent Magistrates
AUGUST

About 4 years ago.

My boss kindly informed me that he had recieved a notice of intended prosecution for speeding. Bugger thought I,(for I was the driver) and proceeded to fill in my details.

I was in the proccess of buying my first house at the time.

NOVEMBER

Its 3 days before We get the keys to our new house and I casually mention to the boss that I have recieved nothing in relation to the speeding offence(90mph A449 wales)
and that what a shame it was that I was moving out.

He then points out that he recieved a letter the WEEK before, saying that there was no response from the address that he had given. This letter also asked for the address to be supplied again.

As one who enjoys three points and a sixty quid fine every now and again I quite honestly gave my NEW address.

DECEMBER

Recieve letter stating that as my twenty eight day period is up to respond to this fine they are taking me to court.

GOOD.

I will enjoy fighting my case.

JANUARY

Recieve letter stating that I will recieve a letter shortly regarding the time and date of my court appearance.

MARCH

Recieve letter stating that in MY ABSCENCE the judge had ruled that I pay £500 and get FIVE points added to my license!!

WTF!!!

Someone is taking a liberty.


JULY

After many many phone calls and leters, I go see my solicitor and pay him ten pounds and sign a statuary declaration.(no notice of prosecution)

AUGUST

Recive letter from court saying that they have looked into this case and given me a complete discharge and all bets are off.

WOO HOO


Dick heads

*edit* Did you notice how I missed a letter out of the word letter. Oh the irony
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 10:40, Reply)

wedding complaints
now that something i did do well on.

list it, cowboy

1. Wedding rings ordered, turn up wrong size with 2 days to go. Had 10% discount and free courier to home.
2. Wedding suits. Not clean. in fact had what looked like a cum stain on lapel. 4 new suits, delivered to home (14 miles from shop) in a taxi at 8pm night before wedding. 100% discount. Manager had to be convinced that bridegroom with cum stain is not acceptable to be "sponged off" (probably what happened before). Well done moss bros bournemouth.
3. Venue. Some twat smoked a cigar UNDER THE SMOKE ALARM. All guests at Hilton bournemouth ejected into the night at 11.30pm. £500 of wine bill became gratis, and a suite was available for our use on honeymoon at hilton not bournemouth. the mrs was happy with Fireman turning up, just as they were with a drunken bride and bridesmaids.
4. One of the 2 technics 1210's broke down so the £1700 hire charge was waived for the whole sound system. (lucky a mate had a spare at home - 20 mins with a CD and we didn't notice).

It wasn't a bad result from complaining - but it hasn't replaced the 10years i lost off my life through stress.

Keep at them people. If they think they can grind you down with piss poorness so you go away they will.
And break the cycle. Be the best you can. Theres too much shit karma floating about. sometimes being nice to the phone monkey does get you what you want. don't assume they have no power to help at all, but once you know they haven't move up the chain until you find one that do.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 2 Aug 2007, 10:38, Reply)

Way of topic but fuck it, QotW should change soon...
My wife come home from a team meeting sporting an attractive purple wrist-band, similar to those yellow end testicles or white cure poverty ones. This one was part of their customer service improvement scheme and that every time you thought about complaining you were supposed to swap the wrist the stupid band was on.

I nodded and hmm-hmmed appropriately (can you tell I'm married?).

I then pointed out that I complained:
To our wedding venue. Refund - £600.
To my Bank. Refund - £30.
And to our Water Company. Refund - £70.
Wife taking off wrist band - priceless.

My personal favourite is the water board. OFWAT has given the water boards 10 or 20 days in which to respond to your complaints. So I got £70 just for complaining!

Polite and calm before mentioning legal bodies and terms and conditions. Never put up with incompetence, admittedly government is institutionalised and protected incompetence and there's pretty much no hope of every changing that...
( Weejock, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 10:23, Reply)

-> bugboybeast
Refuge collection wagons?

Would this be Soylent Green Borough Council?
( eXOBeX, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 10:23, Reply)

AND
thames water. last summer, in baking hot july, i was living in a houseshare of 5 girls in west london. one weekend my flatmate caro and i got home at about 2am on fri night. caro was absolutely hammered and dived straight into my bathroom to call ralph. and again. and again. there were wild geese across europe returning the call.

then she tried to flush the toilet. doom. no water. we looked out of the window. great. thames cunting water works right outside our house. thanks for telling us you were cutting off the water in the hottest july on record you bunch of twats.

unfortunately the next day, we were leaving at 7am to go away for the weekend. the water was still off... and we had to leave a toilet piled high with aftershock sticky red vomit... in that heat.

we got back on monday and the smell was indescribable. you could smell it from the kitchen, and my bedroom/bathroom was in the attic. but the water was still off. we poured about 25 bottles of evian into the tank to get rid of the vomit, but none of us could shower, bathe, cook...

my flatmates said they had complained repeatedly to thames water who kept bleating that there were no problems in our area. so i picked up the phone and lost it with them. it is so disgusting to have to schlep all your stuff into work feeling hot and sticky after a night of no sleep in that heat... and then have wet towels etc under your desk all day...

turns out the cunts had cut off a waterpipe that served our house only. and because we hadn't reported it as such - we had just said water cut off - we weren't entitled to compensation. i did apologise for not having the x-ray vision needed to see through concrete paving slabs, but that wasn't sufficient.

sorry i made you lose a minute of your own life reading this, but at least it doesn't smell of crusty vomit...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 10:00, Reply)

I love my dad. Really.
I haven't had too many dealings with the local council, although there have been enough for me to realise they really are utter cunts.

I do, however, recall an instance back in the days when mum still dressed me.
My sisters and I, ready for school, were interrupted by the sound of dad cursing at the top of his lungs from outside. Mum ran out to see what was the matter (and we poked out heads just past the front door to see what was happening).

Oh no. They couldn't be that incompetant.

During the night, the council had taken it upon themselves to repair the street. Not the whole street, mind you, just the short stretch in front of the driveway of my parents house. That's right. No driving was to be done for a while.

You'd think the council would have informed those who'd be affected by it. Did they? Did they fuck.

My father, who's one of those scary people you don't want to be on the wrong side of, called the council and gave them a long, loud and abusive piece of his mind, telling them in no uncertain terms exactly what their little fiasco had cost my parents and where they could go stick their resurfaced road.

I've no idea exactly what dad said, but I've got to start learning things from him. Both parents received cheques from the council for their "patience and undue stress".

Result.
(is0lati0n, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 9:53, Reply)

i spent
90 mins on the phone to and being hung up on by virgin last night from 11pm onwards as i really needed the internet for legal research for court today... turns out when they bill and collect money and write letters about what you owe, they don't include broadband in this. oh no, despite signing up for a complete package, they think you really really want it separately and the hassle of two accounts and two bills. so when you get a "final demand" because cutting off their DD was the only way to get a response, it's not actually "final" at all. no, no, you owe ANOTHER #54 ms swipe... speak to credit control (who are open when you are at work only) and they'll then need 24-48 hours to reconnect you.

and because 99% of the fucking phone monkeys don't speak english, it took 25 mins to establish this. apparently they've been emailing my broadband bill to me. oh yeah? i've never had it. which address?

what's that? you don't have my email address? yes, i know you don't, i've been saying that for the last hour you utter bunch of sweaty ball bag sucking cocklickers.

anyway, the moral of the story is, shout loudly enough and like magic eventually a supervisor will be found to take the payment and to reconnect the service INSTANTLY.

now i just need to sue them for taking the last 5 years off my life.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 9:48, Reply)

Sheffield Council
Had an idea to put speed humps around the area where i live. Not only that but they proposed to narrow the road width at bus stops to one lane. This apparantly was to force traffic away from the area and onto main roads as most of the traffic is just passing through our area. When it came down to the consultation period they sent a questionaire around the area to see what residents wanted. Now this is all fair enough and fine and dandy so far.
Now we get down to the twuntage....
Most of the traffic coming into our area is actually people who live nearby going to and from work i.e its the people who live there who use the roads.
The questionaire that was sent out was, shall we say, incomplete to say the least. Some houses didn't get one (notably one large house that has 3 cars) My house did get one but it was addressed to my wife, the one person in the house that doesn't drive.
Taking the results of this all inclusive opinion poll of none motorists in the area the cnuts at the council said that 95% wanted the traffic calming methods and so they went ahead.
They then proceeded to cause chaos and disruption for around a year as they fitted the new speed bumps and narrowed the road. Of course they didn't bother repairing the many potholes and cracks in the road caused by years of neglect and haphazard repair.
It was then found that the speed bumps that they had put in were breaking up as being council installed they were put in shoddily (cue more disruption as new speed bumps were installed at further cost to the tax payer).
Whats more down one steep road the action and pressure of cars going over a speed bump were cracking a major water main which ran under that road. (out came that one only to be replaced by one slightly smaller)
Now the work is completed we have a bigger mess than before. Anytime a bus stops nothing can pass on either side of the road causing massive bottlenecks of traffic. Because people travelling on the roads generally live in the area they cannot divert to main roads (especially since the council have closed many minor roads)and thus at rush hour we have lots of backed up traffic belching fumes out. The main roads are busier and jammed up (again traffic fumes anyone), the roads are breaking up due to poor repair and everyone is slightly more stressed out from there journey to work.

Just once i would like to see a council road scheme in Sheffield that has been thought through before it is hastily implemented. Of course this will never happen as Sheffield council hate motorists
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 9:45, Reply)

Not me but my fiance...
He works for NTL (now virgin) and they are as rubbish to their staff as they are to their customers. They've screwed him over his money more times than i can mention and are just rude to him when he asks them to sort it out and please dont do it again.
Some of the stories about the people he works with are priceless. They connect customers to other customers when they ring, answer the phones and then put it on silent, purposefully not fill in the details and generally lie to everyone that rings. They are indeed a bunch of vindictive twats who think that everyone who rings is beneath them and not worth their time to help.
Not my fiance tho, he's nice and keeps getting told off for spending too much time (more than 5 min) on the phone with customers and ringing them back trying to sort out their problems. Also he always puts free time on and credits their bills when he says he will. There are some (about 5) intelligent people working for NTL but they are managed by such fucktards that all their good effort is undone in about a nanosecond.
More to the theme - my mate wanted to stay in the council flat she had after she hit 16 but they wouldn't let her and told her the only way to keep it was to get pregnant! Woo hoo for Dudley, home of pre-teen pregnancy!
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 9:21, Reply)

Salford Shitty Cnutsil
When I was at Uni I got a letter through the door of the house saying they were changing the collection day for our rubbish (I think it was from a Wednesday to a Thursday, but it was one day later anyways).

Verily I resolved to put out the bag one day later. Except I was woken on the earlier day by the bin lorry going past.

"Fine," thinks I, "they are doing 2 collections to cover the fact that people may not have read the flyer (what with it looking like junk mail an' all and covered in other Cnutsil propoganda about how they recycle an' all).

Nope, bin bag remains un-collected. So I phone. "No, sir, you will have to take it back in and put it out next week."

"Bite Me! I put it out on the day you said."

"Well it will be classed as fly-tipping. You will get a fine."

"Prove it."

Bin bag was moved to other side of road next to derelict factory. Council twunt shows up, rummages through bag (no doubt having been tipped off by my phone call) and can find nothing with my address as I am a paranoid type and own a shredder. Departs.

Bin bag remains there until the following week, by which time the local foxes have spreak most of my Kentucky Fried Gizzard remains across the factory frontage.

If they can send someone to come and check for identifying information while wearing the full gloves, smock, paper mask getup, surely he could've just put the bag in the back of the van afterwards and taken it away ... Oh who am I to think that would be sensible ... ? Instead they then sent another bloke with same outfit and one of those 'picky-uppy' sticks to clean up.

Length? Most of the street.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 9:08, Reply)

OLDHAM COUNCIL
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Oldham council.
In their infinite wisdom bought an entire new fleet of refuge collection wagons before realising they were too big to fit thru the many narrow winding streets we have in Oldham. (Pure speculation that the Council's CEO is also the MD of the privately run refuge service.)
Removed about 2 dozen sets of speed humps around town much to the annoyance of safety groups - only to replace them 1 month later with new speed humps IN EXACTLY THE SAME SPOTS. (Pure speculation that the assistant CEO is also the MD of the privately contracted building firm that removed and replaced the humps.)
Vandalised about 20,000 graves by knocking over the headstones becuase of health and safety fears (god forbid some chav hurts himself whilst he is descreting graves) and then after the public outcry sent bills to the next of kin to replace all the headstones.
Cycle lanes that are literally 2 or 3 yards long, totally discontinoius, and in the wrong areas of town.
I could go on and on and on, but the length would be too much.
"SIGH"
(bugboybeast, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 8:24, Reply)

Croydon Council (again)
Nearly 10 years ago now, my mum's car got towed away because someone put a leaflet over the parking permit. After my parents had reported the car stolen, the police suggested phoning the council car pound, who confirmed that they had it. When they looked under the leaflet on the windscreen, they noticed that they had in fact overlooked the valid parking permit there. They still refused to accept that their parking warden was wrong and my mum had to pay for a taxi to the car pound to pick it up. I mean really, how much intelligence do you need to look underneath a leaflet on the windscreen?

The parking rules are enforced from 7am to midnight 7 days a week here. I don't personally care, since I am a pedestrian and also sometimes a cyclist, but the local residents feel very strongly about it.
( lrjlo, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 0:37, Reply)

My brother in law
Works for the local city council...he's ok but some of the peeps he works with...they kind of make you realise that this is why local govt is the way it is...

For example, one of his close work colleagues, had time off sick to visit the doctor, because she thought she blinked too much.....

hmmmmm.....
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 0:36, Reply)

"Kindred Spirits" I reckon…
Now, I’m pissed as I type this…and getting pissder (& I know it’s Wednesday)…but bear with me…

The key words you mentioned rachelswipe (you beauty btw) was “I was promised”. The reminder of that phrase pushed me over the NTL edge.

NTL (now beardy-wierdy-tastic) have fucked me about for sooo long I can’t even remember when it started…

Something always happens…like I get a bill that is not even within the remotest stratosphere of what I should be paying the nob-faced arse-kettles.

So I call the scrotum-poles….go on hold for what seems like currently about 11 years in total….and it begins...

Actually, sometimes I’m nice to them(when there’s an attractive sounding girlie on the phone), but sometimes I rant and call them fuckybuckets (when there's a cock-custard sucking flid-bag on the phone). Either way it ends the same…

I have been 'promised' in the past (brace yourselves, here comes a whizzbang of a list):

• Free mega-package (or whatever it’s called) TV for a month
• Free double speed broadband for a year with discount so I only pay the same as usual
• All my NTL bills paid for me for the next 3 months
• Despite being an existing customer, I would be entitled to all ‘brand new customers only’ offers

What was the problem with these ‘promises’?

THEY WERE ALL UTTER BOLLOCKS.

Oh they’ll give you what’s on the list above…every time...it’s just that they’ll charge you on your bill like you begged for it AT FULL FUCKING SPUNK-MY-MONEY-AGAINST-THE-WALL PRICE.

So I try and get through to them to say (after long 'on hold time'):

Me: ‘Oh, I spoke to Hayley and she assured me I would get this service for free, my bills paid for the inconvenience and an extra TV package’?

Token Cunt (Close friends get to call him ‘TC’ – sung to the tune of ‘Top Cat’): “No sir, that is not on our records. How about we promise to give you the next year for free instead? Or pay your bills for the next three months?”

Me: “can I have that in writing?”

TC : “I’m afraid we can’t do that sir, but you will see that adjustment in your next bill”

Me: “I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT THIS TIME YOU BUNCH OF RAMPANT CUM-GUZZLERS”

TC:” That’s not very nice but we understand your distress. How about free broadband for the next 20 years?”

Me: “OK”

(Slight exaggerations for comedy purposes)

…And so on until the next bill. This has been going on for yonks now. I pay so much…they give me squidge-all. They are the only people I have ever been motivated enough to actually write and post a letter of complaint to. The subsequent (8 weeks later) reply was so flippant, nonchalant and patronising that it made me want to ram a knitting needle into my forehead.

It’s not too much to ask…I just want to wrap my wanking spanners round the throat of every (former) NTL employee and shout “WHY MEEEEEEE???”

Sorry for length...and for not mentioning councils whatsoever...I do tend to go on when I’m shit-faced
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 2 Aug 2007, 0:19, Reply)

I cannot believe...
... that no one has mentioned (*) the very worst council of all. The sheer travesty that was...

The Style Council.

Fuck, they were awful.

/coat

(*) they may have, but I can't be arsed trawling back to check. Bite me.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 22:50, Reply)

Fortnightly bin collections
My local council are steadfast in their resolve to infest the city with biblical seas of maggots and swarms of flies. The money grubbing idiots are citing a two weekly collection is somehow better for the environment. This is why the citizens of Peterborough are now all crapping into their green recycling bins. I know it's not the bin mens fault and they really shouldn't have to sort out angry residents collected tummy mess. My old mans a dustman but when i asked him about it he just banged on about his gor' blimey trousers. What do you think of that?

edit: Just clocked 2 years! and I still cannot think of anything funnier than poo. Woo poo
( Woolworth Smells of festive spices, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 22:45, Reply)

UK TV Licensing
Yes, I know (and they're outsourced), but they're a public body and I pay my taxes so they can spend them collecting more of my taxes, so they count.

A couple of years ago, like a good obedient citizen, I dutifully paid my TV licence with a credit card. A couple of weeks later their call centre manager, who just happened to be in the building, couldn't seem to understand why being cold-called ten times in five days to get me to switch my payments to direct debit could have got me so screamingly pissed off.

Frankly, if someone now gave me the choice of paying my TV licence by direct debit or eating shit, I'd take the coprophagy option every time.
(><(((">, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 21:49, Reply)

the city of edinburgh council must die because they are coercive motherfuckers
you pay your council tax. usually at the end of the month. that's ok, you've been doing it that way for years - then you simply forget (doh) to pay july '07's bill (because of not being at home for the best part of 3 weeks) ...

thing is, edinburgh council has decided it had a cashflow problem, so won't tolerate people paying "late" (ie late in the month when it falls due). ooh no. so 21st april passes by and out comes a snotty letter. you pay. you were going to pay anyway. may is ok, then in june you get another snotty letter after the 21st. in july, payment totally escapes your mind until the Very Last Day Of The Month. but it's still paid - notwithstanding the super-nasty final notice you got when you were away, demanding the rest of the year's bill in one go - over £500.

So you call them ... and the placid bloke at the council explains that the only way you can prevent the full might of the scottish legal system coming down on your head with extreme prejudice is to agree to a direct debit ... despite being self employed and not having a regular salary ... which makes DDs pretty hard sometimes ...

so you set one up and the placid bloke at the council says 'what date of payment would you like?' ... so you ask for options ... and he gives you the last day of the month ... which means:

1. if you pay your fucking tax in the last week of the month on any two months, you will then get a scary "give us all of it" demand if you do it a third time (please note - this involves council tax that is actually *being paid*)

2. your choices are then utterly subordinated to the needs of the council: pay us everything or let us lift money from your bank account by DD

3. the DD you agree to actually means *later payment* than you were in the habit of making anyway as (apart from one forgetful holiday month) the bill was generally not left til the last working day of the month anyway

so all this bullshit has succeeded in edinburgh council getting money from me later than it otherwise would, me having a DD to cater to that i didn't want, and a threatening letter lying unread on my doormat for two weeks because i wasn't even here

grindy machine fuckercunts
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 20:51, Reply)

heavy shit
I made the mistake of putting the binbag containing the waste from my weekly clean of the rabbit hutch at the top of the litter once. My bin hadn't been emptied for two weeks at this time as apparently binmen can't walk on footpaths.

Tarmac only.

So this time I put it within easy reach for them - at I'm writing this I'm actually reminiscing about when binmen actually came into where you kept your bin in your back yard, going down your drive with a cheery whistle :( - anyway I was off work this day and in the shower when I heard the binmen's lorry.

I jumped out, sprinted into my spare room where I witnessed the binman lift my wheelie bin lid, rummage about a bit, tear open my tied bin bag of rabbit hutch waste and then he walked off.

Incensed I ran downstairs, grabbing a towel and my keys on the way, opened the door and chased after the lorry.

When asked why he didn't empty the bin, the binman said

'That's not my job'

So I get in and phone the council, explain everything and the young lady on the phone reasons: Well, they are not legally allowed to lift anything too heavy.

Too heavy? How heavy can a bag of straw and rabbit crap be?

They came back the next day though and emptied my bin.
(spike starski, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 20:18, Reply)

Rhondda Cynon Taff
Mate of mine's got an old shop that he uses to store stuff. Front door, BIG front window (in two sections, each about 6 feet wide).
Council manage to reverse a lorry into it, caving in the window frame. To repair this involves replacing both windows AND the door.

Neighbour WITNESSES this happening.

Police arrive, take witness statement.

RCT denies responsibility.

RCT gets away scot-free, leaving my mate to pay for the damage.

Cunts!
( eXOBeX, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 19:45, Reply)

I have a series of letters...
... in my documents labelled 'council cnuts' from my insane dealings with Manchester City Council - I'll condense (because everybody loves a numbered list):

1. I leave a bin bag next to my wheelie bin.
2. Street Wardens (does anywhere else have these pointless wasters?!) rip open the bin bag and find a letter with my name on and one with my housemate's name - serve us with identical £50 fixed penalties.
3. We refuse and appeal.
4. They cancel his, mine stands.
5. I go to court and get a solicitor (on legal aid, what a nifty idea that is!).
6. After 3 preliminary hearings and a cancelled court date because their key witness (the cnut who served me the notice) was on his honeymoon they dropped the case due to insufficient evidence.

This took 9 months.
I was about a week away from going insane/postal.
I HATE the council.
I now shred all my junk mail.

Apologies for length - I'm new!
(Inspiratio like a blow job for the mind - but more innocent.., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 19:00, Reply)

Beauty School Drop-Out
Not only did I not need a house to get my Lloyds student account but I STILL have my student rate overdraft of £2000 at practically zero interest seven years after I graduated! Woooooo!

Also, shuuuuussssshhhh.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 18:58, Reply)

virgin haven't done it yet
cocksmokers. i stopped my direct debit because they suck my ass and i have been waiting for an explanation and some compensation (i was promised £15 and i want it. that is 3 pints in my local.) for about 3 months. i am stuck with them partly because actually SKY are even worse and partly because my flat is a listed building and i can't have a satellite dish. but they don't know that.

so they cut off my tv, broadband etc. fair enough. i really should pay something.

how difficult do they make it to pay themselves? you can't pay online if you're a previous ntl customer - as i was very happily until bloody beardhead took it over.

so you call their automated system. but that requires a start date. fuck help you if you dare to have an issue date instead. because hsbc, yorkshire bank etc don't have issue dates, do they? wankers.

so then you get the delights of being kept on hold for 30 mins or so listening to really crap music before some guy denying that he is sitting in delhi and claiming to be called nick (despite a time delay on each word and an indian accent you could cut with a butterknife) insults your intelligence by charging an extra £5 for not paying by direct debit.

my subsequent rant could be heard three floors away... i swear to god banks and phone companies and utility companies and councils are literally run by fuckwits and staffed by retards and i would like to burn them all and their bastard families whilst they sleep.

there. i feel better now...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 18:48, Reply)