Garnett Fleischaker Who is the more twuntish
The Twunt or the Twunt who fell for it?

Ed: wait a sec... this implies that I clicked your link DAMN!
(timberwolf0122 is turkey volume guessing man! Guessing the volumes in terms of turkeys since, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 12:10, Reply)

Hahahaha Timberwolf0122 - that's hilarious!
You win - click here for your prize.
(Garnett, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 11:29, Reply)

on your own
When I was at school one year we had a quiz to win a lovely big bumper pack of chocolate. The question was 'why is boxing day called boxing day'. Me being the tubby, sweet toothed little twunt I was and am I entered. No one else did.

On the day the result was read I sat unaware in the assembly hall with the ENTIRE SCHOOL when they read out my name. Yay thinks me until i realise I had to make my way to the stage in front of everyone to collect my prize. Rather than just handing over the sweet chocolately gooness the head mistress decided to tell all the school that I was the only one smart enough to answer and then proceeded to get me to tell everyone what the answer was. As she handed me the choccy she patted me on the head for good measure. My embarrassment was completed when someone, quite rightly, disgusted with what looked land sounded like contempt & smugness simply shouted 'YOU TWAT'. As I left the stage and went back to my seat everyone I passed took their cue from the anonymous gobby git and hurled hilarious witty banter, better known as outright abuse at me. I was going to console myself with the choclate until my brother and his friends nicked the lot off me as I left the hall. The bastards. I've never entered a quiz since!
(Let's all have an asbo, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 11:25, Reply)

Best Helmet
I spent 3 days at primary school making and decorating a papermache fireman's hat. it was painted red and even the badge was quite authentic (well i was 8 and i thought it looked shit-hot)
well i won first prize which was a gold star sticker and a certificate declaring i won competition for having "the shiniest reddest helmet"

i was an 8 year old girl! the sheer filthiness escpaed my tendor brain, but years late i still have the certificate displayed proudly in my house. its the prize that keeps on giving...
(wilma_wonka, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 9:27, Reply)

Win an amazing Prize!!!
Click Here It really works!
(timberwolf0122 is turkey volume guessing man! Guessing the volumes in terms of turkeys since, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 8:59, Reply)

I won the Lottery...
then died the next day.
Isn't it ironic, dont you think?
A little toooooo ironic.
Yeah I really do think.

Bugger, getting married tomorrow and it looks like rain...

On my wedding day.


puts raincoat on and goes home
(nappy rash, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 8:16, Reply)

my girlfriend and i spent two days on the boardwalk of ocean city, maryland
in the arcades, since weather was not permitting fun in the sun. we had spent probably around 150 bucks on those stupid (but addictive! so insanely addictive) quarter pushing machines where each quarter inserted pushes the big pile closer to the edge, translating to tickets. we got 8000 tickets finally, and my beautiful girlfriend whom i care for very dearly decided to get the big stuffed giraffe.

all the damnable thing does is sit there. i contributed almost all of my paycheck on an oversized, overpriced, colorful sack of cotton.
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 5:58, Reply)

Prizes...
I always seem to do OK at Ann Summer's games/quizzes and win lots of prizes.







Dirty bitch....me.....never.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Wed 10 Aug 2005, 23:34, Reply)

Afternoon at work
One of my colleagues ran a competition to think of a band name this afternoon - I won with my puerile suggestion of "The Cockstraps". The prize? One blackcurrant flavoured anaesthetic throat lozenge. mmmm.

Actually I won because I said I'd "squeeze out the anaesthetic and put it in my eye"...
(Sathington Willoughby, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 23:21, Reply)

Beanz Meanz Heinz
When I was in Primary 4 I entered a raffle at the school Christmas Fair. I Had my eye on a Barbie car. So I spend £4 of my (mother's) money on raffle tickets coz I wanted the Barbie car so much.

I won a tin of Heinz baked beans.

Who the hell decided to make baked beans a raffle prize?!

It wasnt even one of the fun big huge tins. It was just a regular tin of beans.

Bastards!
(SanDimasHighSchoolFootballRules, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 23:06, Reply)

snow queen
when i was at primary school, there was a competition to design a crown that could be used for the snow queen. despite being utterly unartistic i somehow managed to win, against kids from schools all over scotland.
so big day comes and im being presented with my prize up on stage before a showing of the play, the snow queen. cant remember what 3rd place guy got but 2nd place guy got a smart drawing/pencil set just the thing to keep youngsters amused for hours. thinking that 1st place prize must be waaaaayy better than that im quite excited when my turn comes. and the guy gives me ..... a book of stamps. commerorative snow queen stamps, as if that made it any better. so i started crying on stage in front of hundreds of people. great, a crap prize and total humiliation in front of loads of strangers.
i have also won typewriters on three seperate occasions.
(unciebana It's good, but it's not right., Wed 10 Aug 2005, 21:37, Reply)

got a prize in the post today....
pot noodle horn. my little lad loves it as it makes a noise, i'm sure i'll soon get sick of it.
( nikdude, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 20:45, Reply)

Pub quiz
I did a pub quiz for many long years, with a variety of shit prizes. One night the booby prize was a packet of cinnamon sticks.

Frequently the only way to get through the night as convivial host was to get fucking helpless on the ale, which this evening I did. i then advised the lucky winner - student, female, obvious fresher - that she should get her boyfriend to eat said cinnamon sicks because they'd make his jizz taste better.

Never seen again, odd that.

Ho hum.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 19:36, Reply)

Syndrome Attack
I spent hours, at the tender age of seven, drawing myself a Pirate/sand/treasure chest/parrot/ship/cannon/sword/fish montage for an art competition. And to my delight, my artistic flair was noticed by the judges and was awarded second place. Not fitting with this topic, the prize was actually quite good. I received a goody bag containing vouchers, a playstation game and some doodads. But then shock horror, I was forced by my mother to give it away to a sufferor of Down's syndrome, who was sat dejected in a corner. Naturally it didn't even grasp the concept of vouchers and was mildly confused by Rayman. Surely such a grand gesture should cement me a place in heaven. It was a crap prize because in the end it was a prize wasted.
(PensocraticA, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 19:33, Reply)

Not me
My gran at one of those big national bingo game things where the top prize is several thousand quid. She ended up coming home with a swiss roll and a packet of crumpets past their sell-by-date.
(BassNinja, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 19:20, Reply)

well...
The first (and the last) time i had won something was when i was in elementary school and there was a short story contest. The winner recived his favorite food trippled. I recived an old book, being the 3 place . yeppi.


Hey, at least you got some Biscuits! with cheese!

P.S-Sorry for my wriring mistakes, if there are eny.
(Scotchman, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 18:53, Reply)

Best newcomer?...........stupid twats
I've bin going to this holiday camp for three years straight now (im 13) and every year they do an award ceremony at the end of the week. I didnt think i stood much chance of winning a prize so i wasnt paying much attention. that was until they read out my name as a nomination for the best newcomer to the camp! Our laughs at their stupid mistake quickly turned to us bieng in hysterics as they announced that i was the winner. I came up to the stage to accept the prize and explained to them that im not really a newcomer at all. they still gave me the prize. still have it now.
Not really a crap prize, just an undiserved one.

Length? Ha! your just jealous!
(General Arfarfarnarf He who hesitates, Masturbates!, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 18:49, Reply)

Bible Bingo
The church my dad and my grandparents go to has this picnic in the local park every year. Mind you, I'm agnostic, and I especially hate this church.

One year, they had a game called Bible Bingo. It's your typical bingo game, but with Biblical references.

In the first round, my uncle won. His prize was none other than a package of sponges. That's right. Sponges.

For the rest of the game, lucky contestants got to walk home with oven mits and mouse traps.

I don't know about a wrathful god, but I now know that there is a god of bad taste.
(pk, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 18:40, Reply)

Stusut9
I'm with Legless and BadGirlActs Good, i mean WTF? I'm sure those L plates are fake....

totally irrelevant post here

oh well look at the first page!
og
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 17:24, Reply)

Junior Spurs Raffle 1981'ish?
Well... I was a junior spurs member! Yes, a wee yid at the tender age of 7!! (And yes, this was in the glory years at the lane!!) However, being a Junior Spurs member meant absolutely fuck all! Apart from, the christmas party they had every year for all JSM's at White Hart Lane.
So, I arrive and I collect my raffle ticket on entry and just casually walk around the Bill Nicholson suite trying to locate my hero then... Glenn "Your fucking naughty spazzers" Hoddle. But unfortunately no luck... He had some eye injury, so that basically pissed all over my JSM party!! But I still had the raffle to go... So I'm sat there and on stage is Ray Clemence (oi, big nose!), Mark Falco (Who?) & Steve (Ever so nice) Perryman. So the first number (3rd prize) is called... "67" or something... and I don't react until my mate reminds me that I'm actually holding that ticket. I then get sooo excited I accidently piss a little bit and jump up and shout "House". Of course all the team and young crowd laugh at my supid bingo call!!! Anyway... I get to the stage complete with wet patch on my nylon "Spurs" trackie bottoms and Steve Perryman gives me a fucking football the size of a outspan orange - NOT EVEN FUCKING SIGNED! The largest, shittest corporate diary you've ever seen - Like, what the fuck is a 7 year old going to do with a A3 pissin' desk diary? And wait for it... A fucking spurs egg cup... I HATE FUCKIN EGGS!! So I'm well pissed at my raffle prize and then as I walk off stage Micky "The Joker" hazard starts taking the piss out of the small wet patch as I walk off the brightly lit stage!! Nice One Spurs... it still hurts to this day you overpaid bunch of tossers!
(eurrrrrggggggghhhhhh Cunting /talk, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 15:48, Reply)

When our family finished the puzzle-walk-thingie, somewhere on a campnig in the early 80's
we got to stay up late for the glorious prize festival. The first two families won a real nice cake. I mean, it had cream, chocolate, the works. Our family, being third, won a 5 cent smily wine gum.
I can still remember the presenter going: "And for family X, a 'gezichtje'!"
(dutch for little face)
pfffft

Also, at a fun fare, I once found a raffle ticket of the Big Dallas Quiz on the ground with 'winner' on it. I picked out a big box with a racing track in it. It broke down within two hours worth of playing.
( mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 15:20, Reply)

Male voice choir raffles
I have seen a large set of saucepans won by an elderlywoman in a sheltered housing block. WTF is she going to do with them?

At a similar gig, having seen various bottles of booze on the table, I won a box of tea bags and some shortbread. (Nice tea as it turned out.)
(Glen Moranjie, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Stutz79
Bugger me. I've managed to make the Best Of B3ta almost every week I've entered and, as a QOTW week master, I have to take my hat off to this newbie.

My crown is in serious danger.


So I'll have to go out tonight and get
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 14:35, Reply)

My worst prize
I used to belong to an amateur theatre group and went to their Christmas party a couple of years ago (£3 to get in, lame buffet and quiz included).

My table was dead chuffed to get the runners-up prize in the quiz, especially as the first prize had been a bottle of something alcoholic. I excitedly leapt up to fetch our prize, a wrapped-up box which I assumed to be posh chocolates.

We all enthusiastically ripped off the paper to discover it was...

A box of tissues.

Apparently, this was the quizmaster's idea of a joke. Our idea of a joke was to soak the tissues and ram them down his trousers.

I've heard they do proper prizes these days.
(Pachey, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 14:28, Reply)

Self-induced crappy prize badness
Like a few others on here, my school did an awards thing where pupils got a prize, each head of the various subjects were able to award best pupil in the subject and most improved (to give fuckwits a chance at getting something). The prize? A £5 WH Smiths voucher, not great but not that bad. Being vaguely intelligent in a school otherwise inhabited by a lot of chav scum I managed to pick up three prizes - yay, 15 quid in WH Smiths vouchers! What did I use my Smiths-based wealth on? The Spice Girls' debut album. Twunt. I'm going to hell for that decision.
(Kaprikawn, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 14:28, Reply)

Prize giver
As you might already know, I run The Career Break Site (shameless plug). We actually have quite good prizes - trips abroad and stuff.

It's my job to notify the winners and there's nothing worse than when they think you're a scammer or winding them up or something (they've usually forgotten they entered the comp in the first place).

"You've won two tickets to Paris!"

"Is this you Dave? Is this a wind-up? Is this some sort of scam? I didn't enter any such competition" etc...

Not a crap prize as such, more crap winners.

/bitter
(Pachey, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 14:23, Reply)

Cheese is Christ
In a fit of deli-counter boredom, I entered a competition to win a cheese platter. A couple of days later I got a phone call informing me of my need to collect said cheese platter.

I duely turned up, and was given a plastic tray, with attendant seethrough plastic dome. It was full of every permutation of cheese that the deli counter stocked, all wrapped up in clingfilm. Oh and a cursory bunch of grapes. Unfortunately no claret/port to go with the Stilton, bloody savages.

Unfortunately I had bicycled down there, and started bitching about how the hell was I supposed to get it home. At which point I was soundly ticked off for being such an ingrate, and grudgingly given a very thin black plastic sack.

It was while crossing a large carpark that the bag split, causing all manner of cheeses to distribute themselves around said car park. After collecting them and tieing up the bag again, I set off again.

Unfortunately the bag split again, this time as I was crossing a busy road. Again causing cheese to distribute themselves all over the road. I spent the next 5 minutes deftly dodging traffic to retreive said mercifully unharmed cheeses. I was then informed by a passerby that did I not know that cars were dangerous. After not swearing at her, and pointing out the remaining scattered cheeses, and that I'd just won them, she helped me get the remaining cheeses. I gave her the cambozola by way of thanks.

I lived on cheese for the next 2 weeks.

erm the end.

appologies for lenght, girth, the weather, etc
(ohmyliver, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 13:54, Reply)

After loosing a pub quiz
A Hadaway single on 7" vinyl with the centre hole punched out.

That is all.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 13:53, Reply)

And So...
'Bang bang went the gavel, I had one the auction for the mystery prize.
I marched into the back of the church and demanded my winnings!
It was then that I caught glances with a man I had never met before and to this day the very thought of his twisted and eerie face chills me to the very core.
For a man of his size he seemed to be cast in an eternal shadow, this old building was lit from above with cheap strip lighting but somehow this ghost of a man avoided the faded yellow glow from up high and remained dark and secluded.
I saw what I thought was a toothy grin as he handed over the box containing the cursed 'jade ramhetep' (the heirloom claw hand).
The hand itself was meager, almost nonchalant, there was nothing that stood it out from other hands from its era and there was nowhere to draw similarities between this one and any of the others.
With an awful 'crack' my paunchy gusset snapped and my hefty legs sprung back like the recoil of a gun. I am misshapen now, both my arms are growing in length and my head is shaking up and down as I spew more of the sacred faces from my blubbery mouth.
I gurgle with this and spit a lump of excrement onto the concrete floor in front of me, it contains some teeth, which I am startled at but not disgusted by....'
And so went the last words of Tommy Cooper. He clutched his heart, fell to his knees and quietly passed on.
The audience shouted for an encore and were disappointed to leave, for they had no idea what had happened on that fateful evening in Her Majesty's Theater.

THE END
(JinDod, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Prizes are designed to be crap
The first time i won anything, it was a fuzzy duck, literally, i'd been conned into buying a raffle ticket from an attractive young lady, and i faced the consequences of my foolish actions.

I think my fuzzy duck is still in the attic...

As for giving prizes, nobody can beat me for giving people useless prizes, being lucky enough to run a small competition, i managed to give away a small picture of a bicycle, a broken table leg, the key to the handcuffs (that i had cuffed someone up with many days before). I had to run home very fast that day

in conclusion, every prize you'll ever win will be poop, so don't bothere entering conpetitions, you'll only regret it
(Abusive Eskimo - My post is here, at the bottom, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 13:18, Reply)