Found out on Monday
That I'm going to be a dad. It was certainly unexpected and I'm more than a bit nervous about the whole thing.
(TitanLX, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 13:17, 38 replies)

Look on the bright side, there's still time for her to miscarry.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 13:20, closed)

It's probably not his anyway
dunno what he's worrying about.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 13:26, closed)

Why is no-one reacting to this comment?

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 15:45, closed)

If you reacted to every twat going you'd be drawing a pension by the time you were done?

(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 18:02, closed)

Indeed.
But I think that is the first time a b3ta comment has made me make that weird inhaling 'phsssssshhh' noise like I've just got a splinter.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 20:55, closed)

Or you could just live with the fact that arseholes and internet connections are synonymous
Just because everyone has one, doesn't mean you need to pay attention.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 22:40, closed)

Sometimes it's best
not to feed the trolls!
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 9:31, closed)

I thought about replying
But thought why should I? All the positive comments have far outweighed anything they could come up with. If they get some sort of mild orgasm from being nasty then I wish them all the best.
All the other replies have buoyed me up no end.
(TitanLX, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:24, closed)

Simply-
Well said.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:30, closed)

lol

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 16:59, closed)

This is a valid comment.
As much as I love my fiance and am warming to the idea of a mini me or meette if I found out my girlfriend was pregnant just now I would hope, for the sake of the child, she would not reach term.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 17:26, closed)

Why not try the Friz method of parenthood

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 13:26, closed)

:(

(DefinitelyNOTAmorousBadgerOhNo, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 13:29, closed)

Good luck!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 13:36, closed)

Good luck !!
Just focus on the positives.....and congratultions *hands over virtual cigar*
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 13:59, closed)

Congratulations
No need to be nervous, it'll all come naturally.

Ignore the trolls. They haven't got as far as sexual intercourse yet, so don't bother with them.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 25 Nov 2010, 14:39, closed)

I've been a dad for three years
and number two is due in March.

Its really fucking hard work but every second is worth it. It comes naturally so don't worry and just go with the flow.
( Peej, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 14:43, closed)

^^^THIS^^^^
You are now at the bottom of the rollercoaster, slowly clanking up to the crest of the first dip...
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 17:36, closed)

:)
You're going to start off tired and...
Well, that's it really :)

Seriously, it can be a lot of fun and it's the little things that make it. Recently my 6 year old was chuffed to bits when he realised that he could now read a book that was in his age range. A year ago he couldn't read at all.
The look on his face was priceless.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 14:46, closed)

A couple of bits of advice from me
1) The nine months is not for the baby to develop, it's to give you time to get your head around the whole thing. The fear you feel now will fade over the months.*

2) If you have any uncompleted projects on the go, do them NOW. Once the little grub arrives, "free time" will be a distant memory -- at least until they reach 5 or so.

* To be replaced by a completely new set of fears, of course.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 14:51, closed)

#2 definitely seconded!
The word "just" will totally disappear from your vocabulary. As in "I'll just go and mow the lawn/fix those shelves/have a pint/run round the park..."

Also remember that *everyone* is making it up as they go along.

Most of all, enjoy it. It is great!
(flimflam_machine, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 15:14, closed)

Too true
I have about a dozen unfinished jobs about the house.
When?
No idea.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 15:28, closed)

My first daughter...
...popped out from her mum a month ago. Despite tears, tantrums and nappies, it's worth it.
3 things that have surprised me so far and to be aware of:
1 - When babies pop out they are a mix of very odd colours
2 - They fart. Loudly and copiously. If you are a typical B3tan you will find this hilarious. I do.
3 - They make a lot of other noises too - small cries, wheezes etc which sound very odd at first but you get used to them.
Good luck!
(Darth Thump, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 16:04, closed)

My son (2months)
Farts louder than I do
( zulu eh?, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 22:13, closed)

My daughter (10 weeks) farts like the sound of an opening crypt door.

I blame her when I fart. I get away with it.
(crustyonion, Sun 28 Nov 2010, 0:21, closed)

Congratulations!
Once they come out, it becomes apparent straight away that you have no choice but to just get on with it, worrying is kind of pointless. You'll be fine!
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 25 Nov 2010, 16:57, closed)

You better hope it's a boy
Then you've only got one prick to worry about. Have a girl and it's every prick in the world you've got to worry about.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 17:50, closed)

get used to it
even though we planned ours when the missus first told me that junior was on the way I was shitting bricks, plenty of time to get used to the idea and love it now.
(bluehamster, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 20:47, closed)

Congrats
Been a dad for 2 whole months now and it's brilliant. Enjoy it.
( zulu eh?, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 22:11, closed)

My advice
is to imagine that you only have a few months left to live. what would you do? if you can afford it, do it. So if you like going to the theatre then go every night. If you like drinking then drink endlessly (publicly instead of just in secret like after the baby is born). You remember how, when you moved in with your partner, the excitement disappeared after an hour when you realised you would never again be a free man? Well this is 1000 times worse. Also, the first 3 months are a complete fucking nightmare. Then its quite nice. Just focus on the 6 month benchmark when you can give it a bit of lemon and watch its face screw up in an hilarious fashion.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:32, closed)

Advice
The one piece of advice I give to new parents:

- Ignore all advice and do things your own way.

(I'm aware of the irony)
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:18, closed)

Yet More Advice
When we were expecting for the first time, I noticed that EVERYONE from the parents to the the Midwives dishes out opinions as if they were facts.

Be sure to tell the difference.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:33, closed)

.
yeah the midwives are full of it.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:54, closed)

full of it
but are oracles of wisdom compared to fucking health visitors, I think they're the ones who were too stupid to even be a nurse.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 18:33, closed)

You are
asking for a world of trouble with a comment like that, my friend. You're implying that nurses are unintelligent and worthless. Somebody almost got themselves a new arsehole a few weeks ago for calling nurses babysitters...
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 22:05, closed)

I know, what if somebody presses thier caps lock!

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sat 27 Nov 2010, 13:42, closed)

Have to agree
with R O F here. Had we taken notice of the half whitted (male) health visitor with regards to my boys feeding he would (the boy ,not the half whit)have died of malnutrition.
( bane, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 0:00, closed)

Congratulations! Good luck with the whole thing :)
(epinephrine, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 17:53, closed)