airports
I've now worked in the airline industry for going on five years. It is NEVER as glamourous, or as exciting, as Airline or Airport on the tellybox... but...


1: NEVER trust any check-in staff or dispatcher who guarantees your bag is on the aircraft if you turn up late to check in for a flight. An on-time departure is less paperwork and less hassle, so a bag isn't important enough to wait for.

2: Equally, if you have a hold bag and there aren't a lot of bags on the flight and you're late to the gate, we won't think twice about offloading you. We don't know you, and because you have an important meeting in Birmingham doesn't mean anything to us. If the flight's busy, we're more likely to be more lenient because it takes an age to go thru all the bags looking for yours because you couldn't be arsed to appear on time. If you have no bags checked in you're off as soon as departure looms - sorry, but its true.

3: It is not the gate staff, check-in staff or dispatcher's fault for late running or tech aircraft, or crew being late to the aircraft, or the aircraft diverting somewhere else, or the manky bastards getting off the plane meaning it needs gutted by the cleaners, or the aircraft being parked remote from the terminal and needing coached or causing you to walk outside in the pissing rain - you only have to walk to the plane maybe 50 yards, we have to wait in the rain for 200 of you bastards to get on it, with 200 individual moans about not having a jetbridge. We are creatures of comfort and we don't like it either, so give us a break.

4: Begging to get on a flight you've turned up late for doesn't impress us. Get there on time or get there by some other means. We're not all bastards, but some of us like the feeling of power to ruin your trip. Muahahahahaha etc.

5: If you are pissed/stoned and giving us hassle at check in your bag will be on standby - its easier to dump it and go as soon as departure time comes if you're not there. If you start at the gate your bag will be put to one side for the same reason.

6: Believe it or not you cannot smoke when you're outside on the ramp with the aircraft - theres jetfuel, nitrogen for tyres and other flammable things to contend with. Staff have to go outside the building to smoke just like you lot, so don't even ask and certainly don't try it.

7: On a number of airlines I won't mention on a forum as public as this, I know what the maintainance standards are and how often aircraft break down. There are certain aircraft that are permanently running with defects, sometimes major. I pray for most of you to make it to the other side.

8: Live fish? Throw the boxes in with the bags! Cats that stink of piss? In with the bags! Dogs that shit everywhere? Guess where they go! The remains of people who die on holiday are also loaded with your bags around them so they don't slide about the hold and so that the bodies don't come out the coffin. I've seen it, and its not pretty when it happens.

9: If you reach the end of your trip and your bag isn't there, it probably wasn't loaded at the other end. This relates to point 1 in many ways - you mean nothing to us. Don't moan if your bag doesn't make it, cos its gonna be hundreds of miles away where we can do sweet Foxtrot Alpha about it.

10: Requesting your prams for your darling shitlings as soon as you get off the aircraft might make your life easier, but it doesn't make ours easy. Wait til the carousel like every other mug who had to put up with your screaming brat during the flight. Added to that its a health and safety risk for us to carry such items without proper training, giving us another get out clause to not bother our collective arses.

11: Anyone asking you to move your seat for trim issues who looks official, be it someone in a yellow vest or the captain, is actually serious. We can't let the plane go if its out of trim, we're not doing it out of badness, and it will crash and burn if you don't. This applies to all aircraft, be it an 8 seater Twin Otter turboprop or a 480 seater Boeing 747, so don't look at us as if we don't know what we're doing if you're on a Jumbo and we ask you to move. They are not pretty when they tip backwards for being arse heavy, or indeed when the nosewheel landing gear collapses for being nose heavy.

12: No bag is supposed to travel without a passenger unless its been checked and scanned thoroughly. It could be anything if it hasn't. You'd be surprised how many bags make flights when the passengers don't...

13: Moaning gets you nowhere. Be nice to us and we're likely to do you a favour. The last one definately isn't a dirty secret, it applies to every service industry, but no c**t seems to know it!



Seem to have gone on a bit of a rant there... *insert length gag etc*
(clearasmud, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 21:11, Reply)

phone shops, and the ACP's
hmmm, where to begin...

now i don't work at the worst of phone shops for bastadry, (the 1 with the hand signals, if you know what i mean), but the other one. But we still sink quite low.

ACP- also known as Actual Customer pronography. Ever wondered how all of those video's of girls in the nuddy get spread? Probably sent it to repair with us.

On the other hand, we get alot of girls come in, give us their phone to repair and make sure we know that they are nice and in ze buff on their phone. schlags.
(acharps, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 21:08, Reply)

You know
those porn films, where the girl has a huge cock right down her throat.

We give then opium first.

Oh, and fluffers only exsist in L.A.

Le...don't, just don't.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 20:53, Reply)

wine
I also worked at sainsbury's part time, many moons ago, on the booze isle.
boxes of wine £17 or more could not be sold if the boxes were damaged.
but the interior can be sold to staff for like £3-£5. so we used to damage the boxes out bk, and bugger off with loads of expensive wine at the end of the night.
quite boring really, sorry
(kellogg going slowly insane, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 20:50, Reply)

I used to be a lab assistant
I actually worked for some very famous scientists, most notably Erwin Schrodinger. The trouble is that I don't know whether I still work there or not.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 20:44, Reply)

Oh my...
I work at one of the supermarkets that has it's name in yellow and the letters can be jumbled to spell Morons (if you take some away).

Whereas the work is boring, the managers speak down to you and customers think you are idiotic and not to be thanked, the standards kept are quite high (in my department anyway).

We have to clean everything, then clean the cleaning equipment, sign various forms after holidays to say we're healthy and keep a training card. We get briefed on not re-labelling out of date products (in fact, we have to waste items whose date label has fallen off), any food fallen on the floor is binned or wasted* and we get checked every so often to see if our uniforms are up to standards.

The other supermarkets are so upset that we don't keep the standars of dirtiness that they set a bomb off at the back of our store**


*Although I have seen the department manager pick things off the floor and put them on the shelves once packaged

**Not entirely true. Not sure who did it but they blew up the "O"
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 20:15, Reply)

...
Another Dirty trade secret is that Mick Hucknall is not really ginger in real life, it's just an act!!!

:S
(Squid83, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 20:04, Reply)

every kitchen in the world ever.
i've bummed around in several pub/restaurant jobs, and when it comes to food used by dates, they are seldom used, or when they are, everyone just peels the old date off when its out of date, and sticks a new one on until the product is used up. i can pretty much guarantee everywhere does this, just to get a good stock take.
(rollerdisco, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 19:38, Reply)

The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade
I work for a pharmaceutical company. This will probably not come as a suprise to anybody, but the mark-up on our products is staggering - we're talking profit margins of 6000% plus. We're also pretty profligate in terms of air-freight (although this is not confined to the drug trade). Got a drug that you manufacture in the UK and want to export to, say, France but can't because of international licensing laws? No problem - just find a country that you can export it from - let's say Australia for instance. Then all you need to do is fly it over to Australia and put it straight on a flight back to France. Problem solved. The big drug companies have constant streams of planes just touching down and taking off again in places with favourable licensing laws.
(gitsurf, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 19:22, Reply)

Fancy Restaurants
That white stuff under the chef's nose?

Not flour.

Ever.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 19:14, Reply)

Mental Health Nursing...
...is different to "proper" nursing. No uniform, no forelock touching to Consultants, its all good stuff. Secrets ?

1)We (and OTs and CPNs etc etc) write reams of assessments which no one ever reads - care plans, needs assessments, CPA docummentation.
You know the very end of "Raiders of the Lost Arc" with the arc in a box in a HUGE warehouse ? Thats all the work we've ever produced; filed away for ages.

2) Counselling is bollox - just reflect all the time "Nurse, how am I?"
"How do you feel you are ?"
Rinse and repeat.

3) Current students are crap - not their fault, the syllabus is a complete joke. 3rd year students can quote chapter and verse on the Gov'ts proposals for single mothers with Bi-polar disorder, but cant administer basic medication.

4) Despite evidence on the contrary on this site, drugs CAN fuck you up - many of our clients are 16+, psychotic as hell and will be like that for life. Yes theres only a small chance of a bad reaction, but is it worth it ?

5) It is virtually impossible to get fired from the NHS - short of Murder or blatant theft you will be moved to a "quieter" area - you find all the shit staff in the same place.

6) TBH 9 times out of 10, when someone is pouring out their heart about their childhood / upbringing / abusive relationship Im planning my next cuppa or B3ta trawl, but nodding sympathetically.

7) Their are MANY staff who've been in th ejob 30+ years, retiring in 3-4 years who DO NOT GIVE A TOSS and do the absolute minimum of work possible, delegating to other staff for "A second opinion".

8) We still havent had our frickin pay rise - you know, the one in April ? (Still at least we got one I suppose unlike some poor workers).

9) The Unions are a JOKE - basically they posture and spout hot air then bend over, grease up and ask the Gov't to service them.

Im sure theirs more.

/and relax....
(kitescreech still here, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 18:30, Reply)

true story

You know the stuff in the pool that changes colour if you pee? It doesn't exist. It probably started as a thing parents told their kids, but it's become widely believed - pool places actually get requests for it all the time apparently.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 18:28, Reply)

Leprosy

The hours are good, but it costs an arm and a leg.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 18:24, Reply)

taps in night clubs?
you must be posh, they've only got bottles where i'm from (and i'd love to see this black fosters that goes into the guinness tap :P)

anyways, when a kid sicks up in your local swimming pool, we scoop out most of the big bits for about half an hour (till we're bored or can't find any more) and then chuck about 500g of chlorine straight into the pool, ten minutes later we open up again
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 18:23, Reply)

I once read a magazine article about a (male) porn star

who kept saying "it's not nearly as glamorous as people think."

Am I out of touch with public opinion on this one? I'd kind of put being a porn star more more at the 'passed out after injecting heroin into my eyeball and a rat bit me' end of the glamour scale than the 'was having dinner with George Clooney and we ran into the Dalai Lama' end.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 18:21, Reply)

club beer
Please be aware that all the pumps at that nightclub you go to are hooked up to barrels out of date fosters.

So to all of you smug twats flashing your cash on what you presume to be quality expensive draft lager that plebs can't afford - ha ha
.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 18:04, Reply)

Circular logic
In the coffee shop i used to work in they never actually fired me. They simply stopped giving me hours. I like to think of it as being made redundant in a circular sense.

i.e they never got round to firing me.
(BobbyDarin Was somewhere Beyond the Sea on, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 17:29, Reply)

An amusing little fact about video stores
The computer systems on atleast some video stores, like the one I work at, have a section for reminders on the account of ever customer. This section is just a blank sheet for you to fill in how you see fit, presumably with relevant information about the customer such as whether or not they are a seniors card holder etc.

However as you may well guess this is quickly filled with whatever humorous observations or dire warnings or opinions about these customers the staff may form. Makes for hilarious reading and quite a challenge to read them whilst looking at the person and not laughing.

So be warned, if you are an obnoxious shit it will be noted down, if we are bored and think you resemble a certain cartoon character it will be noted down. If you're attractive it will be mentioned and if you are very very attractive there will be a continual commentary for each occassion a different staff member serves you, leading to comments of agreement and disagreement with that observation. And if you're not the easiest on the eyes you will quite likely have some very cruel comments written about you.

It's a nice little passive-aggressive way of passing the time in a pretty tedious job, not really a particularly dirty secret but a funny one none the less.
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 17:19, Reply)

Finance Assistants
Due to a combination of choosing a degree that leads nowhere (philosophy) and being good at maths, I have been temping in various finance departments on and off for several years now.

A trick of my trade is to overestimate how long spreadsheet-based tasks will take. This gives me enough time to create and play with a Countdown-esque numbers game for several hours, using the Random number generator on Excel.

I've also created a Yahtzee game, but it's not as much fun. And there's no thoughts of Suzie Dent or Carol Vorderman when I'm playing Yahtzee.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 17:19, Reply)

I may have posted this before years ago but..
Does your local newspaper print stories about mysterious big cats?
The sightings tend to occur in areas where circulation of the paper has dipped and the witnesses tend to be related to a journalist.
Circulation rockets up in those particular areas after that.
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 17:16, Reply)

I DID A MASSIVE SHIT ON THE CEILING
and was fired.
(abignumber, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 17:00, Reply)

more nurses
We're a pretty conscientious lot on the whole, but if you're rude to us you'll find your painkillers mysteriously take a lot longer to arrive than everyone else's and your injections will be more painful.
(Mary Mandolin still had it on, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 16:03, Reply)

Opticians
I spent too much of my life working in opticians.

Always go at the end of the month, ask for discount and it's guaranteed you'll get it. They all have bonus targets for the end of the month and they would rather give you 25% off than have you leave and loose the sale.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 29 Sep 2007, 16:03, Reply)

Call centres
When being transferred from one department to another and kept on hold for a long time?

It's probably 'cause the person in the other department sounds young and sexy and I'd rather spend my time chatting to her than taking another call.
(Laxly, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 16:02, Reply)

Teaching again
1) Lesson plans are only for OfSted - if a teacher says they are checking theirs on the PC, they are on eBay / MSN / Tescos.

2) Male teachers don't care what you do on a Friday afternoon - 5-a-side footy straight after school so we don't want to have to fill out reports.

3) 1st impressions count.

4) We ignore kids that sit at the sides.

5) Marking? is this a new concept?

6) The fart that stinks out the classroom on a monday morning was not done by the kid at the back, but it was done by the teacher who had a skinfull yesterday and is feeling dodgy, who let it rip while "checking" your work.
(gjb006, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 15:58, Reply)

Oh, and some other stuff about Teaching.
1. If it's windy or raining, the kids will misbehave by an extra 10% on their usual misdemeanour.
2. If it's a non-uniform day, add 20%
3. There is always one do-gooding lefty in the school. At mine, it is me.
4. Are you an NQT/trainee? Are you female? Then you're guaranteed to have had a Hot Or Not rating as soon as you've walked into the staff room door.
5. Applying for a job at a school? On the interview day - get involved with the department convo. It's rarely the head of the school who chooses the successful candidate - it's the ordinary teachers who will have to put up with you all the time. If they don't like you, you ain't got the job, no matter how many degrees you have or how successful your results are.

I'm sure some more will come up later.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 15:19, Reply)

I could but . . .
I would end up in court, got 3 years till i can spill the beans :(
(Old Fella Doe a Dear a Female Dear . . . ., Sat 29 Sep 2007, 15:19, Reply)

Teaching
I'll keep this short and simple.

1. Any boy called Kyle, Liam, Jordan, Levi, Johnny, Lewis, Brandon, Jack or Dominic is likely to cause you bother.

2. Same for girls called Britney, Chanice, Chantelle, Jade, Candy, Kelly, or that have names that have a -Rae, -Lee, -Marie, -Louise suffix.

3. If you have any of these kids in your class, turn them into your lackeys - handing books out, collecting in equipment, etc. It'll be good training for them for when they're working in McDonalds/Call Centres/etc and being forced to do menial jobs for a shit wage.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 15:02, Reply)

I work in Retail, the secrets aren't so dirty.
There's not many secrets really, just little things we do to you if you piss us off.

A favourite is when a customer will ask for a fresh pair of their size in shoes after being rude to us. There's no chance you'll get a fresh pair, hell you might even get an odd pair. I'll make sure the pair you have is from display and maybe even discoloured.

If you're on the phone while at the till, you might wanna expect a bug on your clothing. Some don't work in our branch but will work in other stores in town. Hell, you aren't paying attention to what we're asking you so have that.

Length, about as long as your phone call.
(bakircioglu, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 15:02, Reply)

Everyone makes shit up
Years ago, working at BT Telemarketing, in sales support. We used to have to deal with customers who couldnt get an ISDN line that they had been mis-sold previously by the semi-trained chimps in sales. But since we knew nothing about phone routing, made-up elements of phone terminology like "sump" or "flux capacitor" were liberally sprinkled into the conversation. Loved the day when I told someone about their "flux capacitor" being the wrong sort, then they asked me what "Back to the Future" had to do with ISDN.
Nothing, sorry mate.
(spacemonkee77, Sat 29 Sep 2007, 14:19, Reply)