This.
edit: Dammit, it's gone. Amazon had a link to a home laparoscopic gastric bypass kit a couple of days ago. Will have another look.

Here it is:

scienceroll.com/2011/01/17/diy-laparoscopic-gastric-bypass-kit-on-amazon/

Sadly, Amazon took down the offending item and deleted all the marvellous reviews, but there you go. Proper story to follow.
(jennymnemonic, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 15:37, 5 replies)

One of the most useful lessons I've learned in life;
You might as well just take out your own stitches, it's hardly rocket science and you feel like a div taking the day off to go into hospital to have it done.
( Zuowan, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 15:32, 4 replies)

... yaroo, readers!
I once tried to remove one of my milk teeth in the classic manner I'd seen characters in my comics use, that is; tie a thread around the offending tooth, tie the other end to the door handle, slam the door, tooth is gone.

Trouble was, the string I had was too thick to pass around the tooth, the teeth next to it were in the way, so I tried just clenching my jaw and holding the string like that.

Oddly enough it didn't work, but that didn't stop my grandmother playing war with me when she came through to see what all the door-slamming was about.
(richardm, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

In the days when I used to go climbing
You'd often find that the chalk you put on your hands to help with grip would dry your skin out to the extent that it would crack.

A couple of drops of superglue would sort that out no problem. And it would also give palm readers the heebie-jeebies.

But the bit of DIY surgery that stands out most in my mind followed on from getting my fingers slammed in a car door. One of my fingertips in particular was throbbing and painful, and I could see the nail starting to go black as the blood welled up behing it.

"You'll have to go to hospital to get that nail taken off. If it doesn't fall off by itself first" was the considered opinion of my dad (who was in fact sounding rather too excited at the prospect, considering he'd just done the slamming).

However, I had a better idea. I went into the garage and found the finest drill bit I could. By twiddling it between the fingers of my other hand, I slowly, slowly drilled a little hole in the nail. Suddenly, a little spurt of blood shot up, and the pressure was relieved as more blood welled out.

It was one of the most satisfying feelings I've ever had.

Mind you it started hurting like buggery again later on; but at least I didn't have to have the the NHS playing Gestapo on my hand.
(richardm, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 15:02, 7 replies)

'Self-administered anecdote transfusion', aka cheeky pea
Enjoying my birthday by queueing for the toilet at a music festival in the US of America, I was stang off of a bee, right on the tip of my index finger. No humble bumblebee was he, this was a big ol’ American Apoidea Bastardus, like the one who takes over as mayor in ‘Family Guy’. It hurt a lot, like someone pressing a lit cigarette to my fingertip. ‘Look at this!’ I exclaimed to my friend, and we both marvelled at the pulsating venom sac, clearly visible as it pumped poison into my swelling digit like a set of demonically possessed Polly Pocket bagpipes. Oh, did I mention that, being so cool, I was under the influence of hallucinogenic substance LSD at the time? Yeah, cheers counterculture, that was a big help.
Hearing us slowly coming to terms with this momentous event, the guy in front of us in the queue turned around and pulled out a big fucking knife. ‘Looks like we’d better operate,’ he said, waving the big fucking knife under my petrified nose. ‘Maybe,’ he grinned, ‘WE BETTER AMPUTATE!’ It didn’t help he was wearing mirror shades, so all I could see were reflections of my own terrified face and the glare of his ludicrous knifeblade. Honestly, it was like something Rambo would do the topiary with. Then, while I was paralysed by fear, the guy took hold of my hand and sliced the sting right out of my finger with his big fucking Rambo’s landscaping knife.
I have to say he did a great job – the pain stopped almost immediately and there was very little bleeding. My mystery field surgeon went for a piss straight after that, so I didn’t get the chance to thank him properly, but the experience scared me straight, and I took a vow that day to never again get stung by a bee, a promise I have kept – even through the hard times – to this very day (although I have been stung by wasps two or three times, but everyone gets stung by wasps so that’s ok).
(electricteeth, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:47, 7 replies)

coldsores
if you use a (new) hard skin file (low grade sand paper type) and gently rub/remove one layer of skin on the tinger area when a cold-sore
is just starting to form cold-sores will not take a hold and grow like a shankerous STD on your lip.

I must warn the above will feel like you have pulled a layer of skin off your lip for one day.
But it will heal in about two days instead of a week. I use this trick all the time.... works like a charm.

Sorry if this sounds like a tip but its a a low level surgery of sorts depending on your pain threshhold.
(Cov Boy, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:42, 4 replies)

Needlework lessons.
A schoolfriend of mine was, at times, on the foolish side. He also lived on a farm, and therefore close to sharp things. One such sharp thing was a machete. Somehow, he managed to open a large gash in his left arm with the thing. The wound was deep, and about 4" long. God knows how he managed not to open a vein.

Anyway: unbothered by this, he realised that he had to do something about it. So he went into the house, found a needle and thread, and sutured his own arm. A couple of weeks later, he removed the home-made stitches and the wound was completely healed.

I don't think it was really necessary for him to show off his handiwork in class the next day, though. It was a bit manky.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:32, Reply)

Dentistry, but not what you think.
One of my best mates had his wisdom teeth removed ooh, about ten years ago, and he reacted like a big wuss and had to have a week off work looking like the bastard offspring of Sian Lloyd and David Coulthard. Anyway, a couple of weeks later he was shaving. Apparently one of the hairs was quite resilient and got jammed in his razor so he gave it a tug and managed to wrench out one of his stitches which had somehow attached itself to a follicle. I know it seems unlikely but he's not one for the bullshit normally...
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:24, 4 replies)

My Dad could do anything...
even perform minor surgery on his children .
After gashing my leg on a knackered pedal on someone elses bike ,and waiting for hours in A&E at kings college hospital,he decided to stitch me up himself ,using some heavy cotton thread and my Mums darning needle.Oddly I don't remember it hurting much doing the stitching.
( bane, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 14:19, 1 reply)

I tried to relocate my own wrist after a cycling accident.
It didn't work. Mostly because I'd broken my arm as well. Owww...

I'd started off up a hill, and started to wobble. You know one of those wobbles where you know you're going to fall off? Well, I had a few seconds to make up my mind. Roll off into the road and risk being hit by a car coming over the hill, or stick out my arm and risk breaking it. I stuck out my arm, broke it and no car came. Then I tried to relocate my wrist by the side of the road, which was unwise.

It turned out that my wrist had dislocated because my arm bone had snapped in magnificent fashion, and I had to get surgery to wire it back together. It's not all bad though: they used staples so I now have an extraordinarily manly scar on my arm. If a lass asks me, I got it fighting off tigers in the Congo. It's only on the one arm because I was carrying an adorable Congolese orphan under the other.
And of course, the tiger didn't get the chance to strike again because I headbutted it to death. All without waking the orphan. Oh yes believer.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:43, 6 replies)

Ahem
I just surgically removed both my arms

Ouch

On second thoughts maybe I should've posted this last week
(epicsnail Likes working nights, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:29, Reply)

There are only two tools you need - WD40 and gaffer tape.
If it moves, and shouldn't - gaffer tape.

If it doesn't move, and should - WD40.

Brute force and ignorance solves all problems eventually.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:27, 17 replies)

Another warty one!
A mate of my Dad's told me once that he had used the corkscrew bit of a Swiss Army Knife to "dig" a veruca out of his foot, and it worked! Wow thinks I who has had a few of the little fellas myself how did you do that? He said that he had had to go quite deep to get the root of it out and dig out any "little black bits" in there.

A few months later, when stricken with the dreaded foot herpes, I tried to do the same, although my trusty pocket knife did not come equipped with a corkscrew, so was able to use the knifey bit and the hoof pick to dig mine out, with limited sucess (a bit of a hole in my foot but almost no blood as it was mostly embedded in dry skin, and only the root had entered the soft bit of my foot, yum). Hurrah thinks I, no costly Chemist / chiropody bills for me!

However a few weeks later I ended up with a couple of extra wee warty friends where I had spread the virus about and ended up having to get them all "Bazooka"ed off. All gone now thankfully!

The moral of the story, there isn't one really, apart from the fairly obvious fact that digging holes in your foot with a blade, corkscrew or any other apendage sanctioned for everyday use by the Swiss Army is not only unsaniarty but damn stupid and painful to boot!
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:19, 4 replies)

I remove my own stitches.
For various reasons I've had quite a few over the years, and if I can reach them I'll remove them after the allotted healing time. Friends and relatives all go weak at the knees when I tell them, but it really is nothing.
( Varmint, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Definitely one to make the chaps cringe......
Many moons ago, when I was but a lad (about 18 and discovering the joys of inappropriateness with the leydees) I suffered from a condition called Phimosis - feel free to google it but it's basically a foreskin that is too tight to retract without causing pain and swelling.....

One evening, lubricated by a number of pints of the lunatic special at the Old Man and Scythe I managed to get lucky with a lady and managed to "do the deed". It hurt like hell but somehow the old fella managed to perform and all was good.

Until later that night. If you can imagine the scenario - the foreskin retracts but decides to shrink around my bellend. Basically I was priapic with a persistent erection and my helmet was turning an angry purple and getting larger. I managed to live with it for a few hours until the pain became too much to bear.

Now the object of my affection that evening was a nurse and thought (due to the effects of being shitfaced) that it would be a simple process to relieve the pressure until I could seek professional assistance. So we commenced the operation...

Nail scissors sterilised in a ligher flame, ice liberally applied to the offending area to numb the pain and the banjo string and the stubborn ring of foreskin around the base of the helmet is cut! I was very surprised how tough human flesh is, even in the most delicate of areas.....

All was good for about 30 seconds. The pressure subsided and things started to look normal then the pain decided to kick in together with copious blood flow. If didn't know I could bleed so much and live. It was everywhere, the sink, the bath, the floor, the bathmat, towels - you name it, it got a soaking.

We decided at that point that a trip to casualty was in order.....the member for Quimborough was wrapped in a towel and the ambulance was called.

It was worth the embarassment of the consultation as the next day I'd had an emergency circumcision and a few weeks later (once the stitches had disssolved/been picked out) I discovered the true joy of sex.

Absolutely true and the most painful thing I've ever encountered but worth it in the end.
(penrose your dog's got tits, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 13:09, 19 replies)

A fair amount of the time...
I tend to use Superglue to fix cuts closed. There are lots of theories that that's what the stuff was invented for, but frankly I don't care because it works a charm.

If it's going to be a hard-working area of the hand (fingertip for example) , I add a couple of layers of bog-roll tissue and stick them on as well to give myself a composite fingertip for the day. My missus has only busted me once "doin' the robot" and pretending I'm a Bionic man.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:55, 5 replies)

at 16, I went to a Metal gig
I also had braces, so those of you with a little imagination can see where this is going.

Anyway, so the night's going really well, the bands are really heavy and the mosh-pit is just a swirling mass of sweaty bodies and long hair. Most of the night I was in the pit jumping about getting smacked and giving as much back, very fun in a primal aggressor sort of way. We're coming up to the last few bands and all who are left in the pit are some massive bikers, the guys on pills who've got too much energy.... and me.

So, I get stuck in and almost as if on cue, the final snare and *WHAM* fist in the mouth, pissing blood out of my mouth, but laughing, until I realised that when I laugh I can feel my lip tugging on something... This isn't right thinks I, so I make my way to the toilets to check out what's happened, and horror of horrors, the inside of the lip has been forced into my brace and got caught somehow. Fuck.

Anyway, I leave this for the moment and ride out the rest of the gig (not in the pit however).

I get home and think about how I'm going to sort this out, I can't leave it overnight or it's going to be even worse when I try and free the lip in the morning... The only way I can sort this out is if I cut it free.

So I pop off to the kitchen and find myself a very sharp knife. up to the bathroom over the sink where the mirror hangs just in front of it, pull the lip out... brace myself... slice... "argh, fuckity shit bollocks piss". Now there's more blood in your lips than I previously thought, and the size of the hole I'd just made was now spilling a lot more blood than I was comfortable with. So I did the normal thing, got a cotton bud, stuffed it over the hole and went to bed.

I still have the scar on the inside, it looks a tiny bit like a vagina.

Apologies for length, but it's more about what came out.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:53, 2 replies)

I regularly have to snap my shoulder and toes back into their sockets due to shitty joints
and I cut a lump off my head that bled for hours until I burned the back of a spoon to cauterize it.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:49, 1 reply)

Home dental surgery with a screwdriver.
I had a small hole in my gum that I think I caused by accidentally stabbing myself in the mouth at some point. It was really sore, so I decided to try and cut through the lower bit of gum, exposing a bit more of the tooth and basically making the gumline on that one tooth a little higher.

I decided a flathead screwdriver would be the best tool for the job (because knives are dangerous...), so I put it against the gum at an angle, steeled myself, and then smacked the bottom of it like I was chiselling away at a piece of stone or something.

To say it hurt like fuck would be a massive understatement, and it seemed to bleed for hours.

About 6 years later on, it healed fine and the desired result was achieved in that my gums look perfectly normal, albeit one tooth has a slightly higher gumline than the rest.

For those of you that are wondering, this definitely makes my top ten list of "The Stupidest Things I Have Ever Done".

I'd be happy to give a full rundown of that list if anyone cares.
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:41, 6 replies)

5th?
Oh well. Here's one from the vaults.

I had a veruca many years back that the doctor froze off, cue much pain, having an inch diameter, blood filled blster on the sole of my foot due to this was excruciating.
Any hoo, a year later I noticed I had a couple of warts on my lower back and thought "I don't want to go through that pain again, I'll just try to pick them off".
These warts were stubborn buggers, and I couldn't seem to get them to loosen up their grip on me. They just started bleeding and reattached themselves.
One drunken night I decided I was going to get the better of these things. I imagine DIY wart removal using a pair of sewing scissors and a pair of mirrors so you can see what you're doing is difficult. Doing this drunk tends to result in a horror film look of scratches where you've missed the target, dug out bits of skin where you've gone in too deep and claret. Lots of claret.

Edit:only just read the cover story, oh well, guess I wasn't the only one
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:29, Reply)

A few months back a few of us from work decided it was hightime to relive our childhood and play british bulldog.
If you've not played before the rules are here en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_bulldogs_%28game%29#Rules.

Well what with it being midnight and us being drunk someone got hurt.
A five inch stick was pretruding from Tom's hand (thats not his real name ... or is it? ). Cue much poking and vomiting.

First we hack sawed the end off, next we twisted it before finally giving it a good yank.

No blood , no infection and it healed fine with only a little scar.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Pearoast
A mate of mine had a girlfriend for a year before getting...ahem...'intimate'. He was waiting for the right time. The right time came on an excursion to Scarborough. Being in the hotel room next to them, I heard the gory details, included a large 'aaaaiiiiiieeee!!! It hurts'

Apparently, the guy covered his member with soap (for lubrication), and caused the girl great pain with it.

She thought it was best to see a doctor so, waking me up in the process, we went to the hospital, where she discharged after a few hours (ba dum tish!).

Unfortunately, the mate of mine, had forgot to wash off the soap after the incident, and by now, it formed an ever-tightening seal around his member. Causing him not only great pain, but worse, walking around with an erection wherever he went.

After a few days he told me that he had visited the GUM clinic, and said that he should soak his soldier in warm water for a few hours. Even then, it would take upto 3 days for his little guy to regain natural dimensions.

Never one to take doctors advice, he invented a quicker way.

He mastrubated with a piece of sandpaper.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:27, 5 replies)

Erm...
I lost three limbs in an accident, leaving me with only one arm.

Luckily, I was in a scrapyard full of spare parts.

I used my lighter and a bottle of vodka to sanitize my penknife, and then, all using only my one (not even my good one), I fixed myself up with a working pair of bionic legs and a giant bionic arm which I call Mjolnir and use to crush my enemies.

Will that do?
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:26, Reply)

Sixth, damnit
I was looking at tooltray online while waiting for the QOTW and I got distracted.
(IdlePeAcEsign if trouble were my mistress, i'd send her to them, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Armpit of DOOM
Bored one evening, I found that the tag of skin that I have under my armpit had got worryingly large.

So I cut it off with a pair of nail scissors, as you do when you're bored.

Didn't hurt in the slightest, but one thing I didn't realise was the amount of blood contained in your average armpit. To whit: Quite a lot.

In my frenzied, naked attempts to stem the flow, I bled on myself, the bed, the carpet, the bathroom and most of the kitchen, before wrapping myself in enough of the first aid kit to look much like an apprentice Mummy.

"How, in the name of buggery", I thought to myself as a large, red hand-print smeered the mirror, "did I end up here?"

And: "I'm shaving my armpit. Do I do the other one to match?"

And: "I'm blogging this."

Come the morning, I ripped off the industrial-sized plaster, only for even more blood to spurt everywhere. Only one thing for it: back to the blood-soaked kitchen and a red hot knife to cauterize it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

And:

"Oh fuck. Are you still bleeding?"

Full 12" remix of this story, and actual pictures: HERE
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:20, 5 replies)

My finger nails were too long
So I cut them down a bit with a pair of clippers.
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:19, 2 replies)

Eep!
I feel like I'm up on a stage on my own in front of all those people.
Stagefright!

mumble.... splinters... mumble
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:19, Reply)

Not for the squeamish
Years ago when I was a young riverghost and working as a roadie a charming young lady was kind enough to give me crabs.
While working very long hours I didn't get time to visit a doctors and an old road dog noticed my constant scratching and
readjustment of my gentleman's garden and told me an old trick.
So I went off to the khazi with a bottle of lighter fluid and liberally dosed myself round the affected area.
I should point out that the treatment was the application of the fluid not an ingnited pubis.
The first thing that I noticed the boys got incredibly cold, then a not unbearable burning. After a day also noticeable was a large
ammount of skin pealage. End result though; couple of days and everything back to normal and no crabs.
My Parents would be so proud.
( riverghost servicing your mum since, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:19, 5 replies)

I was first. I am very proud of myself.
Edit - sometimes I pick at spots. That's about all I've got for this week.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 12:13, 3 replies)