Hardcore 'shippers.
For those of you who don't know, "shipper" is the name given to people who obsess over the relationships of fictional couples. You can't read anything about a TV show these days without someone mooning over some shitty couple on it. Fair enough if you enjoy them, but the idiots who go too far and fight and throw insults around and go absolutely mental if you think their favourite couple is a bit crap drive me up the wall. The comments sections on TV review sites are often a mass of people tearing shreds out of each other over people who don't even exist. It happens in the movies too. Look at all the dumb little teen girls lashing out over Bella and Edward and the werewolf.

What's wrong with these idiots? How pathetic does your life have to be for you to act like that? Do they forget the characters are fictional? I'm assuming that they have no chance what so fucking ever of getting any romance or even a shag themselves so they have to fixate over fictional characters getting some instead.

I don't understand it at all and it drives me nuts.
(gstorm, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 2:47, 3 replies)

Some people don't know
how to walk on the pavement these days. Well it’s not that difficult, there’s hardly a whole host of ways. Here they come, love’s young dream, arm in arm, approaching me -- now, I’m not looking for your smile, I’m just asking for some single file... But it’s not forthcoming so I have to assume that this narrow path belongs to you and therefore you must be the Duke of Westminster and his good lady wife! So, I tell you what, I’ll just walk in the road... how about I just walk in the road... you stay as you are, and I’ll just walk in the road...

L'enfer? C'est les autres. Tous sauf M. Nigel Blackwell, bien sur.
(Rise and Fall of the Atomic Cabbage Haven't you heard of suspension of disbelief?, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 1:34, 5 replies)

Those snide conniving bastards
who use software to snipe your bids AUTOMATICALLY two seconds before the auction closes so that EVEN IF YOU SIT UP TILL 2AM to watch it finish you CAN'T bid again before time runs out and you lose those novelty fridge magnets of kittens in beermugs you were going to get your aunt for her birthday and hnn hnn HNNNN HNNNNNNN I am going to go for a lie down
(Rise and Fall of the Atomic Cabbage Haven't you heard of suspension of disbelief?, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 1:32, 10 replies)

I once got
some cheap tickets to go and see a well known London ska-pop band playing a super-secret gig.

Trouble was the venue was some pissy little pub in a godforsaken suburb where the hand of London Underground had never set foot and it would take me three buses to get there, meaning I would have had to leave for home after approximately the first song.

Worse still, this was at a point in my life a few years ago where due to certain stupidities on my part I'd lost my driving licence, and had sold my car as a consequence (to keep me out of temptation to drive anyway on 'special occasions' -- just like this one in fact).

So I called up a mate of mine who did have a car, explained the position, and asked if he wouldn't mind giving me a lift to the gig in return for the other ticket to see the Nutty Boys.

To which his response was "Fuck off, you're just trying to set up an atrocious pun for a b3ta QOTW, aren't you?"
(Rise and Fall of the Atomic Cabbage Haven't you heard of suspension of disbelief?, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 1:14, Reply)

Jesus
You lot need a nice sit down and a cup of tea* and about 100mg of Valium, hourly.

*Don't give a toss if it's milk first or after.
(Speshal, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 22:56, 3 replies)

Ugly female newsreaders

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 21:27, 6 replies)

The wife
She sneezes four or five times every morning when she wakes up.
Why oh why is it so fucking irritating?
( mugwump In summary then, oh no. Chris., Fri 5 Oct 2012, 21:21, 3 replies)

Newsreaders
Who say erm, um or err.
Sack them.
Fuck it, shoot them.
(SwampyBob, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 21:00, 2 replies)

Moaners
People (of which I seem to know many) who moan. More specifically, people who moan about stuff WITHOUT MAKING THE SLIGHTEST EFFORT TO CHANGE IT.

I always fall into the trap of enraging myself about it as well - If someone moans about their job, first question is "So what else have you applied for? How come that's not going so well?" I should have learnt by now that the answer is invariably "Well, there's no point, is there?" which can be (although that's not to say it always is) an euphemism for "Nothing. Which is exactly why it's not going so well.".

Anyone who moans about MPs and their high profile bad behaviour - BE THE MIRACLE! Make the change! We live in a wonderful democracy where you (yes, YOU!) can be that MP. You can be the one to hold your head up high and say "Yes. I'm the one MP that isn't corrupt"

Anyone who moans about an ongoing ache or pain that (and this is the important bit) remains undiagnosed and untreated because you haven't taken yourself to a professional person who deals with fixing these things (Physios, Doctors, hell, I'll even forgive you if you've seen a homeopath about it. At least you're doing something about it)

Moaning. Grrr! It drives me nuts!

NOTE: This isn't a moan - it's a call to action! Is something wrong? Then fix it!
(Benjimawoo, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 20:47, 4 replies)

Put the kettle on
but for the love of suffering fuck, there is NO CUNTING NEED to fill the thing to the brim to make one, or even two, cups of tea or coffee.

I'm not a green activist or anything, but the waste of energy in doing this somehow drives me mad. See also - TVs on in an empty room or even worse left on all night, mobile phone or laptop chargers left constantly on, people who can't take a shower in under 5 minutes...
(TheImmortalJenkins, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 20:08, 10 replies)

people who answer qotw with a disparaging comment about other people's comments

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 20:07, 8 replies)

I don't think I've been annoyed with anything trivial since the 1970s.
I remember getting a bit annoyed that my little brother never quite lined up his panini stickers. I've been pretty mellow since then.

You should probably all have a nice cup of tea and tell yourselves that life is too short. Or worry about something genuinely useful. I don't know ... pandas or some shit.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 20:05, 3 replies)

Bending a perfectly good piece of music to an advertising task and rewriting the lyrics.
As I think PMGT said, sometimes I have to get to the remote and mute the TV within three seconds.

I can live with it if there's a cheeky cockney knees-up tune on the radio while exhorting us to visit a local caravan retailer, but when you get the fucking Halifax advert with a choir howling 'I'll be there' mournfully I want to stab myself in the ears with an icepick.

Pirelli just having a version of Nessun Dorma playing in the background is fine, re-lyricing Beach Boys 'Good Vibrations' to try and flog you lawn fertiliser can also fuck off.

The jury's still out with that Pulp (EDIT Yes, it was Blur) track on the British Gas advert but what Persil did to 'We Will Rock You' sung by pot-banging out-of-tune kids made me reach for the control so quickly I almost broke a knuckle on the sofa arm.

Fucking ad execs!
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 5 Oct 2012, 19:50, 4 replies)

You're at the cinema. Shut the fuck up.
When exactly did it become acceptable for people to talk during the film? I don't mean leaning over to whisper to your mate who's struggling to follow the plot, I mean having a full blown conversation, possibly while texting.
I should have the legal right to beat people like this to death.
(Big D, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 19:13, 4 replies)

Just one really.....
anyone who thinks just because some cunt on TOWIE or somewhere 'invents' a word like 'amazeballs' or 'reem' or says someone is 'well jell' that that word/phrase is somehow admittable into the English language.
If a cunt said it first, it's a cunty word. And does not belong. Unless you're speaking English for Cunts.
( Sallyrsm, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 19:07, 4 replies)

This isn't about a single person as such...
...more about the people who decieded to put semicolons in Java.

My god, the amount of hours I've spent in Eclipse (whch regularly fails to point out missing semicolons unlesss you move the cursor off the line) wondering why I can't get the motherplopping thing to compile exceeds the amount of time I've been alive.





WHY ORACLE SUN WHY?

EDIT: I can't switch to another coding language as I am writing mods for Minecraft, and it's written in Java (with some amusing notes and javadocs actually :D)
(D.I.pshit solved another case on, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 19:05, 6 replies)

People who say "skedule" instead of "schedule"
Unless they are American.

When I hear "Skedule" it makes me feel stabby. Very, very stabby.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 18:42, 3 replies)

Stephen Fry
Julie Burchill got it spot on with "a stupid person's idea of what an intelligent person is like".

By association, therefore, Apple devices of any sort are also deeply annoying.
(ubergeekian, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 18:42, 12 replies)

Just one really...
Those fucktards who believe the english language is not only set in stone, but that the particular version they learn't is the correct one. Dumb cunts. Apart from that I find other affectations, failures and strangenesses entertaining.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 5 Oct 2012, 18:29, 1 reply)

Troll Trawlers
who crawl around threads spewing their own kind of personal bile on the posts of rational beings.

There y'go chaps, door's open, it's all yours.................
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Fri 5 Oct 2012, 18:16, 5 replies)

Wheelie luggage twats
People with wheelie luggage with extendible handles on escalators (particularly on the Tube in That London). Most drop the handle when getting on, carry it, then as soon as they step off the escalator, stop and fumble about trying to extend the handle again as they can't be arsed carrying it a few yards clear of the end. What they don't seem to realise is that there are other people behind them who are being spat off the escalator, and they are blocking it, with a serious pile-up being a real possibility. I've found the best way of avoiding this scenario happening is to treat them to a flying shoulder-charge in the back. Not only is seeing them face-planting deeply satisfying, but you also have the get-out card of 'sorry, you were blocking the escalator and I couldn't stop'. I commend this course of action to the board.
(redexile, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:56, 4 replies)

People that state as "facts" about something they only "think" is true.
This invariably leads to arguments as they can't then back down when proven wrong.

You know the scene, "Black is blue." they say. "End of argument.".
As the discussion leads to them realizing it's obviously bollocks, they try to bring in other factors to argue about, trying to avoid the inevitable.

The final agressive "WELL I THOUGHT IT WAS!" doesn't really get them off the hook.

I try the "Isn't black blue?" approach, as it's much easier to settle for all involved.

Although the Viz "Avoid long-winded arguments by immediately punching anyone that disagrees with you" does seem to have its merits.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:12, 6 replies)

something that is happening too much in my office right now...
there are three (was previously four, luckily it's all done for one of them) girls in my office who are all getting married over the next year.

Every day, at least one of them has to start up a conversation around my desk area about the location, or how their fiancé is trying to stay out of organizing it, or how the dress fittings are going.

Every chance any of them get, they try to drop wedding-planning anecdotes into conversation.

It never ends.

It was nice news at the start, mildly interesting after that, but a whole year of this is really pissing me off, and there is at least a year to go.

Why can't people propose and just get married the following week?
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:06, 3 replies)

Two things that really drive me up the wall?
Xenophobics and French people.

Bastards.
( Muns, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:48, 2 replies)

Simples!
Anyone who signs off a comment on the internet with the word "Simples." Usually after gifting us with a short and monumentally ill-judged political insight of theirs after reading a poorly disguised propaganda piece about how an MP had the temerity to spend some public money on a stapler or something. As in "Just hang them all. Simples."

Those people should all be recycled into a low grade lubricant or perhaps some sort of wall-filler.

And if anyone agrees with this by posting "THIS!", they should join them.
(cutofyourjib, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:25, 10 replies)

right then, here we go...
HKLP (holds knife like pen) scum.

Eating takeaway food on public transport

Chewing gum (admittedly I have chewed gum from time to time ergo – I am a peasant)

ASDA

Children with pierced ears

Eating crisps (see chewing gum)

Stella Artois

Restaurants with pictures of the food on their menu

Three quarter length trousers on blokes

IKEA - just let me go to the fucking wardrobes!

Showing too much cleavage/thigh/leg or wandering around the town centre on a sunny day with no shirt

Hair ‘scrunchies’ worn around the wrist

‘Leisurewear’

Spitting

Sniffing

Lambrini

Driving around in a tarted up Nova playing drum and bass and saying ‘innit’ a lot

Football shirts

Love bites

Wearing your slippers to the shops

Asking people to remove their shoes in your house FUCK OFF this is not the 1700’s I do not have clods of fucking manure stuck to me

Smacking children

Smoking in public places (awaits flaming) and yes I used to smoke

Tracksuit bottoms tucked into socks just what is is that about

Hen nights – pissed up braying tarts, lovely

Eating in supermarket ‘canteens’

Rolling up the end of the toothpaste tubes – gladly this is a dying practice due to plastic tubes

Musical doorbells

Plastic fucking butterflies on the outside of your chavvy bastard house

Gold jewelry

Covers for phones iPods etc

Excessive Christmas decorations

Eating a donner kebab in the street

People who put harnesses on bull terriers

Eating at a Harvester ‘Pub’ - what's with the fucking wooden spoon nonsense. And i'll pay AFTER i've eaten thank you.

People who crunch ice cubes

Artex

Laminate flooring

‘settee’ it’s a sofa you fucking pleb

‘Spag Bol’

Monobloc where you used to have a lawn and now you park your Vauxhall on it

Vauxhalls

The Welsh

Fat people (see ASDA/ supermarket ‘canteens’)

Drinking from a can of lager on a train

Fluffy toys on the parcel shelf/dashboard

The vast majority of frozen food (except peas obviously)

Marrowfat peas

Americans

People who don’t like seafood – invariably scum

Bingo

carrying keys with excessive key fobs and widgets on them

wearing a shirt darker than your tie

women dancing in their bare feet

women walking home after a night at some cattlemarket in their bare feet

arguing in public

wearing a black tie to anything other than a funeral or formal occasion

pre-tied bow ties at black tie do's

put your fucking flabby midriff away woman

excessively styled hair

'popped' collars

"i aint done nuffink" and other such double negatives, split infinitives and so on

car plates with an unusual font - zapf chancery all in caps - classy

getting married in a novelty setting or costume
(unless of course its a vegas elvis wedding chapel - but only if you are not american)

wearing tights with peep toe shoes

not being able to use chopsticks

... i really do have to stop
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:23, 41 replies)

Quick reminder lolGreat NorternBash Saturday Gth Manchester.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:12, Reply)

Abbreviated Slang
The use of the words like 'Ream' for 'really amazing' or when someone says 'that is amaze' instead of amazing...or even totesafuckingmazeballs.

These people give society a ministroke every time they are uttered.

FUNTS.

edit: Just read through and realised I'm not the first to mention it...
(ukraine space monkey, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 15:39, 12 replies)

Something small, seemingly insignificant, but ultimately a prize bastard of the highest order.
I'm not sure why it was invented and it appears to be the sole domain of the cuntish. It encourages behaviour that is generally deemed to be rude, and the people who feel the need to use it usually need some sense beating into them with a baseball bat wrapped in rusty barbed wire.

Caps lock.

I've actually edited the registry on all of my home PC's to make the fucking thing function as a regular shift key. Work wouldn't allow this though, so I removed the key, pulled the rubber insert out, destroyed it and replaced the fucking thing, completely without function. They viewed this as acceptable.
( Muns, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 14:17, 18 replies)

I once got a lift to a pop concert.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 13:47, 2 replies)