The evils of gastropubs
At the end of the road on which I used to live there was a traditional pub. It wasn’t the most earth-shatteringly amazing pub in the world, but it was handy when you wanted to be able to go out for a few jars and know that home was two hundred metres away. After I’d lived there for about a year, they sold out to some ghastly gastropub chain, which wasted no time in stripping down all the seasoned wood and replacing it with enough glass and burnished steel to rebuild Docklands.

Just to give it the benefit of the doubt, I did go there one night to see what they had to offer. The real ales had been replaced by whichever Eurolagers were trending at the time, but at least they had weißbier. They also had a range of dishes involving rocket, cracked sea salt and sun-dried tomatoes, and it was early summer so I had a poncey salad. The chemical interaction between alcohol and bruschettas was beginning to react, and I started thinking what a shame it was that I never cooked anything really adventurous at home.

Several pints of weißbier later, I returned to the flat and fired up the internet, determined to stock up on the most exotic and gourmet ingredients. Hark, what Amazon from yonder Windows breaks? Is that organic sea salt I see? Better get a whole fucking 1.5 kg bucket of it for all the haute cuisine I’m going to be making from now on. Let’s see…what else can I add to my magical basket of mail-ordered superfluousness? It’s summer now; what if, rather than jetting off somewhere expensive and sunburny, I actually got a paddling pool for the garden and invited my mates round? Brilliant! We’ll have barbecues and beers and there’ll be girls in bikinis (with a bit of luck), and paddling pools aren’t that expensive. Proceed to check-out, no gift-wrapping, enter card details, bed.

I was jolted awake the next morning by the sober light of day and was struck by the cold, hard realisation that there was no place in my life for either a bucket of salt or a pool. Twitching and gibbering with rage at having thrown my hard-earned money away, I threw a massive attention-seeking hissy fit on my favourite message board on the other side of the world.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 15:31, 8 replies)

Spotted my old Secondary School Bully.
Lacking a convenient Honda, I pretended he was invisible as he staggered up the steps to his flat (he was carrying an orrery - of all the weird things - in his huge, ham-like hands).

In hindsight, it had been inevitable bullying. I was a campy, childish late-bloomer from a tiny primary in the sticks, he was already on the brink of shaving. But still, I was distressed that all the old feeling could come flooding back, when my torment should have been wrapped up with school days, several decades ago.

Later on, I had to polish off a bottle of homemade pomegranate vodka - my friend wanted the bottle back to continue his distillery experimentation, and I felt like an arse having something as pretentious as pomegranate vodka knocking around anyway. Sadly, my thoughts continued to buzz toward my tormentor - and the vodka (though not tasting in any way of pomegranate, whatever the hell thats supposed to taste like) went down too sleekly for a light-weight like me.

That bastard. Unlike the lying propaganda of Disney (wherein all villains are either bright and weedy or dumb and stupid) his ham-like fists sat on top of cruelly clever tongue. I was brighter than him in the long-run, but when put on the spot, he could crush me either which way. And he seemed utterly fearless.

Hold. Utterly fearless? There was that time in class when we discuss weird phobias; I hate clowns, he hated pirates. Some sort of bad dream when he was tiny.

A Grand Plan for vengeance was constructed: a plan for a crushing humiliation of my enemy. A glorious cacophony of stewed revenge would be spilled over his head; all I needed to do was buy essentials and I would pounce like a tiger! Off to eBay!

*****

Woke up the next day with a fearsome hangover, sick in the sink, half a sandwich (with no filling?) clutched in my hand and very definitely poisoned. It was only when I started receiving stuff off eBay I recalled there had been a Grand Plan. It involved pirates, I remember, but I'm intrigued to know how it involved:


x2 Inflatable Unicorns. Obviously, two were necessary to the Grand Plan, in case one burst. Obviously.

Equally, x2 'Cannonball' class bowling-balls. Probably the closest I could get to real cannonballs.

Guidebook to Palaces of the UK - I have no idea where this came in; possibly I mistook 'pirates' for 'palaces'? A festering bit of tat if there ever was one, and sadly in my possession.

Misadventures of a Big Mouth Brit, piers Morgan. Worst buy of the lot; even looking at the cover contaminates my soul. Maybe my backup plan was to give said bully this?

x2 toy Trumpets, annoying child-at-christmas variety. Pirates use trumpets, don't they? Known for it.

Fawlty towers - probably just an impulse buy rather than part of the Grand Plan, but Jesus what a rip-off! It was well expensive for just 6 episodes, and on VHS too - I'll never be able to play it.

A picture postcard - features those ugly tenements that they are planning to blow up in Glasgow for the games. Since I knew he lived in a block of flats, I think I was planning to use them as research on how to break into his flat. The mind boggles.

Ocean of Tears, from Alice in Wonderland. A rather horrible song, from some twee, dreadful version of the Disney film. Think I clicked on this by accident - I am sure I was looking for ocean, flags, pirate.

2 pirate Flags. Obviously this would be necessary - the Grand Plan clearly required it - but at this point I had got eBay stuck on sending me two of everything. Still no idea how?!

x2 Dr Who novels. It was called 'rags', and its series-obsessive crap. If you want to know more, it seems that the entire plot is available for free on its wikipedia entry. So: a really, really great buy, oh yes.

x2 Airfix ferryboats. A pirate needs his boat, thus quite vital to the Grand Plan. By this point I can conclude that I was so far gone I lacked functioning eyeballs, though to be fair, they don't look that un-piractical. The Pirates Ferryboats of the Poole Harbour - maybe I can get Jerry Buckheimer interested.

x2 Scimitars. Pirate needs his scimitar, of course. Apparently he also needs real fancy metal ones - two of them - for a terrifying amount of money. They're bloody lethal looking, and I literally gibbered when these showed up.

x2 pirate scarves - pirates being widely known for their scarves, of course. I'm not sure how making a tightly striped black & white scarf makes it 'pirate', but that’s what the description says, and apparently eBay was designed with drunken tools like me in mind.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 17:39, 6 replies)

Lepidoptera
I was once drunkenly browsing an on line forum for fans of Lepidoptera. Their shop allowed you to have your own personal favourite printed onto a tshirt.

I spend ages looking for the perfect design, but gave up and spent a couple of hours in MS Paint designing my own. I woke up the next morning thinking no more about it.

A week later a parcel arrived containing a tshirt with the most hideous pair of wings on it, a really awful creation.

It was only when I was laying in the bath later, that I realised that I had accidently pasted my own moth.
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 21:33, 4 replies)

It wasn't ebay, but
around 10 years ago, the ex wife had been out to one of her many girl's nights out. She staggered upstairs extremely drunk to find me similarly pished, sat on my PC. I can't remember exactly what I was doing, probably playing Dopewars, or looking at ebaumsworld, or some other thing that people did back before the internet filled up with douchebags. A night chucking down red aftershock and vodka had rendered me in a fit enough state to consider a bit of drunken bonking, which after a mere 3 years of marriage was probably the only kind of shagging that remained even slightly sexy, so I retired to the boudoir... my ex, however, had suddenly become interested in the internet and was farting around looking at online shops. I have no idea how she resisted my manly charms, but as I lay waiting for her to come to bed, I inevitably conked out. When I woke up the next day, she was up before me as usual and life went on as normal.

Normal, that is, until the following tuesday, when the postman knocked on the door. He had a parcel that wouldn't fit in the letter box. I took it in, it was addressed to the ex so I gave her it and her face immediately went red as the memories rushed back.

Yes. It was one of them.

'The Jelly Green Giant' was the name on the box. It looked like the incredible hulk's arm, complete with realistically rendered veins. Whoever it was modelled on was obviously some kind of a genetic freak, even if their's wasn't made of transparent green rubber.

It was not particularly useful for the job it was supposed to do. Remember, the thing didn't fit in the letter box, so fitting it in my ex's box was only marginally easier. It mainly lived in a drawer, where it would glare ominously at me whenever I went for some socks.

I remember having a plan to plant it in the front garden for all the neighbours to see when we split up, but the locks were changed before I could do it. Probably for the best, if it had toppled over it could have squashed a small child.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 5:16, 19 replies)

My younger brother
got really pissed, went on the internet when he got in, and then forgot all about it. Over the course of the following fortnight, he received around a dozen parcels. Inside each one was the rear badge from an Austin Allegro.
(cs1ca, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 21:45, 4 replies)

Not drunk but I saw a guy using an infrared thermometer with a laser beam on it
and just had to have one. About thirteen quid off of Amazon, it's a great toy if you spend a lot of time alone.
My back wall is currently 20.5C, my ceiling is 21C, freezer -18C and my woodburner last night was 382C.
Every boy should have one.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 15 Apr 2014, 18:03, 20 replies)

If you're in the habit of getting drunk on your own in front of the computer you've probably got more to worry about than buying stuff on ebay.

( Zuowan, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 18:08, 5 replies)

Laser rangefinder
It was on offer on Amazon and was only about 20 quid. I had no practical use for it but though it was cool. I now know the exact distance from my sofa to various points around the room.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sat 12 Apr 2014, 13:00, 3 replies)

I was shopping in the local sainsburys when I saw a big 600gm plastic container of whole cardamon seeds
"That might be nice if ever I'm making a curry", I thought as I put it in my basket. When I got home my wife asked the obvious question, "Why the fuck did you buy so many cardamon seeds, you're never going to use them?". I didn't really have any comeback as it occured to me that having never used this strong tasting and unground spice before, I'd have to commence spooning it over every meal for a year to get through it.
About three months later, having not used it at all, I was in the same Sainsburys, drunk from the pub, when I saw a big 600gm plastic container of whole cardamon seeds.
"That might be nice if ever I'm making a curry", I thought as put in my basket. It wasn't until I opened the pantry at home and saw the other jar that I remembered I'd already done this exact same thing before. They're both still there. Anyone know a good recipe that includes using a kilo of cardamon seeds?
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 16:09, 16 replies)

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 15:45, Reply)

A geiger counter
To be fair, it wasn't expensive and I've always wanted one.

So far I have used it to confirm that there's more background radiation in Devon than there is in Sussex.

And that's all. So not really a useful purchase.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 10:47, 6 replies)

a 1920's masonic fez
Has a neat sphinx head and jeweled tassel on it.

Wore it to the storage unit one time, got 33% off cardboard boxes ever since.
(yeswehavenopasties, Sun 13 Apr 2014, 1:58, 1 reply)

Whilst incredibly drunk once I lost a bit of self control.
I spent a fortune on dental products on Ebay.
I then went out and ate a hideous kebab.
I insulted the man serving me with some disgusting language.
The man then punched me in the teeth.
I was then sick.

Long story short, I was too pissed for my own mouth.
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 11:15, Reply)

Apple servers.
Broken student, drinking boxed wine and eating ramen. Woke up with a call from apple: "sir, your credit card has been refused".

"Who is that?"
"It's Apple, sir. Regarding the order you made 4 hours ago". That was like 9am., so you can see when it happened.
"Hang on"

I checked my email. Turns out I bought during the night:
Five apple servers (they don't do those anymore) fully equipped;
Seven wireless printers;
Pretty much every server software they used to sell by then, and...
A webcam. A god damn cheap webcam from Logitech or whatever crap they sold at their website.
Total cost: 80 THOUSAND EUROS. My credit card would probably max out at 300, if that much. I'm glad for that.
(surak, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 21:47, 5 replies)

no regrets
3" inflatable vibrating butt plug. Recommended
(unclestinky, Sat 12 Apr 2014, 6:22, 7 replies)

Pissed from lunchtime session, threw up on train on way home from work after sloping off early
Staggered from station needing something to soak up the booze. Seemed too early for takeaway so bought a nice big expensive hunk of steak from a proper butcher for silly money.

Got it home and microwaved it.
(Ronnie Spleen MMMMNEURRGH I AM A GAY SPAZ AND I LOVE IT UP MY BU, Sat 12 Apr 2014, 1:06, Reply)

Star Wars arcade machine...
The original vector one from the 80s. Bargain price but in my drunken state the distance was misjudged. I'm in Liverpool, machine in Aberdeen and since I'd been to Glasgow a few times I thought what the hell, not realising Glasgow is the halfway point. 18 hours in a rental van, not fun. Machine was ace tho after a bit (lot) of fettling :)
(Outrun Is it the weekend yet?, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 21:39, 6 replies)

Ginspiration
I'm drunk quite a lot (and a better person for it), and come up with really good business ideas that don't make much sense the next day. I was surprised one morning by a package that came through the door of 50 signed Freddie Starr photographs that I'd bought off ebay to resell on ebay.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 20:41, 3 replies)

I was refused entry to Moomin World in Finland
after a boozy lunch in the Naantali sunshine. They're canny though, the old Finns, because rather than call security on the loutish Brit with the loud voice they simply steered me away from the hordes of vulnerable children and towards the gift shop.

Ten years later I am still giving away Moomin branded tat. If anyone wants a small t-shirt or a pair of slippers, drop me a line.

I am keeping the towel though; it's adorable. And barely has any sick on it.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 15:36, 2 replies)

Woke up with the laptop next to me in bed, and several shopping sites still displayed on the screen.

Over the next few days I was presented with a game called 'penguin pile up', a giant gummy bear, a functional ex-soviet gas mask and a multi tool. I wish I knew what my drunk self was planning to construct from that array of objects.
(rikku_dreamer, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 0:51, 3 replies)

I got pissed on Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters
whilst out on the lash with, oh, some Sontarans, and I drunkenly bought a

M A S S I V E
J A R

of PICKLED ONIONS.

Oh WHAT DO DO with them. WHAT TO DO.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 21:36, 8 replies)

Got drunk. Bought a Thai bride.
Embarrassing. I hate women and foreigners.
(Andrew Avetoom, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 20:56, 4 replies)

from thailand
an electric blue neon sign that said "massages". in my drunken state, i thought it would be HILARIOUS to pay about £30 plus £10 postage for this, so i could put it in my flatmate's bedroom.

then i forgot all about it, until about 6 weeks later i got one of those cards from the royal mail. i thought someone had sent me an exciting present, but no. no, it was my tacky and stupid joke sign.

not only was it a thai plug (well, duh. what kind of idiot didn't know that? er...) but the cable was so short that i don't know how you'd ever manage to plug it in, unless you wanted to advertise massages on the floor.

it came all the way from thailand, and was in the bin in london by the end of the day. i might as well have taken out four £10 notes and pissed on them :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 16:57, 15 replies)

The drunken purchase: a 10x8 heavy duty T&G shiplap shed, from a bloke in the pub, last Friday. £150. Bargain.

The sober purchases, when it failed to appear, fully formed, in my garden:

Delivery: £25
15 concrete blocks for base: £25
5 sleepers for base: £100
Bits of wood to replace ground level rot/stuff I broke dismantling the thing: £60
Wood treatment: £50
3.5x3m EPDM roofing sheet + adhesive: £150
Screws + bolts: £20
Then there's the two days' labour, and counting.

On the plus side - SHED!!!
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 22:11, 47 replies)

A Car...
... yes, a car! I woke up to find I'd instagramed a video of me singing 'Dust in the Wind' very, very poorly and a load of notifications from eBay telling me my bid was close to ending and finally one saying my bid had won.

Clicking on the link resulted in a Jaguar XJR staring back at me...

I've still no knowledge of buying it...

It worked well... for a while... Knackered now :(
(JediHomer Weebles wobble, some fall down, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 13:03, 4 replies)

Maybe I was the seller...?
I once sold an RAF immersion suit on eBay. The buyer was in Portugal, and he ended up paying about as much in postage as he did for the item.

So I was rather surprised when it came back, some weeks later, marked "unable to deliver". I emailed the buyer; he didn't give any coherent explanation, but said he'd send the postage a second time.

I never heard from him again. The suit is still in the box waiting to be sent. Or sold again.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 12:38, Reply)

REpost
I bought a full size bear suit
One friday I decided it would be a great idea to try and drink my weight in cheap cask wine.
Sadly I failed and only drunk half of the required five litres, but oon the plus side i woke up the next day wondering what the hell I had been up to the night before. A quick check of my computer history tells me I was in ebay. It seems I had bought a full size mascot quality bear suit.

Why? Who the fuck knows?

Moral of the story?

Dont mix large amounts of cheap wine with the internet and credit cards.
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Tue 15 Apr 2014, 2:42, 9 replies)

E's
..when I was already off my tits. During a rather hazy period in the 90's I would go out, get off my head and buy a couple of spares for next time. Then i'd come home and put them somewhere "safe" (ie fuck knows where). For years afterwards I would open a box or a drawer and find drugs. It made life interesting, if a tad precarious.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 13:24, 29 replies)

Slabs
Mrs Strump wanted the broken slabs at the side of our house replacing with some 3 x 2 concrete ones. We needed 3.

Not paying the £9 each delivered from our local place, I venture onto ebay after a Saturday afternoon session and proceed to buy the slabs at £4.20 each, with free delivery. Aye aye, result.

The reason they were £4.20 each was that I had purchased the minimum of 30. They arrived, and 2 years later I still have about 13 left in my garage. £6 each, buyer collects.
(Strump striving for imperfection since, Sun 13 Apr 2014, 18:50, 8 replies)