We all live to fight again, I suppose
Though other interesting failures include:

- Failing my AS levels, first time around.
Due to discovering the wonders of underage drinking and late nights wanking furiously to Vivid's finest. Had to spend two years with the chavvy little oiks I spent 5 years mocking at secondary school. Fucksocks. Passed at the second go though.

- Failing to forge a life of fortune and fame.
Due to ignoring an offer of a trial at Southend United (back when they were shit) because I couldn't be arsed getting out of bed. 3 or 4 years later they're in the Championship. Fucksocks, I'm fat and useless now.

and, last but not least;

- Failing GCSE Photography.
In the most dismal fashion, with a mark of 0 for everything, because they transferred me from Art 8 weeks before the end of a 2 year course, so I didn't bother doing any work or turning up for the exam. Big line of 0s in the register. Got an X. Not even the class spaz could come close.

No fucksocks, I was strangely proud.

Edit: to the above, I also hate Jimmy Fuckface Wankcunt Carr. I can't see him on the telly without wanting to pop his face.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 10:19, Reply)

Naughty
Sheesh, you have my sympathies there. I've had some spectacular failures on the lady front myself over the years and a female administered kick in the plums smarts like no other.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 9 Jan 2007, 10:04, Reply)

Naughty Horse Fails Again!
Those of you who remember my posts for previous QOTWs will remember my long history of relationships cunting in new and spectacular ways - well, just to let you know I haven't let you down, I've gone and cunted in another one.

After 18 months of reasonably blissful happiness, my (now ex) fiancee turned around to me last night and said that for the entire length of our relationship she'd been in love with someone else, and that the only way we can be 'normal' is if she never sees or speaks to me again. Not the maddest, but certainly the most damning. Cocks to everything.

Ho hum. Maybe the next one will be normal.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 9:55, Reply)

I've never been able to rollerskate
tbh, I'd just look retarded if I did. People would point. "Look at the rolling flid" they'd say.

Could never skip either. Fucking girl's sport anyway.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 9:55, Reply)

Bicycle (Lack-Of ) Proficiency
When I was 10 I was knocked off my bike by a boy racer driving a 'Knight Rider' styled Ford Capri..although badly shaken by the incident, as a 10 year old would be expected to be, I bravely decided I needed to get back onto my bike as soon as.
My mum also decided for me that the best way to keep me safe was to do the Cycling Proficiency test that the local plod ran at our school. Understandably I was lacking confidence on my bike having been nearly squashed like a hedgehog mere weeks before and proceeded to make a right old mess of things and failed the course-the only one out of 20 to do so-..what really capped it off for me was that the sadistic, bullying copper running the course not only took us down the very road -in heavy traffic- Id recently nearly cashed in my chips but was also nice enough to let me hear him say the following to one of my teachers:
'Whats he like in school? If he cant pass this course he must be a complete spastic'.
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 9:18, Reply)

One of me mates from work......
...failed to contact work one night, and uncharacteristically didn't show for work (and neither did his missus either). We thought it odd, but continued regardless.

Found out the next day. His mum had a heart defect and collapsed; was quickly rushed into hospital. While he was there the family were told it was 50/50 for the night. His father was so stressed out by the news that he collapsed with a heart attack also.

So....does he spend what could be his last moments with BOTH of his parents, or leave the hospital to ring work? He opted (rather obviously) to keep his parents company with his girlfriend's support.

Thankfully everything went well for both his parents, and his mother endured and survived a life-saving operation to prevent it from happening again. Me mate and his girlfriend contact our work HR to let them know what has happened, and arrange to come back into work.

Both are given disciplinaries for failing to call in . They were not best pleased. They took the aforementioned mate into a meeting and told him what was happening. He calmly and politely said "No offence, but I value my family over this shithole any day of the week sorry" and walked out back to his desk and carried on working, leaving the disciplinary team gobsmacked. His girlfriend however, went nuts.

Apparently she screamed at them for about 5 minutes, and finished with a royal "Stick your job up your arse" and walked out of the building. He happily got his stuff and followed her. Apparently both have never been happier.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 8:59, Reply)

My mum's kidneys
failed Xmas Day. For those with a medical inclination, her creatin levels were 1,377; for those are not, these toxins are meant to be no more than 50 when you're healthy. By all accounts this is meant to be fatal, and she was in intensive care on my birthday four days later.

However, it is a testament to her sheer stubbornness that not only has she not lost consciousness once throughout, but has in fact been complaining about the 5-27 hour long bouts of dialysis ("no, I want a sub-clav or a femoral line, I'm not having a bloody jugular"). So technically she's failed to die as well as produce any urine, which I'm rather impressed with.

This next part is for every b3tan with a deadline and a ton of crap, especially in uni or college. I've just had a final year uni deadline, which against all expectation and bouncing around the country I've managed to meet. (It'd already been deferred once after she had a heart attack... her timing is impeccable.) Be assured, keep your faith; it is possible to keep going even when you think it won't happen. If anything, I seem to have done better work when scribbling in pencil next to a dialysis machine, just to be able to have a graduation day my mum can be there for.

No length or girth comments, unless you count the ITU tubes, but I've named her kidneys Milli Vanilli, as we're still not sure which one's dead or if the other will do the job it's supposed to.

Cheers.
(TheSpudTeam, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 8:25, Reply)

I constantly fail.....
...to see the funny side of Ricky Gervais. I just don't get it.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 8:14, Reply)

not happy
I have failed to do my history essay in a normal amount of time at a reasonable length of time before it was due in and probably failed to hand it in before the deadline.

I have also definately failed to hand in my psychology before the deadline because unless I'm planning on turning back time there is no way I'm going to get it done in 4 hours when I still have 1400 words of a history essay to write.

great.
(lei, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 5:13, Reply)

Second half of third year
Managed to pass just one topic. Which was the one where I'd been to three lectures and slept in for the exam (another time/place for that one maybe).

Better still was a girl who started same year as I did. Took me 6 years to do my 4yr degree (5 full time equivalent). She was still doing 3rd year 3 years later (all full-time). I think she left of her own accord at her 11th year.
(jair, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 3:21, Reply)

In my first year of uni
We were given a 2000 word essay to write.
"Not a big deal" you say? Well I'm a chemistry student, I chose my degree for my hatred of essays.

Anyway, after reading up on my subject and actually giving a toss I had in my hand a 700 word essay of condensed scientific literature, written in perfect English with flawless spelling, punctuation and grammar.
The marker told me that, though what I had written deserved a first, due to length I had got a 2.2.

This annoyed me slightly, as did the fact that we were given another essay to write the very next day.

Dutifully, I researched my topic.
Willingly, I wrote exactly 2000 words.
Joyfully, I deleted every space, every character of punctuation and all semblance of paragraphs, leaving one big block of text thatlookedsomethinglikethis.

I still remember the look on my lecturers face as I handed him the, now infamous, one word essay with a huge grin on my face.

And that, my fellows, is the beginning of a tale of woe that has made me re-sit this most boring course's second and most frustrating year.
( Pointy Head poked another hole in my anorak on, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 1:36, Reply)

Maths!
Only exam I've failed was one of my maths ones (went from AAA in ASlevel to DDU at Alevel, luckily still a C overall.) I knew I was going to cock it up, because I didn't know the answers. Or understand the questions. After 15 minutes of a 2 hour exam I was done, counted up my marks (you can do that with Maths,) realised if I had got EVERYTHING I attempted right, I'd get 9/60. I lay my head down and went to sleep. Got proded by an invigilator for snoring, and told to 'try some more of the questions.' Just told her I didn't know the answers, and coloured in my entire left hand with biro. You ever notice how much biro stinks when you draw on skin with it? Why is that? And why do ants nests smell so much when you piss on them?

6/60 wasn't too bad really then for what I attempted, thats like 60%.
(Daveh, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 0:46, Reply)

Fuck Carol Voderman, Ocean Finance etc . . . .
I have completely failed to learn the lesson that credit cards and loans are pure evil.
10 years ago I got a loan of £2500 to pay of all my credit cards then promptly maxed them again, a feat I have repeated regularly since then and thus hugely increased my debt.
(garrison, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 22:34, Reply)

Another driving test story
I knew I'd failed my second test after the tester asked me to stop the car, then got out and walked back, leaving me sat waiting for the instructor dude to take us home. Was I hurt by his lack of confidence? No, I was way too stoned to give a toss at that stage. Could be why I'd just pulled out into oncoming traffic.

I still can't drive legally, but neither can I take drugs legally.

Not that that stops me in either case.

So watch it, I might be in your neighbourhood!
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 22:14, Reply)

Tried and Failed
I tried to convince the kids that when the ice cream van is playing music, it means he's ran out of sweets etc.


Costs me a fortune every Tuesday and Friday afternoon.
( The Lurker Plenty One, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 20:08, Reply)

When I was a callow
young 19 year old, I went to a grunge theme night at my provincial university. I suppose it was technically retro, it was 1995 and Cobain had been cold for well over a year.
I knew this girl, mates through mates, a nurse so probably dirty. No chemistry though. She came and sat next to me, said hi. Then pointed out that a mate of hers was interested in me.
She was a stunning redhead, the kind of girl you would not expect to see with a rock twat like me. I looked at her, she did that repeated glancy thing over her shoulder as I sat with her friend.

"Go and talk to her"
"I can't"
"Go on! Don't you think she's pretty?"
"Nah. I've got to go."
"Are you chicken?"

I was, in truth, but I illustrated the main reason by pulling the leg of my jeans taught, revealing the fact that my knee was three times its normal size.

I'd horrendously dislocated my kneecap moshing to the godawful Nirvana covers band. I was going home for some ice, then to get a taxi to casualty.

Don't know if the lady took it as a snub. Fairly academic, as the next time I saw her, when I could walk again, she was with Mr Ruggedly-Handsome 1994. Kicked myself.

And the worst part is that I don't even like Nirvana.
(cs1ca, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 19:31, Reply)

Failure
Thanks B3TA...from reading these posts i don't feel a failure any more....
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 18:42, Reply)

Failed to destroy a car!
Some obscure relative (I think it was my Mum's cousin) bought her son a car for Christmas this year. We've just heard it was in the driveway and she tried to move it but since it was an automatic she managed to accidentally put it in reverse and took out half of her front room by mistake.

Not one scratch on the car, apparently.

Chimney not good enough any more, eh?
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 18:22, Reply)

Failed test
I once failed an english spelling test.

The guy reading out the words was not only not even english, and so read the words wrong "the word is beca*big gap*use" but he had numerous problems with talking in general, stuttering, having a lisp, saying w insted of r, amongst other things.

As he came into the classroom he slurred introduced himself as the substitute teatcher as teacher was "ill".

He said we'd be doing a spelling test (sounded like he said we'd be smelling zest) and gave out paper.

"Guestion 1: and"

and so on, it got difficult to not shout WHAT THE FUCK by number 23

"Guestion 25: Fill off I see" (=Philosiphy, as ill teacher said when she went through it.)

Girl who I will call Sue: "Excuse me sir could you please use it in a sentance"

Sub Dude: "Ok, Fill Officers Studded Fill Off I See" (Philosiphers study Philosiphy)

Whole Class: "WTF"

Girl who I will call Bob: "Whats A Fill Offi..."

At which point Subbie loses it: "SHUUUUUUUUUUUH" (Shut up i think)
...
"Guestion 50" Good, I think, last one "Shrabblepreptate"

Most of class: "WTF sir talk properly"

Sub Dude storms out in a fit matched only by my 10 year old sister when she lost her gameboy. Head of year comes in and says that shes had complaints of staff being "abused". Class explains situation with people shouting "What a twat" and "FUCK" at random intervals.

No-one believed us until the teacher saw that the whole class with 25 of us put together was under 200 marks, and our class was one of the brighter/less chav infested ones.

We retook that test and everyone in the class got 30 marks or above (exept fot the resident thick kid who got 13)

The other day I walked down the highstreet and saw him, he gave me glances as if to say "You fucking cost me my fucking job you fucking fuck"

BTW if you want to see real failure go to google and type in failure then press the "I'm feeling lucky button"...he certainly was, weapons of mass destruction my fucking arse.
(LuckySevenDomino is now the owner of a shiny Wii!, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 18:04, Reply)

nublets
b3tard Failed to read the FAQ

Then failed to blend in.

his mum is thinking of writing to the ginger fuhrer becuase he comes home crying, she thinks hes being bullied.

and she'd be right.

**update**



learning to write

**update2**



also i failed GCSE English (well got an E, which by now is possibly roughly equivalent to a C)
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 17:37, Reply)

I just failed to possibly keep my job....
Problems with their email, so they ring us up and as it is an issue with account details we have to confirm security. This guy speaks to me and I advise him that I have to speak to "Mrs Customer" as she is the named user. He passes the phone over rather hesitantly to her, and I hear not unlike a voice synthesizor;
"I am Mrs Customer. You will speak to Mr Customer as I have motor-neuron disease."
I hit the silent mute button, stop myself laughing, then proceed to fix the issue.
At the end of the call, I finish up by saying "There we go, those emails should be working fine for Mrs Davros."

Hopefully, I don't think he noticed....
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 17:20, Reply)

Did I Fail?
I studied Law at Uni.
I didn´t fail any meaningful (i.e. that actually count towards your final grade) exams at Uni - exam average 68%!
A number of my friends failed one or more exams and had to resit them.
I didn´t manage to find a job with a law firm. My friends all got jobs with law firms.

I´m confused. Did I fail or not?
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 17:09, Reply)

My first driving instructor failed me
The first lesson was ok, even got to drive for a bit too.
The 2nd was heavy rain, but we persisted.
The 3rd was during a thunderstorm, but we persisted.
The 4th was heavy fog, but we persisted.
The 5th was a freak blizzard, but we still persisted.
The 6th was icy as hell ie black ice everywhere, but somehow we still persisted.
Our final lesson was normal, but I knew something would happen. We get to the outskirts of Swansea, when the gearbox of the car caves in and locks into 2nd gear. Nice one God, nice one. I decided enough was enough and didn't bother going for an 8th.

It was a good five years until the next instructor turned up; thankfully God was on his side (even though he was a complete pervert and racist).
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 16:55, Reply)

psychology....
I was a late starter, did sociology, psychology, maffs and inglish at night skool: Dennis the Psych. lecturer was a fantastic bloke, i really enjoyed his lessons but due to fuckwittery/earning a living I missed some of his lessons, come the exam I cram like a mad thing and go in to write like writing was my thing, about 'imprinting'
I come out of there feeling fairly pleased and Dennis ses: howd'it go?
Oh I say, I wrote loads on Imprinting, Lazlo and ducks...
'you fucking idiot' he ses 'its Lorenz and Geese'
I failed to get the expected grade....and an xmas card from Dennis.

I ducked it up, eh?
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 16:47, Reply)

job interview....
I was in France on holiday and failed to maintain the relationship with 'the poison dwarf'...so when I get back to the UK at 6.am i find loads of mail, one offering me a job interview @ 10a.m
So I bathe, shave, unscramble the best shirt in the washpile, iron it and leg it there for 9.55.....a week early.
me being a fuckwit/still half pissed with red wine and remorse for the failure with 'the poison dwarf'
being a further fuckwit I turned up on time the next week and failed to get the job then too... (thought it'd be feckless to at least not try)
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 16:40, Reply)

Almost failed my GCSE Maths exam before I started it....
...as I was walking into the exam hall for some bizarre reason on the top of my voice I decided to shout the entrance music for the "Ultimate Warrior", complete with Air Guitar.

The Deputy Head physically threw me out of the hall, until I said soz.

Also, one of the guys failed his GCSE French Oral exam by turning up completely plastered due to an encounter with a crate of Carling that afternoon, and trying to cop onto the teacher. Not bad for a 16 yr old.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 16:37, Reply)

I saw my favourite tv presenter and tried to say hello
it didn't go very well
(Barry_Bulsara, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 16:36, Reply)

GCSE ART for flibberdy-dips sake!
So let me see I have the highest IT grades at St. Andrews, I have been programing since I could read, I have my feking IT badge at scouts! But would they let me take IT??? No.. for me Art was the only option?!?! They told me flat out no! Bastards!

As a result I took inspiration from Ghandi and failed GCSE Art by being extra-crap at it on purpose. So There Mr. Wallis! I failed your class and brought shame on the Art department. Now I'm an IT consultant and very happy as I don't have to do any art at all!
(timberwolf0122 is turkey volume guessing man! Guessing the volumes in terms of turkeys since, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 16:00, Reply)

I failed once.
I was sitting on my bed, feeling unwell, wrapped in a towel having just showered. That squirmy, gassy feeling hit me and I just knew I was going to do a spectacular fart. I informed my girlfriend, sitting next to me, that something wonderful was about to happen. Unfortunately, I'd failed to correctly judge the subtle signs in my bowelary movements. And promptly shat myself.

There really is no smell like lumpy diarrhoea wrapped in a soggy towel.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 15:06, Reply)