Still puzzled about...
...finding half a lemon, lying in the middle of the road, that had been neatly bisected with a sharp implement.
But where was the other fuckin' half????
(minimalist ..., Sat 8 Nov 2008, 23:55, 1 reply)

A tampon
Then girlfriend was:
a. very menstrual
b. very stoned
c. very horny

After discreetly removing her tampon, well, yanking it out and throwing it on the floor , she asked me in an urgent fashion to "Fuckin' hurry up and slot me one before my minge leaks!" (note: this seemed acceptable language of love at the time as she was born in LIverpool). After a few minutes of consumating our love, I thought to myself, while this doesn't feel unpleasant, it certainly doesn't feel right. Digital investigation proved that it wasn't, as I feared, a large pustulant sore but in fact 2 more tampons.
Marijuana = short term memory loss.

Due to family connections, I still see her at functions and always remind her of this amusing anecdote.
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 23:45, 8 replies)

Best? No. Most random? Err, yeah.
Picture the scene if you will... A group of well oiled students tumbling out of the pub to find a seabass, a couple of feet long and surprisingly fresh, lying just outside the door.
Cue the question "Has anyone here ever hit someone with a fish?" When met with negatives all round, then came the inevitable "A fiver to anyone who'll let me whack them with this one!"
Being penniless, one friend agreed to this plan. Since this was not a small fish it was decided that the hitting would be done across the bare stomach, not the face (no one really wanted a trip to A&E, and you know how fish are measured in weight?). After watching the swing, the slap and the amusing wobbly stomach it turned out fish scales don't stay attached too well after death. Not to the fish, anyway. Stayed attached to him long enough for us to keep a safe distance for a while!
To this day none of us know how the fish got there.


Woop, first post!
(TinyCat, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 23:41, 1 reply)

we found a troll.
A group of friends decide to spend a day on acid, one of them doesn't want to partake and says he'll pop round and see them later when it's all stopped being a bit too mental.

He calls round at the house early evening where the group of friends live, one of them opens up the door with massive saucer eyes and a slightly worried look on his face. He beckons the non drugged chap inside.

The straight guy (Mark) asks how their day went, and the guy who is still clearly of his gourd on Ecstacy pipes and looking seriously worried whispers 'we found a troll'.

Mark decides to humour him and carries on by asking where they found it. He replies 'We found it in the playground of the local park, it was just sitting there, so we brought it home'

So Mark asks if he could see the Troll. 'yeah, it's in the kitchen' comes the reply.

Mark nervously opens the kitchen door, not knowing what he might find. What he sees sitting on a stool and happily munching buscuits is...

a man with Downs Syndrome.


They had actually taken this poor guy home with them, after pissing himself with laughter Mark did the right thing and found out where this guy lived and took him home.
(drshipman iz in yr shower killing yr nan, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 23:25, 13 replies)

My ring...
One of the two that my missus bought me, in the lining of my tracksuit bottoms after recruiting the entire staff of the gym to help me find it - for about an hour - I thought I'd dropped it on the treadmill.

I'd say that them calling me a twat was fully deserved; they'd looked under gym machinery and everything.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 23:22, Reply)

Lost Nigerian Businessman...
Found wandering the Platform at Ashford International asking where the castle was.

Turns out he was trying to get to Edinburgh, but the idiots at Charing Cross ticket office sold him a ticket to Hildenborough (just outside Tonbridge, Kent) - presumably because they couldn't understand his accent.

Poor bloke sat on a packed Kent Commuter Train until it reached it's terminus at Ashford - thinking that any minute - it would magically cross the boarder into Scotland and he'd find himself near the castle.

He was doubly-gutted when I told him Ashford doesn't even have a castle...

_{(Last train/railway related story... I promise!)}
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 23:14, 3 replies)

Drug Dealers Stash
Found onboard a train - drawstring gym bag containing multiple minature bottles of spirits (mostly vodka), about £80 in very well used £5 notes and a golf ball sized clingfilm ball of coke.

Aparently the person carrying said bag overheard the guard comment that the police were doing a random sweep of the train with a sniffer dog, decided to ditch his stash under the seat and leg it.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 23:08, Reply)

this may be the opposite of this weeks QOTW
but anyway..
I used to work at the Leadmill in Sheffield, a popular city centre nightclub, and during the night we used to find all sorts of things scattered across the dancefloor, from money, to wristwatches, to bank cards, and so on.
One particular saturday night, after the event had finished and the punters started to leave, the place looked like a bombsite, and we sorta picked an area to start sweeping.
Whilst I was doing this, there was a few lone punters who'd still not left the club yet, and one scottish chap approached me telling me that his wife had lost a pin badge of a dog, and how she was devestated blah blah blah, and to us it'd only be worth a fiver, but to her it meant alot, and 30quid was in it for us if we found it, he also stated that it was like a family heirloom or summat..

..y on earth would u take a family heirloom out on a night out?..
(Lord Chode, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 22:58, 2 replies)

Parents are always right.
This happened back when I were nobbut a lad. When my grandad passed away we were clearing out his flat and we found this small tobacco tin, and inside were around 40 coins, all from different countries and years. There was an English coin from 1742, an Egyptian coin that was apparently 200 years old, and loads of others.

Thinking this lot could be worth a king's ransom, with my parents permission I naff off down the library to look up each of these coins and get it's value. After 4 solid days in the library I worked out that the sum total of all these coins was around £2,500. I legged it home to break the good news to the rentals, but being cynical types, they basically just made horsey lips at me and carried on what they were doing. Undeterred, I decided to find a coin dealer and see how much I "should insure them for" (Antiques Roadshow has taught me wisely).

So I arrange an appointment with the bloke at this coin place - he looked like the grandad from the Worther's Original advert if it's relevant. So I empty my tin of coins out on the table in front of him. After looking at each one in turn and not saying a word, he looked up at me with a serious face.

"Where did you get these?"

"They belonged to my grandad"

"Well son, your grandad was very wise to keep these coins. They're worth about £12 thousand pounds!"

My jaw hit the floor. As I'm walking in a circle trying to take this in, I turn round to see this old man standing there with his trousers round his ankles and a pale, flaccid penis in his hand. "I'll give you the cash for it here right now, if you do me one small favour" he said, walking towards me...

Ok, I made the last bit up. He looked at them for 12 seconds and said "worth about 20 quid, that lot."

Cuntsnot.
(GONEism, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 21:50, 2 replies)

I found
... a wallet in El Segundo. Turns out it belongs to Q-Tip.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 21:44, 2 replies)

I found my love...
...by the gasworks wall on a train to Norwich, at 9:30 on a Monday night, nearly 8 years ago.

Then I lost her again, for reasons nobody seems to remember.

Last week, at about 5:30 on Monday night, she found me again, still not quite sure how, but that's not what matters.

I can't wait to see her again, so when's the next train to Norwich?
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 20:59, Reply)

A friend of my Fathers
was out taking his dog for a walk. As they lived in the country the dog was off the lead.
Friend started to worry as the dog had been gone for a little while.
Eventually the dog came bounding back over to him dragging a large thick plastic bag.
Friend takes this bag off the dog, it's clear but the plastic is too thick and dirty for him to see it's contents beyond some kind of meat.
Helpfully there was a label which declared the contents to be lamb.
"Brilliant" thinks chap, "I can cook this up and feed it to the dog".

So he takes it home and cuts the bag open, only to find that the label doesn't say lamb, it says limb. And there, on his kitchen table, is a human leg.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 8 Nov 2008, 20:28, 2 replies)

One of the happiest moments of my life
On arriving back to my halls after a lashed night out with a friend, we were struck with a terrible hunger: the nice Albanian man from our favourite chip shop had been sacked, which meant that there was no longer a convenient source of free chips to us on our way home.

However, as we staggered back to our respective rooms, what should we see but the pizza box recycling bin: one of those big, industrial sized jobbies, full of pizza boxes. We promptly tipped it onto its side, and sat like Italian kings in a sea of greasy, smelly, mouldy pizza boxes. Which we then proceeded to rifle through, desperate to find a delicious, life giving snack. It unfortunately turned out that students are, on the whole, rather good at eating all the pizza they have paid for. Until we struck gold. A box with a half-eaten slice of pizza in - given that we were hunting for crusts, it was a remarkable find. I of course grabbed and quickly ate the slice, leaving my friend deeply saddened and hungry as we tidied up the remaining boxes.

However, given I spent the whole of the next day sat on the toilet dribbling from the arse like a poorly plumbed tap, it could be said he had the last laugh.
(Merrep, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 20:25, 2 replies)

Being a bit of a magpie helps
My attention is easily caught by the presence of unexpected items in my surroundings, and I've found loads and loads of things over the years -- some of them were even useful!

They include but are not limited to:

*Money, ranging from a few coins to the occasional twenty.

*A lunch pail from the 1960s, in which the spouse now takes his lunch to work.

*Leather saddlebags for a Harley. Gave them to a friend to put on his bicycle; they were a bit large but looked fab just the same.

*A gorgeous cameo brooch, now in the possession of my mother.

*Abandoned photographs, the oddest of which is an elderly man standing in a cemetery.

*A functional Bell & Howell 16mm film projector.

*Lots and lots of furniture, from bookcases to chairs to tables, much of it solid wood and rather nice.

*A collection of 12" Cure singles, which I kept for myself. Still have them, and the cats on the cover of 'Lovecats' look a lot like my own!

*A pram from the 1950s. Gave it to a friend whose cat now insists on sleeping in it. Sadly, I have no pictures.

*An overhead projector. Fucker was heavy, too, but I was drunk and insisted on carrying it back to the house by myself.


I used to work in a consignment shop and we'd find all kinds of things in the pockets of clothes and bags people brought in to sell. Money, drugs, small electronics, incriminating pictures, used personal devices -- you name it, we found it. None of it was ever eclipsed by my friend Beth's find in a thrift store dress, though. Three crisp hundreds, rolled up and tucked into a pocket. Paid for her rent and a nice bit of partying that month!
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 20:22, Reply)

Bognor
I once found a piece of paper on the floor which had:

"BOGNOR....remarks?"

printed on it.

I still have it. I have racked my brains for a clue as to what it could possibly mean.
(splendid, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 20:03, 1 reply)

i've found that
superglueing 50p to the floor in an area heavily saturated with smackheads can give several hours of amusement, watching the pikey scumbags trying to prise it off the pavement.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 18:34, 4 replies)

The best thing I have found
is the inside lane of the motorway. I think it must be cloaked from the rest of the world because no one else seems to use it.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 18:25, 1 reply)

My excuse: I only get paid minimum wage
I work as a cleaner at the offices of a British airline. The rules say anything we find in the bins is ours, should we want it. Yes, I feel like a complete tramp for looking in bins, but people throw away perfectly good stuff, and it's a shame to waste it.

The usual suspects are mouse mats, pens and other stationary. There's also a tonne of small change (I've collected over £50 by now), USB pen drives (they really should format them), watches, clocks and even champagne.

My greatest find was a HP PDA (and charger) with a flat battery. Yep, they threw it away because they couldn't be arsed to charge it up. Now I can organise all the appointments I don't have!

Of course, the down side is I often find shit smeared over toilet walls. Lots of shit. As a cleaner, I often get looked at like I'm scum, but I know what these people really get up to.

My worst find so far: A used condom.
(Wogan, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 18:24, 11 replies)

Wallet bulging with crisp, beckoning notes...
... in a great big pile of puke.

Turned out not to be that much of a dilemma for our mate Tony. You've never really seen your friends until you've seen them on tip toes with one leg in the air, daintily attempting to lift someone else's money out of someone else's stomach contents.

Possibly not the nicest thing ever found, but the 20 quid Tony retrieved as hazard pay before returning the wallet (awww!) paid for some lovely beverages. There's nothing quite like booze bought with vomit tainted money - yum!
(a.k.a Citizen Snips, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 18:20, Reply)

Two stories involving me and my dad
I'll apologise for length in advance.

*Wavy lines as we transfer back to the late eighties*

When I was about eight or nine, I was in the habit when we went shopping of hiding between clothes on the rail. Clothes racks were great places to hide and it was like a ready made, super-comfy den!

Anyway, in C&A one day I felt a bump in a jacket on a rack of coats I'd take a liking to, and when I investigated, it was a wallet. Dad and I took it to the counter and at the same moment, a big beardy man (I never trusted beard-ies as a kid) comes in saying he must have left his wallet in a jacket he'd tried on earlier (why put your wallet in it? I dunno - checking pocket sizes?). Anyway, we returned it and the delighted man was very happy and insisted on taking our name and address so he could send a reward to the honest little boy who'd returned his wallet.

Obviously, I was chuffed with the idea I was getting a reward, until a week later my dad passed onto me a letter the guy had sent which simply said 'Thankyou very much again! Your son's honesty is reward in itself!'

Not even a fiver... the cunt.

My dad put a brave face on it and told me the man was right and knowing you'd done right was better than any reward. Years later, he admitted he'd wanted to write back and tell the bloke what a prick he was, if only there's been a return address.

I ended up getting a new pair of football boots from my dad for my troubles (good ones - not cheap shit like I'd had before! I grew out of them quickly, but still...), so all ended well I suppose but seriously, but what an arsehole!

*wavy lines as we go forward in time to the early noughties*

Back home with my parents from Uni, I found they'd acquired a PC and decided to enter 'the digital age'. Due to their naivete about these matters, I inevitably stumbled across my dad's internet history.

Now it was fairly vanilla porn but for the rubber-fetish stuff. I was less shocked than I might have expected to be because, at the end of the day, any man who gets internet for the first time is going to go off and look at a load of porn, including any weird stuff which takes their interest, and I really don't think it would be fair to hold my dad to standards I myself would have totally failed to live up to.

Anyhow, my own understanding didn't mean I thought it would be a good idea for mum to start typing 'crotchet-patterns.com' into the URL bar only to end up on 'crothcless-panty-whores.com', so a discrete mention of it over a pint, and when mum went to the shops the next day I gave him a crash course in clearing your internet history, periodically deleting Temporary Internet Files, and the value of mum and him having seperate log-ins.

We've never spoken of this strange half-hour tutorial again, but I like to see it as returning the favour for him putting a brave face on somebody's cruel behaviour and making sure I got the reward I'd been promised when I was younger.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 17:54, 3 replies)

booze
After a few shandies last night my flatmate, steevo, came with the grim news that we`re all out of booze..bummer, and end of the evenings frivolities.

I`ve just looked in the fridge to see whats there.

And found three cans of stella, 2 cans of strongbow and 2 bottles of champagne.

//think he needs to go to specsavers
(hiddenshallows, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 17:50, Reply)

'Phone
At work a few weeks back I found a mobile; I didnt recognise it, so had a quick look at the contacts to get a clue; it appeared to be my mate Paul's. So I did the decent thing and had a quick look at the photo gallery to see if hed photographed his wife's jubblies. He hadn't, which made me a bit sad.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 17:18, 4 replies)

Maddy
McCann


sssh!...don't tell anyone.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 16:59, Reply)

I seem to have a knack
for finding small amounts of cash, drugs and weaponary. It's uncanny, I'm like a bloody sniffer dog. In the 7 years I've lived here, I've found:

£35; £20; 2 eighths of grass, on separate occasions, on the same five yard bit of pavement between here and the bus stop; a bag of unidentified white powder, about 2 grams, on the bus, picked it up but tipped it down the bog at home (even I'm not that daft, i was tempted for a second though); a can of CS gas, in the lost property box, at work! (Illegal to possess in this country, offensive weapon, but an American colleague had found it and thought nothing of it - he was from Texas); an ounce of Golden Virginia; and a fiver about ten minutes ago whilst walking the dog.

The clincher though was pocketing a pen at work, a silvery metal biro, pretty cheap looking, it fell out of a book and just seemed like any other office biro.

It stayed in my coat pocket for about a week, before I pulled it out whilst sat at a table of about ten people in the pub to have a communal crack at the crossword.

I scribbled a bit with it, but no joy. Shook it, licked it, but it wouldn't work. I pulled the barrel open to see if there was any ink in the wee biro tube, and fuck me if it wasn't one of these:



Certainly not what you'd expect to find in a library, and I'd had it on my person, in public, for over a week. Thankfully my drinking partners believed the tale and didn't think I was a nutter - no one could fake that sort of surprise, I nearly wasted beer.
(Udidin is chuffed to have made the newsletter, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 16:33, 2 replies)

money - that's what I want!
Found £20 in my skinny jeans just as I was about to put them into the wash last night - get in!!
(SpongyMonkey is an honorary East Anglian on, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 16:07, 1 reply)

I got back from work
the other morning and found that someone had painted the outside of my house.

Have asked the neighbours if they did it....no

Have asked friends...no

Just cant understand why you would paint someone elses house ( it needed it )

A nice white colour as well

Cheers god
(sparklehorse is loving popping his cherry...again....honest, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 16:01, 1 reply)

Students are funny
I was at a Cardigans concert at Wolverhampton about 10 years ago. I'd had a few drinks before the gig and during the warm up act so the seal was well and truly broken. On the way to the toilets were a load of students sat against the wall smoking some rather sweet smelling roleys, and on the floor in front of said students was a five pound note. Why it didn't register that the students would have smelled the money from the other side of the room and pocketed it thenselves may have had something to do with the amount of alcohol I'd previously consumed that evening. So I spied the fiver from about 3 paces away and adjusted my gait so I could kick the money ahead without breaking stride in a casual smooth 'I haven't just seen five quid and I'm nicking it' kind of way. I kicked the fiver all the way into the gents where I managed to discretely bend down to retreive it awwy from the eyes of the rightful owner who may wish me to return it. I opened the note to see HRH QE2 staring at me from one side. I turned the note over to see the other side was completely blank except for the word 'FUCKER' neatly printed in the middle of the paper. At least I hadn't given the soap dodging spongers the pleasure of seeing my face when I realised I'd been had but there were a few smug faces when I walked past them on my way out of the bogs. I hate students.
(3-hoops, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 14:28, 2 replies)

yay
I found $20 earlier this year.. it was after a fantastic smashing pumpkins concert in the mud, and i was looking all over the place for one of the many guitar picks they threw out into the audience. I was scouring everywhere, when i see this muddied $20 note sticking out of the ground. I was so pleased.. but i would have been happier with the guitar pick (which probably would have cost no less than 30c to make).. it did however contribute to a spiffy new smashing pumpkins shirt though, so i can't really complain.. :D
(brotagaia, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 13:57, 1 reply)