a varnished monkey
when i was about 12 I found a small clay varnished monkey in the gutter. It was an odd one, not a cute monkey, more like one of those japanes mountain snow monkeys we have seen on tv.

something a bit odd about it, which is why i remember it 20 years on
(chiff_chiff, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 15:51, 1 reply)

If
anyone finds my bloody car keys before I have to pick the missus up at five - I'd be eternally grateful.

Ta muchly.
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 15:50, 4 replies)

A pointless waste of time...
Two first class train tickets to Aberdeen - we were 17, stupid and living in Gloucestershire; so we went.

18 hours to get there only to find that it is a cold, desolate shit hole - followed my 21 hours to get home.

(and we only brought enough money to buy 20 cigs, a bottle of cheap wine and a couple of Mars Bars - dipshits.)
(Tugnut I got them all..., Fri 7 Nov 2008, 15:48, Reply)

Mysterious find
Many years ago, I must have been about 15, I was on holiday in the Alps with my family. One beautiful day me and my dad left the rest of the family roop and headed off for a hike the heavily forested sloped above our campsite.

We had been walking for a few hours, following old game trails and dried stream beds, hoping to reach the ridge without following any real paths, when I noticed a strangely shaped object nestled amongst the leaves.

Deciding this merited further investigation, I picked it up; a small, soil-covered disc, and pocketed it without much thought, and we continued to battle our way through the dense undergrowth in search of a vantage point where we could eat our lunch.

Sated by our sandwiches, I dug out my find and we scraped back the years of mud and dirt to reveal an early 18th century Napoleonic coin.

How it came to be lying near the surface in the leaves on a tiny game trail miles from civilization I cannot even begin to explain. It is not worth a great deal (maybe £20-30?) but to me its one of my greatest finds merely due to the sheer coincidence of the situation!
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 15:47, 2 replies)

Funny
I once found an umbrella left on a train.
(Miggyman, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 15:34, 4 replies)

Lost, and found
Imagine if you will, a Friday night. As seems to be the custom, I was as drunk as a Lord, and it was time for home. So, off I bimbled out of the pub, and wobbled off to the train station. Arriving, and then noticing one rather important fact. I was without my mobile.

Shit, fuck, damn and quite possibly bugger as well.

I staggered back as quickly as I could, back into the pub, to the table where I was sitting. My mobile phone, bold as brass. Much relieved, I meandered my way back to the train station only to find I'd missed the last train home.

Fucksocks.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 7 Nov 2008, 14:37, 3 replies)

Within 2 days of each other
A pair of Oakley polarized sunglasses at a gig - these are now my driving glasses
and a 4 gig Sony mp4 player in the gutter.

Not a bad haul :)
( Weetobix, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 14:31, Reply)

Pills
i found a chinese or japanese jar of pills on the kerb the other day, no idea what they are.

photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v347/97/81/511265070/n511265070_1939052_7509.jpg
(rosie-pie, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 13:58, 25 replies)

Weyhey.. Soggybottomboy reminded me (hello by the way)
Id been to a party in a barn about a year or so ago and some complete penis stuffed my bag with hay.

Instead of cleaning it out I just took my stuff out and used a different one.

I went to clean it out a couple of weeks ago and stuffed in the bottom was a rather soggy, half composted twenty pound note :)

Result
(i should have joined myspace, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 13:57, Reply)

A large Albanian flag
neatly folded indside a carrier bag outside a pub in Manchester. Botched coup attempt? Who knows? Who cares, it's now on my wall.

Hoverkrafti im është plot me ngjala
(GrimbleGromble, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 13:53, 1 reply)

For some reason
After a nights drinking, I noticed a massive bunch of dried Lavender on the floor while waiting for a bus which must have been discarded after the market day. Unable to believe my luck at the £3 bunch of free plant (the label was still on it), I picked it up without hesitation, stuck it in my bag and hopped on the night bus home.

I was picking bits of twigs out of my bag for weeks, still unable to comprehend why I thought a bunch of Lavender was such a great find.

Oh well!

Long time lurker, 1st time poster, be gentle...
(SoggyBottomBoy, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 13:49, 4 replies)

Result
Checked into a city centre hotel in Amsterdam and immediately think "were I to be smoking some d-rugs, where would I be stashing them".

Immediately, auto-pilot kicks in, and before I know it I'm stood on the bed rooting around in the hung ceiling - only to find a bag of dessicated weed.

Result.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 13:36, 2 replies)

There have been...
but a handfull of times I have found something - I'm not one for loosing items, but I shall regale.

I was all but a slip of a fella, the age of 6 or so, when walking down a snow covered pathway, mum in tow. My beady eyes glanced upon what I even recall today as looking like small pellets of 1980's golden dog poo... I was intrigued.

I quickened my step, and with a de mittened hand dug into said snow to regain two, brand new one pound coins - I was suddenly rich.

I was always a hoarder, and so they went into my halifax account.

end of story because my hangover isn't allowing me to multitask.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 13:19, 4 replies)

Just last night
I was out to dinner with a friend, and parked the World's Most Embarrassing Car around the corner from the restaurant. We had a very nice meal, and I walked back to my car to go home.

Sitting on the pavement directly behind my car was a 30" aluminum baseball bat. It was certainly not there when I arrived.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with the damn thing, but it made me WTF for a few moments last night...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 7 Nov 2008, 13:14, 15 replies)

Midget porn ace of spades
This must be a repost but...

I moved into a student house in Acton with friends about 12 years ago.

Underneath the sofa there was a playing card. It was the Ace of Spades, and the picture was of a naked midget looking through his legs and spreading open his anus with a big happy smile on his face.

Like the mature young men we were, we all jumped around and threw it at one another, and it was quickly forgotten.

Forgotten that was, until a few weeks later when I went into HSBC to withdraw some cash. For some studenty poor reason I can't remember I used to have to take my passport in as ID and get money over the counter. As I handed my passport to the cashier the card dropped out onto the counter, the midget smiling up at him.

He called ALL of the other staff over to have a look, and as they screamed excitedly and pointed at me, a few of the customers in the queue came over to join in the fun.

I wasn't that humiliated again for about another 6 months, when the same thing happened again, only with a little note falling out saying "give me some money, I'm a ginger nobbler".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:53, 12 replies)

Tasty speed
At the tail end of a particularly messy psytrance squat party, my mate had one of those lucky moments of finding a plastic wrap that some careless hippie had dropped, but was unable to identify the contents. Mindful of someone who had ended up in a room where the walls are as comfy as the bed thanks to reckless ingestion of unknown substances (note to all, don't leave wraps with several thousand pounds worth of crystal acid lying around at a house party), we passed it around the group with everyone staring at it intently and trying to show off their enormous drugs knowledge by working out what the fuck it was. Getting no-where, we proceeded to do a small line each but still couldn't suss it. Then a bit of post-nasal drip finally gave us a clue - 'It taste's like strawberry!' Biscuit crumbs. Fucksake.
(Mr Strangelove, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:51, 1 reply)

Rented house
So, the three of us moved into a furnished house. After we had unpacked, and rearranged the furniture to our liking we looked into the big utility cupboard.

There were buckets and clothes airers and the other sorts of things you would expect to find.

And a rope ladder.

Erm. Thanks?

The best theory is that this was meant to be the fire escape for the girl, H, who insiting on living on the second floor (and wanted to regulate the times we were allowed up there to use the shower), too far up for jumping if the stairs caught fire.


I've seen a dog use a stepladder, but I'm not sure how you can expect a bitch/pig crossbreed to use a rope ladder though.
(teebie jeebie, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:49, 1 reply)

Last but certainly not least....
Not something I found, but my mother. More's the pity. This would probably be more at home in an embarrassing situations thread but what the hell

while experiment with a bottle of lube very recently with a ladyfriend, said bottle of lube managed to go astray and despite much frantic searching from both of us could not be found.

cue my mum cleaning my room yesterday without me asking her to and, as you've already guessed, finding the aforemention substance and leaving it on my window cill for me to retrieve when i got in from work last night.


cheers mum.



i really need to move out again soon.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:43, 2 replies)

I have found
... my ideal job.

Basically, I work for a semi-famous IT organisation as a technical bod. Not going to go into further details since I don't know who is reading ... but here is the best bit.

I work from home.

Which basically means I get to spend all day with my family, I can drink and smoke as much as I like, and I get dressed perhaps four days in seven. I have had meetings with clients over the telephone while completely naked, smoking and drinking neat brandy.

I feel it is a reflection of the unfairness of life that, just four years ago, I was working night shifts in a mail redistribution depot, flinging boxes and cartons to and from lorries, for about a sixth of the salary I'm on now.

Seriously, this is great. B3tans, if you can possibly work from home (and for office bods, this is becoming more acceptable and commonplace as accountants work out it costs less to supply broadband than to keep a desk and drawers - yes, my unlimited downloads/uploads are paid by The Firm) - then I strongly advise you to do so.

Right now I'm drinking my brandy, perusing b3ta on a Friday afternoon and rolling another cigarette.

Life doesn't get better than this.

Sadly, I'm off in three years to pursue a PhD ... which means going back to a real job :-(

Length - about three and a half miles from the cubicle farm.
(hangableautobulb is an anagram of the best album ever, on, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:41, 5 replies)

My Uncle's Ring
My uncle, let's call him B, was always going on with stories about stuff he used to get up to back in the day.

At one point he worked as a freelance security consultant for a small company known as the Oakenshield Partnership. Anyway B spent quite some time away from home somewhere over east, and by all his accounts he got into some quite hairy adventures - he keeps threatening to write a book about it, but it's all so far fetched I can't imagine anyone would want to read it, especially as he's considering the rivetting title of "There and Back Again".

While he was away he found a plain gold ring, although he is a little hazy as to how he came by it. I have to say that it has to be the jammiest find I've heard of.

He's now getting on a bit and decided to retire, moving to stay with some old friends, and he kindly gave me the ring as a parting gift.

Anyway I must go, as a old mate of B's is about to drop by for tea - he said he had some info on the providence of the ring, which could be interesting, and I haven't seen him for years so it'll be good to catch up.

I'll let you know if it turns out to be worth anything.
(Scooby Don't, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:35, 4 replies)

If I had a hammer...
A few years ago I was helping a friend break up an awful concrete patio that covered the entire back garden of the house he had bought.

After several hours of shifting huge blocks of concrete that the previous residents had inexplicably buried in the garden we found a ragged old plastic bag containing a large, albeit rusty and corroded hammer.

Not sure about anyone else, but I can only think of one reason why I would bury a hammer and then build a patio over it…

Whilst we were discussing what to do, as the majority of us were in favour of at least informing the police and handing it in (if only to ease our consciences and if the worse was to happen at least establish our innocence of any hammer murders), my friend’s father said “Oh no, you don’t want to do that. That’s a good hammer that is…”
(Fat Edgar, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:33, 4 replies)

Gorilla in the mist
Went over to a friends new house once to mow her very overgrown lawn. No, this is not a euphemism. It was a real lawn.

Anyway, in the middle of the lawn was this huge lump.

As I cleared the grass there was a pair of eyes staring at me.

I nearly shat myself.

Anyway as we cleared more grass away it turned out to be a life-size stuffed gorilla.

Amazing what you find.
(tonyhrx, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:30, Reply)

Old German Porn
Staying in a hotel on a greek island with an old girlfriend I did the obligatory check of all the drawers etc.

In one drawer I found a large empty bottle of ouzo, an empty condom packet and a reel to reel porno film (sounds like crimbo round my dads house).
The flick was called "Mother Fucker mit Sound Mitten" or something very similar which I assume meant "mother fucker - with sound"!
It was a 70's film with a young german girl and guy shagging on the front of the packet and a 70+ year old woman joining in. Very unpleasant indeed.

Did find out that having a tug whilst threading the tiny film through my fingers and holding it up to the light at the same time was not the most relaxing way to spill my globs..
(King Baldie, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:27, Reply)

Risky
Mr Fry's Buttock reminded of this.

When I was a student we use to have a little get together every week and play Risk (the Board Game) and smoke as much cannabis as we could lay our mitts on.
This being Reading in the 90's, the only smoke available most of the time was "squidgey black" resin. After a few hours of game play, name calling, and fights we would pack away and return to our respective homes. The following week, we would meet up again, unpack the board, and on about 90% of the time we would find an 1/16th or so of resin that had been put into the black counters. Always handy.
(bugboybeast, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:07, 4 replies)

Once upon a time, in a telephone box...
I was out and about in Sheffield, and happened to pop into a phone box near Endcliffe Park. To my delight, someone had left a dog-eared book in there; a copy of Brian Aldiss' 'The Hand Reared Boy'. it being a book, I took it, with no idea to the contents.

When I got it home, and began to read it, I became glad that I had found it. It's a hilarious fictional autobiography that is full of sexy rudeness. I don't know who left it in the phone box, or why, but I do know this - my cock thanks them to this day, as I've had some of my best ever wanks over it.

Highly recommended - highlights include a boy who can suck his own cock, the two boys who experiment with docking, and the chap who only masturbates once a week to save his precious fluids - and that into a bible.

Obviously, there's plenty of girly sexy stuff as well, hence the wanks, but the other bits are shocking, hilarious and enjoyable to read.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:07, 7 replies)

My brother, not me
When me and my brother were small we were often tasked with cycling down the road to count our family's cattle.
One day he was trying to get a good vantage point, so he climbed up a mound that had been dug out of a stream that was being widened.
So, task done, he goes to get off it, but when he looks down he sees a human skull, staring up at him.

Turns out it probably belonged to a kid that had drowned in the river a few years before. The skull was all they found.
(cH3$h7846J#7, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:59, Reply)

About a year ago I found £250 on the floor in a Deichman shoes store
I handed it in to the staff because had I kept it I would have been plagued with dreams of a poor old lady who was on the street starving to death. The lady behind the counter who I handed it to actually cried because she didn't think people did things like that anymore.

Of course it could have been £250 of someone's crack money but I'd rather con myself into believing that the imaginary old lady went back to the shop and got her money back and had a lovely Christmas dinner with her grandchildren who she never gets to see and lived happily ever after.

I did call to see if anyone had collected it but the woman on the phone was a bit rude so I think in reality she pocketed it for herself.
( Mrs. Spatum, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:57, 3 replies)

Bedsit hell
For my final year at uni I moved into the grottiest house in the grottiest street in the grottiest part of Reading. The area was called "Newtown" which may have been true when the cramped terraced houses were built in the late 1800's, but the name was nothing but ironic in 1997. A few years ago a chef who lived on the same road committed suicide by parking his car on a level crossing. One sympathises.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/suicidal-chef-drove-to-track-after-work-532577.html

This house was a treasure-trove of all things nasty. The previous occupants had been 4 student lads who had done their utmost to live like pigs for 2 years. The day we moved in they were all still in residence (asleep) and we had to quite literally kick them out. They left most of their stuff...the once white bed sheets were brown as they had never been cleaned and the pile of dirty underwear had a trig-point at the summit. The place was filthy and disgusting, we found fag ends and porn mags everywhere, really cheap nasty ones like Razzle. Basically it looked a bit like the house of that old guy on "A life of grime" who never threw anything away, but with more porn.

I had the downstairs bedroom; there was a large cupboard that extended under the stairs. I chucked all of the previous occupants clothes, sheets and assorted crap in the cupboard and set about cleaning the room. Everything had to be hoovered and/or bleached to make it habitable. I found a £20 note under the mattress that I took as arsehole tax for my troubles.

Months passed and eventually I realised it had to be done. I had to clear out the cupboard. Most of it went in the bin (including the brown sheets), some items were less soiled and were given to a charity shop. I discovered the world’s smallest and oldest heated blanket, about the size of a face towel with a very old non-standard plug. I named it the "Deathtrap3000" and promptly threw it away. When the cupboard was finally clear, I grabbed my rechargeable torch and crawled into the area that extended under the stairs, just to make sure everything had been removed. What I found made my jaw drop, written on the wall in this cramped space were dozens of names, dates and initials, and in big letters someone had scrawled in what looked like the gibberings of a madman "BUELLER THE DRILLER". Then my torch failed and I was plunged into darkness. I think the whole of Berkshire heard my "FUUUCCCKKKKK!”

I never ventured into the area under the stairs again, I certainly didn’t add my name to the crazy list of the damned and I have never discovered who or what "Bueller the driller" is.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:49, 8 replies)

Um...thanks Mum.
I'm home from University one summer in the early 90's.

It's early evening, I'm in my room.

There's a knock on the door.

My Mum peers round as says 'I think these are yours'

And hands me the two 'gentlemans' magazines that she had found in the bathroom from when I'd been 'alone' earlier in the day.

I still cringe when I think of that.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:43, 1 reply)

Moving out of a house I once lived in
I was cleaning out the fridge when I found an ounce of weed hidden behind the two-year-old ectoplasm.

Score.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:35, Reply)