I found
a wrap of MDMA bombs near London Bridge tube, on the street, outside a kebab shop.


I think it shows just how far I've come that I didn't take them, and gave them to someone scuzzier looking.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 17:20, 11 replies)

Not the best thing I'd ever found, but one of the more useful
As a lad, we lived near a lot of Army training ranges, so we got quite used to finding odds and sods of abandoned/misplaced kit. The unused Thunderflash my brother found was a shining example of our pikeyness regarding forces kit, but one day I found a mortar bomb.
Now, it was an old one and only an illumination mortar, but it was made for a 2 inch mortar and was thus worth much bragging rights at school.
Anyhoo, fast-forward some years and there's a member of the local plod knocking on the door. They're evacuating the entire street as the old duffer up the road had found an unexploded bomb in his garden. Mum start getting coats for us kids and shifting us out when I asked the copper 'what's it look like?'
'Well, it's about a foot long, two inches wide - like a cylinder with six fins.'
'Hang on a minute' I reply while running up the stairs.
I come back down with aforementioned mortar and ask 'One of these?'
The copper, somewhat surprised to be confronted with said munition replies 'That's it!'
I told him what it was and to have a look if the cap was missing (which it was) and when the bomb squad turn up, the copper is there, mortar in hand and a laid-back air:
'S all right, lads, just an old mortar.'
Saved the whole street from being evacuated.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 9 Nov 2008, 17:13, Reply)

Found a condom
in my mum's room when I must have been about 4 I think, asked her what it was and she decided to give me the long 'when two people love each other very very much' speech. At the end I said "oh so you can't eat it?"
"no"
"ok can i have a yoghurt then?"
(rosie-pie, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 16:37, 1 reply)

Shoes on motorways
Why? Whenever you get stuck in traffic, there they are on the verge or the central reservation, sprayed with mud and salt. Never in a pair, oh no. The remains of accident victims? Lorry drivers disposing of dead hitchhikers? Wheelie bin police caught you with the lid ajar again so you needed somewhere else to dump your rubbish?
(rogerzilla, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 16:37, 5 replies)

EXT. PETROL STATION - DAY.
SALVADORE'S GIRLFRIEND sits in the passenger seat waiting. She drums her fingers and rolls her eyes impatiently.

Finally, SALVADORE comes out of the petrol station. But then he stops to chat to an ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN who is wearing shorts and a bikini top.

Salvadore's Girlfriend looks annoyed.

Salvadore ostentatiously takes a £50 note out of his pocket and gives it to the Attractive Young Woman, who hugs him - a real tight bear hug.

Salvadore's Girlfriend stares in disbelief.

Salvadore strolls back to the car with a satisfied smile on his face.

Salvadore's Girlfriend looks grim - this is going to take some explaining, and it had better not be another of his ridiculous "And that, darling, is what really happened" stories.


CUT TO:

INT. PETROL STATION UNISEX TOILET - DAY (THREE MINUTES EARLIER).

Salvadore spots a £50 note on the floor.
(salvadorevincent, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 15:18, 2 replies)

dog
I was once round at a mate's house, and his dog wouldn't leave me alone. Pestering me, trying to get me to stroke him. In the end I got sick of it and because my mates' kids were in the room, I couldn't really say "Fuck off dog", so instead I said:

"Stuff off hound"

I knew there was a pun in there somewhere.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 14:50, 2 replies)

Still feel guilty...
It was nearly Xmas and we were all having a bevy in the pub opposite work at lunchtime. Having consumed the obligatory 3 pints in half an hour as was the norm back then, as I was leaving a really old codger handed me his carrier bag and asked me to hold on to it while he staggered to the gents. He was so pissed he actually fell thru the door and remained panned out on the floor, nobody in the packed boozer batted an eyelid. I glanced in the bag and found 3 full bottles of spirits, whisky, vodka and gin. I continued my exit and disappeared with the free drink. Funny thing is, we still frequent the same bar and often see the old drunk who probably doesn't recognise me from his state of oblivion. I like to think I did him a favour, he might have drunk himself to death? Although I still feel a bit guilty for effectively robbing a pensioner.
(minky, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 13:50, 5 replies)

I just found
that doing your shopping at 11 0'clock on rememberance sunday in Morrisons is excellent!
every other fucker was standing still, quickest shop ever
( Dill, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 12:09, 12 replies)

...
God.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 12:02, 2 replies)

Hopes dashed...
I remember spending summer holidays wandering along the beach, picking up random bits and pieces that had been washed up, some useful, some valuable (10p per lemonade bottle returned!), some just strange. But the thing which really grabbed my attention was the day-glow orange objects I spotted occasionally. It was usually a fishing float or some piece of safety equipment as that was about all that was ever made in that colour 20-30 years ago. To a young lad with lots of time, those could be made in to all sorts of stuff.

I went back to that same beach this year and got the same rush of excitement when I saw the brightly coloured objects amongst the seaweed. Nothing interesting though; energy drink bottles, crisp packets, washing liquid bottles. It seems everyone uses those colours now.

What do kids these days look for down the beach? Sorry, forgot, they're not allowed out on their own any more.
( SteamedCleaner, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 12:01, Reply)

stuff found
false teeth.
£150 in cash on the streets of brynmawr which paid for a trip to holland
a bag of lovely smelling weed in brixton after a chemical brothers gig
(spyke23, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 11:59, 1 reply)

The writing on the wall.
Splendid's "Bognor" thing (page 12) reminded me of this...

When my brother in law was decorating his bedroom, he stripped the wallpaper off to find one of those "Chad" drawings you saw a load of in the 1980s and, scrawled above it in giant thick marker pen was the phrase "MY EGG MASTER".

None of us have yet managed to work it out.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 11:46, 3 replies)

wank
Yesterday, I walked into my sisters house and found her husband home early from work, sitting infront of the telly with his jeans around his ankles, a load of kitchen roll on his lap, commercially available grot on the dvd player, his rapidly deflating cock in his hand and a very sheepish look on his face.
(dave likes cheese, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 10:04, 7 replies)

urgh
Me and a mate found re body of a cat with no head as we were retuirning to Sheffield from Manchester one Christmas eve.

It was in a field near Ladybower, and once I'd realised what it was, nearly made me very sick indeed.

Fuck knows what had happened to it. Had I not been about 25 at the time I might well have picked it up with a stick and hurled it at my mate. As it was, we left it alone and drove back to Sheffield, a little more queasy than we were before.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 9:44, 2 replies)

ooh ooh...
...wandering along the sandy wastes of Westward Ho!'s beach, I spy something black sticking out of the sand. Idly kick it, and a Casio G-shock appears, still working.

Someone must have lost it surfing. The battery was almost gone and the strap was rotten, so god knows how long it had been in the sand. Sod ya three thousand quid Rolex, those cheap g-shocks are genuinely indestructible.

New battery and strap, and now it's my don't-care-if-I-lose-it travel watch.
(inflateable, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 9:34, Reply)

I found love
And then promptly wondered, now that I found love what am I gonna do with it?
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 9:26, 3 replies)

Comfort
My friend Jon and I found a double mattress on the side of the road.

We used it to transform the pantry of our flat into a beautiful and lavishly-appointed masturbatorium, with carpeting, wifi and on-tap filth 24 hours a day. Every item of furnishing was plundered from the tip, or the side of the road. It is probably the best thing I have ever seen.

Hit "I Like This" if you think two straight guys sharing a double mattress is just asking for trouble.

Length? About 2m long and full of fleas
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 7:50, 1 reply)

I
Still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Yours Sincerely,

Bono.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 7:11, 8 replies)

Battlecat!
Almost seven years ago now, my then gf ( and right nutter) wanted to have a look at the animals at the SPCA. Fair enough, i agreed, and off we went.

The first room was full of yer bunnies/rodents/small stinky things, neh, no thanks. About as fun as watching paint dry.

I lasted about 3 minutes in the dog kennels, leaving with tears in my eyes, feeling my resolve weakening with every yelp and ruffruff.

To the kittehs! The room was stacked floor to ceiling with all types of kittehs in cages, and in the corner was a "time-out room" where you and your pick of the litter could spend some quiet time, seeing how you both git along like. Unfortunately 2 cats were being mauled by 2 young children in said room, so it wasn't an option.
Perusing the cages i come by thgis little guy, calm as a cucumber, laying near the back of his cage. The sign said he was a four month old stray, and was VERY VOCAL! For shits and giggles i ask to see the kitteh, sat in a chair in the corner of the room with him, the attendants camouflage us behind some fake rubber trees. He lays across my shoulders, looking at me all matter-of-factly.

"fuck me!" methinks, 'I'll take him says I!"

His name is battlecat and i don't even know where i'd be without him, the old prick.
(goorf, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 3:56, 4 replies)

A handy find
I was walking down to the local garage with a can for some petrol. Near the bottom of the hill I thought that it was a pity I hadn't slit a piece of garden hose to slip over the wire handle.

Perhaps ten paces futher on I saw something blue on the roadside. It was small, longer than wide and cylindrical.

Surmise led to conjecture, conjecture led to speculation, speculation led to astonishment.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a piece of pre-slit garden hose.

Length? It fitted the handle nicely.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 2:30, 2 replies)

pennies from heaven...
driving down streets I sometimes throw pennies and dimes out the window for someone to find, hopefully a child.
Cause finding coins was always a bright time when I was smaller.

I also drop some for kids when I'm babysitting so they can find it and can get something from a gumball machine

Like it and love it ^_^
(Leoninus "Never lick a fresh turd on a hot day.", Sun 9 Nov 2008, 2:09, 7 replies)

At a K-mart many, many years ago....
I had to be 11-12 while my brother was 5-6. Having the nice mother we do, (you're ace mother), She bought us ice cream and left me to watch my brother at the food area. While we were sitting at the table, I spied a fiver sitting under a table 2 feet away. I picked it up and my bro starts saying to leave to there, I grabbed it and ran to my mother before he could take it from me. we got to split it $2.50 each.

not a lot, but we were 11 and 5 so it was then. ^_^

Also I go to yard sales all the time no telling what i find at those.

yeah ya know ya love me
(Leoninus "Never lick a fresh turd on a hot day.", Sun 9 Nov 2008, 1:57, Reply)

Trolley Boy
I used to be the trolley boy, way back when I was a sixth former, for Moronsons... hated the job most of the time, having to work outdoors in the worst of winter, but, because of "Sir" Ken Moronson's tightness, and the fact that he would rather charge his own customers for the privilege of using one of his beloved trolleys rather than use it for free and then chuck it in the nearest river - as he surely knew they all would, tight prick - I was able to turn up for work every Saturday morning and know that by lunchtime I'd have made enough £1 coins to buy my subsidised pie and chip in the staff canteen, and by the end of the day I'd have the money to cover at least one pint in the pub (to compensate for finishing work at 9pm on a Saturday). Excellent. Plus, among the many 'bonus' finds in my time there, were:

- a full crate of John Smiths Bitter discovered in a trolley well after store closing time

- £30 left in the ATM (plus a great many fivers and tenners stuck in the bushes surrounding the car park)

- A brilliant black and decker full beam torch which I had for years until accidentally leaving in a hostel somewhere in South Africa

- and many more goodies, including full bags of shopping, christmas lights sets, books, more alcohol, etc etc etc...
(Katabatic wasn't, and will never be on, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 1:37, Reply)

I'm running to the hills
apologies for the third one in as many...

my girlfriend - gawd bless her - brought me an ipod for my b'day, and I have refinded all the music I loved when I was younger.

Iron Maiden - check.
Metallica - check. etc...

In effect, all she's given me for a birthday present is a middle-age breakdown.

Still, when I start blasting out Slayer in the early hours, that'll learn her.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 1:28, 6 replies)

not something I've found
but something someone else has found out.
according to the bbc website, the Bali bombers are definitely dead.

"The autopsy results show that all three are dead," Jasman Panjaitan told a news conference.

genius. to think I'm stuck in my current job when I could have been in CSI: Chiswick.

news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7717819.stm
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 0:42, Reply)

nunchucka's
About ten summer's ago, a Croatian friend of my mine had a job in a very busy pub in London. One evening he was clearing glasses in the pub garden when he found a pair of nunchuka's in an unassuming plastic bag. Deciding it would be a nice birthday present for his fifteen year-old brother back in Croatia, he put them to one side and when no one claimed them he took them home.

Whilst walking home through the streets of London at 1am he decided to 'test' them out and walked down the street giving it the Bruce Lee.

After about five minutes of twirling the batons three unmarked police cars screeched to a halt around him, he was forced to the ground, hand-cuffed and taken to kennington cop shop for interrogation.

In the interview room two CID officers tried to give him the third degree and ask him why he was walking down the street using a dangerous weapon in a threatening manner to which he replied:

"Dangerous Weapon?? Don't make me laugh. It's a fucking toy. I'm from Croatia where we've just had a war. I'm going home to a wedding in Croatia next week and after the ceremony someone will go outside and fire rounds into the sky where every third bullet is a tracer-bullet and lights up the sky. My grandfather lives in the countryside and has an anti-aircraft gun in his shed which he found after the war along with missile launchers, bombs, grenades and many other guns and weapons. I did two years national service in the army. I was going to give these nunchucka's to my fifteen year brother as a birthday present. They're not a weapon - they're a toy."

They totally agreed with him, let him go and even gave him a lift all the way home in a patrol car.
(twistngo, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 0:42, 6 replies)

In the woods, near my house...
I must have been very young, but I was allowed out in the woods with friends from the age of about 7 as they were very safe, I was very independent, and paedos didn't exist in those days.

One day, me, my brother and a friend of ours were in the woods, parking about as you do. We played on rope swings, kindly put there by bigger boys; we climbed trees (from which said friend had a shit - it landed with a satisfying 'plop' in the river beneath, and we called him a tramp for wiping his arse on leaves), and we went exploring through copses and thickets.

At one point, we came across a small clearing, and happened upon a wondrous sight. An older, ginger boy - probably about 14 or 15 - was sat on a bit of log, enthusiastically wanking his angry-looking cock for all he was worth.

Being young, we had fuck-all idea what he was doing - but it was clearly something very wrong indeed - and given the look on his face, pretty painful to boot. Concerned for his safety, we did he only thing we could - shouted 'ginger' at him and ran like fuck back the way we'd come, emerging breathless and laughing into the meadow a few moments later.

The boy never gave chase; I can only assume that he either ran off in the other direction, ashamed at being caught wanking by persons unknown, or that he completed the task with the dogged determination he'd shown.

I myself didn't take up my own masturbatory career until several years later, by which time such was my desire for self-abuse that it would have taken a lot more than a thin, reedy trio of voices shouting 'ginger' at me to put me off my stroke, so I can only assume the latter.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 0:33, Reply)

I was hard-up
so I invited some TV fucknuckles to come round my house, find and plunder the irreplacable heirlooms lovingly passed down from generaton to generation in our family, all so I could be on TV, sell them at auction in Backwater, Shitesville, and go on the holiday of a lifetime to Magaluf. But mostly so I could be on TV.

Join us next week, when Liz reacts with surprised glee when she realises her family jewels, which have been valued at priceless, raise £31 towards her annual family holiday in Scotland.

I hate Lorne Spicer. But mostly,
I watch too much daytime TV.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 0:15, 3 replies)