I don't have a story to tell
except that my dad sometimes says "FUCKING SHITTING IN JESUS CHRIST'S MOUTH!" very loudly when he walks past a church.

If hell exists, he's going there.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 12:59, Reply)

Foot in mouth disease.
They clearly aren't aware of the financial worries affecting most of the world, but my company recently packed us all up and shipped us to sunny Havana. And very nice it was too.

I spent my time wandering the streets, drinking bottle after bottle of lovely rum and capturing hideous clichés on my camera.

One of the days was spent with a colleague I'd not spoken to before. She was easy on the eye, keen on her rum and content to stop at every corner as I shot yet another old, decrepit Chevy parked in front of yet another old, decrepit building.

We stumbled into a Cathedral that sat a few streets back from the Malecon and, with rum coursing through my veins and driving my libido ever higher, I tried my hardest to be respectful and decent as she told me about her love for God.

All credit to her, she had a fantastic attitude toward religion, with a great respect for each individual's individual belief and a strong desire not to press hers onto anyone else, so I relaxed and allowed my mind to resume its previous sexy thoughts.

She was, however, determined to engage me in a discussion about religion. Not to push her thoughts onto me, but to ascertain what my views were. I told her and she didn't seem to care that there was no room for religion in my cluttered, simple little mind.

It was stupid of me, I know, but I was drunk and I couldn't help myself; I allowed my mouth to share my drunken thoughts, in the middle of a very quiet and rather beautiful cathedral. She seemed to enjoy the opportunity for debate at first, but Mr. Sweary and Mr. Rude are never far away when my head's full of rum, and try as I might I couldn't keep them under wraps.

It wasn't the profanities that did it. Well, not exclusively. I skipped the foreplay and thrust straight in with a tedious array of tired old guff that I don't really remember. I built my pointless ranting, not to a spectacular climax, but to a pathetic and premature dribble, before leaving her empty and angry in the soggy patch my words had left behind.

It's obvious now, it was from the moment I casually flung out the old "all priests are peados" nonsense. It's precisely the kind of thing that is all too predictable when you suffer terminal foot in mouth disease, but I was drunk and my brain wasn't really paying attention.

She was very calm as she told me her father is a Father and to the surprise of no one I'd lost any chance of taking her back to my hotel room. But that's no doubt for the best, really; I'd hate to have disappointed her twice in the same day.
( Moey, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 11:54, 2 replies)

The Wake and World War II
Like most Catholics, I've seen my fair share of dead bodies.

I remember when I was five or six my mum and dad packed me into the Opel Cadet and drove me round to my grandparents house. I'd been restaging the dramatic finale to Star Wars in the garden at the time so I was pretty pissed off. I sat, arms crossed tightly across my chest, dressed up in my best Sunday gear, with my bottom lip sticking out so far you could've built a ski resort on it.

So, we get to my grandparents place and I notice all the family are there doing the wedding scene from the Godfather. Only this time everyone appears sad, and everyones wearing black.

I charge into the living room and see my great auntie. She's not looking too good. In fact, she's dead and laid out on the dining room table.

My eyes go wide - I'd never seen a dead body before. She looked peaceful, almost as if she was sleeping. Being an inquisitive little twat I scurry over to her and give her a bit of a poke.

"Spanky!" shouts my mum.

I look round with a big smile on my face - seeing a dead body was actually more fun than playing Star Wars. But then I notice everyone else seems sad, the family is in mourning for this little old lady who would always try to force cups of tea into me when she was alive.

Then I remembered something I saw on TV the other day while I was watching one of those old black and white war films with my dad. The fella on the film did this when his mate karked it, so in my five year old mind it seemed the appropriate thing to do.

I dropped to my knees, shook my fist at the heavens and screamed:

"JESUS! WHY!?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE SOMEONE SO YOUNG!?!"

...silence...

After the initial shock, my mum locked me in the car with some biscuits for company until they were ready to come home.

That was a result in my book.

They were very nice biscuits.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 11:54, 7 replies)

An accident of birth
I once worked with an old fart that strongly believed in Adam and Eve, the Ark, etc.

I put it to him that he was only a Christian because of where he was born. If he'd been born in India he may well have been a Hindu, stating quite different beliefs.

His response was that he'd "Have known it wasn't quite right" and that "He'd have sought out Christianity" anyway!


This is the same man that when talking about Pagan gods, he referred to them as mythical.

"Surely they were around before Christianity" I said.

"Oh no", he replied, "My God created the earth, so he must have been around before them".

Sometimes all you can do is sit and cry. And these people are allowed to vote!?!
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 11:49, 1 reply)

"Day 2 in heaven....
and Jade is up for eviction."





*books taxi to Hull*
(nappy rash, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 11:42, 6 replies)

The true face of God
Very drunk...alone with the dog...watching TV. I turn around to see the face of God in the microwave. It took me at least half an hour to work up the courage to go take a closer look.
I take the dog...it'll be ok.
I get closer...

It's unfuckingmistakable. The beard, the hair, the look in his eyes that says, "Yes child you've sinned, come closer and be forgiven without penance".

My hand quivers as I reach for the door. I open it...

...it's a bucket of KFC.

Best fucking laugh is, I'm the cunt that put it there.

yer yer reposting whore

( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 11:12, 2 replies)

I almost ran over a Jehovah's Witness the other week...
I'd been out shopping with the Mrs and rugrat in tow and had just arrived home. I swung the car into the drive quite quickly not expecting a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses to be walking in the other entrance to our drive way at exactly the same time. God was surely on their side as I had to perform some Lewis Hamilton heroics to avoid running them over. I hope God is also on the side of their washing machine as by the look on face of one of them I think he may have soiled himself. They left pretty quick...
(FiatPanda, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 10:21, 4 replies)

FFS
How Ridiculous.

Let's face it we don't need to do anything to denigrate or trivialise religion, religionists manage it quite well on their own.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 24 Mar 2009, 9:00, 1 reply)

say what you like about religion,
talking like a black preacher makes everything cooler.

"I said I'm goin' down the shops-ah! I said I'm goin' down the shops-ah! Brothers and sisters are you with me?"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 6:23, 7 replies)

It went over like a fart in church.
The church I grew up in ran out of money before they could finish the church, so for my entire childhood we had Sunday mass in what was supposed to be the gymnasium: tile floors, cinder block walls, wood pews with not cushions, and the worst acoustics imaginable.

So there I was, eight years old, the singing stops, and someone, not me, lets one rip on the wooden pews. There was no way that a single person in the church didn't hear it.

Even the nuns laughed at that one.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 3:30, 1 reply)

What are they DOING?
I am Roman Catholic, which is not the most happy skippy jumpy religion in the world. Being in the American South, the choir director thought that we should try to be more spirited in our singing, like many of the charismatic Protestant churches that run our politics here. So they tried to do "This little light of mine" one Sunday morning.

The choir got rather spirited, singing with heart while all of us did our minor key monotone "thiiiiis liiiitle liiight of miiiiine..."

That was funny enough, but then the choir started clapping in time with the music. Not a single one of the congregation clapped. We just all looked at them with frightened expressions. "What are they DOING? This is mass! You don't CLAP!"

They never tried that again.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 3:26, 3 replies)

My sig.....
'nuff said
(Howling_Mad Gave God the finger on:, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 3:23, Reply)

The basic principle
...of so many written religions seems to be "If you want to do something - like, if you really really WANT, no, NEED to do something, like its a natural urge....its wrong and we STRONGLY disapprove."

This can range from urges to rape and murder all the way to really strong compulsions to shag, eat and express opinions. Its all the same apparently.
(insomniac girl all my best things are in hock, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 3:03, Reply)

Christians
A Christian guy once said to a roomful of people, of which I was one, that a good level of Biblical literacy would be a positive thing even among non-Christians.

His reasoning was that as a Christian, one wouldn't have so many ignorant, knee-jerk atheists (as opposed to a reasonable, rational atheist, which I like to class myself as) slagging off their faith using some anecdotal evidence of a mentalist who happened to be religious to condemn the entire movement, totally ignoring the positive benefits.

As an atheist, on the other hand, one would be better equipped to identify the "bad apples", so to speak - the folk who cite a religious motive when talking bollocks and twisting the words of their faith - and counter their arguments with the only language certain idiots understand - that of the Bible.

Now, taking his words to heart, I had a flick through the Bible, and I have to say it really is very funny, especially Leviticus. Did you know you're not allowed to sow your field with more than one type of seed? I guess that must've been a big social ill back in the day. Or that if you make a sacrifice to God, you can eat bits of it on the first day.

That's fine.

Eat it on the second day?

No complaints.

Want some of that yummy sacrifice meat on the third day?

How dare you? Actually how dare you?! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?! You're fucking done for now, you miserable bastard! I can't believe you. Look what you've done! For this there can be no forgiveness, no respite. I name you beast.

I guess that three day old meat was really causing problems back then too. It makes you wonder just how abominably people were behaving back then.

But the main thing I carried away from the Bible is the knowledge that whenever God says anything He uses "I am the LORD" in the same way you or I would use a full stop or short pause. It gives me something to say upon climax (whether my girlfriend's present or not) which replaces the previous front-runner "I'm Batman".

I'm so damned, but I had a good laugh finding out how and why.

Length? I am the LORD.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 2:27, 5 replies)

Mardi Gras
About 15 years ago, I went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Absolutely the best fucking time; lots of booze, women flashing, interesting music, tremendous variety of people -- all-in-all a fantastic trip.

Really only one downside. The asshole Samoan with the huge banner who stood behind us at one of the parades, shouting:

Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

Jesus!
Jesus!
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

For hours. And hours. Over and over again, with the same sing-song rythym. Impressive, if inane.

I can still hear him to this day. Which fact makes me hate and revile religious fanatics even more.

So, result, I guess.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Tue 24 Mar 2009, 0:59, 2 replies)

A load o' posh.
I remember back when I was in fifth grade or so, our teacher had two middle aged ladies from the local church come visit. After they'd spilled the beans on the crackpot theories they call a religion and forced us to partake in their mental rituals such as singing songs and symbolic cannibalism, we're handed our god-given right to ask questions.

I raise my hand.

Something like "Why should we believe in a fairy tale like god that's obviously fake?" escaped my mouth.

The ladies were flabberghasted and our teacher told me off, but dad was proud when he heard!
(Linusmartensson, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 0:44, Reply)

although misanthrope said it all..
one of my close friends from childhood, new dad and all has been VERY ill.

my mother is very proud of how her and her christian friends prayers have got him through this bad patch.

Not that it wasn't her god who put him in Intensive Care in the first fucking place and near took his sight in the process. Fucking idiots.

to be fair I should mention my mother is someone who is proud of her wiccan heritage, writes strong letters to homophobic bishops about how the church should crawl out of the dark ages and wishes they had the old services like they should. FFS, she's only in it for the music (as i see it) and yet she gets this fucking faith turbo charge?! honestly...

6 weeks and he should be out and back with his wife and kids btw :)
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 0:13, Reply)

Right then...
...I've been biting my tongue all week, but dammit if religion isn't just so absolutely vile that I just have to rant. This is snipped from the reply that broke the camel's back, wherein preachy atheists sicken non-preachy atheists as much preachy theists.

--

Religion isn't sweet little old ladies baking cakes to raffle for charity. It's 'owning' your wife, and beating her whenever you please. It's 1000 Africans a day dying of aids, and some little bloke who lives in a palace objecting to them doing something that would save a lot of their lives, because the little house of cards he's built to hide from reality in is too fragile. It's millions of deaths brought about squabbling over whose imaginary friend is better, and which bit of land he said you could live on. It's beating your 4 year old daughter to death when she has an epileptic fit because you think she has an evil spirit inside her.

Well, pardon me for being utterly sickened by it. Pardon me for refusing to just watch something sickening happening without speaking out. Pardon me for thinking that beliefs which can be confirmed by anyone should outweigh beliefs you just happened to find lying around in an old book. Pardon me for not wallowing in intellectual cowardice when faced with difficult questions. Pardon me for thinking "I don't know, yet" is a perfectly valid answer to any question. Pardon me for preaching instead of walking past, pretending not to notice the atrocities in plain view.

The little old ladies with their cakes - they're a veil that is drawn over the above. They're the naive staff in the 'legitimate businesses' laundering the drug money. They're the magnificent achievement of the Volkswagon*.

Fuck religion, fuck defending it as nothing more than a different opinion, and fuck people being indignant at having any of this pointed out to them.

*Godwin's law be damned. If ever there was an exception, religion is it.
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 23:14, 31 replies)

Even at age 5...
...I didn't buy it.

My family went to church half-heartedly for a while when I was small. I took with me either my teddy or the holy book.

The 1971 Christmas Corgi Dinky Cars Catalogue.

I can still get flashbacks to some of the best die-cast model cars ever made whenever I hear organ music.

All new for '72 - Joe 90's car, with extending wheels. Ahhhhh - now there's the warm glow you're supposed to feel in church.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 22:34, Reply)

There is no god...
...if there was, he/she wouldn't have allowed my girlfriend of 4 and a half years leave me a few weeks before I was to propose to her, for a ginger, bisexual, trainspotter!!!

Life sucks somedays!
(ShaunyBoi has been surviving fires since, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 22:31, 11 replies)

Horny Christian Teens
As I've said before, I spent the first 22ish years of my life in the church, some of it quite conservative and evangelical in a slightly scary way, including those cherished teenage years when all a guy can think about is sex.

There seem to be two approaches for the horny Christian teen when considering sex, one of which is "how far can I push it (so to speak)" and one is "how can I avoid as much 'impurity' as possible". Most Christian teens seem to opt for the first, which I can tell you only helps highlight the craziness that is the whole "no sex before marriage" thing, because inevitably you end up in the "we're both naked, we're both horny, why the hell not" situation. It's deeply unnatural to get to that position, both ready and raring to go, and then suddenly jam the brakes on! Why, you might wonder, do I talk about this? Well mainly because I've come to the conclusion that Christian teens really are human, and far too often tie themselves into knots trying to justify what's normal and natural and spending far too much of their teenage years feeling guilty about something that should be exciting and fun.

As for the "how pure can I be" school of thought, that actually might get its own post because that's a whole other rant!

Length? Eagerly orally attended to by horny Christian teens because hey, that's not sex, not really!
(Liberal, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 22:29, 3 replies)

My life started off somewhat incongruously,
when I was was merely hours old and a group of guys who'd decided to bestow gifts upon me suddenly changed their minds.

Anyway, time went on and my mother told me that I was of a different descent to what I had initially thought. I was disgusted and tried my best to fight against this terrible injustice, putting into play my super graffiti skills (though I wish I'd brought my dictionary).

I fell in love and all that sort of thing, and then came a time where for some inexplicable reason everyone decided that they loved me and that I was the best person to ever wear sandals. This was very odd, especially as just a short time later I ended up hanging from a cross. Of course, I managed to keep it all at bay with my own inimitable humour, leading the crowds in sing-song til the very end.


(Shirley Bindun?)
(judeski walked on water and ran through fire, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 22:03, 1 reply)

prayers
my younger brother wasn't very tall when he was 4. he was some what of a midget for his age.
one day my mum was taking him to school
and as he got into the car he said "wait mummy i haven't said my prayers!"

we thought this was strange as our family is in no way religious what so ever.

so he sat in the front and said

"In name of father son 'oly sprit...please god i don't want to be a dwarf anymore...amen!"

i don't think i've ever laughed so much in my life.
partly cause he's still small.

.
(i eat crayons, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 21:35, 1 reply)

I have to say,
That up until recently, I never believed in God, heaven or anything along those lines, there was just no evidence to prove it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I didn't firmly believe in the other side, we even thought we had an angel case once, but it just turned out to be a vigilante priest who thought he had ended up holy.

After my mum died in a house fire when I was a kid, me and my little brother were raised by my dad, and he taught me to believe in what I could see, burn or shoot full of rock salt. It was a hard life, we never seemed to spend more than a week in one place before we were off on the road again in Dad's old car. He had no time for religion, and so neither did I.

But after I sold my soul to a demon to save my brother's life and ended up in Hell, I think I may have been converted. After all, I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't been yanked out of the pit by an angel following God's plan for me.

They seemed ok at first, but it looks like the big guy upstairs can be just as big a pain in the arse as the white-eyed hellbrat that caused all this trouble in the first place.

You gotta love angels though. Had one in the back seat of my car just last week.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 21:30, 5 replies)

Bastarding Opus Dei
I have to say I am rather ambivalent about God, church, and religion in general. Ok, so I don’t buy any of the old stuff but other people do, and often religion goes hand in hand with charity etc. Fair enough. Just as long as no one forces their ancient chicanery down my throat. (incidentally that’s not a catholic priest ‘gag’...sorry neither was that).

Unfortunately my cousin ‘James’ did not get that memo. I am half Irish and so my dad’s family all live on the Emerald Isle. My first cousin ‘James’ is not only devoutly Catholic, he is a priest, and theologian, and also a member of Opus Dei. Opus Dei is the scary mental part of the Catholic church that is controlled by the Vatican. Opus Dei are kind of like the SS compared to the Wehrmacht. In fact, my cousin is kind of like a troubleshooting ninja member of Opus Dei.

It is literally impossible to argue with my cousin. I like to think I am a bit handy in the debating arena and try to be loquacious and fairly verbose. But this chap can talk the hind legs off an RBS director. And not even in a particularly nice ‘Oirish’ way.

So the crux of my so-called story. He has been given a very house. Two cars. He has all sorts of personal staff. He travels all over the world with a huge expense account. He can basically do what he likes, and kind of has power over other ministers and other churches. He affects local and national politics and appears on radio and TV stations all over Ireland. I haven’t put his real name because he is slightly famous in Ireland. Also, Opus Dei have spooky powers. Allegedly.

So my fucking cousin can do what he likes, and the poor bastards at his local church put their coppers in the collection tray and pray for the miracle to come. And the worst thing? They know everything about my cousin and Opus Dei. And they still give their pennies.

Fuck religion.

Sorry Jesus


EDIT: Oops too much bile, no 'funnies'.

Whenever I meet him I always bring up the incident when we were kids and he asked me if I knew what ‘wanking’ was and if I could help him. Last time I mentioned it to him (he is 34) his face went puce with rage and he didn’t speak to me for about a week. Result.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 21:26, 2 replies)

Before christmas
I was invited by a colleague to attend a 'ladies lunch' at the local Southern Baptist church. Despite my atheism, I went along - it never hurts to try something new*, and there's not much else to do in the Deep South of the USA.

Imagine my surprise when the speaker told us 'then the angel Gabriel came upon Mary, and Lo, she was with child'. And later 'grab hold of God's piece!'.

It made me look at Christians in a whole new light.


*ok, so covering a watermelon in shards of glass and then trying to insert it in your anus may hurt, but most new experiences do not actually hurt.
( ascorbate, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 21:18, Reply)

Yes, yet another bad joke you've probably already heard before.
Okay, this joke is about Jesus, but whatever, same thing according to some people.

Jesus was hanging around in heaven and he got bored. He went over to St. Peter and said "Hey, I'm really bored. Mind if I take over at the gates for you?" Peter said "Well, I guess I haven't taken a coffee break in 1500 years, why not. Just greet the people at the gate and ask them about their lives, and if it was good, let them in."
So Jesus stood at the gates and an old man came up to it. Jesus said "Hello old man, Tell me about your life." The old man said "Well, I worked with wood for most of my life." Jesus thought of his own father, the carpenter, and said "Go on."
"I had a son who died and came back to life."
Jesus got excited and said "Tell me more about your son!"
The old man goes "He had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus, overcome with emotion, cries out "FATHER?"
The old man starts weeping and asks "PINOCCHIO?"
(mariam67, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 20:23, Reply)

My nana
is 92 years old and giving staff at the nursing home a hard time.

Apparently, and this is a long way back now, but each time she gave birth, she was made to go to the front of the church and pray for forgiveness for the sin of having sex which resulted in the baby. This, despite being married.

My grandfather, (who died when my mum was 18 and was by all accounts a bit of a bastard) now was he made to ask for forgiveness as I'm pretty sure he had something to do with the conception?? Like fun he was!

Now fair enough this was eons ago and I'm pretty sure this kind of thing doesn't still happen in contemporary society (although this was in Ireland so maybe the same still applies, who knows) but it still makes me seethe with rage a little whenever I think about it. Fecking sexism in religion.
(Eldoofus, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 20:09, 2 replies)

The Inevitable Church Billboard Post
(Frankly im surprised this hasnt been posted already)

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

6. Don't let worry kill you off, let the Church help.

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

15. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

20. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

24. The primary 7's will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
(Banjax, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 18:51, 3 replies)

Religion based funnies?
(Neither of these are mine but I do think they're funny)
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord will grant you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."


and


Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
(Banjax, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 18:50, Reply)