From my mum:
"Pray like that's the only thing that works, and then work like that's the only thing that works." Even if you're not religious I think it's a good idea... that we should spend as much time worrying as we need, but at the end of the day we should work as if it makes no difference.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sat 22 May 2010, 21:40, Reply)

Don't sit out in the sun at noon just because "It's England, and we won't see the sun again..."
...you WILL turn into bacon.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sat 22 May 2010, 21:37, Reply)

From a Colonel in the US Army:
"Blow your own horn or someone will shove it up your ass"

Thanks, Col. Rapaport. Good advice.
(mortdubois lacks imagination, doesn't play well with others, Sat 22 May 2010, 21:10, Reply)

If you are at a zoo...
and are wondering whether the bear in front of you is male or female then go find one of the zoo employees and ask him nicely.

DO NOT climb into the bear pit and kick the bear in the crotch. It will end badly.

The same holds true of Welsh people.
(Big D, Sat 22 May 2010, 20:39, Reply)

Never buy lucky heather off a Pikey
if it was that fuckin lucky they'd not have to live in caravans, would they?
( Sallyrsm, Sat 22 May 2010, 19:42, Reply)

Don't
eat yellow snow.

And never trust a dog with orange eyebrows.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 22 May 2010, 19:30, 2 replies)

Very simple advice given to me by my Father which was given to him by his Father:

"Never let anyone back you into a corner and never let anyone blackmail you, because the consequences of both will never be as bad as you think they will be"

It's served well so far.
( Bamboo Steamer, Sat 22 May 2010, 19:30, Reply)

couple
1st one from and old TV show called Due South, from the ghost of his dead father.

"In the 53 years of me being alve and the 3 months of me being dead, I have learnt one thing about women; I know nothing about women"

and from my grandad.

"Never throw the first punch, but try and make sure your first is the last"
"When taking a woman home, always make sure you have protection; tell her someone elses name from the start"
"Puke when drunk at night and you don't remember; puke the morning after and it hurts"

Wise
(Strump striving for imperfection since, Sat 22 May 2010, 18:30, 3 replies)

If you're a pop idol whose fans are almost all girls,
try getting a crewcut. Almost all males love a shaved Bieber.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 22 May 2010, 18:24, Reply)

Simple but devastatinsly effective
I work in a job that I REALLY haven't enjoyed for over 10 years. Unfortunately I have always suffered from depression and that has always made it a terrifying concept to go out and start again at something I might enjoy. Luckily I work with a fairly decent bunch that have managed to keep me from topping myself. But that still doesn't make it right and I've always known that I needed to get myself out and do something a bit more meaningful with my life. A while back, the youngest lad in the office who I've never credited with much of an intellect (we have a list of his quotes in the office, including the classic pronouncement before he went to a re-enactment banquet where "they would be drinking out of goblins") sat listening to me whingeing about another shit day but that my friends told me that I would make a great teacher. However, I said, I could never do it as it would be way too difficult. He looked thoughtful for a second and then came out with one of the most profound truths I have ever heard: "Just do it. It's better to be at the bottom of a ladder that you want to climb than half way up one you don't want to be on anymore". My jaw dropped in astonishment. How had I missed this for so long? I went home that night and arranged a week at my nieces school. I loved it. Next year I will be living with my parents while I do a PGCE. It might be fucking tough but it will be well worth it. Thank you Andy. I fucking love you.
(Bearos, Sat 22 May 2010, 18:01, 7 replies)

Never...
...put your signature or your cock anywhere without thoroughly researching first.
( routine has perfected burgers, Sat 22 May 2010, 17:55, Reply)

Some of the best advice I've ever recieved
We may possibly, or may not have been fuelled by '3 for £12' Pinot Grigio from Asda, but some of the best advice my mate Seb (for that is his name) gave to me in terms of doing the squelchy was "Just lay back and think of England".

Never a truer word spoken.

Length? Not sure, my mind was elsewhere.
(Mr.Cunt whacked his knob out in Asda on, Sat 22 May 2010, 17:53, Reply)

It's a lovely weekend
Everyone look outside, if it's not dark, then why are you reading the QOTW? While it's sunny, get out there and enjoy it.
Look on openstreetmap.org and find your nearest footpath, and go for a walk, even a short one. If you can still hear traffic, go further. If you can find a walk with a pub on it, bonus, if said pub is out of the way enough to exist mainly for that walk, then chances are you've not been there, and it's quite nice.
If you have a smartphone or a GPS with footpaths on it, go out and wander about until lost, then use it to find your way back.
If you're at work, convince people to go for a picnic somewhere over lunch, bring a frisbee if possible. If you're not at work, do this as well, but for longer.

If you've got time to sit here reading the QOTW, you have time to go out and enjoy the day, this will still be here when it's dark.
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Sat 22 May 2010, 17:42, 2 replies)

On finding love after a long term relationship ends....

Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.
(Gherkinlasagna is probably doing something stupid on, Sat 22 May 2010, 17:36, 1 reply)

Winter
is coming.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 22 May 2010, 16:56, 7 replies)

Pay attention
1.Read the label. Then READ the label. This is especially important BEFORE applying Veet to your nutsac.

2. NEVER smell anyone's fingers if they ask you to.

3. If your stomach is rumbling and grumbling, after a night out and food from a kebab van, don't take the risk of quacking out a nice loud fart at work in a bid to amuse your mates. There are few things as demeaning as waddling homewards with all your workmates knowing you have followed through.

4. When proceeding up the Bournville Boulevard (yours or hers, fair's fair), use plenty of lube. And then a bit more.
Oh, and "lube" doesn't mean "spit".

5. If you like your partner to swallow your goo, it's considerate to lay off the onions, asparagus, curry and cigarettes for a few days beforehand, if not permanently. (Choice between being gobbled and a nice curry? No contest, I'd rather go hungry than miss out on spilling my mess)
Pineapples and fruit juice in your diet will make the experience far less traumatic for a reluctant swallower, and make it less likely that she does an impression of General Tojo being hanged when you pop your load in her mouth.
(Rsoles, Sat 22 May 2010, 16:44, 3 replies)

Always wear an overcoat and you'll never get a snotty nose.
Sage words from my old granny.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sat 22 May 2010, 16:20, 2 replies)

Never trust a vegetarian
Best piece of advice i've ever been told.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 22 May 2010, 15:46, 6 replies)

Always wear clean knickers
in case you get hit by a bus
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 22 May 2010, 15:43, 5 replies)

Rocking Chair

Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. Keeps you busy but doesn't get you anywhere.
(unicornflakes, Sat 22 May 2010, 15:31, Reply)

Never argue with an idiot
They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Sat 22 May 2010, 14:33, Reply)

pigs
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Sat 22 May 2010, 14:14, 1 reply)

Just one for now
My own:

The only stupid question is the one that isn't asked.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Sat 22 May 2010, 14:14, 2 replies)

All the best advice comes from ladies' magazines
I was reading a Bella or Best or Woman's Own round my mum's house and in the problem pages was the best advice e.v.e.r...

Dear aunty whatever,
My husband keeps trying to persuade me to have anal sex with him. I don't want to but he says it's great and I'll really enjoy it. What should I do?
Yours,
Miserable in Merseyside

Dear Miserable in Merseyside,
Go out and buy a big dildo and tell your husband if it's so great why don't you try it on him first.
Yours,
Aunty whatever
(mellocakes has a special fondness for chickpeas, Sat 22 May 2010, 13:38, 2 replies)

....
Never wipe your arse with a broken bottle!
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Sat 22 May 2010, 13:29, 1 reply)

Now I'm not really a tactile person...
in fact if friends kiss me in greeting I'm bound to turn my head the wrong way and embarrass myself..
But. My advice is...

HUG THE PERSON YOU LOVE WHEN YOU SAY GOODBYE TO THEM

Even if you're just going out the door to work. Because you never know. I didn't hug my Dad goodbye the last time I saw him, I was rushing out the door one Boxing Day to avoid snow on the A1 on my way home to London, he died three days later, chance over.
And the sad news we've read on the home page this week makes this doubly true.

You will never look back and say "damn, I hugged XXX too much"
( Sallyrsm, Sat 22 May 2010, 13:27, 3 replies)

My friend Jack used to say
"Never rub another man's rhubarb"

Even though he was a bit of a joker, it has served me well.
(Cylon Bum Raider already knows how this will end, Sat 22 May 2010, 13:26, Reply)

Good advice
My grandfather once told me....'never put your finger where you wouldn't put your dick'. I was trying to fix a lawnmower at the time....
(Pete the Librarian, Sat 22 May 2010, 13:22, Reply)

My Grandad...
...once gave me this sage advice.

"There's two ways to treat women..."

....as he leant in closer to divulge....

"...and no-bugger knows either of them."
( fr13day has everything required to be a Penguin, Sat 22 May 2010, 12:21, 2 replies)

Over 43 years.....
... I've been given tons of advice, and some of it I have actually listened to. Here are a few faves:

John:
Personal experimentation will prove that the shortest distance between two pubs is rarely a straight line.

Dad:
I don't ever want to have to bail you out of jail for anything criminal. If you get arrested standing up for what you believe in, that's ok - anything else will break your mother's heart.

Cousin Nik:
No-one ever drowned in a shallow relationship.

Mr Harris:
Never go out with a woman that is a hooker, a drug addict, or works in sales, or HR. Because they will never ever give you a straight and truthful answer.

And a couple of my own:
Money doesn't buy you happiness, but it can get you a better class of misery.

A wise person learns from their mistakes; a wiser person learns from the mistakes of others.

If your woman asks you if - hypothetically - you would like to shag any of her sisters or friends, ALWAYS answer 'no'.
If you wish to keep your bollocks in the vicinity of your body, trust me - there is no other answer!
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Sat 22 May 2010, 12:08, 3 replies)