Confessing
to mastubatory habits on a public forum knowing that I am safely anonymous.

(See below)
(McFlooble, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 18:35, Reply)

Masturbating at work
Not that I feel guilty about the masturbating at work in itself. Hell, I'm sure everyone does that. I feel guilty for fantasising about my middle-aged colleagues (45 years +) who, for some reason, make me feel so horny. They all wonder why a young, handsome man in his mid 20s can't find a girlfriend. Little do they know its because I am deranged pervert who wants to cum in their middle-aged mouths.

I need help.
(McFlooble, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 18:34, Reply)

Singing in the shower,
but not just any old singing, oh no. Either singing like Morrissey or developing a throaty death metal style growl.

Best of both worlds, obviously.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 18:30, Reply)

telesales...
dont they really piss you off....

When they ring up and ask to speak to me, i say "i'll just get him for you" and put the phone on the side. Come back 10 minutes later and if they're still on the phone (sometimes happens!) say "he's just coming" and give it another 15 minutes.......

One by one they are stopping calling, what will i do for pleasure then? Reading other posts, i think the junk mail envelope switch is a good idea, with one slight alteration. Bung more stuff in the envelope so that the postage on the envelope wont be enough so it will actually cost them to retrieve someone elses crap!!!
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 18:19, Reply)

Hangs Head
Waiting for the nighttime booger buildup to soften in the steam from the shower then blowing it hard all over the white tiles of the shower wall. Just to see how much there was. Spectacular results after a night on the ching.
When having casual beers at home with my flatmates I really enjoy pissing in the sink rather than the loo. But then I have to flush the loo anyway to disguise the fact that I didn't pee in it.
Hanging on and hanging on too see just how big a crap I can produce (extra good if the bathroom has scales).
Stopping off to check out Lucy Pinder in the Star before buying the Granuiad.
Making belmy faces and acting generally spaccy behind my girlfriend's back when she is being snooty.
(I am the infinite monkey!, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 18:13, Reply)

Turkey Twizzlers
I love them, my parents wont let me have them because of that jamie oliver twunt. when my parents go away i live off them.

Also posting messages like this, or messages about naughty things as i know my dad reads b3ta but he dosent know this is me, in fact his sitting about 2meters away from me probably reading b3ta now. mwahahahah
(anon., Thu 7 Apr 2005, 18:11, Reply)

lion
every now and again with no provacation, i like to make a noise like a lion to myself. A noise somwhere between a roar and a purr (sorta like rraow). It makes me really happy (?)
(b3rnie c, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 18:04, Reply)

toilet time
i also LOVE to walk into a packed nightclub toilet for a piss, and go freely into the urinal knowing that i *probably* out-dong the guys to the left and the right of me// the well endowed guys here know what i mean.. that feeling, and when you check their's on the sly, i cant help but smile..

and also with the toilet thing, when you see a guy go into the cubicle for a piss -even though- theres a urinal spare, you just KNOW his dick is ashamedly small..

ahhhhh

"that winning feeling"
(kiespike, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 18:03, Reply)

The joy!
I like waking up slightly earlier than I need to and then positioning my right hand, slightly twisted, under my torso and then drifting back off to sleep.

About an hour later, when you wake up fully, you can wank yourself with a dead-arm and it's like somebody else is doing it...

I know you will all try this tomorrow
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:52, Reply)

.
I sing to my dog
(Barry Big Fist, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:51, Reply)

another one...
oh i nearly forgot, i like to stay awake till 3 a.m. and get my silenced air rifle, and use the view from my bedroom window of my long street as a shooting range.. porch lights and cats always a guilty guilty pleasure.. mmmm and the late night weekend buses, theres no pleasure greater *sigh*

makes watching scratched heads as i drive to work in the morning all the more satisfying, 3 years, still no one knows.

ahhhhhh
(kiespike, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:51, Reply)

Talking/Singing to myself...
Far too much, telling myself stories as well. I can't think quietly.

Agree with the whole walking around house/flat naked thing, strangely satisfying.

g/f does the whole picking and squeezing of spots and skin thing to me as well.
( Sheep in Socks it is illegal to take a lion to the cinema., Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:49, Reply)

'How Clean Is Your House?'
When I'm alone and sat in front of the T.V, I often wipe my finger along the top of the screen to see how much dust there is.

I used to do this in other people's houses, but I now restrain myself.
(loochery, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:47, Reply)

Talking to myself
Wait, do I really gain pleasure from that?
Of course you do, cause you can say things you can't really get away with in front of other people. Like bad jokes.
I suppose you're right, let's put that.
Love you.
Love you too.
( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:45, Reply)

Shoes.
Smelling the new-shoe smell. Mmmmmm.
(Pixel, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:45, Reply)

i just love..
to use hair grips to pick the ear wax out then eat it up... only works once a week though

once you get used to it you get addicted i swear, dont go in too heavy though..
(kiespike, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:44, Reply)

oh, and...
if i'm at work, or a public toilet anywhere....

Before taking a shit, build a little nest with toilet paper so that the turd sits above the waterline, and dont flush when you have finished - get out of there as quick as possible coz it stinks!

sometimes hang about if no-one knows i was in there last to see the face of the following user, usually very shortly after they enter the loo...

chortle
chortle
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:36, Reply)

guilty - moi , pah!
i like to get my neighbours dog stoned when it's in the back yard, runs round barking at stuff that isnt there, goes in and eats loads and drinks loads of water and falls asleep for hours....

toilet door open is a must, as is sh!tting in the nude, and walking around the house in the nude..

Chocolate biscuit bars (penguin etc)- lovely in a sandwich...

Chocolate vodka, 1 bottle cheap vodka, 1 king size mars bar - chopped, mix and shake for a couple of mins every day for a week - lovely.....

wanking into the g/f's worn knickers, or pulling them out of the wash basket for a sniff when she's out, yeah - thats a guilty pleasure but oh so nice...

Aah, there's loads - but what is life without pleasures......
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:33, Reply)

Putting PVA glue on my hands
and letting it dry, just so I can peel it all off again!
( Christian Bale of Hay in a field, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:31, Reply)

eating alone..........
I eat cus I’m unhappy, but I’m unhappy cus i eat......

Actually, no I’m not. I fucking love eating. CAKES AND PIES, CAKES AND PIES!!!! keep your low fat piss. i want the full fat dead before you're thirty shit! Yeah, get it down you, before your heart explodes. and give me 40 Regal King size and a flat pack of Carling. I'm going out in style.
As for "you are what you eat" I’m good with that. I'm a family pack of Monster munch, ten donuts, ice cream, cheese cake, in the same bowl, covered in gravy. It's got to be much better company than a carrot.
Guilty? I’ll just eat till my head is numb.
(Jeeves, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:26, Reply)

Beetle Bailey Cartoons
I've never been in the military, never wanted to be, but he just cracks me up! Imagining Miss Buxley as a real woman is part of the appeal too. Grrrwwwlll!

Of course, doing her in cartoon form would work too.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:23, Reply)

Back at University
Halls of residence - dining hall.

Take salt and pepper shaker (both are identical - single hole, just with different contents).

1. remove tops of shakers.
2. place finger over hole in top of salt shaker, turn upside down and fill with pepper.
3. place paper napkin over top of the bottom half of salt shaker.
4. screw pepper filled lid of salt shaker onto napkin covered base.
5. remove excess paper napkin.
6. sit back and smile quietly to self when people shake visibly full salt shaker onto food and get pepper.

Meals were crap - had to get our small pleasures somewhere.
( Weetobix, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:17, Reply)

I once
wanked while at Pontins in Blackpool. Sandy foreskin I tell you.
( Laughing Boy, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Farting in elevators...
Just before I walk out so the next person who walks in gets a present.

Edit: and I just found out that the so called "Girl-taxis" in Sweden (Cheaper fares for women) are being banned as sexual discrimination, as well as different minimum ages and prices at clubs for girls. You want equality, you can have it.

(not really a guilty pleasure, but a pleasure nonetheless)
(Squash, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:10, Reply)

stilton
cheese
(p0zitr0n - phunarmically charged particle, detected at, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:02, Reply)

Angela Lansbury ..
I just love watching the overgrown poodle finding elaborate ways to blame other people for the murders she commits....
(baco_the_foil, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 17:01, Reply)

Sending people in the wrong direction
I use to it all the time when working between London Bridge and Tower Bridge, and tourist were asking directions to London Bridge but actually meant Tower Bridge.

People who cannot read maps at bus stop, I always send them to the wrong bus stop so they end up at the other side of town.
(albator, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:44, Reply)

Poo
I love taking a crap at work - especially if I've had anything with onions in it, as it's guaranteed to smell just disgusting.

I also like masturbating while my boyfriend is in another part of our house - he doesn't have a clue why I end up all rosey cheeked.
(surfergirl is riding the wave of luurvveee, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:43, Reply)

Mmm olfaction
I love to smell the sweat under my watch strap. And the foam pads of my earphones. And my ball sweat. And i love to drive at just below the speed limit in front of drivers who are tail-gating me.
(Chicken Amygdala, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:40, Reply)

Cheese
Calcium makes you sleep, which might be why people get urges to eat/drink milky things in the middle of the night. SCIENCE FACT!

I always pick my nose last thing at night so I can breathe freely and deeply whilst asleep. That's the only reason, obviously. I don't enjoy it at all!
(woohoo, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:39, Reply)