On the first night of a trip to Germany I arrive back at the hotel after downing a shed load of beers. I managed to get all my clothes off and climb into bed.

All was fine untill a few hours later when I needed a piss, annoyed I stumble bleary eyed to the bathroom and hear the door click behind me. To my absoulute horror I now realise that I am standing in the corridor of a German hotel, naked with the door to my room locked behind me.

Shit, I thought two doors in my room and I pick the wrong one, and I still need to piss.

The only thing to do was to boldly walk down to reception and get them to let me back into my room.
I spent the rest of the weekend trying to avoid the girl on the front desk who had to deal with the pissed up naked Englishman.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 6:52, Reply)

donner und blitzen
Hired a car and went camping in Germany last year. Pitched in a slightly sloping but reasonale site in Freiburg. Woken at 11 by the sound of the biggest rain I have ever heard, flashes of lightening every few seconds and constant thunder. Shortly after that the bottom of the tent started to feel very cold as the ground became saturated and the water began flowing beneath the tent. In the morning it turned out that several trees had given up some of their branches during the night which the campsite owner spent the morning triming with a chainsaw to make them manageable enough to move; luckily nothing hit neither our tent nor the car. Interesting night to say the least...
( wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 6:30, Reply)

Bargain
On my first visit to Las Vegas (years ago), I couldn't sleep, so I grabbed some cash and walked to a casino, passing through a dark stretch on the Strip south of what's now Bally's.

It was like Halloween in July: any number of ladies-of-the-night, wearing pancake makeup and tight dresses, were hiding in the darkness. They would jump out from behind parked cars, shout for attention, and give chase.

I quickly passed through the gauntlet, hoping instead for luck at the tables, but lost. I dreaded the walk back.

"Hey, baby," she shouted, as she came leaping across the sprinklers, "Twenty dollars for a blow job!" I mumbled something about not having any money, but she didn't accept my plea of poverty, and persisted.

Finally, she stepped right in front of me, and we collided. She grabbed my crotch, and tried a different kind of persuasion. Passing motorists honked at the sight. Embarrassed, I grabbed her elbows, shoved her away, and shouted "NO!"

She sighed cynically and said, "OK, fifteen."
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 6:13, Reply)

going cycling in the pyrenees...
probably wasn't the best idea for a holiday...

was about 17 or so, went with two other blokes my age, one English, one French.

after the second day i've had enough, so i cycle back to camp (a mosquito infested clearing in some bushes - yay!)

after smoking a couple of Gauloises, decide that hitch-hiking back to the Charente (where my old man is working whilst i'm off dying of exhaustion) is the order of the day, so i write the others a note (largely using English slang) and hit the road armed with about 10 francs and a bottle of water.

over the next 30 hours i probably walked a total of about 50km, didn't consult a map once, spent my 10 francs on another bottle of water and a Snickers bar, got lifts from a variety of mad and colourful French people including the lunatic who nearly had us over the edge on every corner of the mountain road, the chick who had to make a 'pit-stop' at a tavern en route, the mad old man in a 2CV with whom i had a long discussion about the merits of the rear suspension (in perfect French!), the furniture showroom owner who drove me 250kms, cooked me a good meal and allowed me to crash on his showroom floor for the night, then dropped me off at the nearest town after a hearty breakfast - and many other characters.

meanwhile in the Pyrenees it's all gone a bit wrong. English bloke has had some kind of seizure halfway up a mountain and been carted off to hospital. French bloke has come back, found my unintelligible note and panicked as i'm nowhere to be seen. fuck did i ever get a bollocking off his parents.

at some point during my "faire l'auto-stop" i managed to make a phone call to the old man, to say i was alive, and then later that afternoon i was helping him build a house.

so, yeah, aside from the great adventure, a truly shite holiday. i don't do pushbikes any more.

apologies for girth.
(squirrelysquirrel, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 4:07, Reply)

Trekking in the Himalayas
The Himalayas are truly magical, I would wholeheartedly recommend to anyone that you make at least one trip there during your lifetime. I did the Everest trek, which is one of the more touristy destinations, since lots of people seem to want to see the world's tallest mountain.

The trek up is really quite fantastic. Unbelievable views the whole time, with increasingly common glimpses of the great mountain and its plume of cloud, resulting from the fact that it is so tall that it sticks up into the jetstream.

The only downside to the process of gaining altitude is that you can't go more than 300m higher on any given day, or you get altitude sickness. Some days you do a fair hike anyway because you need to cover some horizontal distance, but other days you go up fairly steeply and get 300m higher in no time, so you have to stop. After many days of anticipation, it starts getting increasingly antsy to have to sit around and wait to acclimatize before doing the next leg.

So there I was on the last day's hike towards Everest Base Camp. I'd patiently acclimatized just the recommended way, but you never know how altitude is going to affect you, and sometimes the guidelines are too loose. One of the first signs of altitude sickness is headache and confusion, which I started getting on that day.

"Never mind," I thought, "I'm almost there, I'll just push it a bit and I'll be fine."

Well, I wasn't. I spent that night, all the next day, and the night after that in a filthy guesthouse, flat on my back, puking every 15 minutes, with explosive diarrhoea, and gasping desperately for breath. I had barely enough strength to stagger outside and find a new spot in which to evacuate the meagre contents of my guts before I collapsed back into bed. The whole time I felt like I was going to die of oxygen deprivation, and kept trying to take deeper and longer breaths, but my body was hyperventilating wildly and still not getting enough air.

I stubbornly kept thinking that I would acclimatize and recover, but by the end of the second sleepless night, I had had enough. I hadn't managed to set foot on Everest, but I was past caring, I just wanted to descend.

What was most incredible was the way I magically recovered as I walked downhill. It was like having the most unbelievable hangover of your life just lift away in the space of five minutes. I practically skipped down to the next rest stop!

The really strange thing was that the next day I climbed another mountain, Chukung Ri, which is the next one down from Everest though very much smaller. At the peak I was significantly higher than I had been during my attack of altitude sickness, and yet I felt fine!

The view from that point was so incredible, I will never forget it. The lanscape was so vast that I found my mind playing tricks trying to gain perspective. It seemed like I could reach out and touch the sand down below me, when I knew that what I was actually seeing were the huge boulders that I had walked past the day before.

So I've never actually been to Mount Everest, and I'm not sure that I ever will. But the mysterious blissfullness of those mountains was a far greater gift than standing on the world's tallest mountain could ever be, and I feel thoroughly blessed to have had the chance to experience their majesty.

.
(arvana, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 3:27, Reply)

But it ended...
The greatest vacation I ever had was with my girlfriend at the time. We went to a small town bed and breakfast, stayed up late talking about the nature of things, and caught a few plays. Nothing will beat the feel of those few days. Then we went back to the same old worries about school, money, and finding jobs. That was the last time I cried... am I a bit late on this?
(Crisis of Identities, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 3:10, Reply)

I Have To Pay For It?
Last, ohhh, Feb I think, maybe two years ago, me and Mrs.9V were on 'olidays in a sunny old place, living it up at beaches and touristy what-not, any way, we were there for a week, and as you do, you might run out of toilet paper, which we did. Mind you, calling the sandpaper they had there "toilet paper" was rich.

So, as we were fast approaching zereo-level of the stuff, I walked down to the front desk and asked for some more, as I couldn't fine any in the room.

"okay, sure that will be 60c"
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

Needless to say Mrs.9V was enraged, as was I, I gave them a 60c peice of my mind and got all the bloody toilet paper I could ever dream about for free.

bastards.
but i won!
(i enjoy licking 9V batteries, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 2:53, Reply)

air conditioning?
a few summers ago, my family flew from new york to denver, so we could do this big road trip. we would drive from denver to vegas, then through some national parks and such, and end up in los angeles.

we get to the outskirts of vegas.
air conditioning in car breaks.
temperature outside? 110 degrees fahrenheit.
the start to a lovely, sweltering vacation.
(LaChicKitten, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 2:42, Reply)

when I was 13...
my family decided to take a trip to Italy. Going to a rather dressy restaurant one night, we stopped to watch a Saint's day parade go by. I was dressed up for going out to dinner, wearing a dress that tied in the back. I looked out the window and saw a guy in the car next to us looking at me. I was very excited, as my cousin, being three years older and much prettier than me, usually was the one being stared at by hot Italian men. I smiled at the guy and looked away, only to notice several men on the other side of the street staring at me as well. At this point I looked down to see that my dress had come untied, exposing my tiny, 13-year-old breats for the entire Saint's Day procession to see.

..and my family felt the need to remind me of the ordeal at every nude statue we came by.
(sponch!, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 2:41, Reply)

Back when boltneck was a wee young thing
The family went on a camping trip down to the south coast. I first learnt to swear when my Father whilst trying to reverse the car and trailer back out of the tiny back lane that was supposed to be a short cut uttered the immortal sentance "THIS FUCKING TRAILER HAS A FUCKING MIND OF IT'S FUCKING OWN!!!! BASTARD!!"

The most memorable event of the holiday was me and my brother playing 'The Professionals' with spud guns. We decided to raid the toilet block and doing my best Bodie impression I kicked one of the doors open and went in firing. I will never forget the look on the poor bastards face as he sat there trying to give birth to a baby bog fish, as some maniac kid comes bursting in and shoots him right between the eyes with a chunk of potato and runs back out. I spent the next two days hiding from him and laughing from various places as he went by.
(boltneck sacrificed a smurf to Cthulhu on, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 1:01, Reply)

camping TRIP
Last summer me and 3 buddies of mine went up to Algonquin park for a week to camp. We were really excited since we couldn't go last year because my cat got cancer in his ass. So we got there and got onto our site and unpacked and everything was great, it was warm, the site looked good, so we thought we would go get some beer at a local store and party. So we got the beer and some dope, but we couldn't find any chicks. So after about 3 hours of being assholes we hit the hay. We were still baked so we didnt fall asleep until about 11 pm. We had to go to bed somewhat early because we were all going bird watching the next day.... So as we were all half asleep at about 11:30 pm we heard this guy outside our tent going "Holy shit man, what the fuck is going on" so we get up and go see what the dealyo is. Apparently he was being chased by an animal of some sort, and we all knew he was stoned so were were like "Hey come have a beer and calm down" and he did. We had a couple of beers, got smashed and i started getting this really bad head ache from laughing my ass off all night and falling down and shit so this guy who we found said "Here man i got some asprin, that will help" and i'm like " For sure nigga" and i took it.... We said goodbye to this random pothead and went to bed. About 5 minutes later i was lying in my sleeping bag my buddies were snoring like motorbikes and my head started spinning uncontrolably. So i was like whatever i am just really tired. It gets really fucked up and i start hearin shit and seeing shit so i just sat up for about a half hour i just sat there looking at my buddies not wanting to wake them up, but hoping they would wake up themselves so i could say "Dude what the fuck somethings wrong man".... but that didnt happen. So i thought I would get out and get some fresh air. I did that and got out of the tent and when i got out i thought i would go to the bathroom and wash my face and wake up. So i get into the bathroom and its lighted and i swore to fucking god I saw a giant ant with the head of Hitler. So I mean i fucking booked it and got the hell out of that bathroom. So I ran to the road out of the camp sight and on to the high way that goes through Algonquin park and started running to the store on the side of the road. It was really dark and i was really high still and i couldn't see shit, but i could hear this ant with the head of head of Hitler chasing me saying random German swear words every 5 seconds. So i must have ran for about an hour straight until i came to the store. So i thought it was open but it wasnt and there was noone in sight so i fucking jumped in a garbage can. I managed to get about a minute a head of the Hitler ant, and i heard it walking around the garbage can but he couldnt smell me he could just smell garbage, so it all worked out and i waited a while. After a minute I got out and walked back out onto the road and started walking back to my camp site. After about a half hour of boring ass walking i see someone running in the middle of the road toward me yelling "Fuck mother fucker what the fuck" So i stopped and realized that it was the pothead that was getting chased by our campo site, so he runs up to me and i start running with him and i say "what the fuck dude why are you running" and he says "The fucking Hitler ant is gonna chop my wang off" So i say "Wait, HItler ant" and he says "Ya the giant ant with the head of hitler" So we both start running twice as fast and then again I hear the damn german swear words every 5 seconds. So were running back to this random guys camp site to get his truck. So we get there with Hitler close behind us and get in and fucking drive back towards my site to get my buddies. So we get to my camp site and me and random dude here get in my tent and my buddies are sleeping like little angles and after about 5 minutes of talkin to the pothead that i met up with we decide to go to bed because we lost Hitler, so we go to bed. In about 4 hours we wake up my 3 buddies are like "oh hey man u decided to stay over night" to the stoner and he was like ya. THen we tell my 3 buddies about the Hitler ant and everything and we regain our senses and realized that the random stoner that we found outside the camp site going "what the fuck is going on" was being chased by the Hitler ant at that time. But the Hitler ant didnt exist, none of this did. That asprin wasn't asprin, it was nothing but 100% LSD. So it turns out the random stoner also had a headache from running so much being chased by the Hitler ant and had also taken some LSD thinking it was asprin. SO we were both trippin out on LSD thinking it was asprin and not having any idea what was going on. So it made one hell of a camping trip and it was freaky at the time but it was awesome when we looked back on it.

OH and it turns out we couldn't go bird watching the next morning because we all slept in..... we were really upset.
(Kerflabjeje, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 0:56, Reply)

mountaineering
last summer.
kilimanjaro, got to last day before attempting summit, just about to set off, emptied my guts up on floor, leaving a nasty taste in my mouth, but i felt great! climbed mountain - got half way down, spewed up everywhere again!

impressive!
( Sellers funkie not junkie, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 0:52, Reply)

Hmmmm, lets see
Camping holiday - Tent collapsed.

Caravan holiday - Woke up paralyzed from neck UP, in so much agony I couldn't scream. Still don't know why to this day.

Holiday in France - Brochure said luxury fitness centre. Was actually a room with 2 broken tredmills and half a ping-pong table. Laundry room took Pounds Sterling, £6 per wash. Also had some kind of breeding ground for flies in laundry room, as the windowsill was literally black with dead ones. Bags of rubbish thrown outside gates, resulting in foot-long rats. Rats killed by poison, bodies left to rot, resulting in more rats (and possibly the reason for flies??)

Thats about it
( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 0:23, Reply)

Holiday, celebrate!
Getting locked in my hotel room bathroom was a classic. Oh, and having to go to the lobby as I forgot my room number only to discover it was written on the keys.

That hotel hated me.
(carlspick profile? Dunne, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 0:21, Reply)

not me but a mate...
... went to visit friends in the states. so there was this coin operated jacuzzi at the spa and they wanted to go there. being german, my mate was not only first in and enjoying the bubbles caressing his bollocks, but also stark naked while doing so.

this was when he realised that americans wear speedos/bikinis in the jacuzzi.

cue him watching the small pile of coins next to the jacuzzi slowly disappear and hoping the yankees get out of the thing before time runs out.
( bierbelly, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 0:21, Reply)

It was a great holiday, but...
...I only had a picture of Avril Lavigne bearing her arse to a crowd at the MuchMusic Video Awards in a copy of Heat magazine we bought at the airport to wank over.
(CowInParachute, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 23:53, Reply)

Not a smuggler
Spent 2 weeks going round Turkey, bought myself some of their local apple tea to take home. Thing is, it's a light brown powder sold in sealed clear plastic bags. You can imagine what customs thought at Gatwick when they pulled me over....
(lolwhites, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 23:49, Reply)

Heathrow airport
Last October was supposed to be heading to warmer climbs for a short holiday. I think the security are either the most paranoid in the world or really have it in for me, got searched randomly when they spent about half an hour prodding and poking through my various pockets until they finally agreed there was nothing more dangerous than a hair-band, or possibly the fearsome passport photo. Then had to wait around at the metal detectors to be searched again because they wouldn’t let me pull up my sleeve to show my Piercings and so had to wait for security staff just so I could prove I didn’t in fact hide a nuclear bomb down my trousers.
(Voidedge, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 23:38, Reply)

Moths
Falling asleep in a drunken stupor in an apartment on the greek island of Paxos, window open, light on. Woke up middle of the night, looked around and every square centimetre of wall was covered in moths, big ones little ones the hairy little bastards were everywhere. As much as I wanted to use the toilet I somehow managed to pull the covers over my head after switching the light off and went back to sleep dreaming about the moths eating my eyeballs. Woke up mid morning and all the moths had gone to wherever moths go in the daytime. Chasing the sun no doubt.
(Elnicko Nearly pub O'Clock, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 23:34, Reply)

fat ankle
i broke my ankle a week before my first all girls holiday and had to spend it with a huge support bandage thing that made my already swollen ankle look even fatter. getting around the town was crap as all the floors were marble and slippery so ended up with two swollen and fat ankles by the week
(hey sunshiney day, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 23:20, Reply)

It was our honeymoon...
Being outdoorsy types, we had a cottage in Torridon in the middle of Scotland. It was crap, damp and we were too knackered after the wedding to actually do any mountaineering. Sole entertainment was the one pub with shite food and glowering locals.. after 3 days we locked the place up and ran away to a nice hotel.
(friendlyfryer, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 23:18, Reply)

Ah New York, New York
My best mate and I decide to go visit the big apple on our way to Canada. Best time of the year to go? Well, landing on September 8th 2001 seems like such a good idea.

After several days of fun and drinks, things come to a halt and we are stranded in the most panicky and least intelligent place one could be at that point. Eventually after 3 days we have had enough and decide to get the bus to Canada instead of waiting for our much delayed flight. We get to the bus station just in time for 2 bomb scares to kick off. My lasting memory of that afternoon is standing, exhausted and almost in tears saying to my friend 'I just want to turn round now and see my family coming to take me home'.

Didn't happen of course, but we did make it safely to Canada and had lovely holiday which involved much drinking, shopping and whale watching.

Moral of the story is: doesn't matter how old you get (I was 21 at the time), you still want your family to come and rescue you sometimes. The you get over it and go and do something else.
(kitteny_goodness, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 22:50, Reply)

Pain and soakings
Our Year 9 school camping trip - always a source of traumatic memories.

On day 2 of the five day extravaganza, we were doing an assault course in the morning. Being a proper fat little sausage at the time, I managed to dislocate one of my puny shoulders as it struggled to pull my sweaty bulk up a climbing rope. It sorta popped back in without much difficulty, but it was rather painful for a long time afterwards. On the plus side, it did get me out of abseiling from a creaky windblown tower that afternoon.

The next day we had sailing. I've never been a huge fan of boats, and this only reinforced my boat prejudice. Me and my friend Dave got in one of these terrifying little plastic dinghies with a sail and, with minimal instruction from an unhinged Australian fellow, we were struggling to keep in a straight line. We accomplished one U turn successfully but with the minimum of elegance, but when it came to the second turn we weren't so lucky. Dave was less than conscientious when it came to warning me he was steering, and that big metal boom crossbar thingy came and twatted me one round the back of the head. I went *plop* straight in the harbor.

So, now I'm floating around in some rather chilly water, with a useless right arm (due to the previous day's dislocation) and pretty dizzy from the recent head injury. Yes indeed - I was towed back to shore on a rescue boat from no more than a hundred yards off the beach.
( kingofpork is the king of pork, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 22:47, Reply)

I remember
being trapped inside a small hut in Malaysia a couple of years ago by a giant lizard. There was only one way out and he was blocking it.

Also, last year I witnessed my mate Elliot being brutally attacked by an Emu in Australia. It was awesome/awe-inspiring.
( HappyBadger, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 22:37, Reply)

One Month in Oz
My high school graduation gift: My Dad and I went to Australia for nearly an entire month. I was ecstatic! We have a blast, I get to dive, drive on the wrong side of the road/car and then we head to Surfers Paradise so I can get me surf on.

The entire time we are hearing radio stories about "Stay away from the shellfish" as there is some micro-organism that is making folks sick. So, fast-forward to Surfers Paradise: My Dad and I go to dinner and what does he order? The Fried Shellfish Basket.

5 hours later I hear him in the bathroom of our hotel room...both ends, ripping it up. Then I hear this loud thud and I rush to the bathroom. He has passed out and whacked his head, right by the temple WIDE open. Much blood, vomit everywhere.

Australia didnt have a "911" number so I had to get the yellow pages and call an ambulance service. The next morning and 8 stitches later, we return to our hotel from the hospital and the hotel manager has moved all our bags and everything to a brand new room. I imagine there is nothing like being a hotel manager and being woken up at 3am by some Yank Lifeguard SCREAMING "SOMEONE CALL E.M.S.!" (which is what the Red Cross teaches lifeguards to scream before they enter a pool to retrieve some non-swimming git)

I fookin' love Aussies.

Sic Semper Tyrranis!

Sean
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 22:35, Reply)

beware the new forest - it leads to accidental bestiality
Was babysitting a Duke of Edinburgh camping trip in the New forest many years ago... Couldn't be arsed to lug a tent around, so just bedded down in a bivvy bag

Middle of the night, snug in a 4 season sleeping bag I wake to find a huge muzzle on my face and a 6 inch tongue in my mouth - I've been french kissed by a frigging horse! I scream like a tubby bitch with a skimmed knee and the horse legs it, while i collapse in giggles

Best bit was the group were shitting themselves, as all they heard was me scream, then a big animal leg it - they thought i'd been eaten by wolves - muppets


Good snog though
(jonnybravo, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 22:24, Reply)

Not me but the parents
Went to Poland for the Speedway finals in the 1970s. Had a good trip, but the coach got broken into - they stole nothing but cans of Coke, cos apparently the country was so poor those were the only things they could sell on without looking suspicious.

Everything went well after that, until the tour guide decided that then would be a good time to have a radical political view change, and defected to the Commies right in the middle of the trip, leaving the party stranded without a translator and no way of getting home.

The coach stopped at a checkpoint and everyone got out. My Dad spots an outhouse over the way and decides he needs the loo. He starts to walk over the the grass to get to the toilets and hears 6 separate 'click' sounds. He turns around to see six burly guards aiming straight at him with their rifles. Then he spots someone in the far distance flapping their arms and screaming 'GET OFF THE GRASS! THEY'RE GOING TO SHOOT! FOR GOD'S SAKE GET OFF THE GRASS!' Apparently he'd broken some law by walking on the grass and it was perfectly reasonable to shoot him. As he's running off the grass he can see them following him with their rifles, ready to take him down. Needless to say, needing the toilet was all academic at this point.
Obviously they got home eventually, but they ain't ever going to Poland again.
(Funty, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 22:19, Reply)

my mam's going on holiday tommorow
big mistake mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 22:16, Reply)

Shit / vomit
On a eurorail trip instead of experiencing the effects of a serious bout of dioarhea and vomiting I had the pleasure of sharing 1 room and 1 toilet with two people who were.

Let me tell you it's an eye opener the first time you see 2 people kneeling in a cramped french bathroom both simaltaneously puking and spraying each other with shite.. but after a few hours of this I got blaze enough to turn over and go to sleep.
(gentleben, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 22:08, Reply)

Spain...
About 5 or so years ago, staying in my Grandparents house in the mountains. Some arsehole decides to set fire to the mountain, trapping our tiny village in a circle of forest fire. Got evacuated by police/firemen, having to drive past a road with the petrol station on... with flames 10meters from the pumps. Scary.

North Norfolk, aged 9. Fire alarms going off in the middle of the night, on our first night there, as we're all shattered. All us girls try to escape via the fire escape. Only to find that the fire escape won't open. Cue mass panic. Finally manage to get it open by all running into it and rushing down the fire escape stairs and into the tennis courts. We are then told to wake us up and calm us down we're going to have a run around them. Argh.
( Bathory, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 22:07, Reply)