personal space/privacy
Once I pulled at a party and we retreated to my bedroom for some fun. Once we got down to things, the girl insisted on keeping her top on and pulling a bed sheet over us. I was a little weirded out by this behaviour, untill we got going. She had brought all five of her housemates allong to the party and one by one they ALL walked in on us. Not just a casual embarresed head in the door followed by a stream of sorrys as they run away, they STOPPED TO CHAT TO HER WHILST WE WERE HAVING SEX.

Seroiusly you had a hell of a time getting rid of them I even had to tell one particulary clueless one who was asking for a taxi comapy's number "excuse me (thrust) im in the midlle of something here(thrust)" her reply "oh, well ill come back later then"
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 13:20, Reply)

willenium
Actually, yes, we had several house swords! Every household needs one. At the time I was a heavy metal fan and also interested in battle re-enactment, and my uni flatmates were a mixture of heavy metallers and a couple of goth girls - so as you can imagine the house was strewn with all manner of ornamental daggers etc (purely ornamental - not a single one of them was even sharp).
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 13:17, Reply)

mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard....
You had an entire porn cupboard!?

Ace!
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 13:01, Reply)

My fiance
lived with a girl who was so generally nasty and bullying that it caused her (my fiance) to suffer a severe relapse in her existing depression and have to give up work. Aswell as being generally spiteful and nasty in her general demeanour, she never did any housework at all, so I ended up cleaning her and her boyfriends' dishes whenever I came round to visit. In the end, my fiance moved out leaving her to pay all the bills etc herself, including a £600 electricity bill. Sometimes I feel guilty for that, but then I remember that by bullying my fiance and making her ill, she cost her a £30,000 a year job, which makes £600 into small potatoes really.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 12:46, Reply)

And another thing
On at least two occasions now I have come back to my house from a weekend away to find that somebody has unplugged the fridge and freezer.

I have thought for ages, and I still can't think of any logical reason for doing so.
(Uncle Comrade, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 12:36, Reply)

Probably me
I think i may have been a housemate from hell myself...

A few years ago I shared a house with a (then)mate of mine, and was a bit of a drunken bastard for most of the time I lived there, with incidents including:

Getting back from a night on the lash, and thought it'd be a good idea to "feed" the garden strimmer a stack of old newspapers... In the living room. The entire ground floor of the house was covered with a 4 inch deep layer of shredded newspaper.

Had a bit of howsyerfather on the settee in the living room with a bird I'd pulled after a heavy session on the vodka. Had a bit of an accident and split a part of me that should never be split. Cue lots of blood on the couch, up the walls and on the tv as I ran around panicking, before jumping on the kitchen side to get it under the tap. Cleaned up all I could on the night, and finished it off when sober in the morning, but was still pretty disgusting.

And the pièce de résistance:

A few of us had been out on an all dayer, and me and me mate went back to ours, and he brought his girlfriend along too. We were all pretty wrecked but carried on drinking back at the house. After a couple more beers he was really hammered so went to bed, leaving me and his missus to carry on the festivities... As soon as he was though the door she was all over me, and being drunk I ran with it, and had a pretty fucking good session..! Now unfortunatly, he was too pissed to get back downstairs, or even off his back, but was awake and heard it all.... Felt like a right cunt the next morning!

Unsurprisingly, I didn't live their much longer......!
(strangeone456789, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 12:20, Reply)

i appear to be cursed when it comes to bad flatmates.
in my first year of uni, i was an outcast in my flat. i was the only one who'd been to state school and my flatmates were shocked that i could even get into university.

my 2nd year was dominated by my flatmate stealing hundreds of pounds from the rest of us. we called the police on that bitch.

now in my 3rd year.... i moved back into halls. in that flat was a crazy girl from ghana called anita. she got it into her head that we were going to be racist towards her. this was after not having spoken a single word to most of us. she wrote us a note telling us to treat her in a respectful manner. we were offended. so she started going a little crazy and leaving weird notes for us. one said "BE UP 4 THE MOON!! I DNT GIVE A FUCK!!" another said "AM NOT INTIMIDATED BY SMALL MINDS!! NEVER" she used to shlep around the flat muttering obscenities under her breath about us.
she also used to cook this stuff called fufu. which is a bit like powdered mash or something. she used a massive stick to make it which we thought she might use to bludgen us to death with. she would wash her dishes with washing powder.. for the washing machine.
she once tried to roast a chicken in the grill. it was so big that it was touching the elements and there was black smoke billowing out.
she used to play her Anastacia CD at 8am at full volume.
she would turn off the freezer so everything would defrost.
one night she rearranged the kitchen. by rearrange i mean that she took everything out of the cupboards and put them in strange places around the room. eg, there was a wok and a saucepan on top of the TV.
this is just a short list of the crazy things she did. we got her evicted. the hall manager was scared of her and so chucked her out.

length? if you'd lived with her, you'd understand!
(jeaneye, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 12:03, Reply)

The shower run
I used to live in a Christian halls of residence in uni cos it was cheap.

For some reason the Korean boys would insist on running stark bollock naked down the corridors to the shower.

All you'd hear is
*Slam* Thud, thud, thud, thud *slam*

As they tried to run without anyone seeing their willies. Why not just wear a dressing gown boys?!
(Medibot, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 11:56, Reply)

The last laugh
TV £129
Toaster £15
Kettle £10
Coffee table £20
The look on your bastard flatmates faces when they realise you're taking all of this stuff with you when you leave?
Priceless
(mmm....beer, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 11:53, Reply)

i live alone...
but i hate my self..
does that count?

i burn the toast, i never do the washing, i am shite conversation, i always get in the way when i bring a girl back.
it is just embarrassing..
( Dr Scunner She’s a he, technically, but she’s scalding hot, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 11:08, Reply)

oh lovely, a ranting forum
The place is tiny. Two bedrooms, one of them a coverted something-else room, slightly larger than a closet. Really should be a small one person apartment; it's stretching it to have it house two, but that's what the building code allows. The rent is fairly high. I agreed to it because, well, the location is amazing, and it's hard to find a good location that is (barely) affordable around here.

Me and one other female roommate. I figured it wouldn't be too bad. Agreed to it over the summer, went home, came back when school started.

Turns out new roomie had gone and got herself a boyfriend over the summer. Lovely! Good for her! Nice guy too. Uh oh; boyfriend lives at home and commutes because he can't afford to live near/on campus. I understand, it's pricey, if you can't afford it it's a shitty situation.

Can boyfriend stay over a couple nights a week? I get the pickle he's in, I'm nominally a nice person. I say sure.

A couple nights a week turns into most weeknights... he's showering over here... his stuff starts to move into her room.... suddenly he's living here, full-time, all the time.

At this point it's too late to say anything, and if I suggested that it had become onerous, legit roomie would go into a depressive funk and "start thinking about suicide far too often... *dramatic pause*... again". I don't want to go down that road. I just want to make it out of the year by now.

This would be annoying in a big apartment. It is almost intolerably close in such a small space.

Plus... I understand that it's rough not affording housing here, but honestly? Because he's not chipping in for ANYTHING, I am effectively paying half for him to live here, use the water, electricty, cable internet and TV. He's not MY boyfriend. I sure would like it if some random chick would pay MY rent and bills so I could live on campus! Why hasn't that happened to me, eh?

Not that bad compared to most of you poor fuckers, but it pisses me off like anything and so I burden you with it as well.
( TheFelineAnarchist, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 8:26, Reply)

Got Milk?
As with most well-brought-up, middle class Southerners, my first flat share experience was in a halls of residence. Specifically, Sundial Court at the Guildhall School of Music and Drama. It was a pretty insane place - you'd hear violinists feverishly practising virtuosic concertos until 2 in the morning whilst ambulances pulled up outside to cart brass players off to have their stomachs pumped. Singers would return from a night out on the lash, stand in the middle of the courtyard and sing Dancing in the Moonlight in four-part harmony, to be greeted by instrumentalists leaning out of their windows in their pyjamas swearing and throwing things at them. God only knows what I was doing there - I was one of the sane ones, believe it or not.

Anyway, I was sharing a flat with four other instrumentalists. An English pianist called Dan and his French cellist girlfriend Fabienne, whom I once caught having sex on the kitchen table. A Ukranian bassoonist called Dragan, with a penchant for staying in his room all day playing The Flight of the Bumblebee (on the bassoon! Mental!) emerging only to make Pot Noodles. And a Bulgarian cellist called Sasha who didn't speak English, but seemed very nice.

Now, I'm not a tidy person. If you were to walk into my office you'd know which desk was mine - the one groaning under a ton of six-month-old press releases and mouldy tea mugs. What I'm trying to say is, when I tell you that my flatmates were the most filthy bunch of porcine cretins I have ever come across, that statement is not coming from some obsessively tidy girly girl. Our kitchen was a public health hazard. I was the only person who ever did any washing up, took the rubbish out or indeed took any steps whatsoever to render our communal living area inhabitable.

One day, I came back from a weekend away to discover that somebody had spilled some milk in the bottom of the fridge. It was starting to congeal. My first instinct was to clean it up, but then I thought, no. No, I am not going to clean up someone else's congealed milk. It was a decision I would live to regret.

A few days later, it had turned green. One had to hold one's breath when opening the fridge door. A couple of weeks after that, the entire kitchen reeked of it. As the end of term drew near, the entire flat smelled like death. The milk had turned a lurid green colour reminiscent of the manner in which radioactive substances are portrayed in comic strips. On the plus side, I got loads of work done because I was spending so much time in practice rooms and in the library just to escape the smell.

In the end, my mum cleaned the fridge when she came to visit. Thanks mum :)
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 7:03, Reply)

put on some pants at least, damn
i'm a senior at Ohio State University, and by far the worst roommate that i've had was a guy who became one of my roommates my freshman year. prior to spring break, one of my other roommates had decided that living in a 28'x20' area with three other guys was especially retarded, given that his parent's house was 20 minutes away from campus.

so, the people in charge of housing at OSU, in their infinite wisdom, decided to fill up the space with maybe the worst possible candidate for living in a cramped space with three other guys; when i came back to the dorm after spring break, i found him sitting indian-style (cross-legged) literally 10 inches from the tv screen, playing a PS2 game. i said hi and introduced myself, which elicits the response of "heyi'msam," and the fastest head-swivel i've seen to turn his attention back to the game.

"okay fine," i think, "he's a douche, but i guess it's not that big of a deal as long as he's quiet"

well, he was quiet, but that didn't make me right. before i get into some of the incredibly annoying shit he did, i should explain how he came to live in my room in the first place.

Ohio State operates on the quarter system. a normal academic year takes up three quarters: fall, winter, spring, each roughly 10 weeks long. sam had signed up for living in a dorm fall quarter, but also had apparently neglected to sign up for classes, instead preferring to use the dorm like an apartment. except he figures that because he's in the army reserve and is getting a paycheck, he can sit on his ass, not go to class, and just eat at Wendy's everyday. which he did. two weeks later, OSU finally wises up to what's going on and kicks him out, and then suspends him for winter quarter. spring quarter rolls around, he applies for a residence hall, and OSU puts him in the same damn place, but three doors down the hall. thanks guys.

so, there he is, sitting in his boxers and playing PS2. little did i know that that's the position he would be occupying for roughly 80% of the next 10 weeks. here's a short list of the various stuff he'd do:

-playing PS2 CONSTANTLY, and by which i mean waking up at 8:30 to play it until a 12:30 class, and then coming back from class at 2 or so to play it until 12:30 at night. i really, really wish i was exaggerating.

-using the computers of my roommates and i to go to various porn and wrestling sites, sometimes a combination of both.

-waiting till he was alone in the room and then turing off the air conditioning in fucking JUNE when it's 90 degrees in Columbus because he's "from north carolina and he can't deal with the cold"

-using an entire roll of toliet paper a week because of a chronic masturbation problem

-oh, this one was great. i mentioned that he was in the army reserves, which meant that he was supposed to go to drill every few weekends. since he never went, i got more than a few angry calls from sargents wondering WHERE THE FUCK IS PRIVATE SHITSTAIN IF YOU FIND HIM GET HIS ASS ON A BUS OR HE'S OUT

-eating nothing but Wendy's, and then unleashing fart after greasy fart without a care in the world

but by far the creepiest thing we ever saw him do was when me and the other two roommates decided to go out for some lunch, and came back to find him in his usual cross-legged position in front of the tv with the PS2 on. only this time, he wasn't playing the game, he was watching it intently.

see, what he had done was set his wrestling game to have the computer fight itself an a simulation with 4 characters going at it at once. so of course sam selected the four female charaters in the game, and had them wear the skimpiest suits possible.

if he hadn't been alone, in his boxers, and stroking his chin while carefully watching this like some kind of really pathetic super-villian, maybe i wouldn't have been so skeeved.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 6:56, Reply)

Fucking
Students.............

Christ, for every horror story I read about your hideous house mates, they probably have 10 about you, shit, you are all 18 and living away from mummy for the first time no wonder none of you know how to behave, wash yer under crackers or spell.









*Christ, I sound like Apeloverage - better have a lie down
(Speshal, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 6:33, Reply)

had a bit of a leeching asshole flatmate once....
one the house rules were that you supply your own food, toilet paper and other consumables. He would frequently "borrow" other peoples toilet paper.

Even though told repeatedly not to - kept using the landlady's computer as a stereo when playing pool/snooker - always left the volume up loud so when anyone else uses the PC it blasts the fuck out of them.

He didn't clean up after himself - landlady and her daughter (a real hottie!) were always cleaning up after him.

After his pushbike got stolen - he kept using another flatmate's bike without permission. I think the other flatmate gave up and let him keep it when the bike started to break up a bit. (my pushbike was always stored with a bike chain around the wheel so it was unrideable when I wasn't using it)

On one occasion he got drunk with a friend - his friend left after some stupid argument. So he decides to borrow the landlady's 4WD Ute WHILE DRUNK! to find his mate to continue the conversation. - The landlady was not happy about that. And almost kicked him out but now regretted giving him yet another "second chance"

On xmas day I felt like taking my pushbike for a ride - only to discover the back wheel was missing! (my bike lock was only around the front wheel and frame). Later I discover my back wheel had made it's way to the asshole's bike???

Not only that - around the same time period I had purchased a new computer - I come home from a night shift a bit early to find the asshole and his friend trying to use it to burn a music CD (I hadn't even got around to setting it up!).

At this point it meant war, so the night I kicked him off the computer I downloaded a tool to prevent him from loading the OS of the computer without the right password. I found it quite effective that I offered the solution to the landlady and her daughter - they were practically begging me to apply it.

Not long after locking down the computers - he made a goof of himself by asking the landlady's daughter why there was this "password" thing on the computer - she replied screaming at him "TO STOP FUCKWITS LIKE YOU FROM USING IT WITHOUT PERMISSION!!!" - only then he realises the gravity of the situation and goes red in the face from embarrasment.

When I discovered the bike wheel missing on Xmas day - I spent Xmas day reclaiming my bike whell and proceeding to dissassemble his bike down to the last bolt to shove in a box in the deepest corner of the basement.

How he ended up leaving the place was after we got another tennant in (the other guy left because he got sick of the asshole) because our new tennant was female he kind of went on a bit of a power trip and tried to intimidate the new girl.

At one stage the new girl and I plotted a bit of revenge on him (to make her feel better from the intimidation) so we did things like mix his CD collection covers (stevie wonder switched with marilyn manson for example). Reversed the cabling on his stereo speakers and other petty things.

We struggled to find a really effective way of getting back at him until I made the discovery of his stash of energy/muscle building drink formulas - I made an evil grin and said one word: LAXATIVE!!!!!!

The idea was so awesome that even the landlady joined in, we bought some laxative pills, crushed them down a mixed them into the formulas. We were afaid he wouldn't take 'em because the formulas where bright white colour and the laxative particles were brown. Sure enough the plan worked - he didn't know who did it even though we were all involved. We could tell he was suspecting me because of the revenge of the bike wheel and Computer lock.

He was too afraid to confront me, which I found amusing because the weedy little shrimp believed he was going to be the next big "soccer superstar" - some day after the bike incident after bribing his friend $20 to reassemble his bike he commented at me in passing for trashing his bike. I simply replied "shouldn't have done it in the first place!" - as hew was walking away he tried to act macho in front of his mate out of earshot. Unfortunately I heard his comment and came back to confront him - the little chickenshit was too afraid to repeat it in front of me.

His attitudes eventually got in the landlady's face one night, instead of feeling intimidated like the female flatmate the landlady told him to move out. By then no amount of brown-nosing could make her change her mind. The prick finally left.

An then there was much rejoicing!
(mudslinger lives in a house surrounded by pussy....... cats!, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 6:27, Reply)

She asked...
...to move into our gaff and sleep on the lounge floor for a couple of days while she house-hunted for a place of her own. Three months later she was still there, eating our food, sleeping until noon, staying awake until 4am with every fucking light on (and not chipping in for the electricity bill). She also used two fulls roll of toilet paper a day, leading us to think she was not tearing off strips but grabbing the whole roll and sponging down her copious, piss-sodden saddlebags with the fricken thing. Whenever we broached the subject of her moving on, she became hysterical, sobbing about having to live in the street, yadda yadda. The last straw was me coming home from the pub, admittedly slightly early, to find her giving mouth-love to a somewhat unclean black guy IN MY BED (this helped explain some of the stranger stains which had been sporadically appearing on my sheets). We gave her 48 hours to move on but not before Chris and I left her a farewell gift of our own DNA, neatly folded into her clean, pristine panties then slotted back into her suitcase. Never seen her again and never fucking want to.
(skittlez, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 6:20, Reply)

They were pretty fun most of the time.
Only girl of 5 in a three room apartment. So many stories to tell. The guys liked me because I was laid-back, quiet, unassuming. And I put up with their grotty lifestyles. Just one of the guys, really.

I didn't even mind the mornings we'd find our pale bony emo housemate, after a night of binge drinking, passed out in the bathroom doorway with his pants around his ankles. It was great blackmail material.

Dishes often sat for weeks on end until there was nothing left to use and/or maggots appeared in the sink. No one wanted to claim washing up duty; each claiming they had barely contributed. I undertook the task several times, as did one of the guys. The others avoided it altogether. Now I know why I still live like a bachelor.

I had a nearly full-time job along with a full semester at uni, the rest had a few hours a week added to their paltry class schedules. On the night before Homecoming (a big excuse to bookend a bit of football watching with drinking from dawn til dawn here in the States) my housemates were drinking heavily and blaring music at inconceivable volumes. Being the only one who had to work at all the next day (early in the am, no less), I decided to be nice and tolerate it until about 3. But then the shouting started.

I leaped out of bed to find out what the matter was. There was Andy standing in the kitchen drunkenly screaming about how his life was falling apart because of some family problems that really weren't related to him at all. Then he broke the dishes. All of them. They were all sat on the table, dirty, waiting to be washed. He swept the lot of them onto the floor in one violent sweep of the arm, cutting himself pretty badly in the process. I don't remember the next part myself, but apparently calm quiet me flew right into his face and stood nose-to-nose with him, reaming him out at unholy volumes about how we all had our problems and he should loving deal with them and not fucking wake me up at 3 in the goddamned morning when I had to work, and especially not break every cunting dish we owned like a child having a tantrum. Or something like that. Whatever it was, it reduced him to a blubbering mass, and he held onto another housemate weeping "did you see her face?"

Cue several hours of us all trying to keep him from killing himself/driving back to his hometown in his exceedingly drunken state/doing anything else remotely stupid until he finally passed out.

At least the experience caused him to sort his fucking life out.

The other dishwasher later remarked, as we picked up broken glass: "at least we don't have to wash dishes now."

Apologies for length, and for the bits of broken glass you'll be stepping on for the next 3 months.
( coccyx approves this message, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 4:46, Reply)

me and them
Them again - shared a flat in glasgow and one of the flatmates was pretty irritating.

He claimed to have all sorts of food allergies but still stole our food whenever he felt like it. He even once removed a lasagne that was cooking in the oven whilst the other flatmate had nipped out to the shops and had it on a plate and was just covering it in pepper when he got back and caught him. Apparently he was just getting it ready for him. Bullshit.

He used to regularly wake me up by kicking open my bedroom door and then just stand there glowering at me and then ask some inane question. Twice this happened when I was in mid-wank.

He never had any money so I bought him pints in the pub all the time. He didn't see this as a favour because he was planning to pay me back so didn't thank me at all. Same with fags - he just used to demand one from me. Then when he did get some money he went and bought me a six pack from the shop and figured that was us settled despite the fact that a six pack from the off licence costs about the same as two pints from the pub and I'd bought him in excessive of ten. I set him straight on that one.

To be fair though he's a decent guy and we still get on alright now we don't live together. So a good mate but a housemate from hell.
(BIV was recently envatted., Sat 7 Apr 2007, 3:31, Reply)

me and them
Them - shared a flat in edinburgh with a lovely spanish girl and a bit of a twat called Jazz. I was working full time 9-5 and he was a student getting all his bills and food paid for by his folks. He wasn't really going to college much and spent all his time going out clubbing to fairly shitty clubs. At least twice a week, sometimes more, he'd bring back half the club to his room (week nights mind) and they'd proceed to take shitloads of ghb, watch porn and play ridiculously loud, ridiculously shit gay house until the next day. I was late for work a lot as a result. Worse still was waking up to find some random girl wandering around my room looking fucked. I asked her what the hell she wanted and she slowly explained she was looking for some silver foil. I kicked her out with the foil from a fag packet and barricaded the door - which I did every night from then on.

Oh and Jazz used to steal my cheese from out the fridge and eat most of the block slice by slice as a snack and then put the last little bit back.

Plus he never washed up ever and played kylie songs at loud volume throughout the day.

His room was always immaculate but he never tidied the rest of the flat - instead he would take the rubbish from his room and dump it outside in the hall. Twat.
(BIV was recently envatted., Sat 7 Apr 2007, 3:19, Reply)

me and them
Me again - I also shared a flat with a Slovakian couple in australia for a while. The girl Marina had ridiculously high standards of cleanliness and I well, don't. I shared a room in the flat with my brother cos we were skint and one night he got lucky and brought this lass back. We'd been out drinking and I'd gone to the bar and come back to see them sucking face so I left them to it. I bumped into a mate so went off drinking with him to another bar, stole some champagne, got 'maggot' as the ausssies say and then walked down manly beach front stopping at every other bench to throw up. When I eventually got home I saw that there was two sets of shoes and coats outside our room so went and crashed on the sofa in the kitchen/living room. I was woken up about 8am with a raging hangover and Marina screaming in my face

"Every day I clean the flat all over and now the whole place stinks because of you!"

Fair enough really - I was covered in my own dried vomit and I did stink. I'm pretty sure Marina thought I was from hell.
(BIV was recently envatted., Sat 7 Apr 2007, 3:17, Reply)

me and them
Well I've been a housmate from hell and I've also shared with a couple of them.

Me - second year at Uni, lost the plot for a while which ended up with me being put up by the NHS for a few weeks on a psychiatric ward. For a good 6 months before this had meant some fairly odd behaviour from me. Nothing too serious but there was a constant atmosphere of unspoken tension and weirdness for months on end punctuated by me coming out with claims about the tv watching me and the voices in my head. I basically sat in the living room all day twitching when people said certain things on telly and when I spoke to my flatmates everything had a mental double meaning and I took everything they said as having a double meaning too. I managed to keep things relatively under control until I moved out but looking back it must have been really very unpleasant and tiring to live with.
(BIV was recently envatted., Sat 7 Apr 2007, 3:16, Reply)

Oh Big Sam
Used to live with two guys, Little Sam and Big Sam. Little Sam was quiet, tidy and non-confrontational. Big Sam was loud, 'crazy' and liked the drugs.

Anyway, one particular week I'd had a bad cold and the bin in my room was full of snotty tissues. After work one day I come home to find Big Sam looking suitably ashamed.

"I want to let you know I did something I'm not proud of," he said.

Alarm bells.

"I really needed a shit, and there was no toilet paper in the toilet. I checked the whole house and all I could find were the used tissues in your room."

Okay.

"I need to know. Was it snot or jizz? Because I wiped my arse with them."
(MrSnuggly, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 2:48, Reply)

idiot woman.. stupid face too
i was eager to move out of my parent's house..
one of my good mates was a bouncer from the club i worked at.. we used to get stoned every fuckin day, and play battlefield 1942..
anyway..
he started renting a house from some guy he worked for.. a nice 3 bedroom semi in a nice middle class area..
another woman lived there too, which was a mate of wife of the guy who owned the place.. she was like some fucked up hippy bitch.
i moved in.. i'd heard she was a jeb end.. but never realised how much until instances like her coming and knocking on my door while i was a girl, complaining that she had to be up in the morning, and it was too noisy.. also.. she washed 1 item of clothing at a time, and tried to chat up my mates.. and made an idiot of herself.
silly bitch

rant rant rant
(binarymilk Rossz csillag alatt született, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 2:18, Reply)

Not my housemate but
related to me by a university accquaintance, and definitely worth retelling:

This girl I knew a couple of years ago was retaking her freshers' year for the third time. In her first year, she shared uni accomodation with a residential advisor, an Italian girl. One night, the RA burst into everyone's bedrooms in the middle of the night and dragged them all out into the communal living area, bellowing about how this was the last straw.

"Someone 'as done a shit, in da shower!"

On inspection, it was indeed true. Someone had curled off a meaty chud in the basin. Cleaning supplies were fetched and the necessary cleaning up was done, the irate Tuscan screaming all the while.

"'oo 'as done zis? I demand to know 'oo 'as done ze shit, in da shower!"

But none came forward. Eventually she had to relent and sent them all back to their rooms, vowing that she would catch the culprit somehow. All remained quiet for a week. The atmosphere over lunch was frosty, to say the least. Showers were had in next door residences. Bleach was bought. Distrust was rife. Eventually, a house meeting was called and they waited with baited breath to see what the Roman sleuth had uncovered. They sat around the dining room table, the tension palpable. Suddenly, and without warning, the RA broke down in tears.

"It was I! It was I 'oo did ze shit in da shower!"

She moved out the next week.

There are 3 questions that need to be asked - firstly, why leave a nutty log in the shower in the first place? Secondly, if the action was unavoidable, and if it was the middle of the night, why not simply clear up said offending mudsnake and avoid the unneccesary confrontation? And finally, why admit to the crime, after so diligently putting up such a convincing front? I have lost my trust for Italians ever since hearing this story. Freaks.
(jabboy, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 2:00, Reply)

Oh how I have waited for this QOTW

So I had the misfortune of spending the last year of Uni living with not 1, but 2 of the worst housemates in the universe.

The first was as thick as a block of wood- we once managed to convince him that the Star Wars movies were actually a historical documentary- and everyone already knew that.
The reason he was a housemate from hell? Because of his stupidity- such things as trying to cook a tin of beans with a hammer (messy) leaving the oven on overnight so it could "warm up" and following the logic that if he hid the bills we wouldn't have to pay them- which as you can guess caused some problems.

But he wasn't half as bad as Mark (and we shall call him such- because he is a bugger)
Mark didn't wash
EVER
he slept in a pit of a room where you could not see the floor, nor the walls and the window was but a crack of light amidst the piles of dirty clothes, DJ equipment and moldy plates. The living room, dining room, toilet, hallways, kitchen and back yard were full of his crap- everything from CD cases to tents to power tools. He would blame everyone else for the mess and yell at them at the top of his lungs (Even at 3am before I had a job interview- which i then failed to get)
He has since gained a huge amount of weight and a senior position in the Student Union- so has also gained the nick-name of Jabba the Hutt

I myself may have a claim to have been the housemate from hell in retaliation to Jabba's actions because I spread a rumour around Uni that he had a Kid in his room for sexual pleasures. Cue him being incredibly embaressed and having to explain to a huge number of people that his girlfriend who looked 12 was actually 18. When he finally confronted me about this infront of a full bar of students over a PA system, I rather calmly explained that he was not a kiddy fiddler, but the kid in question that he had been having fun with was in fact of the goat variety.
Apparently he hasn't been able to show is face around Uni since :)

No worry about the length, its the sound similar to a baaaah you've got to watch out for
(bignutter, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 1:31, Reply)

One floor... 8 bedrooms
4 rooms on the east side of the floor, four on the west side... One toilet on each side. One day we noticed fella from the west side visiting our toilet on the East Side... Yes, instead of stinking out his own toilet, which was actually just outside of his bedroom door, he walked round and used ours.... To lay a cable which only that of a person who eats solid Indian food for 6 months can produce.
( beefandcheese, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 0:24, Reply)

Political Tendencies
The Palestinian. All he wanted in life was a loaded Uzi and fifteen minutes alone in an Israeli nursery.

The same guy maintained that an atomic detonation in a city wouldn't be such a big deal, since the explosion would be contained by all the tall buildings.

Creeped me out.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 0:16, Reply)

The girl you didn't want to move in.
It was December a few years back, and we'd had a couple of dud housemates that had to be booted out, and now we need someone else quicksmart, or the rent wouldn't get paid.

A girl arrives, dressed like she was in college, and announced she had a german sheperd, but he wasn't any trouble. Fine, we were desperate, being just before Christmas and all. She moved in, the dog stayed out the back, and things were fine for a couple of days.

I met her boyfriend and we went out for a drink, just the two of us. He turned out to be great fun, and we got completely rat-arsed, both ending up with a couple of slappers, neither of which was my new housemate. The next three days in a row we did more or less the same thing, and I'd return home, where the girl was none the wiser.

Prepare yourself, this is nasty.

I stumbled home one morning, and walked through the house to find the new housemate on the floor of the kitchen in a pool of blood and fluid, and she was in hysterics and a lot of pain. I picked her up and put her in a taxi and took her to hospital while she explained she'd recently had an abortion from an accident with this guy, and she knew something had gone wrong. At the hospital they took her in and loaded her up with antibiotics.

With nothing else to do to help, I returned home, to find the dog had gotten in and licked up the puddle in the kitchen.
(Dubiously Fragrant Mormon, Fri 6 Apr 2007, 22:40, Reply)

GBH, ABH, Nutter
I think I've posted about this guy before...

In my second year at Uni - an error in my 1st year meant that nearly noone got into halls at Hallam Uni....

I was in this house with 2 people who I didn't really know - They left in my 1st year and in my second year a guy appeared - didn't seem very student like at all.

That's because he wasn't. He was an ex-con - in for GBH, ABH and general beating up-ness.

He was in my house as the (idiot) landlady felt sorry for y'man's parents and put this nutter in with me, an impressionable 19 year old student, not long away from home.....

I used to go home most weekends as I was truly green... I came back one weekend and couldn't get into my room for some reason that I now forget - when I did, my TV had been nicked (but not my Technics HiFi (Go fig)) - he made some shit excuse about seeing the person responsible and all that and that I shouldnt call the police.

So I did. Straight away.

Long story short - my landlady had to get rid of him. His story was crap and blatantly fake - the idiot woman didn't get the key tho, so I changed the locks.

Anyway, a week or so later, I was in a club and saw him - he followed me to the loos and had me by my neck with the bouncers looking on, telling me to calm down - FFS!

He wanted money from me so I had to say that I'd meet him and pay up the next day - I was terrified. I told my mate Phil who said that he'd come with me and that I shouldn't pay up.

He didn't turn up tho - I told my Mum who made a formal complaint to the Uni. I almost dropped out of Uni as I was a bundle of nerves and ended up renting an attic room from a lecturer.

I saw him a month or so later, but my confidence was up and my mates were with me - they made us all leave (despite the good night) and we all chilled elsewhere.

That one incident fucked me up properly and took me about 2 years to get over - I didn't pursue a formal complaint to the Police, but I did finish Uni and now I'm a *succesful IT consultant.

I hope he's burning in Hell.

*When I say succesful, I obviously want you to gloss over my anger and postal-ness.

I'm not angry tonight, but sad (and drunk) - anger will manifest itself in my hangover tomorrow.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 6 Apr 2007, 22:30, Reply)

I had two of them, almost concurrently.
Both fucking mental as a fish.

Steve, the Irish engineering student was my first. He was off his frigging tree. My outstanding memory of him (aside from the immortal question 'So, is that an 'acoustic' guitar, then?') was when he kicked a hole in our Swedish flatmate's door, and then proceeded to question him about it all evening. 'What happened to your door, Keith?' 'Keith...what happened to your door?' 'What happened to your door, Keith?'

Keith, naturally, left shortly there after. He was replaced by Pierre, a 7-ft gangling French chef (this is a scummy ex-tenement flat in Paisley). He used to barricade himself in his room by putting his sofa across the (fixed, by this point) door so he could play Gran Fucking Tourismo all night at full volume. He had a lovely habit of bringing cheap potted meat back from his work and leaving it in the fridge until it gained fluff. And his snack of choice: Farmfoods Economy Burgers, microwaved for five minutes until yellow goo was dripping out, and sandwiched in between two slices of cheaparse white bread. I chose not to frequent his restaurant.

Thankfully, Steve left shortly after Pierre arrived - I don't think I could have coped with both of them at the same time...
( trumpet, Fri 6 Apr 2007, 22:29, Reply)