My Mates
People in their mid-30s (some of whom are probably reading this board) who use all the latest slang as if they are still 16 year olds and "hip" to the latest trends/slang.

Especially since when they really were 16, they were into The Scorpions and KISS.

Why do people who are old enough to know better need to pretend that they're teenagers when we all know that teenagers these days should all be sent to Brat Camp?
(Steve The Monkey, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:08, Reply)

"It's always in the last place you look"
People say that to you when you've found your car-keys or the TV remote or something. Of course it's in the last fucking place I looked. As if I would carry on looking for my wallet after I've found it. "Ohh, actually it was in the second last place I looked. I found it under the settee, but then I looked in the laundry basket just to make sure".
( mikeyyy, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:06, Reply)

People who laugh at a joke
and when asked to repeat it say "i didnt get all of it but it sounded funny" Are they just laughing along to be polite or are they just retarded? Why Laugh? If they didnt hear it they wouldn't know if it was a joke!
(Jenovaschild, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:05, Reply)

WTF
Students

People under the age of 25

The utter drivel some of you come out with
( M o D, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:03, Reply)

Why the clocks go forward and back...
...Never got that. Supposed to be for farmers or saving enery or something. Fuck knows. All I know is that for one day a year I get to drink for an hour longer in a club.

Also, it's good to see the b3ta people don't know why either...or they just don't know it's happened.
(Roy Horn, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:01, Reply)

Erm......
Perhaps I'm being stupid, but if I go to buy something and the person selling says, 'Great deal that is, cheap at half the price!' Now what I want to say is 'Of course it would be cheap at half the price but you are selling it at the full price so it not bloody cheap so what are you talking about'. Surely they should be saying 'Cheap at double the price', makes more sense surely. Or am I missing something?
(Kihap, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:01, Reply)

Kids, Kielty, Kill Me Now
1. Since when did kids start getting choices about everything? When I was a kid, you ate what you were given (unless you were lucky enough to be taken to the Golden Egg, and then you got to choose) - now it's all "What would you like? Yes, of course you can have more turkey twizzlers". And then parents wonder why their kids are all "Fuck off, bitch. I want a Big Mac, not a Bacon Doublecheeseburger". And the rest of us wonder why the Youth Of Today has turned out the way it has. Too much choice! Bring back National Service! Flogging's too good for 'em etc.

2. Why is Patrick Kielty still on my TV when he has no discernible talent?

3. Why are Frank Zappa and Johnny Cash dead and yet Westlife are still releasing singles?
(Steve The Monkey, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 16:00, Reply)

Close the gates !
Why oh why are we as a nation are continuing to let hoards of thieving, workshy, giro seeking "Asylum Seeking" my arse!, scumbags into the country. I just can't understand why the powers that be don't sub-contract the border controls out to the BNP; PROBLEM SOLVED !
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:56, Reply)

String Theory
'Nuff Said
(Big Cheese, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:54, Reply)

Grumpy Young Men
Emo kids- WHY? They look stupid, they act stupid, and they say stupid things, yet the number of emo kids on the internet seems to be increasing exponentially. I make a point of making fun of anyone I ever see online with an unnecessary x or underscore in their name. If you are an emo kid, please stop talking about it, and actually slit your wrists.

Ringtones- Why pay £500 for some stupid, beepy, 10 second sample of a song when you can just use a standard ring? The worst offenders are the crazy frog and sweety the chick. Who the Hell buys these?!?! (PS- The frog is the worst because it's stolen from the internet, but I'm sure you knew that already).

Ren and Stimpy- Never found it funny, just distasteful. Odd really, since I've never found any other kind of cartoon unpleasant. Something about this poorly drawn, non-sensical tripe just annoys me.

The Simpsons Cult- Yes, OK, we get it; the Simpsons is sometimes funny, but it's not *that* funny. People who cite it as the funniest cartoon of all time should really watch some Family Guy.

Children on the internet- The UN recently unveiled plans to attempt to control the content of the internet. If they go through with this, I think that everyone with an internet connection should also have a biometric scanner to prevent children under the age of 14 from posting on message boards. Nothing is more annoying than the "OMG d00ds, wtf is up wiv Gorj Bush???!?!?11" message that is typical of people from this age bracket.

Chav culture- "Ah, a group of people that are lazy, savage, and proud of their own ignorance. Let's celebrate them!" Worst of all are people like Jade Goody, because for every one of her there are a thousand good, talented people who will spend their lives unrecognised and unhappy.

Bandwagonning- Think of something original dammit!
(youthink, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:50, Reply)

What I don't get...
Why more people don't reference the Princess Bride more often. It's f****ng ace!

I wish I was the Spanish revenge dude from it.

I too don't have clue why fat people don't rectify their situation by eating less and running around more.

Andre the Giant wasn't fat, he was just big.
(Fully Goyle what?, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:50, Reply)

My friend's dad used to tell me the same joke, every time I saw him for years and years.
When he finished, he fell about laughing - at the joke itself AND at the bemused look on my face.

The joke:

Him: Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
me: I don't know..
Him: So he could watch TV
hahahahaha

Then... one night, years and years later, whilst staggering home drunk - not even thinking about the joke, the answer just arrived in my head.
I fell about laughing (on my own) - spilling my kebab on a parked car and nearly getting me a good kicking from some nearby louts (who probably considered me too insane to tackle).

Ahh. It makes me smile now.



What? You don't get it? Then I advise waiting about 8 years, then have 10 pints of over-priced lager and a large donner from the Whitley Bay Kebab King - it worked for me anyway.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:49, Reply)

old folk homes
im a bit confused as to why people express surprise when old mrs smith in the old folks home, or auld uncle sammy staying in the old folks shelter across the road died...Have I lost something here...Theres three things old people do...sponging off govt, play bingo and pop their clogs.
(i_walk_bing_crosbys_dog, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:45, Reply)

Fat People
Where do I begin, “rant mode activated”,.

I can’t stand really fat ignorant people. Like that biffer off Fat Club. I think they should be open to public ridicule at all times.

It’s my glands. NO IT’S NOT ITS LOTS OF FOOD.
I’m big boned. NO YOUR NOT YOUR’RE FAT.
It’s in my genes. NO IT’S NOT.
I don’t eat much. OH YES YOU DO.
All my family are big. YES THEY LIVE ON DEEP FRIED PIE SANDWICHES AS WELL.

You think they’d notice at some point:

They have trouble doing up there laces.
They have to buy their clothes from specialist shops.
The’re inners thighs chaffe when they walk.
Silly walk/waddle to allow for their moving centre of gravity.
They need a special toilet seat made just for them.
Their ankles overflow their shoes.
People openly stare.
They get stuck in the bath.
They break furniture.

Shops and restaurants should have vertical cattle grids or weighbridges with alarms. If I was too drunk in a pub they would stop serving me. Apply the same principle. Stop serving the biffers. Just give them a bucket of raw vegetables and tell them to come back in a week for some more.

“Can I have a big mac meal supersize please”

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough already madam.”

Fat people must be very stupid.

Unless they’re vampires, can’t they see their own reflection ?

Don't they know they will die early ?

Stop eating rubbish. Chocolate is not a food group, neither are deep fried pie sandwiches. Walk to the gym rather than driving to the chippy.

You’ll live longer. And I’ll stop staring and pointing.

You’ll even have a chance of wiping your bottom properly.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:41, Reply)

Genuine thing I never understood
I always knew that MOR meant Middle Of the Road as far as music was concerned... But I couldn't figure out what AOR meant. I was convinced it was something like All Over the Road.
( beefandcheese, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:38, Reply)

Fashionistas.
People who latch onto the latest craze, simply because its "cool" to do so. I wear those wristbands because I have a conscience and relatives who are victims/sufferers of cancer etc. , not because its cool.

IPods. From a design and tactile point of view, fantastic. Most people buy them becasue they're cool.

Von Dutch clothing. £70 or something ludicrous for a Trucker Hat (the "coolness" of Trucker Hats is something else that baffles me) just because of the fucking label. Granted, I wear brands too, so I suppose it's just the price of these clothes which I don't understand. How is it any different to a T-shirt made in a sweatshop?

The popularity of Jamie Oliver. I liked him once, before he became the face of Sainsbury's. True, he is doing a good job in forcing reform through for school dinners, but he is still an irritating mockney twat.

The more I write, the more it feels like Grumpy Old Men.
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:37, Reply)

Grange Hill
I've been at school all day, and frankly, I've had enough of it. What's on telly? More school!
( Andy_R At the third stroke, the time will be precisely, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:36, Reply)

The elderly (again)
I don't understand the way that elderly people gain a false-memory syndrome that makes them believe that they fought in the war, when they were only about 10 at the time. FFS! Even worse than that, there's the usual "Ooh the youth of today - we fought in the war for you.. no respect!" In my experience, the rudest, most selfish twunts around are often the elderly...
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:35, Reply)

Neurobiology
Not only do I not understand it, I also don’t understand how I’ve ended up as a professional neurobiologist, nor how nobody has ever busted me for being a fraud who knows nothing of neurobiology.

Does anyone else suspect that the guy who was going on about the new cars earlier is actually that bloke from the Princess Bride who says ‘inconceivable’ all the time?

Just me then
(Chockerman Checkingin, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:34, Reply)

I dont understand this QOTW
Is it something that puzzles you (oneself) or is it an opportunity to rant?

If its genuine puzzlement: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Its flummoxed me for a long time, must be the time of year...

Just don't get me started on a rant...

Oh, if I ever understand ONE woman, I will write a book on how I managed it.
(Tibbins, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:33, Reply)

Why do people with prams/pushchairs
think they have right of way?

I don't mind stepping out of the way but please don't ram your pram into my legs
( beefandcheese, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:32, Reply)

The elderly.
I don't understand how some elderly women, barge infront at the bus stop queue or other queuing place, and expect you not to mind! I fucking well do, thankyou very much. I get there early, and someone cuts infront. FFS.
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:29, Reply)

People
People who stand right in front of the doors of an ascending lift at Tufnell Park tube station and then act surprised when they have to leap out of the way as 30 or so commuters spill out en masse. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

NNNNGH!!!

What do they think, that it's some sort of magic capsule designed only to take them from station to platform???

Oh dear. I'm getting old, aren't I...
(oRb A Huge Ever Growing Pulsating Brain, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:25, Reply)

Likewise, Mr. Paradise
17 years of conservative government which included recession, 15% interest rates, pissing the North Sea oil revenues up the wall by keeping people out of work, killing industries and communities.

Oh. And sinking the Belgrano.
(Doctor Evil, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:21, Reply)

CID
For quite some time, I referred to the CID as though I knew what it meant. Alas, it turns out it doesn't mean 'Cops In Disguise' after all.
Shame really.
( thealternativefact, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:20, Reply)

Ooh!
And people who go to Shakespeare plays and know where the jokes are and make a point of laughing really loudly and looking about them every time just to show off. Spanners!

I can see there being rather a lot of angry responses this week.
(chocolatepossum, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:20, Reply)

Students who take texts to performances of Shakespeare plays!
Pointless,
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:13, Reply)

Funny People
someone who cracks a joke and then instantly believes they are the god of comedy and all things funny. e.g people who tell a joke in the office and - granted it will be funny - then spend the rest of the day saying it again or in different amusing voices or even worse tell anecdotes of how everyone laughed and said he/she was the funniest person that they had ever met - funny that I think they are fucking cunts
(multipac, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:09, Reply)

Hardcore European porn
Less WTF, more like HTF!
Come on, not going to get the missus to do that kind of shit on a Sunday morning!
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:08, Reply)

At the risk of sounding homophobic
I don't get why you see lesbian couples where one of them is really manish and has short hair, wears suits e.t.c and the other one is relatively feminine.

I can see what's in it for the manish one, but not the other one: surely the whole point of being a lesbian is fancying women and not men.

And also, does, say, Nadia from Big brother, imagine herself with a gay bloke or a straight bloke? Or either?

I guess gender/sexuality issues just confuse me.
(chocolatepossum, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 15:07, Reply)