I also
moan regularly about how I hate people moaning.

I've only just realised what is so horribly wrong with this.

Thank you b3ta for making me a better person (bet thats never been said before!)
(Tepee, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:27, Reply)

Getting from A to B...
If I am a pedestrian, then cars, busses and bikes make me angry.
If I am on a bike, then cars, busses and pedestrians make me angry.
If I am in a car, then pedestrians,busses and bikes make me angry.
If I am on a bus, then cars, pedestrians and bikes make me angry.

I can't travel anywhere without being an utter hypocrite
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:22, 8 replies)

Dare I say…

Asking for QotW suggestions, then ignoring them all and putting your own forward?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:22, 16 replies)

Hypocrisy
or how to be a drunk, selfish twat and not get laid.

In London town, many moons ago did I work and lo! twas a time of many changes for baz. I had

given up the marijuana and made a firm commitment to the alcohol. I was thinner then, brighter of

face, less-chinned and my vital organs didn't resemble a Damien Hirst installation as they may

well do now.

Prior to my arrival in London town, I was a lazy man; a role to which I have subsequently

returned but in London town I had become a hardworking man, bent on making something of myself.

The money was good and along with working hard in London town comes it's evil twin, 'playing

hard', which is much facilitated by having the money to do so.

So suffice it to say, I was generally pickled to begin with of an evening and as a result managed

to get nice and lubricated quite quickly as the evening drew in and continue to do so for some

considerable time.

The Irish brogue didnt do me any harm in the lady-meeting stakes over there and thus was I due to

join a lovely young lady at a gig in Brick Lane.

Turin Brakes were playing before they were profitable or popular (neither of which they are now I

would wager).

I arrived, paid the ladies entry fee, held the door and the seat at a vacant table in what was

then a quiet bar and offered an aperitif, which she graciously accepted.

I finished my first aperitif and made to obtain another, offering the lovely young lady likewise

in the process.

She declined.

"Slow drinker", thought I, "Nice one - might be saved a few quid"

And so the evening carried on...

And the crowd grew and grew closer and the lovely young lady suggested we vacate our table and

move towards the stage.

I concurred.

I was three or four drinks to the good at this stage to the lovely young ladys one. She didnt even want water.

"Weird", thought I but not too much about it.

As the show gathered momentum and smiles and furtive touches of the hand with the lovely young

lady took place in the increasingly warm and heaving crowd, I was making my way back and forth to

her as I fetched myself more drinks and her further declinations - I was thinking things were

going well.

The last time I had returned from the bar, my patience with people not moving out of my way and

spilling my drink was wearing thin. I briefly adopted the policy of my persecutors and barged on

through a group who had formed one of those cirlces in a crowd like an air pocket in a lava lamp.

Nature and baz abhor a vacuum so I just headed on through much to their chagrin and as I reached

the lovely young ladys' side, she by quite delightful coincidence verbally confirmed my suspicion

that there really were quite a lot of people just barging on through the crowd.

I said, "I know it's unbelievable how rude people are!"

We definitely shared a moment.

Unfortunately, the vacuum I had previously abhorred had been sucked into my slipstream and the two young ones whose chagrin I had agitated prior had been deposited as if through a black hole immediately behind the lovely young lady and me.

They heard every word.

They felt they should share my hypocrisy with the lovely young lady.

Baz didnt get laid that night.

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:19, 5 replies)

Occassionaly
parking in the disabled spaces.

Then scowling at other folk who do the same thing.




I usually wank myself to within an inch of my life for such bilious hypocrisies though, so not all bad.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:11, Reply)

I'm hullbound
for being a very, very strident atheist and then yelling "Christ!" at the point of orgasm.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:11, 9 replies)

placeholder
bum
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:11, Reply)

Pretending to be on QOTW,
when really you're a /talk troll.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:06, 8 replies)

Talking Dirty..
When a Man talks dirty?
Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit.

When a Woman talks dirty?
£2.50 per minute.

Scandalous.
(Lythium deals in lead, my friend., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:05, 1 reply)

I have a bit of a confession to make...

Like many of you delicious folk, I am a full on, hip-thrusting internet thief. I have downloaded thousands of DVDs, games, and albums*.

More importantly, I don’t think I own a single legitimate piece of software. ‘Knock off Nigel’ should actually be renamed ‘Professional Pirate Pooflake’

Yet every weekday morning I get up, watch a bit of (stolen) cable TV then drive to my job.

As an IT Licence Manager for a multi-national company…where I spend all day** hunting down fake installs and lecturing people on the perils of piracy, its effect on business and impact to the humble consumer.

Sometimes I don’t know how I sleep at night.***

*Obviously porn too, it goes without saying :)

**Total lie – I’m lucky if I put in an hour a week.

***I do know really…Alcohol. Mmm.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:04, 11 replies)

Toilets
My wife is constantly telling me not to leave the toilet seat up when she wants to use it.

But every time I go in there for a piss she's left the seat down - sometimes with the lid down too.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:03, 31 replies)

All other drivers are cunts.
My driving is beyond reproach.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:01, 3 replies)

Heard it so many times one way or the other...
"{Mr X} is such a {insert rude word here}, he's always insulting people behind their backs"

Heard it just now- perfect timing!
(Tepee, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:55, 1 reply)

good old Viz
reminds me of one of the greatest letters ever to the Viz

"I was walking along with my son in the park, when he fell over over and said 'oh bums'. 'Honestly' said a passing elderly gentleman 'bad language is the result of a limited vocabulary'

My son is four, what vocabulary does he have! Silly old cunt"
(Darth Vodka, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:51, 1 reply)

Flubber
No matter how much weight I put on I'm still going to keep telling people that that girl works for the zoo.
As a walrus.


Irrelevant defence: she's, like, 5 stone heavier than me
Relevant defence: Although her physical appearance is the easiest of her attributes to criticise, my dislike of the individual stems more from flaws of character than any matter of aesthetics. To wit: she is a cunt.
(teebie jeebie, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:46, Reply)

I have absolutely nothing to say on this QotW...

So I'm not going to post anything.

*thinks*

Oh, hold on, this is kind of a post isn't it?

Does that make me a hipocrit?

Yay! - On topic!

my head hurts now.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:42, 3 replies)

Politics
Hey in this great country of ours: we are raised to have double standards. Where would we be without the "great and the good" lecturing us about how to live our lives: then suddenly we are reading in the paper about how Lord Whatisname or some other politico has been caught with their snout in the trough or in some poor unfortunate's crotch!
Makes you proud to be British!
(sniffs, and dries a tear from his eyes!)
edit: "fucksocks; I thought I would be first!"
(The Yongy Bongy Bo brought to you in glorious monochrome, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:40, Reply)

Work evaluations
I had the 'pleasure' of my yearly work evaluation the other day.

I don't like to blow my own trumpet (well I would if I could reach) but I've worked really hard and put in much more than my lowly grade requires.

So what do I get told?
- Not a key member of my team (I'm in a team of two, if I'm not key there the other person must work miracles)
- Unhelpful to others (I have been recommended several times this year for 'going the extra mile')
- Lack of professionalism in the office.

All made up and based on me having a spat with the appraiser a few weeks ago for which she hadn't forgiven me. The double standards:

- She has no knowledge of what either myself or team mate do as she's never worked with the internet, yet manages two people who's sole focus is running the company site and systems. She's less key and more of a lock.
- She is so massively disliked by everyone else that they deliberately book meetings for days when she isn't in the London (4/5 a week) so they don't have to put up with her aggressive behaviour.
- It's true that I'm not as professional in the office as I could be. But what makes this even funnier is that after complaining about my unfair appraisal she now refuses to talk to me, blanks me in the office and sends 1 line emails whenever she wants anything. If thats not unprofessional I don't know what is.

I hate my job, if anyone wants an ace online marketeer in the southampton region please pay me to come work for you. Failing that if anyone wants to be paid to kill this annoying bearded woman (please shave it off) get in touch too.

Length - about an inch of whispy down across the whole chin.
(Wooden meal is. Or is he?, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:40, 1 reply)

You must all have democracy, or we'll invade you
whilst rigging your own elections.

Yes, I'm looking at you George W Bush.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:38, 3 replies)

woo first page
aha

"i've told you once I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:37, 3 replies)

Do as I say, not as I do
Probably the moment where I was giving my friend advice on her severely messy relationship, telling her exactly how she could move her life forward without the useless fecker who was treating her so badly, when at the time I was with someone who had left the website address for a local escort girl scrawled on an envelope on the table while I was tidying it in order to serve up his dinner.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:35, 15 replies)

We currently have a lecturer
Who will come to lectures late, not have any resources, not put information on the website, not prepare his lectures, and obviously never looks at his examples beforehand.

And he yells at us for not studying. -_-
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:33, 1 reply)

Working colleagues
Oh, but Helo we have to ensure that everything we do is for the safety of the young people. We shouldn't be showing anything of a sexual nature at our (18+) youth group!

Oh, on the other hand I want to invite someone who threated to kill everyone with a (fake) gun and then force the police to shoot him because he wants attention.

Oh yes, nothing hypocritical about that. We can't show them anything sexual which may trouble them, but naturally we can introduce an element which has a history of violence and causing trouble.

/wrists
(Helo, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:33, 2 replies)

African water-dwelling mammal stuck up a tree
While another is held at knifepoint.

Hippo-crises.

Yeah, fuck you too.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:27, 9 replies)

i hate people who get all exicited about new questions then have nothing to say
fifth

Oh yes and don't waste your time fucking about on the internet kids , it's bad for you
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:27, Reply)

My mum
She used to say to me all the time "Don't come running to me when you fall off that wall and break your leg"
( Mrs Sp@m, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:26, 3 replies)

I hate people who answer "first or second"
THIRD though.

That's fine :)
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:25, Reply)

Second!
Oh yes. My week is complete.

Blue ticket abuse.

About once a fortnight or so I get a “pink ticket” from wifey and I am graciously allowed, albeit briefly, to amble down to the local and meet up with a couple of mates for a couple of pints for a couple of hours. I cherish these small windows of freedom as we have a four year old boy with textbook behavioural issues and ten week old twin boys at home, so when all’s said and done it’s good of her to release me occasionally from the seemingly never ending trauma of feeding/changing babies and cajoling their older brother to his bedroom, etc, etc. I never take the piss and arrive home in plenty of time to help her with the next feed as promised, as I’m bright enough to work out that if I carry on doing that I’ll continue to win more pink tickets. It’s not rocket science, and she’d hit the fucking roof if I was even ten minutes later than I’d promised.
A few weeks back when I was pleading for Guinness emancipation wifey got a bit of a face on and said something along the lines of “us girls never get to go out!” The girls in question happen to be the wives of the two mates I go drinking with. So I respond; “why don’t you arrange it with the girls for Friday then and us blokes can look after the kids” (they’ve got ankle biters at home too). It honestly hadn’t occurred to either of the three girls to arrange this before. It seemed that they’d rather play the martyrs whenever the three of us arranged to meet up.
So after about 400 text messages between them over about four days the ladies finally managed to agree on meeting up at 8pm Friday night. After the make up lorries had left our respective better halves tottered down to the pub, no doubt texting each other frantically all the way to see if the other two were there yet. Mine was due back at around 9pm to help me feed the twins. It didn’t give her long at the pub, but she’d assured me she’d be back to help out. Alarm bells started to ring when at 8.55 I had a text from one of the other girls: “hi, could we keep your lovely wife out for one more drink, she really needs the break”. “No worries” – I reply – “I can feed one boy after the other - hope she enjoys it”. Half an hour later a slightly slurry Missus calls to say she’s having a great time and is it ok if she’s back in half an hour? “No problem love, glad you’re enjoying the break”. To cut a long story short, my pissed up mess of a spouse rolls in at midnight, waking up all three kids in the process.
Now if I’d done that……

Honestly. Women. You give ‘em an inch….
( BobbyParadise, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:24, 8 replies)

first
yay

Hmmm, hypocrisy.

I don't mean to be awful, but... aren't you being a bit bitchy? :)

Pot, kettle, darker shade of noir?

My chain smoking mum on finding out I had the odd puff waiting at the school bus stop and grounding me - for my own good. I did used to nick her fags though.
( no longer a user, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 12:23, Reply)