My eldest sister
is a teacher. She's also just barely young enough to have missed the Summer Of Love and all the rest of the seminal hippie events, but she completely identifies with that group. She's blindingly intelligent, has an acid tongue when she's pissed off and has the brains to back it up. Politically correct to the nth degree, she'll jump down the throat of anyone she hears utter anything even vaguely racist, sexist or any other ist. Needless to say, I was on the receiving end of that a lot as I grew up.

Fortunately I'm a good learner.

Recently she was discussing how her students are typically inner city black teenage girls, some of whom are exceptionally smart and are aiming for higher education and professions. Her advice to them? "Don't let any guys sweet talk you into sex. Boys are dumb, just remember that- they all think with their penises."

"That's a remarkably sexist thing to say," I commented.

"No it isn't, it's true! Boys think about nothing but sex!"

"And girls think about nothing but clothing and makeup and get thoroughly irrational every twenty-eight days."

Much snarkiness ensued.

One of my sons was dating a girl with rather deep religious convictions- at least she did superficially. A good Southern Baptist girl who attended church all the time and said the appropriate words, but it clearly never really sunk into her what Christianity is all about. My sister referred to her as "that little Baptist girl" in a somewhat disparaging way.

One day the subject came up of how a study was done that showed that praying over someone in the hospital was more likely to result in the patient dying than if no prayers were uttered at all. My sister's observation (which I agree with) was that if you're being prayed over, your condition must be serious- and therefore you're more likely to give up.

"I can see that," I commented. "Imagine being in the Middle East and waking up to-" and I let out a wild ululation.

She glared at me coldly. "You know, we suspended a student not long ago for making fun of the way Muslims pray."

"Really? But it's okay to mock Baptists and Catholics?"

More snarkiness ensued.

And this is why, dear readers, the Resident Loon has such a politically incorrect sense of humor.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 17:56, 12 replies)

TheManWhoWasABitOfACunt
When I was in high school (that's age 14 or so to 18 or so for you Yurpeans) I dated a girl for about three and a half years. I was the jealous sort, as she was quite a pretty girl (although not too bright) and she'd never quite catch on that she was being hit on by, well, just about everyone I thought.

Now, after a year or two in, I got more and more jealous. Every "close guy friend" was trying to sleep with her, every stranger she met was trying to hit on her, even her gay guy friends were trying to cop a feel. I'd read her emails, her texts, her IMs, I'd find out where she was and who she was with, and every time she didn't pick up the phone when she said she would she was obviously being humped in a bathroom stall by a complete stranger. Turns out, three months after we broke up I found out that she had in fact slept with one of her "close guy friends" (who was an all-around twunt) a few times while we had been together, justifying in my eyes all the years of anger, hurt and jealousy I had felt towards her.

The hypocrisy? You guessed it. I had cheated on her several times throughout the three and a half years with little to no thought of remorse, only acting apologetic when I had been caught.

A few years later, my then-current girlfriend used the fact that I had cheated in the past to use as emotional blackmail, keeping me constantly on my toes, always having to prove my fidelity, losing touch with most of my good female friends in the process. I had changed, I was good, I was faithful, but nothing I could do could prove my innocence (once a cheater always a cheater) and I was miserable for it.

The punchline? She cheated on me. Twice.

Got what I had coming to me, I think.
(TheManWhoWas SlightlyKnackered, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 17:46, 2 replies)

Simon Weston
Didn't give a fuck about disfigured people when you were happily blowing up Argies, did you?

But then you get your face burnt off and suddenly you're patron of 'The Healing Trust'...


(Which way is Hull?)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 17:30, 15 replies)

mobile masts and stupid cnuts
Regularly there will be some complaint from a bunch of uneducated inbreds who don't want a mobile phone mast near them, even had some in the paper who tried to take down a mast that was going up at the end of their street and steel the digger laying the foundations.


When will they understand the concept of supply and demand, if you don't want a mast or to complain about getting less than a full signal, STOP USING YOUR FUCKING PHONES, they all walk or drive round with one glued to your ear sending invisible mind worms in to try and eat that remaning braincell.
(bluehamster, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 17:30, 5 replies)

This reminds me
of a programme I watched ages ago that was some sort of wife/family swap affair. It must have been a pretty dull night as I normally don't watch those types of programmes but anywho.

One of the families was a very bohemian, lived in a caravan, home schooled kids, eco-twits; and the Dad was a jumped up twat who was in danger of talking all the bullshit out of his body.

Now I don't really like hippy bashing as I don't eat meat and have a few ethical ideals, but I can't stand PETA loving know-it alls who enforce their views on other people. Thats not my bag baby.

Anyway this straggly goon totally berated the switched wife because she had the audacity to spray his caravan with air freshner.
"You don't know about the deadly chemicals that cause long term diseases blah blah blah how dare you poison my kids with your evil toxins" etc etc.

Of course he was giving her this long winded speach about how she was practically murdering his children with Oust whilst he was holding little Moonunit in one hand...and a fag in the other.

Now pardon my ignorance but I would have thought that breathing cigarette fumes over your baby is slightly more harmful and toxic than the odd spritz of air freshner? I could be wrong though.

Note: I don't have a problem with smokers at all but I hate it when they inflict it on people who don't have a choice.

What a knob.
(Eldoofus, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 17:01, 4 replies)

Whats with....
Vegetarians who eat fish.

Cunts x infinity plus 1

Mullered
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 17:00, 20 replies)

I'm pretty blunt. And generally say some fairly rude offensive stuff to peoples faces
then defend myself with "at least i'm a 100% honest person - I say it to your face rather than behind your back, I hate people who don't have the balls to say what they think of people to their faces."

I also slag them off and bitch about them behind their backs with more bile and vindictiveness*.

I'm a liar and a hyprocrite

*not a word. fuck off though.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:56, 3 replies)

My friend Michelle is a strange girl
She knows most of the, for lack of a better word, local dickheads, and can often be found complaining about some idiot who keeps sending her badly written texts.

However, when we point out that she can avoid this by a) not giving them her number in the first place, and b) not replying to them, she tends to go into a sulky silence.

Last weekend we were enjoying a night down the pub when a feller who few of us are especially fond of walked in and sat down. Amidst the grumbling of "Oh god, it's Tony" Michelle turns to me and groans "Why did I invite him down here?"

Good question. Knowing that most people, yourself included, dislike someone, why would you invite them out? The mind boggles, it really does.
(Uncle Comrade, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:49, 2 replies)

Feminists.
Who can't take a punch.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:49, Reply)

Women, or more specifically my wife, driving
Whenever I'm driving the car and the family are with me the missus has to sit in the back of the car like Miss Daisy...not for the luxury but out of fear of my "bad" driving. A few years ago I was driving down a road away from my nephew's birthday party (5th or 6th) and was cut up by a Volvo which decided to slam on in front of me after setting off a speed camera. Ever since that accident the strife has been terrified of me driving (even though I've never come close to any accident on the road since). If I glance too long into a mirror I'm met with "WATCHTHEROADFUCKJECCY!!!YOUREABADDRIVER!", if I don't indicate early she'll lean over and flick the indicator on, seriously, she's a fucking nightmare.

So more often or not, as I drive the car most days to work, she will drive about instead of me. I'll sit quietly in the car, or keeping me 23 month old daughter amused in the back (in a non-arrestable way) and the missus will be driving at 25 mph, totally aware of anyone who drives past on a mobile, or eating, or just generally being there on the road driving as normal. If anyone does something odd on the road she will just stop the car. This could be soneone doing 31 mph behind her and driving a bit close, someone parking near her, someone speeding on the other side of the road etc etc. Anything slightly complex is greeted with the "Just to be safe, I'll park up". If the road has multiple lanes and another car is in the lane near us, she'll either hop lanes to get either away from or behind the other vehicle, even if this means we're now driving in completely the wrong direction. If we had GPRS it would need to have a swear filter installed just to stop it swearing at her sense of "safety over direction". And as for safety is concerned, she will do all of the above while constantly adjusting all the air conditioning every 2 minutes or fucking about with the radio.

It's a wonder we make it anywhere, let alone survinging the ordeal. I'm tempted to do a "Misery" on her with a sledge, just so she can't press the pedals.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:49, 4 replies)

Click!
I’m quite the hypocrite.

I often ‘Reply’ to posts, telling people I like their story and maybe I’ll leave the comment ‘arf, have a click!’

Where as the reality is, I never bother clicking ‘I like this’ on any posts.

Look, you can’t fault my honesty.

Mullered
(Who is having a big needle stuck in his nads tomorrow, following several delays in the procedure)
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:47, 2 replies)

All people who generalise
are wankers.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:44, 4 replies)

pornographic performer Devyn Devine
has made no attempt whatsoever to even contact me, despite claiming to be hot for, and want it from, myself. There is no chance of a misunderstanding on my part, as statements to this effect have occured in several of my wank fantasies. Frankly I'm beginning to think she might deserve a spanking.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:19, 3 replies)

Newspapers
The Mirror* newspaper

The day after the Brit Awards some years back…

‘Evil Jarvis Cocker, with his wicked behaviour at the Brits, he should be shot – we appeal to our millions or reader to boycott all of his music (not that we know what his music sounds like) because he had the audacity to wiggle his arse about when Michael Jackson was trying to be God’


The day after the day after the Brit Awards – and in line with the rest of the country ‘Free Jarvis! Send £9.99 and get your Free Jarvis t-shirt (the £9.99 is to cover administration fees), or buy his music or do something, we completely misjudged public opinion on this and are now completely changing our opinion, not that the average Mirror reader will notice’


There was also that time the Daily Star had on page 6 ‘all kiddy fiddlers should be punched in the face with an anvil’ and on page 7, directly opposite ’15 year old Charlotte Church wins Rear-of-the-Year!’ Look at this picture of her ass!


*To be fair, The Mirror were the first newspaper to kick off a ‘Free Deirdre Rashid campaign when Ken Barlow’s wife/ex-wife/mistress of Mike Baldwin/Wife/ex-wife/wife/ex-wife turned Shirley Valentine/wife got her self banged up following that relationship with the phoney pilot.

Regards,

Mullered, the assessor of quality newspapers since 1991
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:11, 7 replies)

Those stereotypes I have of left-wingers.
I hate the way they act sort of like how they really act, but exaggerated to the point of caricature.

And the straw arguments they use to justify these actions are laughably self-interested and inconsistent.

That should render about 100 posts unnecessary (but every single one of them will be posted anyway).
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:04, 3 replies)

Feminists...
... who don't like the idea of masculinists.
(ralphseviltwin, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:02, 7 replies)

Miraclesister and the Gym
'Daaaaaaad, will you pick me up from the gym later?'

'Why don't you walk back?'

'Because I'll be tired after working out!'

'Why don't you finish 10 minutes earlier and walk back?'

'God, you never do anything for me. Can I have some money?'
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 16:01, 1 reply)

I call for/vote for/demand government funding...
...for things I have never donated to myself.

Virtually any issue has a related charity who I could give my own savings to, but really I want the taxman to take yours instead.

In other words, I don't really think it's something valuable and worthwhile, but I want people to think I think it's valuable.

And yet I still hate it when anyone does this on an issue I disagree with...

hypocrisy x hypocrisy = voted for Boris.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:59, Reply)

Bono.
He's not actually a hypocrite, but he is quite annoying isn't he?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:58, 16 replies)

I'm one of them vegematarians
What eats fake bacon and stuff.

But I'm apparently the easiest-going vegetarian ever. I don't mind other people eating meat in my house. I don't think anyone else should or shouldn't be a vegetarian. It's my choice, for me. If we go somewhere and the vegetarian options are limited, that's my problem, not yours. I'll be the one put out.

Still, I'm a massive hypocrite. 'Cos I have leather shoes.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:55, 11 replies)

Death and the tabloids
Take Jade Goody. Once portrayed as an evil racist bitch, now she's Brave Jade™ the new people's princess.

Same with Diana. One minute she's portrayed as a complete slag, then through death she's miraculously transformed into the people's princess, with her face splashed across thousands of limited edition commemorative plates hanging on walls of tabloid reader's homes across the country.

I'm not suggesting for a second that either of the above are/were evil and deserved to die, far from it, it just amuses me how the tabloids constantly contradict themselves in a vain attempt to shift more copies.

We're all guilty of it.. every local has a bigoted old cunt sitting in the corner. The moment he pegs it, he's fondly remembered as "a real character" instead of the complete bastard that he really was.

Forget all the bollocks about speaking ill of the dead. If I act like a cunt in life I want to be remembered as a cunt in death.
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:55, 9 replies)

skinheads.
shaved heads, obsession with physical fitness, detailed knowledge of and interest in retro fashion, and violent homophobia. One of these things is not like the others.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:54, 3 replies)

Vera Lynn.
Pretends to be all into animal rights, when her whole lifestyle is based on royalties from a song about whale meat.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:53, 7 replies)

Bastard know-it-all NIMBY green activists.
Do you know who really curdles my milk with hypocrisy? Bastard think-they-know-it-all green activists.

Me: Our country is dependent on coal, gas, and a small amount of nuclear power. Coal and gas are dirty! The activists cry. True. Let’s diversify and try to sort out some more nuclear reactors.

Activist: No! We can’t have more nuclear reactors! Nuklear=eevil.

m: Right, let’s try and build a tidal barrage on the river Severn. It will be able to generate up to 5% of the UK’s power needs.

a: No! There is an obscure animal that needs to live there.

m: Ok. Solar power can’t generate what we need. Wind power?

a: Yes! We like wind power!

me: Ok, can we place the turbines near your house?

a: Oh no! You can’t do that!

m: Moving on. Cheap flights?

a: Nooo! Evil. Carbon things and rubbish. Eveil!

m: Even though flights only generate 3% of UK carbon emissions?

a: EEVIL! Carbon momoxide is eviels.

m: Right, lets stop all UK internal flights and build a high speed maglev train that will link up the UK and it will only take 3 and a half hours to go from Edinburgh to London?

a: No, there is a newt that lives in a swamp near the M1 and it would be MURDERDED by new railways.

And my all time favourite.

“I am just browsing the ‘net on my iphone to check out the latest ‘Destroy all 3G masts’ site. Those 3G masts are all eveil you know, my Jeremy got headcrabs because we lived less than 35 mile away from them.”
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:45, 11 replies)

I used to be a member of a local gym
which had a carpark.

Maybe that's not hypocrisy, but I know a way they could make their workouts even more effective.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:44, 2 replies)

The entire assembly of the church of scotland, regardless of denomination, sub-sect or ecumenical rank
Words can barely summarise the vast unmitigated spite I feel towards this mindless collection of two-faced parochial shit-bins.

Suffice to say, if you've ever had the misfortune of having to listen to any of these malodorous, whoring, alcoholic tug-jobs then you'll most likely feel the same.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:44, 2 replies)

*Opens can of worms*…

Now I may be classed as ‘a bit materialistic’ (Read: as tight as a gnat’s chuff…in a vacuum, which has been placed in a vice, closed pneumatically, then had the handle of the vice snapped off), but if there’s one element of hypocrisy that well and truly leaves my cheese out in the wind, it’s the way that Chavs spend their money.

Of the veritable plethora of examples I have, here’s just one.

Quite recently I was in a pub with a couple of mates, and one of them (who just so happens to be a typical Chav, on the Dole and scrounging along by any underhand methods necessary) starts the following conversation:

Mate: “Oh Pooflake, times are hard, I haven’t been paying the rent on my garage and the fucking Bailiffs came round today. I had to hide behind the sofa until they went away!”

Me: “Bailiffs? By the hanging fuck-baskets of Babylon that’s serious! How much do you owe?”

Mate: “40 Quid”

Me (naively): “Why, in the name of Mariella Frostrups’ leathery saddlebags, are Bailiffs coming round for just 40 quid?”

Mate: “Weeeeeeelllll…that is 7 weeks rent”

Me: “Mmmmfff! £5 a week, Is that all? And you still haven’t paid! For fuck’s purple throbbing sake! Why don’t you just pay up?”

Mate: *simpers* “It’s alright for you Poo, you’ve got a job, I’m on the ‘rock’n’roll’, I can’t afford £5”

Me: “Hmmm...It’s your round”

Mate: “Righty ho” *staggers off and buys round*

Cost of round of drinks £7.50

Number of rounds we had already drunk that day: 5
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:40, 6 replies)

Chris Rock?
Surely the man is walking hypocrite...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:35, 7 replies)

I'm a global warming hypocrite
I know that anthropogenic contributions to the levels of CO2 and methane in the atmosphere are almost certainly the majority factor in the warming we have seen since pre-industrial times. I know that the rate of warming is faster than any event ever seen in history. I know that the extremes of weather we've seen recently are likely due to an increase in the energy in the climate system causing swings in the equilibrium as it adjusts to a new level. I know all this.

And yet...
1) I still get a carrier bag every time I go to the supermarket
2) I drive stupidly short distances simply because I'm lazy
3) I happily eat meat even though it takes a lot of energy to produce
4) I rarely willingly recycle
5) I keep my computer on at work because I can't be arsed to switch it on and off
6) I fly places when I could easily take the train because it'll save me 35 minutes

So basically yeah - I'm a complete hypocrite and I love it. Oh, and if you believe global warming isn't happening, you have been terribly, TERRIBLY misinformed by someone who doesn't know what they are talking about. It's whether you CARE that is the crucial thing here ;-)
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:09, 68 replies)

'Benevolent ' gods and the cunts who work for them...
...it always ends up with the poor getting shafted.

Convert = Conquer.
Assist = Rule.
In the name of God = In the name of Government.
Rewarded in Heaven = Arse fucked in this life.

Christians, Muslims, Jews, the lot. The sooner the world is done with all this mumbo-jumbo the better.

Can I get a witness?
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:08, 6 replies)