a stereotypical psycho girlfriend
She cheated on me. I found out, dumped her, and slept with someone else. She then had a go at me for hurting her feelings and being inconsiderate.

But I can't really talk. A year or so before, I was supposed to meet a girl in a club. We'd been talking for ages and had a few previous liaisons, but I was a bit annoyed with her because she was messing me around a bit and she'd pulled someone else the week before. I got absolutely fucked before going. After an evening of partaking of various pleasures, and having lectured the landlady of my local (as mentioned in the Pubs question a couple of weeks ago) with far too much to drink and a cocktail of other drugs inside me, I marched into the club, cocky as fuck, feeling like the world was mine for the taking. I looked for the girl I was supposed to be meeting, but couldn't see her.

So I marched onto the dancefloor and pulled the first girl I could find. After five minutes of tonsil tennis, I turned round, and there was my girl, shaking her head at me.

Really, genuinely, I can't remember anything after that moment. But the next day, she told me what happened.

I had come over, pleading my case, asking for forgiveness. She relented, and we kissed for a while, and then parted, probably to get drinks or something.

Five minutes later she saw me kissing another girl. Again with the head-shaking, followed by forgiveness and more kissing.

And then she saw me kissing another girl. More head-shaking, forgiveness, etc (I think she'd kinda got the theme of the night by now).

And then I saw her kissing another guy. And I went up to her...

and had a go at her for it.

"What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be with me! What the fuck etc etc"

We argued for a little bit, and then she apologised, and I relented, kisses etc.

And then she saw me kissing another girl.

And then she saw me kissing another guy.

I think the last event, if she hadn't quite got it before, finally switched her on to the fact that I had absolutely no control of myself that night and barely knew my own face, let alone who I was supposed to be kissing.

But there you have it. When fucked off my face, my hypocrisy knows no bounds.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:07, 2 replies)

Animals
I enjoy shooting as a pastime, mainly with a 12bore shotgun but I have have an air rifle too. I will regularly shoot Pheasants, Pigeons and fluffy little bunny rabbits. I will skin them, cook them and eat them and I feel no emotion towards them.

My cat who I owned for 16 years died yesterday and I cried like a baby for hours.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 15:04, 8 replies)

After reading Lythium's post
about animal rights activists I am all angry now grrrrrrr!

I go game shooting during the season which runs through autumn and winter. Being conscientious, I always take home the fruits of my labour for the pot, and go to great lengths to ensure that all shot game is retrieved, often in very tricky terrain. During the close season, I take part in various conservation activities like coppicing, litter picks on the coast and along rivers, improvement of cover for ground nesting birds. This in turn is beneficial for all manner of other (often endangered)wildlife - butterflies, birds of prey, field mice etc and as such I get to see wildlife in my shooting areas which I would never get to see if I didn't shoot and help to maintain the areas where I do.

It is my opinion that shooting a pheasant which has spent it's life in the woods eating berries and corn is a much more humane than buying a watery chicken from the supermarket which has spent it's life cooped up in a tiny cage being covered in other chicken's shit, pulling out it's own feathers and pecking the flesh from it's own legs because of the infections which it caught through lack of clean living space. Even the free range chickens which are so popular now have a long way to go (if ever)before their quality of life will be anywhere near that of a wild/reared bird. Also game tastes better and is leaner because it eats natural food (not the slurry and medicines fed to supermarket livestock).

So imagine my fury when some greasy hippy badger kisser criticises me for going out and 'callously blasting sentient beings from the sky', before going home and tucking into a foul roast fowl.

Now I don't mind you expressing your disapproval if you don't eat meat (even if you are wet enough to not eat it because you saw bambi when you were six) because you are not then going home and sanctimoniously practising what you preach.

But if you do eat meat, please get your facts in order before calling someone who enjoys fieldsports a 'murderous bastard' or 'evil wanker'. You have no moral high ground, you narrow minded, bigoted hypocrites.

Sorry rant over!

Length? 40yards maximum for consistent humane kills.
(Sir General ***WoW***, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:58, 25 replies)

I thought this was about right
www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/feb/17/britishidentity-constitution
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:51, Reply)

This'll have to be a pearoast
First off, you can call me a hypocrite if you want. I'm an urban explorer who makes a big deal about the evils of urban renewal in South Korea, yet lives in one of the biggest, most evil apartment complexes.

But this one will be about my friend Vrev, not his real name, who really takes the cake when it comes to hypocrisy. And, to be honest, I'm glad he's a hypocrite because he'd be a much worse human being if he stuck to his beliefs.

Let me start by introducing him. He's an American soldier, a self-described national socialist, and a skinhead. Not one of those "This is England" "skinheads-came-from-black-culture" skinheads, but an archetypal multiculturalism-hating bald-head.

First off, with the National Socialism bit, he doesn't worship Hitler, but he loves the whole idealism thing Hitler came up with that I really don't get, something about race-blah-blah nation-blah-blah. See my username to understand what I think of the topic. What are National Socialists/Nazis known for? Anti-Semitism, you say? Vrev spends most of his time online blogging about how blindly he supports Israel and how Islam should be wiped off the face of the Earth.

He listens to a wide variety of music, and despite being a devout Christian, is attracted to anti-Christian black metal and that sort of thing (meanwhile, I'm a devout atheist who listens to spiritual and sometimes outright-religious reggae music). But his favourite vein of music is known as Rock Against Communism music, or RAC, which he verbalises as "rack." Basically, RAC was a response to the Rock Against Racism movement of the '80s, but instead of being actually against the Iron Curtain, RACkers targeted things that seemed communist-like to them, namely anti-racism, multiculturalism and immigration. Although Vrev was very anti-communist, speaking out against the American Democratic Party whenever he could.

When I first met him, when he was first sent by the US army to South Korea, where he worked as a Korean linguist, he had many great things to say about Korea. As he pointed out to me and my Korean wife, western people are great, and eastern people are great, but black people are innately inferior. A few months later, he actually met black people (where he comes from in the US there are very few black people), probably the first two black people he ever got to know, and became good friends with both of them and 100% took back his words.

What else? Oh yeah, he also comes across as very homophobic, both as a Christian and as a sheltered conservative. Yet when I first met him, I got the strong sense he was flirting with me, touching my thighs gently and lingering a little too much on the eye contact. He started a notorious topic on our message board about how he thinks the male body is objectively more beautiful than the female body. Then he was caught at a reggae dance party making out with a lesbian (lesbian in that she was married to a woman but I guess technically she was a bisexual polygamist [and very cool individual]).

Something I learnt about Vrev is that he is easily controlled by emotional arguments. He fell in love with National Socialism because of the love the Nazis felt for their country, rather than the hatred they're more well known for. He loves RAC music because most of the bands claim to be patriots (while saluting a foreign, failed flag). Then things got complicated when he started dating a Chinese girl he met in a Korean language class.

I'll start to wrap this up, but basically he got really deep into Chinese patriotism. He told me one night, China's government is closer to national socialism than communism.

I guess that didn't work for his superiors. They found out his girlfriend's father was a big wheel in the Chinese army, and he got demoted from linguist to truck driver because the US army was afraid he was a security risk, and might slip information to his hated communist enemy. After that, he seemed to soften a bit on his patriotism, and announced on Facebook (that stupid 25 things meme) that he never really wants to live in the US again.

When I first met him I saw very quickly in what ways he was screwed up. I have to admit I take less pleasure than I hoped every time his beliefs get proven wrong (though that doesn't stop me from trying). He has dabbled in, and summarily rejected, numerous ideologies that most of us consider too evil to think critically about. He's basically learning by experience. I wonder where he'll be in ten years, if some nutbag cult leader will steal his soul, or if he'll learn from his experiences and become smarter than most of us. I do have to say I have more affection for him than most humans (even though I misspelled his name and there's very little hope of him finding this).
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:44, 10 replies)

'Suit & tie'
Bastard businessmen with ‘their suit and tie’ hoovering up well undeserved bonuses while blind people eat lice and cardboard from the gutter.



*trousers 2008 bonus*

*feels guilty*
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:43, 2 replies)

Nose
"I've got a big nose", said the wife.

"Look there is nothing wrong with your big nose" says I.

It took a hold lot of squirming to get out of that one.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:42, 2 replies)

Little hands
I’ll tell you what’s hypocritical.

My mother having a screaming fit for catching me smoking when I was 16 in my bedroom and threatening to kick me out of the house.

She had smoked 20 a day continuously for 30 years at the time, even during the time she was pregnant with me, and my siblings.

I am sure that I have little hands because of that.

*makes tiny fist and curses little hands*
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:32, 4 replies)

Ummm... me?
Every day, pretty much, I go to the gym and laugh inwardly at the fat pasty people.

Then I go home, see myself in the mirror, and weep.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:29, 7 replies)

Animal Rights people
who'll use the point that animals only kill other animals to survive.

Then destroy research establishments that pay the salaries- paying for the food, water, shelter, etc- of the researchers.

Or "we love ALL animal" types who use the "We're all animals" argument then molotov the research scientist- a fellow animal (which means they must love them, remember)- for daring to look at another animal

Or the ones who'll defend the rights of anything cute and fluffy or "endangered" but won't do a damn thing if the lesser mottled moth is in danger.

Anyone who has to put a cute caption next to an animal to make their point. LOLCats was bad enough without the fanaticism.

Edit: Not sure if this is real or accurate (http://www.petakillsanimals.com/?) but if it is then they're utter hypocritical cunts.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:28, Reply)

One word.
Israel.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:24, 5 replies)

Well, this question'll be fun
Page after page of posts about others' mendacity, each of which'll be written from behind the safety of an assumed identity.

Bring it on.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:20, 2 replies)

Daily Mail, oh yes!
In my job I occasionally have to do work for Associated Newspapers. For those who don't know, Associated publishes the Metro, the Evening Standard, and that hate-filled tissue of excrescence the Daily Mail.

So, yesterday I was sitting in the reception area at Associated, casting my eye over the latest copy of their shit-stirring arse-wipe rag. The headline on the front of the Mail said "Foreign workers double to 3.8m under Labour" Essentially it's a story of how there are now 3.8m jobs in the UK which are performed by foreign workers, double the proportion under the Tories and blah blah blah, political correctness gone mad, common sense, broken Britain, ASBOS, MUSLIMS, OH WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

*cough* sorry.

Now, just at the moment I was reading this headline, I became aware of the two security guards having a conversation.

The two foreign security guards having a conversation in their native language.

Yes, the Daily Mail, that immigrant-hating viper pit of reactionary dogma, has foreigners working inside its own building.

Fucking. Hypocrites.

Mother. Fucking. Hypocrites.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:11, 2 replies)

pearoast


Take that God!!!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:09, 17 replies)

Now, my knowledge of the bible is a bit crap,
But I could've sworn there was something in there along the lines of "Thou Shalt Not Fuck Kids".

Silly priests.
( Cawl, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:07, 7 replies)

I decide what spellings
to give my class to learn by thinking of all the words I can't spell.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:06, 1 reply)

Kiiiind of hipocrasy
OK, I am clutching at straws.

In school, sixth form, the dress code changed. The guys were meant to wear a suit, and the girls 'smart casual'.
Personally, I hate a suit, and slowly started de-smarting.
I would change the trousers for jeans, then a week or so later, lose the jacket, then start wearing a t-shirt under the shirt, unbuttoning the shirt, losing that, and within a month, I was in t-shirt and jeans, and none of the teachers had said a thing.

Then, out of nowhere, there was uproar. I hadn't really been paying attention, but the girls had done the same as me. Their smart casual had been becoming more and more casual, and the boys didn't like it. They started a petition. The teachers said they would gladly come to an arrangement.
"Great" I thought. "Soon we will all be comfy in jeans and t-shirts."

But no. The boys all signed the petition that WE ALL HAD TO WEAR SUITS, or would get in serious trouble.
Thanks a lot guys. I spent two years being bloody uncomfortable wrapped in a Primark nightmare.
(bobman500 enjoys a grope as much as the next fella, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:04, 2 replies)

I represent the Moderate Activists Party
... and we are prepared to kill or maim to achieve our goal of a more moderate society.
( Vambo, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 14:02, 1 reply)

Double Standards at School
I once had a teacher at school, who everyone in the school feared.... BIG TIME!

Before starting the school, he had a reputation that every newcomer would hear about. He had an awesome temper, took no shit from anyone, and was known to be an all round general bad ass. He was the head of Resistant Materials, and was well known for chucking the unruly pupils (read: victims) in to the wood store room, telling them to stand on high piles of said wood, and told most to "stand there and watch the wood grow!". You really didn't cross the man.

However, if you were on his good side, he was always firm but fair.

Anyway, getting back to my point... his favourite phrase was "Don't do as I do, do as I say!". I'm pretty sure everyone was subject to his catchphrase, from smokers behind the sports hall to idiots messing on with wood and electric saws.

...yet he was always the biggest culprit!


Great teacher though!


Length? About 10 or 11 years ago.
(ShaunyBoi has been surviving fires since, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:57, 4 replies)

'Get a job!'
In my early twenties, when meeting up with old friends from university for a drink:

Ex-girfriend: You're wasting your life - you should get a job

Me: I've got a job!

Ex-girlfriend: Yeah, but a PROPER graduate job

Me: Well, I'm applying for graduate jobs, but my current job is quite good thanks very much and is helping me get relevant experience, plus it pays my rent while I look for something else.

Ex-girlfriend: It can't be that hard, I've got a job.

Me: Well, not exactly - you're doing a Masters and get subsidies from the government. That's fine, but it's not the same thing.

Ex-girlfriend: Well, you may say that, but I've got myself a flat in London haven't I, and you're renting a room?

Me: Er... your dad BOUGHT your flat for you. That's not really a fair comparison. My parents aren't loaded...

Ex-girlfriend: That's so out of order, what has my financial status got to do with you anyway?

Me: Yeah - good point...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:57, Reply)

Yesterday I was in the queue at Primarks
There were two women in front of me speaking German. Behind me were a pair of Chav women.

Chav 1 - I think it's fucking rude to talk in your own language in another country.
Chav 2 - Yeah

Chav 1 - If you moved to another country would you bother to learn the language?
Chav 2 - Nah.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:55, 5 replies)

Pro Life.
It always makes me laugh to see Pro-lifers bunging eggs at abortion clinics.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:47, 5 replies)

Vegetarians
Why do vegetarians expect their hosts to provide meat-free meals for them, yet won't make meals with meat for their own carnivorous guests?

Fucking hypocrites.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:46, 20 replies)

Where do we start?
My father - in his 60's has never voted in his life because he can't be arsed to register.

There isn't a day that goes by where he doesn't complain about the government.

Every war the Americans have started - apparently they are all in the name of 'peace' - fuckwits to a man that lot. How does killing people promote peace?

Racist football fans who refuse to be racist towards black players on their own team because 'they is one of us innit' - for fucks sake, if you have to be racist (and I hope you aren't) be consistent.

Me - for bollocking my team for excessive Internet use every month, only for me to spend my days avoiding work by being online.

My mate Simon, who, after taking me to one side to suggest that I might be drinking too much, gets himself arrested for being drunk and disorderly on Corn Street in Bristol. Less than 24 hours about talking to me aboutmy behaviour.

Vegitarians - What? Your leather shoes came from roadkill did they? Fuck Off. Expect me to cook something 'special' for you - only for you to give me Korn at your house? Double Fuck Off.

Mullered
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:46, 9 replies)

Medicine
Normal medicines: multimillion pound lengthy trials, strict regulation, years of training, effective treatment available free at point of need. Result - everyone berates the NHS and there's a huge outcry when things don't work or have side effects, say they need more testing, regulation, etc.

Alternative medicine: call yourself "Doctor", add random letters after your name, tell everyone that people in the East have been cramming live earwigs into their rectums since the year dot, charge people a f**king fortune for the privilege. Result: loved by all as "holistic" and "caring", can't put a foot wrong, get official government certification for £45.

OK, yes, it's a bugbear of mine.

Here's some more hypocrisy: I hate people who spam in the forums, but sign my petition anyway, B3tard minions.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:43, 9 replies)

Tony Robinson
Prior to his death at my kipper-fuelled hands, Gary Coleman made it a daily challenge to issue forth a double standard of herculean magnitude. His final gesture of this sort, only hours before his passing, took place at the old windmill. Allow me to describe the scene.

The night enshrouded us in a silky blue-black mousse, the dreary moon tossing its lunar juice in fits and starts through the pube-clouds, speckling our chins and feet. Coleman feigned a lunge toward my crotch. I jerked away, half tempting the man-child to pursue his bulbous target. Alas, my cherubic he-nymph appeared less set on jimmynudgery than I had anticipated, instead opting merely to stoop then lower his squat frame slowly into a prostrate assumption that fed my mind with a plethora of notions and sinful fancies.

Time passed, my erection subsided at a conversely proportionate rate to that of the rising sun, and still my cherished, dark-skinned Eros failed to stir. I sieved custard creams through his teeth by sheer brute force, rubbing with my enlarged thumb against the biscuit-encrusted ivory that lay beyond his sweet ebony lips. No response.

Culkin stopped by for fish and broccoli. He ate his fill and left, but not before attempting to lure Coleman back to consciousness with a poem:

My face
Lingers
Large in your mind as you sleep.
Ejaculate on my
Face.
I beg thee. I crave for thine saline effluence, filling my nostrils and lungs, giving me
Hope.
Dace is a fish. So is plaice. They both rhyme with face.
Dace.
Plaice.
Face.
This is a poem.

Culkin scratched his head, unsure of his location, then galloped away, hands glued to his cheeks.

I circled Coleman’s burgundy mouth with my glans. His eyes blinked open. I offered him a Blue Riband.
“I don’t eat that crazy goddamn mofo wafer-chocolate-biscuit shizzle!” he shrieked, then wolfed the entire 350g eighteen-bar packet.

That smacked of double standards to me.
(stusut79, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:43, 4 replies)

Animal Rights Activists..
(no offence to any veggies/vegans here, btw)

I don't have anything against animal rights activists per se; I did incur the subtle wrath of the few I know when they found out that I'm a meat eater, but all in all, I think that they are entitled to their opinion. I do have a few grievances with the ones who love the animals a little too much.

When I was about five years old in the lovely (I use the term VERY loosely) area of Meanwood in Leeds, I went to the local supermarket with my mother, she popped inside for a minute to pick up some milk, and I waited outside. A scruffy, long haired hippy type shambled up to me (N.B. I also have long hair and have no room to talk!) handing out flyers with a pained expression on his face, you know the one, where you really need a poo, but someone has just locked the bathroom door and started having a shower.

Anyways, he hippied his way over to me and handed me a flyer, with the most graphic images of vivisection and animal testing I've ever seen. I was five years old you cuntbag, thanks for the nightmares. What kind of sick 'save the animals' hippy cunt would hand shit like that to a minor? Disturb a child, save teh fwuffy animaws.

Then there's PeTA. The vegan terrorists who advocate violence against humans to further their 'free animals' cause. The same sick bastards who EXECUTE any animal that is given to them (strays etc.), but condemn (and violently oppose) any other faction whose business may incur the death of an animal.

Hypocritical cunts.


Please note that carnivores aren't free from hypocrisy either; when having dinner with some acquaintances a few years ago, there was a brief discussion about abattoirs (I have no idea why!) until one person at the end of the table interjected with

"That's disgusting, how can you talk about stuff like that when we're trying to eat!?"

Before proceeding to eat their rare-cooked Wexfield 8oz steak. Seriously, how can you ignore where something came from when you're going to eat it semi-bleeding anyway!?

Strange.

Apologies for 7" Medium-Rare with peppercorn sauce.
(Lythium deals in lead, my friend., Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:42, 3 replies)

Women who complain about their boyfriends looking at other women.
We look at other men all the time. We're just a damn site more subtle with it.
( girlinthehole, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:40, 5 replies)

On my mother getting out of hospital last week
I constantly called her a wimp for just lying around moaning about the pain for two days!

Having got out myself yesterday, I am spending all of my time lying around moaning about the pain.

And as I am 140 miles away from my friends and family at this point I am making the point of phoning them up to inform them of this fact!

That makes me a bigger pussy than her right!

In my defence my operation hurts a lot more!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:36, Reply)

Dress codes and school uniforms
I have a big thing about equality. To me, everyone should be given the same opportunities wherever possible regardless of race, gender, third arms or whatever.

It's always rankled with me that school uniforms allow ladies to wear trousers like the boys - but a boy (should he be so inclined) may not wear a skirt and tights. Admitted, he'd be beaten within an inch of of his life if he did, but attitudes may change if it was allowed! By the same note, why in some schools are girls allowed only to wear blouses and not shirts? This may be anatomically related though.

This follows through to work. In my current place of employment, men have to wear shirts, smart shoes and ties, unless that is unwise for operational reasons, such as myself where I stick my head in a printer most of the day.
Ladies, on the other hand, do not have a dress code. Some of them daily wear clothes that wouldn't look out of place in a nightclub, yet not an eye is batted. Should a gentleman in the office remove his tie due to the heat (heat is always turned up due to said ladies wearing practically nothing then complaining about being cold) he'll get an e-mail from HR pretty sharpish telling him to put it back on or face a disciplinary

Could someone please tell me why there is this discrepancy? If there’s an actual reason, for difference in dress code, I’d love to know.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 13:29, 16 replies)