Age 14, Home Dye Kit
"Cover all surfaces."

Sorry mum.
(oranguturn, Mon 8 May 2006, 11:33, Reply)

Blown Away
One very hot summer I went out and bought a upright fan for my bedroom (that needed some construction). Being a blokey kind of bloke first thing I did was throw the instructions in the bin.

When finished I noticed that in my hand I had 3 screws and some type of spring.

The fan worked fine keeping me cool while sleeping. Im still complexed by the fact that I had left over bits and where they were actually meant to go.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Mon 8 May 2006, 11:26, Reply)

Revolve All The Function Knobs
Just lately I got a new set of stereo speakers, and they came with a cute little instruction book.

And let me tell you, it's a good thing I read that warning about not putting the product in "hot, damp circumstance prevent from being soaked and walloped", because my vibrator broke last week...
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Mon 8 May 2006, 10:41, Reply)

Jedda Bolt
Employee of the year
Not my story, but my uncle's. He worked in a factory where the job was very easy - cut the red wire on object 1, cut the white wire on object 2...you get it.

Except one of the men working alongside my uncle got kind of bored with this whole do-what-makes-perfect-sense thing. He decided, I'm gonna connect the red wire to the white wire, the green wire to the yellow wire.

Boom.

Crispy fried factory worker. Always CUT the red wire, not connect it...
(miguel sanchez, Mon 8 May 2006, 10:38, Reply)

Nasty sharp things.
I think I may have had a pretty warped mind when I was little, I remember being confused a lot anyway (no change there, interestingly). Just to set the scene, so to speak.
At about age 2, I decided it was time I started shaving. I had observed the big fat one's (aka Dada's) movements and thought I could replicate tehm quite accurately.
I was just finishing the left cheek (I never understood you were actually removing hair) when in walked mama, and my guilty stomach lept as I remembered the fateful line 'blah blah shaving razor blah blah bad. No blah.'
My face ached less than my tanned hide, and age 26, I still bear the scar on my lower lip. No beardy repurcussions though, thankfully.
And at age 5, walking home with my mum, I noted to my mother that a certain plant looked as if it had velvety leaves. It was one of those plants with white fluffy flowers on long brown stalks and grey-green, thin, razor-sharp leaves. My mum warned me off such things, and I remember being verrry pissed at her for some reason and so decided I knew better. Clasping one of those aforementioned bastard leaves in each hand, I ran the length of it through my clenched fists. And then I marvelled at the effect that I was squeezing something to death in my fist, which was actually brought about by my hand pissing with blood. I didn't hurt (AT THE TIME) because the leaves are so sharp. My hands throbbed for a week, but on the plus side I started a craze for wearing a bandage on each finger.
Every cloud...
(spida, Mon 8 May 2006, 10:32, Reply)

Not really on topic, but..
I bought a fleece pet blanket that had the instruction "Before washing, remove pet". There was me about to stick the blanket in the washing machine with the dog still on it.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Mon 8 May 2006, 10:22, Reply)

Do not hoover up lighter fuel!
Ok, so the instructions were not specifically on the side of the hoover but they should have been.

My older brother thought it would be a great idea to turn on the hoover suck up a load of lighter fuel (from one of those swan lighter re-fuel cans) and then get me to light a match near the air outlet. Boom! The hoover was fucked and the hair on one side of my head was much shorter than the other.

Older brothers, bastards the lot of them!
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Mon 8 May 2006, 10:13, Reply)

IMPLIED INSTRUCTIONS....about axes
My Dad is the king of using spanners as hammers and screwdrivers as chisels.

My Grandfather (Dad's father in law) is the king of tools. Everything is sharp and clean. It's all in perfect working order. He has a dozen different hammers, one for any given situation. He has several dozen different screwdrivers. He had 5 different axes. All sharp and in perfect condition despite being 30 years old.

So my Dad borrows his big axe. And comes back to our house. And takes the pristine and ancient axe....

And chops A CAR in half.

My Dad is so cool.
(unclehunty, Mon 8 May 2006, 9:58, Reply)

This one time...
I had merely been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and now had a jail sentence, the policeman told me that on my way to jail, and these are his exact words "Do NOT pass Go! Do NOT collect £200!"

Do I listen to his advice? Do I fuckity...passed Go, picked up the £200, a quarter of that got me out on bail and still had enough to buy 3 houses all along the Old Kent Road.

Policemen waiting on the corner usually don't know what they're talking about, don't listen to them.
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Mon 8 May 2006, 9:38, Reply)

Re: Don't throw deoderant cans on fires.
Yer me too and I got engulfed in the ensuing fireball too...
Lost an inch of hair and most of my eyebrows and very bad burns to my face


It looks very cool though
(bertz, Mon 8 May 2006, 9:26, Reply)

At download a few years ago
there was a 'no crowd surfing' policy

fuck that

I was wrenched off by one arm by a big fuck off steroid driven 'security' thug and dumped unceremoniously shoulder first into the metal step at the bottom of the stage. Then picked up and 'escorted' by 2 muscle heads back to the public arena
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Mon 8 May 2006, 9:26, Reply)

Don't throw deoderant cans on fires.
Why not?

It flew out with a large bang and missed my head by about an inch. Found it embedded in a nearby tree... Stupid kid that I was...
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 8 May 2006, 9:19, Reply)

blindingly obivous
I once used too much explosive and destroyed the whole van, apparently I was "ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF"
(the tartful splodger, Mon 8 May 2006, 9:06, Reply)

when I was about 17, I was big
on my dirt jumping, and I was OK at it, I just remember one jump that was a 10ft kicker over a ridge with a smooth landing down the other side. It was a piece of art.

Anyway first time I am due to ride this, my mate said don't hit it too fast, so I barrel off going as fast as I can, hit this way to fast, and land far further down the run-off than is traditionally considered safe, I tried to slow before the berm but just ended up skipping straight out and smacking a tree with the side of my head (viva la helmets).
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Mon 8 May 2006, 8:54, Reply)

Working in a brewery as a teenager back in Waterford
we, the holiday workers, were allowed one bottle of soft drink each at morning break, so we arranged to relabel some bottles of alcoholic cider with apple juice labels. Relabelled dozens of bottles, enough to see us through the summer. Second week of the holidays all the bottles got shipped out to be sold. That would have been one hell of a kids birthday party. We were let go within weeks.
(out of his league, Mon 8 May 2006, 7:07, Reply)

Haha
when at a party a while ago....
quite drunk, okay, well, very smashed, was very very sick, etc. My 'mate' has pissed me off in some way months previously, so I decided that then was the time to exact my revenge. So I tried to punch him in the face (I'm an averagely sized girl, he's a tall,lanky but still supposedly stronger than me guy). He said: "don't bother, you're crap, you'll only fail and hurt yourself" (or something along those lines).
Nearly broke his nose/his glasses, the cunt.
Hmm, actually that was a pretty good not-following-instructions story, as I'd cheerfully do it again... Huzzah for violence!
(Ryuken-Kai, Mon 8 May 2006, 4:48, Reply)

At the chippy
The 'this glass is hot' sign you just have to touch just to see how hot it is.

I remember when i was younger, being very tall for my age i climbed up onto the counter and tested the hotness with...my forehead.

Oh my tender skin!
(PieEater, Mon 8 May 2006, 3:50, Reply)

Manliness or should it be Laziness?
My mum and dad went on holiday for 2 weeks. All my money goes on drugs and alcohol. I run out of pot noodle, no money left i resort to living off what i can scavange. i find a frozen maccaronni and cheese microwave meal at the back of the freezer behind the yorkshire puds. I thought seeing as though microwaved food tastes like hairy ballbags, ill cook it in the oven.

I vaguely remember my girlfriend cooking something similar when i was at her house, she attacked the film lid with a fork and banged it the microwave for a bit.

I hammered the film lid with a fork and stuck it in the oven at around 200ish. thinking ill wait 20 mins, but then realise in a fan assisted oven it will take half the time. great stuff.

I eat my way through melted plastic film and half frozen half incinerated mac and cheese. I nearly ate it all because i was that hungry, as i go to scrape my plate i can see the oven cooking instructions mocking me:

Defrost before cooking
REMOVE film lid
For fan assisted cook at 170 deg for 30 mins
Ensure food is piping hot throughout before ingestion

I survived, i win.

Apologies....
(PieEater, Mon 8 May 2006, 3:40, Reply)

beer
the instructions on the tin said 'drink sensibly' - instead i drunk 10 tins of stella dancing around in teh nude and singing hits from the 70's.
Ouch my head.
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Mon 8 May 2006, 2:56, Reply)

epiphany
(lol i get to use big words!!)
anyhooo...surely everybody has a school memory in science class...i can remember my teachers telling me not to do all kinds of fun shit with all them chemicals/powdery flammable metals/bunsen burners...i can't remember a time i actually listened to the instructions 100% and did not screw around!
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Mon 8 May 2006, 0:16, Reply)

"James, don't go near the CD player, you have a can of beer in your hand"
Which was then poured into the cd player, for about 10 seconds, and I didn't notice. So, I thought I'd put the radio on instead. Also advised not to touch the radio aerial. Did I listen? Predictably, no. I extended the aerial and wondered why my whole arm was shaking. It didn't dawn on me until later I was being electrocuted. Or was it when my ex shouted "let go!". Thankfully I listened to that one.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 7 May 2006, 23:49, Reply)

Just remembered another....
Its sort of linked. Year 9 Biology class we were being told about what differant parts of the brain did (in basic terms) and we got on to the back bit. This part controls sight, visual acuity etc.

From behind me I hear my (so-called) friend Ryan say, and I quote "Lets find out, shall we?"

Before I could turn and ask how, the cunt punched me in the back of the head, hard, fully blinding me for ten fucking minutes!!! Apparently I just sat there staring forward muttering "Oh fuck. Ooooooh fuck"

I got him back afterward.
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Sun 7 May 2006, 22:57, Reply)

Enter your Subject Here
Enter your story here. Please only post stories here, as comments will appear out-of-order and only make the page unreadable.
(AlexanderDeLarge, Sun 7 May 2006, 22:57, Reply)

If it isn't broken...
Whilst working in a lab I had the very dull task of running samples through a very very slow separation technique. It took forever as it involved passing flid through a separation column at very slow speeds. I decided it couldn't hurt to speed things up (in spite of a nice big red warning sign saying "do not adjust speed of flow") so started to dabbble.
Result:
All samples worthless and needed resubmitting. Cost: about a thousand quid).
Separation column ruined (becaus the delicate contents collapsed under the four times pressure), about 2 thousand quid.
Detector at the end of the column ruined (because the former contents of the column filled it and broke it), around 13,000 quid.
Ooops... anyone have a P45 handy?
(DustyD, Sun 7 May 2006, 22:56, Reply)

Machinery is fun
I remember being at school in the technology room, now this was a room full of metal working equipment and safety notices everywhere.

At the time we were making penholders out of steel and so we needed to machine various parts.

Lesson starts and we get a safety lecture on using a lathe, specifically leaving the chuck key in.

Two seconds later not very cleaver kid steps up to the machine.. you guessed it he leaves the chuck key in, turns lathe on and WHACK!!! right in the groin!!! I chuckled with amusement. Now that might have tought most people a lesson, no. Kid picks up chuck key retightens the metal he is working on. Turns on lathe WHACK!!! AGAIN chuck key right in the groin again.... Twunt!

The bloody thing even had a warning sign on it about leaving the chuck keys in!!!

Length? Girth? You dirty bitches love it!
( Aenesis, Sun 7 May 2006, 22:06, Reply)

I went bowling yesterday.
Beat my previous best score by 30 points.

(Apologies for lack of relevance, I've never been good at following instructions).
(mmmkay, Sun 7 May 2006, 21:58, Reply)

I once didn't read the instructions on a packet of smarties.
It said to eat them with a spoon BUT I DIDN'T HAVE A SPOON so I panicked and smothered them in jam as a default b3tan reaction

/yes im making this up blog
(Fizz Bitch, Sun 7 May 2006, 21:53, Reply)

Roman Candles
They say: DO NOT POINT AT PEOPLE

What did I do?

I walked within 10 feet of my mate and shot him right in the face, without being provoked, it wasn't in self defense, just plain evil.

He was all right, by and by.
(Human, Sun 7 May 2006, 21:02, Reply)

A number of occaisions...
1. Guide Camp meeting. Bored young leaders throw a BBQ for the little sprogs. Fine. Dispoable BBQs. Plastic tables. Not so good. Holes melted through the tables quite spectacularly. As in, we only reallised once the table section was sagging and the BBQs had almost fallen through. Woops...

2. Toaster. 'Do not leave unattended'. So I go to the loo. When I come back, the kitchen is filled with black smoke, and my mum is watching said toaster merrily burning away in nice orange flames, where she's thrown it outside onto the lawn. Woops...

3. Never put cold water in a hot glass. Not clever. Shattered my dad's favourite pint glass quite spectacularly. And ruined a pint of cold cider while I was at it. He wasn't pleased.

4. Batteries. Fire. From where I was standing, it was quite a spectacular show. From my brother's piont of view, it was a trip to hospital from flying shrapnel.

I have others, but this is already too long, so I'll spare the anguish.
(Steg isn't drunk enough yet., Sun 7 May 2006, 20:49, Reply)

Lung Biopsy
My best friend recently had a rather painful, serious lung biopsy.
Once they let her out of the hospital, she was instructed not to drive, carry anything, lift anything for at least two weeks to let the wound heal.
The next day, she was feeling ok (due to the amount of vicodin and other prescription narcotics to ease the pain) and decided to take the bins out.
One massive scream later, she passed out and spent 3 weeks in hospital having ripped her stitches apart and getting a horrible lung infection that could have killed her.

Silly girl.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 7 May 2006, 19:51, Reply)