What do you call quiet elves?
shelves
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 10 Dec 2020, 12:49, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

Why does Mr T insist on decorating every inch of his house with garish Christmas decorations and lights every year?

He ain't gettin' on no plain Yule!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Tue 8 Dec 2020, 22:37, Reply)

Last summer I went camping in France and ended up pitched next to a fucking gigantic tent occupied by an 80s British insipid dinner party soul singer
It was the marquee de Sade
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Tue 8 Dec 2020, 17:02, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

What did popular West Country singer 'Boney M' say
when he was told that his illegitimate daughter is popular food television personality Mary Berry?

"Berry's Moi choild? Jesus Chroist."
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Mon 7 Dec 2020, 14:18, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

I did Nazi that coming!
Did you know all of Adolf Hitler's friends used to call him Richard Potato.

..Everyone else called him Dick Tater.

I'll get my coat then.
"Taxi"
*Leaves very quickly *
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Sun 6 Dec 2020, 19:38, Reply)

I was walking down the street when this bloke started throwing animal skins at me.

I got pelted.
(CleverLittlePIg, Sun 6 Dec 2020, 17:58, Reply)

What do you call a wine bar that only serves Sauvignon Blanc and plays endless noughties pop-soul/jazz in the background?

Samey Winehouse.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Thu 3 Dec 2020, 22:39, Reply)

Niche
I was tasked with making a remake of Starsky and Hutch, but it was to star light entertainers. So we got Les Dennis for the Starsky role, and we wanted Keith Chegwin to play the other one. We got him in to audition, and whilst he was there he said something racist, and I accidently called him the C word, and he went off in a huff, saying he wouldn't do it.

Moral of the story: NEVER CUNT YOUR CHEGGERS BEFORE HE'S HUTCH.
(joehmbunn They speak my name in silent but violents., Wed 2 Dec 2020, 0:25, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

How does Jerome "Little Anthony" Gourdine of Little Anthony and the Imperials
know what the Coronavirus restrictions are, immediately upon waking up in the morning?

Tiers on his pillow.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Tue 24 Nov 2020, 14:54, 6 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

When Jamiroquai share a spliff, they call it a "Harry Potter"
because it was created by Jay Kay rolling.
( enceladus, Fri 20 Nov 2020, 23:56, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

What do you call a domestic pig who can curl up into a spherical shape so that you can play boules with him?
Pet oink!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 18 Nov 2020, 15:27, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

What's the difference
between a black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks, and a black private Dick who's a sex machine to all the tricks?

Shift!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 11 Nov 2020, 13:37, Reply)

What do you call a recently-deceased ex-bond actor who has had his bodily hair removed in order to be prepared for embalming?
SHORN Connery!
( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Tue 3 Nov 2020, 3:44, 7 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

Why did covid patient contain his rage with the government response
He was waiting to vent 'til later
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 2 Nov 2020, 22:32, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

What's the opposite of Katie Hopkins?

Antonym Hopkins.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Mon 2 Nov 2020, 14:40, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

What do you call a Bond actor who's tired all the time?
Yawn Connery!!!
(dribble, Sun 1 Nov 2020, 9:31, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

What do you call a Chancellor of the Exchequer with eczema?

Rashi Sunak.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Mon 19 Oct 2020, 8:52, 19 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

What did Boy George order at his local curry house?
Korma, korma, korma, korma, korma curry meal eat in.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 16 Oct 2020, 4:43, Reply)

Apparently the CIA have a vaccine
but you only get immunity once your negligence has caused the death of at least one innocent motorcyclist.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Wed 23 Sep 2020, 22:40, 3 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

My doctor is terribly boastful. Went for a prostate exam and he just had try and one up me.
(JauntyArt, Thu 10 Sep 2020, 22:02, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Which famous hairstylist was responsible for making longer hairstyles popular?
COVIDal Sassoon!
(Agent Pr1ck llǝɯs ǝɥʇ sʇI ˙ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ l, Tue 8 Sep 2020, 19:54, Reply)

this has been a long week

(sticklebrlcks that's Mr Bricks to you 🍎, Sat 5 Sep 2020, 11:31, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

Best tennis player ever with bow legs
Bandy Murray
( spazzcaptain Misses Valin @, Fri 4 Sep 2020, 23:31, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

What's the difference between a cucumber and a balloon?
One floats to the sun and the other goes up your bum.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 4 Sep 2020, 23:01, Reply)

How many E's in beer?
Just one. do you wanna dance? I wanna dance
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 28 Aug 2020, 10:03, Reply)

What does a cannibal have for breakfast?
Feetabix!

Sorry.
(fluckstlicks Whatever you do, do it improperly!, Fri 21 Aug 2020, 1:19, Reply)

How do you help a cannibal?
Give him (or her) a hand.
(fluckstlicks Whatever you do, do it improperly!, Fri 21 Aug 2020, 1:18, Reply)

I've written a three act ensemble piece about Roget's Thesaurus
It's a play on words.
( 2kindsofherring, Sat 15 Aug 2020, 20:28, Reply)