Just seen this now
Looking through the forums for the Poice specials and saw the following header:

The Locker Room - Sponsored by Brown Wings Clothing

I'm not techie enough to put the link...

I lolled for a bit anyways
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 9:20, Reply)

Morning all,
This isn't really worth posting, but I'm bored.

Carrion Up The Vicar

Some time ago, the Mrs and I were looking into the possibility of marriage, and as she’s a good protestant girl we consulted our local Vicar. As anybody knows, in some rural parishes it’s still tradition for the Vicar to pay a visit to the engaged couple’s home, get to know them a little, and force them to endure weeks of getting up early on Sundays and sitting through hours of Bible-bashing, God-bothering verbal arse and niceties over tea and biscuits with the local elderly/insane people afterwards in the church hall.

So it came to be that the good Reverend Dick and his wife were to pay us a visit, and the following farce ensued;
It was a freezing cold winter’s afternoon when the doorbell rang, the Mrs and I straightened ourselves up, before opening the door,
‘Oh hello Reverend,’ I greeted them, ‘I hope you’re well, and this must be your wife…?’
‘Yes, Hello Mr Monkeysex, this is my wife, Fanny.’
I stifled a snigger, and beckoned them in. As they were taking their coats off, I spotted that Fanny had something furry on her hands, ‘Would you like me to take your muff now?’ I asked innocently. She smiled at me, and I went to hang up their coats.

Ushering Reverend Dick, and his wife Fanny, from the hall to the living room, Mrs Monkeysex went to the kitchen, as I tried my best to make small talk with the elderly and unfortunately-named God couple.
Mrs Monkeysex appeared again just as we were discussing the church roof fund, and how Dick was having trouble getting wood to keep it up. She offered around a plateful of some of her best homemade biscuits and cakes,
‘Don’t you think my fiancée makes a lovely tart?’ I said, as Fanny sunk her teeth into Mrs Monkeysex’s Cherry Bakewell.

Several references to baps, cocks, keeping it up, firm pears, feeling peaky, warm fronts, having a stiff one, getting my ring on the Mrs’s finger, oh isn’t that a hard one, my haven’t you got a big one, nurturing Fanny’s Clematis, Dick getting up and about, and I can’t be arsed to finish this story!

The End.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 9:06, 513 replies)

Chairman Mur reminds me
Couple of weeks ago I was staying in a hotel room in France with my ladyfriend. The hotel had booked a twin room instead of a double, ie, two single beds. Unfortunately, there were no double rooms available so rather than kick up a fuss, I merely proposed to the concierge that we push the two beds together so as my ladyfriend and I could sleep together. Only, instead of using the verb 'dormir' meaning to 'sleep' together, I used 'se coucher', meaning to 'sleep (if ya know'm sayin - heh heh)' together - doh! The concierge' eyebrows raised but then he accepted my foreign johnny-ness and issued me some sheets. The ladyfriend, content as she was in her German-ness, that this arrangement would provide her sufficient 'schlafensraum', fortunately decided not to invade the hotel next door - *phew*
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 8:45, Reply)

In a coffee shoppe
A lovely young lady walked up to me as I was behind the counter.

"I've got a friend coming later and I need a big enough muffin that will last me half an hour."
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 8:43, 1 reply)

The art of gayness
I had two mates who were roomies in a small flat. Hank was a very annoying character with strange habits and Fabio was an annoying go-to-sleep-early-and-keep-in-shape type.

Fabio was sharing a story about how Hank always made a noise when he was in his room trying to sleep. and while the rooms were separate, if one made a noise the other would hear it.
In the middle of this story (that quickly became the end) Fabio said,

"Hank always turns the radio on when we're in bed...."
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 7:55, Reply)

what about
this:

www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/313

mighty old, but still plucking good. c'mon, get out your twanger! sorry...
(lazy killer robot found that beer tastes better when your older, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 6:42, 2 replies)

Bilingual cocks ups
Whilst working in Japan teaching english I encountered two classic slip ups made in a Junior high school
first, when asked by a teacher at his school what his impression of the students was, my friend wanting to say "shaberi hito ooii" (meaning there are alot of talkative students) he accidentally said "Shaburi hito ooii." (meaning there are a alot of cock suckers!)
Secondly after being helped by a female teacher a friend tried to say "Kansha shitai imasu" (meaning i wish to show you my gratitude) but instead said "Gansha shitai imasu!" (meaning i want to come in your face!)
Not so much of an innuendo but funnier than Dr Banners slip up in Portugese.
(Chairman Mur, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 6:13, Reply)

chicken.
back in the mists of time, a mate and myself headed to a popular fried chicken fast food joint. I was, and still am a bit of a socialy akward type and often none too fast on the uptake. My good mate liked to play with this fact. A weekend afternoon the place was always staffed by young girls whom I would not normaly dream of aproaching. Matey sets up his game: 'you go order' he says, 'save us both queing'. 'righto' says I, 'what do you want?' he wants the 3 pieces of chicken in a box with the chips. I always had a spicey burger. only, he says he doesnt like the 3rd bit of chicken. 'Theres always a leg, a breast fillet and some other lumpy bone filled mass. Ask them if I can have two of the other piece' he pleads, guessing at the wording i will choose. 'no worries'. so up to the counter I pedal to be met by a cute lass in her blue nylon sweatshirt. 'what would you like?' she smiles. 'I'd like a zinger and a three piece feed. only, when you fill the box can i get two breasts and a leg... please?' A withering glare and it took the mates sniggers to make me realise she thaught i was taking the piss.
money was exchanged in stoney silence. Bastard.
(lazy killer robot found that beer tastes better when your older, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 4:28, Reply)

Far too many spring to mind.
A classic though was me showing a group of schoolgirls how we inflate and launch a weather balloon.
Their comments included:

"Oooh, it's so...big."
"Can we touch it?"
"Wow, I never expected it to feel so smooth"
"Does it get even bigger?"
"How big does it get before it pops?"
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 17 Jun 2008, 1:36, Reply)

My last job was a haven for innuendo and wrongness,
whether unintentional or otherwise. At one point I was having a conversation about food with Kelly, who was a vegetarian, and I told her "I think you ought to get back on the meat" to the amusement of many.

The best, however, occured when we having one of our frequent sessions were we posed each other 'would you rather'/moral dilemma type questions rather than doing any proper work.

I gave Kelly a complex one, involving her and her sister being locked in chambers, which would be flooded with lethal nerve gas in exactly one minute. Each chamber, however, contained a button that, if pressed, would gas the chamber of the person who pressed it, but open the door of the other one.
The question being, would she sacrifice herself to save her sister, or gamble on her sister pressing the button? Kelly decided she'd need to ponder that one for a bit and we got back to work.

About five minutes later, another colleague (who hadn't heard the earlier bit) was walking back to his desk just in time to hear;

Me: So, you've still not answered my question.
Kelly: Ahh, wait 30 seconds, then push my button.

The expression on his face, and his choking gasp of "What?!" were priceless, and after I finished laughing I explained to him that the context was that of a twisted Saw-esque mind game, rather than some form of clumsy office seduction.

These are but two examples of the many innuendos that occured. They are though the only accidental ones I can think of. We truly were some filthy minded people.

I'm not even going to try and make a length joke in this qotw.
(Uncle Comrade, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 1:09, Reply)

And yet I still refuse to make a 'length' joke
Can't believe I'd forgotten about this one until now.

A group of bored students are lounging about in the foyer of their hall of residence when one girl, let's see, we'll call her Emma is so bored she's taking dares for words she can try to covertly sneak into an essay she was delaying writing. A few outlandish suggestions are given before someone offers 'giraffe'.

"Oh I could a fit a giraffe in easily."

Poor girl, it was a long time before she'd forget making that comment. Shame as I knew from personal experience that it's far from the case ;)
( djtrialprice, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 23:54, Reply)

Not me, but ...
... I always seem to be in shops when my mates disengage brain before speaking.

Like the time one of them asked a shopkeeper 'How much are your nick-nacks?'* to screams of disbelieving laughter.

And the time when, referring to the popular computer driving game, my other pal asked a shop assistant 'do you have skid-marks?'

But, as I've stated before, having worked on a local newspaper, you do hear some funny stuff.

I recall one photographer - who was bound for a job for the gardening pages - say he was 'off to photograph some woman's bush', and also a colleague who enquired of the guest writer 'how long is your column?'.

*popular crunchy snack.
(El Fandango carved a big EF onto his nemesis' doublet on .., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 23:46, Reply)

Without even realising what they said;
Me: "Hey *name*, fancy a brew?"
Them: "Yeah sure"
*customer walks into shop*
Them: "You know how I like it, two big teabags"
*customer is shock, I back out of room in hysterics*
(annhialus hasn't had an accident since, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 23:40, Reply)

Boxes
I had a new and rather quite atrractive female co-worker start working at the desk next to me in the past couple of months.

In helping her get set up with a new PC I forgot the way that IT terminology could come across.

R: I can't access the support email.
Me: Jeez really? There must be something wrong with your box, let me see it.

Whole office erupts with laughter. Later in the SAME DAY

Boss, over phone: How is R going today?
Me: So far so good, although S is going to have come in and check out her box later on.

*Gets away scott free because of being handsome devil. yes.
(feature_wall, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 22:12, Reply)

Queen Mother
One of my colleagues has just exclaimed "I've entered the Queen Mother". Cue tea sprayed through nose moment for a couple of us.
To clarify, there is a series of races around something referred to as the Queen Mother. Glad we got that cleared up :)
( Whodathunkit, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 21:54, Reply)

Less subtle than an innuendo, fellow called Anil Dikshit came to Manchester Business SChool once while I worked there
ronseal
(sirolimus, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 21:36, 1 reply)

My friend's mum...
...once informed us that the fiver that someone had offered her 'wouldn't touch the sides'. Whether she meant lengthways or sideways, I don't know.

I also liked it when David Gower mentioned the other day that 'Panesar followed through inches from McCullum's face'. Mind you, there's nothing erotic about that unless you're German, or Mark Oaten.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 21:31, Reply)

I don't get it
why people don't laugh when they hear of the "M.E.N Arena" as it is the MEN arena, perfect for innuendos

Example: "i'm gonna go up the MEN Arena"
(funny_man404 s face is smiling in retarded glee, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 21:15, 2 replies)

My mother
once yelled from the garden:
"Peep! Come and look at this giant erection!"

She meant the new family tent.
( Peapod Has returned to the fold on, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 20:42, Reply)

Freudian Slip
In 2005, our theatre group staged the musical "Annie". I played U.S. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Lots of women were cast in FDR's Cabinet because we didn't have enough men, including the most alluring sexpot of the entire group, who took on the male role of Louis Howe, Roosevelt's campaign advisor (we redubbed her as Lois Howe).

When I introduced Annie to the Cabinet, I was supposed to say, "and this is Lois Howe, my friend and aide." Instead, what I said was "and this is Lois Howe, my friend and companion."

I clenched my teeth even tighter on the cigarette holder and grimaced as the laughter rolled in from the audience.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 20:38, Reply)

City names in Georgia (The US State)
Cumming and Intercourse

Hmm...to use it in a sentence...I'd love to go to Intercourse and say "I'm going to Cumming."

I don't know if there are any other cities in my state with such odd names, except for maybe Zebulon...but nothing tops Cumming and Intercourse.
(travishayes89 is tired of people starting fights at school., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 20:32, 3 replies)

Multi Mimsy 2000
Following from this post on page one , I was at my lady-friend's house where a magazine she had was displaying a large advert for the Multi Mimsy 2000.

www.willo.com/mimsy/pricing.asp

My mind boggled.

Oh, and it's completely safe for work, although some of our regular readers might be disappointed that is isn't "exactly what it says on the tin".
( Ghoti Fingers, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 20:05, 1 reply)

Thanks to Terry Fucking Wogan
It comes to something when you are stealing Terry Wogan's material for the QOTW, but I guess it beats nicking it from Viz eh?

Anyway, he was telling the tale of some bloke who was at a Rugby team piss-up in a pub called The Plums. They'd had a skinful, obviously, and things were getting rowdy in that Rugby team sort of way. This man decided it was time to bale out so rang his Mrs to come and collect him.
He had to shout to be heard in the noisy pub and unfortunately one of those strange synchronous silences ocurred just as he bellowed the words:

"Pick me up by The Plums"

Mayhem evidently ensued.

As it did in my car, which I nearly fucking crashed when Wogan delivered the punchline. Possibly the one and only time I have found that twat in the least bit amusing.
(Rsoles, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 19:11, 2 replies)

More odd brand names and places
Fucking - A town in Austria
Twatt - A village in Scotland
Psshitt! - Spanish soft drink
Wankmeblind - A brand of sunglasses in Denmark
Hoe Rape - A rocky headland in Western Scotland
Myhugecock - A lake in Vermont
Analslagg - Danish holiday resort
Nunfisting - A small community in Manitoba
Zombie Mask - Halloween outfitters
Spunkin Mai-eye - Hawaiian restaurant
FuckmygranuptHearse - Funeral vehicle repair
Flogtheskinfrommybollocks - Mexican campsite
Gluemy Japseyes Hut - Sushi restaurant
Fuckmelikemystepdadusedto - Popular Welsh beer

and err..
ComeOnHerFace - Bukkake website.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 18:40, 3 replies)

My mother once commented after eating some cheese
'This tastes a bit goatsy'

I think I was the only person who laughed.
( WormuIus, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 18:36, 3 replies)

My mum
insists on referring to one who is less than generous with their property as a 'minge'. I am not quite sure how to broach the subject.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 17:59, 2 replies)

There's a fair bit of this online as well.
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 17:51, 9 replies)

When I met my girlfriends Mum for the first time

I was understandably nervous and to smooth over my introduction I decided to comment on her prize winning pekinese dogs.

My brain said, "Those are beatuiful dogs, do they take a lot of grooming?"

My mouth said, "Fuck me sideways with a bollard your minge is howling."

meh...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 17:36, Reply)