Schoolboy sniggers
T'was a fine evening meeting between the cadet force of the private school I used to frequent.

Gathered there, in the junior school hall, were several teenage cadets, their (occasionally) sociopathic NCOs and the (mostly for show er...very well respected) officers.

"Today we have Sergeant Whasisname talking about his job as an Aerial Erector"

The next sound was like a thousand hyenas having an orgasm.

Poor guy, I think his job is really serious as well...
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:26, 1 reply)

I always thought she had another job
A really good friend of mind had decided she wanted to buy herself a lovely new four poster bed and so was selling her old bed. I wanted one but she must have had a couple of inquiries cos when i said i would like it she replied "no way, theres a queue for my bed!" In a nice loud voice in a crowded shop! tee hee!
(hiraeth SPACE £19.99. I say yer buy one yer get one free, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:17, Reply)

Dinner
Talking to my girlfriend on the phone in the office, about what she could have for lunch, when I said "You can have my Spotted Dick if you like", wasn't meant as an innuendo at first, and the look on my Boss' face wasn't too pleasant.
(uniquestar, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:08, Reply)

This morning
WOman I work with came to work in her new hard top convertible thing.

One of the blokes came over and asked if it was her car - then said 'I didn't realise you were a top down kind of girl'......

Cue much sniggering from the rest of us.....

Her reply?

'I like driving with my top down.....'

Oh dear.
(Beklet is inexplicably angry, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:01, Reply)

There's a series
of radio adverts for Direct Flooring in Dundee and Aberdeen which are done by Julian Clary and are full of innuendo. They're on local radio all the time in these parts.

Real Audio example here.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:57, Reply)

New Zealand
Whilst making a brief, overnight trip to NZ (visa purposes from Oz, sometime March 06) I stayed at a hostel in Menagere, just down the road from Auckland airport. Being skint I was unable to do much apart from wander up and down the road. It was during one of the strolls that I saw a poster outside a newsagent displaying the headline from some newspaper or other.

It read 'VICE GIRLS GO BAREBACK'

I don't think it was anything to do with whores having unprotected sex but it didn't half me chuckle.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:56, Reply)

Chewing tail
My friend (IT geek, would doubtless have posted this already but his work blocks b3ta) was visiting a French relative with a 3-year-old daughter.

The kid had a toy rabbit, and she was chewing its tail. So my friend decided to practice his l337 GCSE French skills, asking the kid what she was up to: "tu bouffe la queue?"

...at which point the room fell silent.

Shortly afterwards, some unfortunate relative had the enviable task of explaining to my friend that he'd just asked a 3-year-old girl whether she gave oral.
(stalinism, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:47, Reply)

Helping Hand
In an office I once worked in, the boss was asking someone for assitance in producing a fairly generic report for a client.

He said (without realising)

"So, Dave, How long will it take you to knock one out?"

This was then quickly followed by:

"..because if it will take you too long, I can always give you a hand"

After about 15 minutes of laughter from around the office, we actually had to explain to our boss exactly why we were all laughing.
(chriswaddlesmullet, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:40, Reply)

I Done A Scary
Ages back, I got sent to Glasgow by the boss to sort out some network nastiness at a client's office. Having hopped off the plane, I got myself a cab and off we went.
I'd had a reminder from the boss to "make sure you get receipts for all your costs, or I'm not paying them". Bit stingy, but fair enough.
As the taxi drew up at the appointed place, my mind was playing the sample "get receipt - get receipt...".
The cabbie told me how much it was.
I replied "Could you do something on a piece of paper?"
I was lucky not to get a fish-and-chip-wrapper version of one of Scaryduck's "hot bags".
Still cringing now!
(Naughtius Maximus Stuck on the blog, desperate to log out., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:39, Reply)

Couple of ones,
One while in school.

Friend:"Sir, how many boys can you take?"
Teacher:"Pardon!?"
Friend:"In your room sir, how many free seats?"

10 mins ago.

Colleague:"Woah!"
Me:"What?"
C:"I thought that was a massive Mars Bar, but it's just the way you've squeezed it out!"

I've only just stopped laughing from that one.
(Vikingheadache, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:33, 1 reply)

I was railroaded I tells ya!
About 10 years back, first month of college, me, an old friend and our new college pal were discussing women. Rachel Leigh Cook cropped up, and a mate said 'She's one of my favourite girls at the moment.' Agreement all round, shortly followed by the statement 'She's very little though.' Me, being a gormless ass with a penchant for the shorter lady instantly fire off the now classic 'Well I quite like little girls.'

Ten years, and it still gets brought up. Bastards.
(noswalrm, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:21, Reply)

I walk past this every morning...
on my way to work...

Still makes me giggle like a loon...

www.knobshop.biz/

Hopefully one day my mental age will catch up with my physical...
(Nuclear Ninja like a radioactive Chuck Norris..., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:18, 1 reply)

Mel
Mel is from South Africa
every Monday She recounts her antics of the weekend in full gory detail.
One Monday she walked in said "hi" and then said "My friend Ben thinks he's going to lose his finger"
I tried to keep a straight face, honest I did.
(Vinegar strokes Should know better on, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:06, 2 replies)

My old boss
Was a lady who was often "puttin her foot in it"
We were all at a company quiz, and the quiz master had a speech impediment, so we were all taking the piss and lisping and slurring all over the place. She turned round and said "If I gbet wet coz you're all talking funny I wont be happy"
we had to be picked up off the floor.
(Vinegar strokes Should know better on, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:04, Reply)

My grandmother backs up onto a 3.5" floppy every night.
God help my granddad.

(Yes, I know it's as old as the hills, and probably came from here in the first place, but I'm still first on this QOTW. I think.)
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:59, Reply)

my mate
at his 21st birthday

He was giving a speech to his family, there was approx 50 people in his house all gathered round him and his cake. He was very drunk as hed been drinking all day.

The first words to his speech he mixed up and instead of saying

"thank you all for coming..."

he said

"thankyou all to cum..."

queue stiffled laughing from himself and his mates, and very confused looks on the nans face.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:51, Reply)

Playing rugby...
One of the guys on my team got sent off for getting into a fight. My mum's reasoning for him getting into the fight was:

"the other player was fisting him in the scrum"

I don't think I stopped laughing for days.

I'm even smirking now!
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:46, 2 replies)

has any one turned on
Sky - i think its Discovery H&L at around 9am.

I always used to get caught out thinking some sort of weird pornographic documentry was on as the TV listing guide read the following:

9.am the joy of pain...
9:30am the joy of pain...
etc, etc

infact it was Bob Ross's the Joy of painting, which couldnt be more different...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:46, 2 replies)

Not quite accidental
Due to it being the one I checked on my last day working for Sony, there is a PS1 game, which will forever remain nameless, that has instructions in the manual on how to use the "anal controller". I figured someone would probably notice before it went to print, but I bought a copy some years later and the "og" was still missing from the text...
(ScousersPet, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:30, 2 replies)

My best man
got to the end of his speech and said "I'll stop now - last night Ruddles told me he wanted me up and down as quickly as possible" and the room erupted into laughter.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:25, Reply)

Double double entendre.
A while ago I shared a house with 4 friends and we'd all been down the pub on a Friday night where we had been joined by my girlfriend. We all went back to ours and stood around in the lounge drinking further beers and flicking through the channels on the telly. This was in channel 5's early days when there was a regular supply of smut aired on a Friday night and the '5' button was being selected a disproportionate amount as we watched 5 channels at once. As we watched TV we were wisecracking at the awfulness of the shows we were seeing - aided by the amount of ale we had imbibed over the course of the evening. Only one such comment can I remember and it was one my girlfriend made (she's now my wife if anyone's interested!). Having just had a lingering look at channel 5's soft-as-mr-Floppy-porn and laughed ourselves silly at it the channel was changed to another film, this one set in Victorian England. On the screen there was a lady dressed up for going out in Winter with a big coat and hat on and her hands inserted into one of those fur tube things. Out of my girlfriends mouth came the words, "Oooo, she's got a big muff." Cue 4 slightly pissed blokes collapsing in fits of laughter for what seemed like ages and a huffy looking girlfriend. Eventually one of us regained enough control to say to her, "I bet you're glad you said that aren't you?" to which she replied, "Yeah. Dead chuffed." and the room erupted again.


She still hates it when I tell that story.
(beer, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:19, Reply)

Indian restaurant in Manchester ...
Called 'GayLord'

Enuf said.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:09, 3 replies)

Accidental out-u-end-o
Paddy say, "Turty tree and a turd" uh-huh-huh


apologies - I just wanted to play
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:08, Reply)

I've just thought of another pun.
And frankly, you should have seen it coming.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 11:58, 3 replies)

Not strictly accidental...
But this was my opening line in a best man's speech at a wedding:
"So this morning, just before we arrived at the church, I was nervously fingering Dave's ring.."
Half the room cracked up, the other half (grannies etc.) stared blankly and couldn't understand what was so funny...
( Biffins Bridge, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 11:42, 2 replies)

Gusset
Re-inforced envelopes are referred to as having a strong gusset (settle down at the back there).

I managed to get my Financial Director to state that he needed gussetted envelopes.

I laughed till I stopped.

Regards,
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 11:30, Reply)

Pop!
We were walking in the Lakes a few years ago and saw some paragliders setting up on the top of the hill. It wasn't particularly windy and I think they were struggling to get going.
My mad aunt then stepped towards them, opened her arms and shouted, "come on then, I'll suck you all off"
She still didn't realise what she'd said after we'd dragged her away and stopped laughing a week later.
First time.... be gentle!
(jrabrfc, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 10:57, Reply)

first ever question of the week.
A couple of years back whilst out doing man shopping (looking at tv's stereos etc) with my mates, my friend Mike decided he needed to get new curtains or his missus would kill him. So off we trot to the curtain shop and and find this lovely old lady to help him find suitable stuff.

this is the best bit the first thing the old lady said was "so sonny, how big is your pole?" now i don't think i have ever seen 5 grown men be reduced to giggling schoolboys so fast. we ran in 5 diferent directions and when we though we were all out of earshot broke down into fits of laughter. then when we calmed down all we heard from the old lady was "oh grow up"

she didn't see the funny side and neither did mike as we left him stranded on his own trying not to laugh.
(D-Fenz Who put bacon in the soap?, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 10:36, 2 replies)

does this count?
on saturday night i was in town for a couple of pints with my sister and one of my mates, the first pub we went into was full of under-age people so we didnt hang around. in the second place we went to (the market tavern, if you ever find yourself in atherstone and want some good ale i reccomend it) we were sat drinking when a young girl (probably 12ish) walks in, my sister says "now she is definitely under-age"

i replied by grabbing my crotch and saying "i reckon she is just the right age"

it goes without saying that my sister and my friend were horrified (though they still laughed) and so was the bloke sat at the table next to us
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 10:31, Reply)

Free loft insulation
Our local council were offering free loft insulation, but when my mum rang up to register for it she was told by the young guy on the end of the phone that she wasn't eligible as our loft ceiling was too low for workmen to walk around under. When mum said to the guy that she'd thought they used the stuff that they spray into loft cavities, he replied 'sorry, we're not doing blow jobs at the moment' - cue mum pissing herself laughing, a short silence on the end of the phone before the poor guy hung up.
(libbyloo <insert cool quote and pretend I came up with it>, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 10:20, Reply)