D's G reminded me
A bloke I know from Shetland, has a t-shirt with the legend 'Just Knackered' on it, and a cartoon of himself lying comatose.

He wore it in New York, when over there on a musical trip. Unfortunately, the word 'knackered' in the US apparently means 'castrated'.

You can imagine the funny looks he got.

_{Loon, Citadel, etc - is this indeed the case?}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:40, 3 replies)

Birthday present.
At work I mentioned in passing that it was my wife's birthday.
I said that "As it is her big 4-0 I'm going to give her a pearl necklace."
"You cheap bastard, you could get her some jewellery." was the reply.

Unfortunately I didn't know when to stop digging and went on with
"They're not salty water pearls, they're fresh."

Bugger.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:39, Reply)

Apologies if it was b3tan...
But I remember reading somewhere about a secretary proof-reading her bosses correspondence with a client before sending it out, recently after an error had been made.

The first line read:

"Sorry for the cock-up my end..."

Pretty sure it was on here before but had me laughing!
(gin'll fix it, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:38, Reply)

Another one, this time, on topic...
...here at the wonders on work, there is a project manager who I will call "B", so I will not lose my job.

Anywho, our company deals with data transmission for customers sites so we can create reports from them. But, B, in his infinite wisdom, doesn't use the phrase "data transmission" like any normal person. Oh no, what does he use? That's right, he uses "data squirt" instead.

This always brings a smirk to our faces when he uses this terminology. But, what really ensues fits of laughter and tears...?

When B refers to the two different types of sites as "squirters" and "non-squirters". That's right, according to him, all our sites have the ability to "squirt".
(ShaunyBoi has been surviving fires since, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:37, Reply)

Tesicular lumps
This is part serious… A few years ago I discovered a bit of a lump in one of my magic love beans. I left it for a bit, but then it started to become a tad painful – a kind of lingering, dragging pain that was sharply emphasised if you so much as lifted your leg to fart. So I did what any health conscious young chap would do, and took myself off to the doctor to get it checked out.

First appointment was just a check up. With a rather attractive young lady doctor. Crap. So I’m lying there, while she has a bit of a poke and a rub around the area in question. After what seemed an eternity, she declares that whilst she doesn’t think it’s anything to be concerned about, she’d better palm me off on a consultant to have an ultrasound.

The consultant turns out to be another attractive, young, lady doctor, who proceeds to do the same routine, only this time with the added bonus of a cold metal instrument and a jelly-like substance. Joy. However, the conclusion is the same. It’s nought but a cyst, that will probably stay there and flare up from time to time, but if there is any major change, make another appointment.

A few weeks later, and I’m round at the sweary one’s parents for dinner. Sweary Senior is a dry old sod at the best of times. Mid-way through dinner, he asks me, perfectly straight-faced, “So, Davros, when you thought it might be cancer, did the doctors manage to straighten things out, or did they just give you a load of bollocks”?

“Oh no, they were straight up with me about it”.

“Well that’s good. Are you OK? You look a bit knackered”.

“I’m fine. Just feeling a bit testy is all”.

Etc.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:36, 5 replies)

Tunnel of Love
Once, at work, we were discussing how hot the underground system in London gets during the summer.

One of the people taking part in the discussion, who just so happened to be gay, mentioned that he had never been on the underground when it was hot.

To which my colleague, without flinching, said

"You mean you've never sat on a sweaty tube?"
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:36, 2 replies)

K2k6 reminds me
of the Burn's tune "Cock up your Beaver". I wanted that as my wedding processional.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:34, 3 replies)

There's an old Scottish traditional tune
called 'Jock Wilson's Ball', referring of course to a formal dance organised by Mr Wilson.

More recently a musician wrote a complementary tune, and called it 'Jock Wilson's Other Ball'.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:34, Reply)

Whilst working on the house
last year with my other half and my flatmate, my flatmate unfortunately backed into a protuding part of the branded workbench that was placed behind him at the time.

Yup, he had the workmate's knob up his arse
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:33, Reply)

I think this counts too....
I've just got back from Rockness at the weekend, we were camping there for 3 nights. It was ace, but anyway.....
Around the festival there were various amenities, all of which were signposted. "Toilet" proclaimed one sign. "Water" proclaimed another. And on one hilarious occasion, both must have been in close proximity to one another.

There was a massive sign just along from the main stage that proclaimed "Toilet Water", prompting me to nudge random strangers all weekend and say "I won't be going anywhere near that stall" with a glum look on my face.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:33, Reply)

I suspect that
apeloverage's jokes won't even be noticed this week, and that length jokes will seem redundant...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:32, 4 replies)

Not mine...
...but a female friend asked at the cinema extortion snack shack if she could have some COCKPORN...

teh filthy strumpet
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:31, Reply)

My work is full of innuendo at the best of times
but one of the girls seems to add more than her fair share - all in perfect innocence.

The other week, she'd been off for a couple of days and someone else had been sitting at her desk.

She sat down, went to put her handbag away and announced

"Oh no, who left this sticky mess in my drawers?"

Several minutes later we discovered that she was referring to some toffee wrappers.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:30, Reply)

There must be something in the air today
I just went to the shop to grab some beers having read lots of todays posts,

As I was leaving, I let the dorr shut behind me, not realising that a fella was just leaving the shop behind me. I went to the door and pushed it open for him, he had a buggy with him, and said:

"Sorry mate, I didn't realise you were coming out."
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:29, Reply)

slightly off topic...
A few days ago my boyfriend asked me "Is there such thing as an outtuendo?" Surely the answer is "No, don't be stupid" or "That would break the time-space continuum" but still I'm interested! It would probably mean something along the lines of "something seemingly so sexual that it no longer seems sexual and just a normal comment" or something like that! Any ideas or examples b3tards?
(deadly_sinners, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:28, 3 replies)

I just asked
the busty girl sitting next to me..

"Do you like salami, i do, but it can be a bit smelly"


without batting an eyelid
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:28, Reply)

My dear old mum
was a very proper person. She never used "bad" swear words, apart from one time she called my ex a bastard and she whispered it, her limit was "shit". Talk about sex of any kind was unheard of and she became really angry one time when I declared I was going to the toilet to "have a shengis". I was 20 and she chased me with a rolled up newspaper.

All of this just made it even funnier when she innocently stumbled into some sexual innuendo.

She did the main QOTW one once with my best mate, having had new windows put in and the front one being cracked. "Oh Eddie, have you seen my big crack?"

But her best by far was when I lived down the street. She used to visit me most nights while walking the dog for a chat, my Dad works evenings so she'd usually have something to eat cooking away for him coming home. Sometimes, it would be chicken thighs.

This led to the best one I ever heard her say. She sprang off the couch with a look of surprise on her face. "Oh NO!" she shouted, "I need to go! Your dad's thighs will be burning!"

I collapsed.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:26, Reply)

Just last week in fact
.
I walked into the photocopying room to find my boss and his boss trying with little success to load paper into the copier.

"Ah, here's WeeWitch. I'm sure she'll be able to take it in hand and get it in properly"

To which I said "Not without gloves I won't"

It took about five seconds for the penny to drop ...
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:25, 1 reply)

It's a touch off-topic...
It's not exactly an innuendo, but when my Dad was a teacher, he used to call disruptive pupils twats. He had no idea what it meant.

Bless 'im.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:25, 1 reply)

I helped a friend assemble a chainsaw to do
some tree works on her property.

I still love to think about inserting my groove bar into her muffler.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:24, Reply)

KFC en España
If you are in Spain, feeling particularly hungry and spy a juicy looking KFC. Never ever ask for a grande polla .

Just dont do it OK?
(Miggyman, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:23, 1 reply)

this is your life
My parent's 25th wedding anniversary, mum's 50th birthday, My Graduation and my 21st birthday called for a massive family party last summer. we had the family round from England, Ireland and Austria and it was really good fun.

My Sister who was phenomenal in organising the whole thing presented me with a red photo album "this is your life" style, with a load of pictures of me with funny captions.

I got to the pic of my with a fishing net the time I was certain I would catch a whale next to a picture of me with crabs after a succesfull crab-fishing trip in ireland.

So, in my greatful stupidity, I uttered the now immortal words

"aah, that's when I wanted to catch a whale, but I caught crabs instead"

In front of the entire family.

I will NEVER hear the end of this.
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:23, 1 reply)

Driving into town
On a hot summers day last year with a close friend, she noticed a police car parked at the side of the road in the distance.

After slowing down appropriately, she noticed the guy in the car behind was annoyed by this and proceeded to drive right behind her, hoping that she'd speed up and allow him to reach his distance that little bit quicker.

After a half a minute of this, and becoming unnerved by it, my friend uttered the immortal line:

"I wish this dick would get out of my arse!"

We were both unable to drive due to laughter...
(gin'll fix it, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:21, Reply)

Madone's has reminded me of one
I was out with a young lady of my aquaintance, when an elderly Mancunian gentleman passed us by, barely in control of his frankly fucking huge Alsatian. The young lady shied away from the mutt, but the gentleman attempted to reassure me of the animal's placid nature:

"Its alright, he won't bite yer, cock" *

To which my response was the only logical one available:

"What about the rest of me?"



*Some elderly Lancastrians use cock, or cocker as a form of address. Much hilarity results from them asking: "Have you got the time on yer, cock?"
"No, but I've got a calendar on my arse" etc.
(BeAst - did it wrong on:, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:21, Reply)

Learning about basic hydraulics years ago
When I was in forestry school, I was in a course that was about building parks. So we had a section on plumbing and sanitary facilities, and the sewage part of the lessons featured, of course, a lot of shit jokes. The teacher was a rather rough-around-the-edges woman named Cathy, and she put up with a fair bit of our wisecracks.

Then we got to the part about plumbing.

For those of you who have never dealt with such things, a critical number to know is how far up a given pump can push a column of water- after all, you don't want an undersized pump that's not strong enough to get water to the sink. While pressure is expressed in pounds per square inch (or in Pascals over there, I suppose), pump pressure is often expressed in how many feet of water it can push. The term for this is "head". So a pressure drop in a system due to friction in the pipes or constrictions or whatever is known as "head loss", and of course there are other related terms- "required head", "minimum necessary head", and so on.

Cathy started out by telling us that anyone who made head jokes during the class would fail for the day. So we were struggling to keep our composure as she lectured us on all these terms, and generally succeeded.

She started doing an example problem on the board, saying that given this set of circumstances, you'd need this much head to achieve this much pressure, and so on. Therefore you'd need a pump capable of?...

Silence.

"Come on, guys, it's right here on the board! Three times twenty three equals?... Anybody?"

Strained silence.

"Sixty nine."

We all fell apart and she stood glowering for a moment before it clicked- and then she turned crimson and had to leave the room.

Class was done for the day.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:20, Reply)

Car part hilarity
My housemate had just got a large box of assorted car bits from ebay and was happily rumaging through them in the lounge with another car mad friend. I returned from my smoke and sat down on the sofa, commenting there was something in the sofa to which he replied

"Oh you must have just sat on my knob!"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:20, Reply)

Years ago
I worked in an office with basement car-parking. A new card entry system (ooo er) had been introduced, and was causing problems. So HR sent round a memo clarifying how to get in (and another).

The memo read

"To ensure an easy entry, you have to push it in as far as it will go and wiggle it around a little"

They had no idea of the hilarity that caused ...
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:19, 3 replies)

The drugs don't work
When I was 17 me and a few mates used to go round Darren's house every Friday night. Everyone has a place like Darren's when they're 17, where due to absent or bizarrely tolerant parents you can settle down in front of the telly to experiment with drugs and alcohol.

Anyway, one happy December night Darren managed to score a few microdots, and despite some initial reservations we were soon tripping our little nuts off.

Now, I should tell you that this was around the time the Baltic states were seceding from the former Soviet Union, and there was a news report on the T.V. about the big fear that the area would descend into anarchy.

This formed the backdrop for the most realistic hallucination I've ever had before or since. I convinced myself I was riding a reindeer through Estonia as part of a peacekeeping force. As I galloped through the war torn capital in my blue helmet, it was only the surefootedness of my trusty antlered steed that saved me from certain death.

Eventually the lysergic effects gradually receded and reality crept back in, and I realised that I had passed out in the alley behind the house. And despite multiple attempts over the intervening years I've never managed to recreate the vividness of that midnight ride in Darren's back passage.







Yes, I'll never forget my acid den Tallinn U.N. doe.











Well I know it was painful but it's my first time, what do you expect?
( Frunobulax Here Fido..., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:18, 3 replies)

For the musicians...
The fantastic day Electro Harmonix set us up for a lifetime of bad jokes by naming their new fuzz pedal the 'Big Muff'

(while setting up the gear at a band rehearsal)
"Dave, got your muff with you today?"

"Nah, sorry, left her at home..."

still hasn't gotten old though, and the big muff's been around since the 70's
(442, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:17, 3 replies)