Panini?
Mother: Son, your Spaghetti Bolognese is cooked but you just need to warm up your poonani.

JB: Err? That sounds like the best tea ever! Cheers, Mum!
(Jazzybmzoo, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:17, 1 reply)

when I was young and innocent
I used to work as a hospital porter. I was young, female, and supremely naive, and worked with a team of 6 middle aged Glaswegian men, all of whom had filthier minds than the average b3tan.
So when I was doing my usual Saturday shift, I checked with them if I was still to sit at reception to cover them serving dinners on the wards.
Perhaps saying
'Do you still want me on the desk at 4.30?' wasn't the best way of putting it.

They still mock me about 10 years on whenever I go back to see them.
( ascorbate, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:16, Reply)

Heehee
I used to work in the Planning Department of a local council, and apart from sniggering every day at the word 'erection', I once nearly pissed myself laughing as I overheard a colleague talking to someone on the phone about how their neighbour had been staring at her front area, because we'd given them permission to trim her bush.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:15, 1 reply)

I have recently knackered my wrist.
Yes, my right wrist has sustained some sort of injury - I don't know whether it's from trying to handle a hefty load, or a repetitive strain injury, but it's left it a lot weaker, even to the point where some days I have to type one-handed.

For the sake of what little dignity I have left, I'm glad I'm left-handed...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:15, Reply)

My mother
For her birthday a few months ago, I got my mum a hand-held massager. One of those things that you hold against your neck when your husbands too bloody lazy to give you a decent massage.

The last time I saw her she thanked me for the wonderful vibrator I got her.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:10, 4 replies)

My teacher who was a tosser.
Back in the college days, we had a tutor who was a bit of a character. Though he never realised what the word Toss meant. Infact the term Tosser in his vocab meant someone who was a slacker and didnt do any work.

So as we're sat pratting around on the net, he screams at the top of his voice "WILL YOU STOP TOSSING IT OFF!!?"

In a classroom, to underagers and he's screaming at them to stop performing sexual acts on themselves.... hmmm.

Length?. Dunno.
(Miggyman, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:09, Reply)

Ooops!
I used to work night shift in residential care of the elderly and we had a sudden death.

When this happens the police are called as routine.

I went into the office to look for the girl I was working with and found a W.P.C. writing out a report...I turned around and said "Have you seen my partner in crime?" Gulp!
(Antizan Doling out the happy pills...., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:09, Reply)

After meeting saome friends on the way into the cinema after buying drinks and munchies...
"Oh, is that a straw in your pocket?"

"Nope, just happy to see you"
(442, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:08, Reply)

Fast food
I like going to KFC.

Once you've worked your way up the leg, and finished nibbling the tender breast, you're left with a greasy box to put your bone in.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:08, Reply)

Grandmas; the worst
Easy one this; one Christmas, as usual everyone in the family and beyond sat round the table stuffing ourselves with all the goodies you get in a hoooooge Christmas diner. A good time had by all.

After finishing up everything, christmas pud and all, we're sat around wondering what to do next. Someone suggests we go for a walk, but mother protests, to be heard above the general chorus of agreement "Not until I've boned the turkey!" (emphasis hers).
An unnatural silence is ushered in as we all realise A how that sounded, and B we were thinking the same thing. A monocle is dropped into a brandy. A dog howls in the distance. Mum glares at just about everyone.

And Grandma starts to snigger; triggering a tortuous attempt at suppressing my own guffaws. Yes, my grandma sniggering at the idea of my very own mother boning a turkey with a strap-on (one would presume is how).

We have our walk in stony silence. Grandma's are the worst, I swear.

Length? I've never checked.
( slippery doctore, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:06, Reply)

Removals company around Kingston-upon-T

Called "Humpit removals."

Slogan? "We'll hump anything!"

I think they know more than they're letting on...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:06, Reply)

Apparently
a satisfactory camping trip entails getting a good stiff erection,parting the flaps,then slipping into the old bag......
( strictlyrockers hasnt been on here for ages, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:03, 3 replies)

Maybes slightly off topic
...but when I was about 6 or 7 years old, for christmas I got a Lego Technics race car to build, and if any of you remember those days of proper Technics, you'll know the amount of detail everything was built too.

Anywho, while assembling part of the engine with the help of my dad, and his mate at the time, there was a part of the engine I didn't quite know what it was or what it did.

"Dad, what's this part?", I say.

"That is a piston. Do you know what a piston does?", my dad asks.

Being young, and not having a clue, I deliberate for a moment or two before responding...

"Does it piss?"

To this response, my dad bursts out laughing in fits of laughter, practically hitting the floor with tears streaming down his face to such response. As for my dads mate, my dad tells me he's never seen anyone turn that shade of grey before.

It's about the only cock-up from my childhood that I find funny myself.
(ShaunyBoi has been surviving fires since, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:01, Reply)

Fat Bear reminds me...
I used to be in the Birmingham University fencing team. The women's squad had a T-shirt printed with the slogan "Fencers do it with a three-foot weapon."


It wasn't funny then, and it's less funny now.

I'll stop wasting your time, shall I?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:59, 8 replies)

Still laugh at this:
Sitting the Rochdale to Manchester train, 2 large breasted local shaglets get on the train and sit in front of me.

One girl says to the ticket man "2 to Oldham", which is funny in itself. When the ticket man asked "Are you going to Oldham together?" I was in bits...

It's grim up north.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:59, 2 replies)

I have a classic here..
This was a while ago. Back in my 16th year I was off for a few weeks on a martial arts summer school thing. Camping in a field behind a pub, spending my days beating up people and my nights running riot pretending I was older than 16, you all know the score!

Either way, I'd made friends with a really cool Aussie in his early twenties whom we shall call Adrian, for that was his name and to buggery with it if he finds out I wrote this!

So, one day Adrian's flipflop broke. So after practice while we were all milling about like lost penguins in the desert, Adrian announces loudly that he is going into town if anyone wants to go along. Because his thong is broken and he needs to buy some Durex to fix it up.

He then looked dazed and confused at the open mouthed silence eminating from a once vibrant courtyard before someone deigned to put the poor bloke out of his misery and explained. I have never seen an Aussie go so red!

And even now, eight years on, I have this marvellous mental image of a strappingly handome Australian wearing only a small, broken g-string patched together with a (hopefully) unused condom..

Magic!
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:58, Reply)

'Can you plug this in for me?'
'You do it, i can't reach the hole'

Just one of the many i accidentally utter.
( Scrambled Edd www.eddsworld.co.uk, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:58, Reply)

Panama (c)anal
A friend of mine had just returned from a year living in a small village in Central America, where she’d gone to get away from the rat race and decide what she wanted to do with her life. On her return, she came to visit and we went out for what turned into a very liquid lunch. Halfway down the third bottle of fizz, she was telling me the story of the local man she’d met and fallen in love with. He was separated from his wife and child and wanted her to stay in the village and move in with him. She was *this* close to giving it all up and moving there permanently when a chance encounter with his heavily pregnant and seemingly still current wife made her realize that she was being taken for a mug.

The slurred and incredibly loud conversation we had about this went thus;

“He told me he was separated. Separated! Separated, my arse…”

Stunned silence.

“Separated your arse?”

2 years on and the word “separated” can still leave either one of us in paroxysms of giggles.

It’s not exactly Oscar Wilde is it?
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:57, 2 replies)

I've just remembered another ......
A little background first (pay attention, you'll need it later); One of the guys in the office had the annoying habit of referring to people as 'cock', it sounds bad but it's not an unusual phrase here in the North.

So, one particular day our boss had returned from a trip to Mansfield and mentioned in passing that he didn't like being referred to as 'duck' a phrase that the people of Mansfield apprently use quite a lot, to which the only lady (Marj) in the office replied "It's almost as bad as Norman's cock", she didn't realise what she had said at first but the looks on our faces soon made her realise!

That was about 4 years ago and we still don't let her forget it!

Length? I don't know, you'd have to ask Marjorie.
(Vauxhall Burgundy, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:56, Reply)

Ooo. I love innuendo, so I've already been giggling like a loon.
Once, I'd recently started a new job and was getting to know all the people - including the rather lovely student placement, who sat opposite me. I was still a little shy around her - and most of my new colleagues - at this time. Finding my feet. Wondering what the intellectual level of the office was - and what sort of jokes were appreciated.

We got talking about fencing, which I was heavily into at the time (less so now). No, it's not the obvious sword innuendos - although those are great.

She asked how expensive the equipment was (very), and if it was difficult to maintain. "No, I just shove it all in the washing machine when I'm done", I said.

"And how often do you clean your helmet?"

Silence. Explosive giggles from all around. Ah. *that* is the level of the office...

Loved that job.
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:56, Reply)

Bit of a mouthful
Last week a fella asked me if I'd like to suck on a Fisherman's Friend. Turned out it wasn't actually an innuendo so he missed out on a blow job.


Edit: good heavens, that's the second time I've come on top of Enzyme today.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:56, 3 replies)

Foamy
As you drive into Machester, shortly after the M56 becomes Princess Road, there's a car-wash that advertises itself as providing the best hand-job in the North.

To cap it off, it's in Chorlton - or, in full, Chorlton-cum-Hardy.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:54, 1 reply)

My local supermarket has a wonderful offer.

(Zigmund can't think of anything good., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:53, Reply)

My Grandma
has a wonderful turn of phrase.

She's trying to convince me that my boyfriend and I should get engaged before I move abroad for 2 years without him - otherwise he'll leave me, and find himself a new woman etc etc.

So she said to me on the phone:
'Personally I don't trust any man until he's taken me up the aisle'.

I had to hang up and phone her back a few hours later once the mirth had subsided.
( ascorbate, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:51, 1 reply)

At Work a few years back
there was a terrifically camp man, who was also gay, that sat across the aisle in the island nest to me.

One day he receives a phone call from his boyfriend, and they start having a little tiff with each other about him wanting to go out more, and his boyfriend never wanting to. At which point he uttered the immortal line:

"I'm so sick of it! All we do every night is sit in front of the TV eating nuts and cheese!"

Cue stifled laughter in a rather quiet office from everyone around him.
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:51, Reply)

Humph.
Record researcher Samantha has made one of her customary visits to the gramaphone library, where she runs errands for the kindly old archivists, such as nipping out to fetch their sandwiches. There favourite treat is cheese with homemade chutney, but they never object when she palms them off with relish.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:51, 4 replies)

Only 5 minutes ago
Having just asked what I keep laughing at the person sitting next to me absent-mindedly turns to her boss and, in response to his complaints that he had too much to carry, says "don't worry, I'll hold your nuts for you".

I didn't even get the opportunity to tell her I was laughing at a selection of stories about innuendo...
( Moey, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:50, Reply)

A pun and an inneundo all at once
A post-dinner conversion with friends, including one very lovely and very Catholic girl whom we shall call 'A', turned towards the prevention of accidental sprogging. 'B' weighed in with "It's in the book of Job*, bum sex equals no babies", whereupon 'C' turned to 'A' and asked "Haven't you ever heard of that passage?"

* or possibly some other book
(Dr. Scambolic, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:49, Reply)

i had a lecture in my first year of uni
about glucose, i just couldnt help myself from giggling a bit every time the lecturer uttered the magic words "ring structure" my friend sat next to me however, didnt see the funny side
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:49, Reply)