Old ladies are the best for this.
Mom was out playing golf one day with three of her friends- Toni, Peggy and Pat. At the time they were all in their late fifties and were well past the age of really caring much what people thought of them.

Apparently Toni had sliced pretty badly and her ball landed in the woods. After some hunting around she found it, nestled into the leaves and twigs.

Just about that time Peggy took her second swing on the fairway, having landed a bit short of Toni's shot, and sliced as well to land in a sand trap. She was annoyed and cursed.

Apparently it sounded like this:

Toni: "God damn it, look at this! What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"

Peggy (not hearing Toni's grousing and seeing her own lousy shot) "Gah! Piss on it!"

Toni(hearing Peggy clearly): "Great idea! That counts as a water hazard!"

Mom was still giggling when she arrived home.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:55, 6 replies)

doulbe post but:
My favourite football commentator line ever is from an England v Germany game.

"Germany has the ball. Kuntz." (for that was the name of a German footballer)
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:51, Reply)

in A level chemistry
my teacher had to keep telling us to grow up while attempting to teach us about chemical bondage bonding

although he thought it was funny too
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:50, Reply)

Parent !!!!!
My dear mother (mid 50's relativly normal) decided mid conversation with my very worldly younger aunt that "I am right into this teabagging thingy it's great and doesn't cost all that much for the equipment..."

Turns out that teabagging is ALSO an arts and craft type thingy involving paper and glue.

It brings a tear to my eyes and my therapist says it's going to go from my mind soon.
(ELDAR, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:50, 1 reply)

Years ago
I bumped into a mate after a night clubbing (he;d gone somewhere else). He saw I was eating a kebab and proceeded to ask for some with the imortal line:

"Can I have some of your kebab mate? I'm dying to get a bit of meat inside me"
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:49, 1 reply)

I make no apologies for this
Straight from 'Wake up to Wogan' - a Janet and John tale. Full of innuendo.


John learns how to be a journalist.
John is not a Journalist. John reads the news. Journalists make it up.

John is on a conversion course.

Do you know what a conversion course is?

A conversion course is something you do when you want to be taken seriously.

John is not taken seriously. People point and laugh. Poor John.

For his homework, John has to have dinner and some wine in a restaurant, and then write all about it.

If he writes a nice story, he will get six gold stars. Lucky John.

John's friend Alan knows all about food and wine. Paint Alan's nose red.

Alan suggests a nice restaurant near Waterloo bridge.

John looks worried.

'What's the matter John?', says Alan.

John says 'I have to take someone with me, but I don't know who to ask'. See John blub.

'There there', says Alan. 'I will ask Amanda on reception, I've heard that she will do anything for a nice meal'. Kind Alan.

John and Amanda go to the restaurant. Do you think Oxo is a funny name for a restaurant?

John is very excited. John likes his food. Amanda is a bit nervous as the restaurant is on the 8th floor and she is afraid of heights.

While they wait to be served John gets Amanda some wine and she soon feels better.

Soon the waiter arrives with the food. John gobbles down his dinner. See Amanda picking bits of food out of her hair.

Soon it is time to go. Amanda does not have enough money to pay for both meals so John makes up the difference. Do you know what a hairy old skinflint is? Amanda does.

When John gets home, Janet asks what he did at work today.

'Today I was behaving like a journalist'. I took our receptionist out for a treat.

Alan said he wanted Amanda Ryder on the desk in reception because she would do anyone a favour. We went to a very nice place to eat. But Amanda needed a few drinks because she'd never been taken up the Oxo Tower before and was a bit nervous. Afterwards she said that she would suggest it to her boyfriend.

Can you hit a moving target with a four-slice toaster? Janet can. See Janet chase John.

Run John, run.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:46, 4 replies)

Too many people
are saying "we should follow through...."

folks,come on it's "follow up"!!!
( Signify, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:45, Reply)

The White and Black Should Never Be Together
One sunny day I was strolling up the road telling my girlfriend about the game of pool I played last night. 'I played really well and was going to win, but I played a foul on the last shot and so lost the game'.

My girlfriend, not being a font of knowledge on pool didn't understand and so she asked me to explain how I could have lost the game on the final shot. Just as I began explaining, unbenownst to me, a couple was walking down the same side of the road. The gentleman was a large black fellow and his ladyfriend was of the white skinned persuasion. I have no issues with this. However in all innocence this was probably not a good time to say 'I potted the white and black together', could be tenuiously offensive to some militant types I guess. But my girlfriend still didn't understand, so just as the large fella was no more than 2 feet in front of us I said 'No, you can't have the white and black together, they should never be together'.

The stare the bloke gave me was scary as hell.

I don't play that much pool anymore.
(eddieheadache, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:44, Reply)

just in from /talk
www.b3ta.com/talk/5038837
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:44, Reply)

Restaurant...
There are a small number of Caribbean restaurants in New Cross, Lewisham etc called... 'Cumming Up'!

Nice...
(hit me with your jesus stick, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:44, 1 reply)

Watching a local Ladies Football Match
(Well, sometimes you have to !)

Two players collide and one gets her knee nicely sliced open.

"Oooh !" says my mate "She's got a Nasty Gash"
"Yep, and now she's got a badly cut knee too !"
says me.
Cue falling around giggling !
( The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:43, Reply)

The last time I saw this pool it was full of children.

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:42, Reply)

road signage on my way home
I always misread it as "CONGEALED ENTRANCE"

And I always giggle.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:40, 1 reply)

.
when i played the classical guitar i had the book of fingering, very useful it was.
Also my high school was called manhood and i now work 4 virgin so at my birthday the virgins meet manhood for the first time! It was a messy night.
(xlux, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:38, Reply)

Has anyone mentioned Trevor McDonald yet?
And the complaints he got after he said something on the news about the "Cunt Kentryside"?
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:38, Reply)

I was being trained on a new computer system at w*rk yesterday
My colleague who was demoing it is quite straight-laced, not quite schoolma'am but certainly not the most broad-minded of people.

So, this new software has a screen with 2 windows on screen: the top one is for looking at patient information, and the bottom one is for inputting data. Or, as she put it:

"Remember - you view in the top and you do in the bottom!"

It wasn't that funny really, but by about the 16th time of repetition I was starting to have to cover my grin =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:37, Reply)

My extremely homophobic mate...
While sat having a joint with my mate, he uttered an absolute classic.
I went to throw away the end but he took it off me before I let it fly.

“You scruffy cunt!!! There’s fuck all left on it"

"Yeah but, Where I see a red end....."

There was a pause, as if it had been pre scripted, adding to the suspense. I actually thought it would be too good to be true for him to say this but he did (too stoned realise I suppose)

"....I smoke it!!!!"

What made it was the fact that he is really homophobic and the fact that he said it with such pride and honour, like he was some mighty macho man smoking the roach.
(tedalaki - Like Purple Aki but better, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:29, Reply)

And another
I was in my friend's bathroom the other day and noticed their extractor fan was made by "manrose".
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:28, Reply)

My ex-wife's father was from Cambridge...
...so every year he used to make a point of watching the boat race, and cheering for Cambridge.

So, one year we're all at my (then) brother-in-law's house watching the race, and then the medal ceremony etc.

"Look at the size of those blokes" pipes up father-in-law "and their tiny cox".

I sniggered first, and then everyone joined in. It remains the best accidental joke I've ever heard =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:27, 1 reply)

Sucking
I tend to suck things I'm meant to bite and bite things I'm meant to suck.
(lei, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:26, 1 reply)

Just thought of some more!
Studying chemistry is amazing:

"Backside attack"

"HOMO"

"Bond cleavage"

and my personal favourite:

"Orange mother liquor"

Also being a violin player I've had years of fingering and G-strings.

EDIT: I forgot ring strain!
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:22, 2 replies)

Idiotic innuendo
Not strictly on-topic, but I once made a complete fool of myself in an electronics shop. I went in to buy a 9-pin plug to connect up to a serial port, and found myself having the following occasion with the 6ft4 Hells Angel behind the counter:

Me: "Can I have a 9-pin male connector please?"
Him: "This one?"
Me: "No, the other one."
Him: "But that's female."
Me: "No it's not!"
Him: "Erm, yes it is. Do I really need to explain this to you?"

Let me explain my reasoning. When plugging it in, the solid, sticky-out bit of the plug goes into the hollow, sticky-in bit of the socket.

But apparently, the terminology applies to the pins of the plug. We spent half an hour arguing this matter. Well how was I supposed to know?


When I was 6, I also used to refer to 'Squire' bass guitars as 'Squirt'. Incessently. And never could work out why my music teacher got so annoyed.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:21, 3 replies)

There were a couple of cafés in Cathays in Cardiff
called The Warm As Toast

I can't quite remember clearly, but they either had an acronym on the sign outside, or the words were lined up so you could read an acronym of it.

one was big and the other small.

we would frequently say "I'll meet you at the big twat"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:21, Reply)

Well recently
I've taken to trying to make people stumble into innuendos deliberately.

One of the best recently involved good old 'yer maw' and 'yer face' jokes:

"That's a bit harsh."
"Your face is a bit harsh."
"Yer maw's a bit harsh."
"Yer maw's a bit harsh on the face....Oh wait, hang on...."
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:20, 1 reply)

I didn't know what a double entendre was, so I asked my friend for an example. So, they gave me one.
(5347, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:20, 1 reply)

Where in the world...?
PC World... is where my Mum used to work.

She didn't clean her sandwich box out properly after having Tuna sandwiches the day before. As the odour was affecting her enjoyment of the ham sandwich she was eating, she boldy inquired in the staff room:

"Everyone come and have a smell of my box - it stinks of fish!".

It had to be explained to her.

Bloody Welshies.
(bob T builder, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:19, Reply)

Knut
My mate Steve and I spent three days without sleep trying to finish a database group project at Uni, and we were both teetering on the edge of sanity.

After washing a handful of Pro-Plus down with a few litres of Coca-Cola, we were just managing to stay both awake and sensible, when Knut, our six-foot-something, mountain-climbing viking group leader, strides in, at which point Steve starts purposely mispronouncing his name, and giggling crazily.

Fairly used to this by now, Knut just grins, and in his deep, heavily-accented Scandinavian voice, booms "HURR HURR HURR, STEVE, I THINK YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COCK TODAY!"

Fifteen years on, neither of us think Knut ever worked out why we were utterly incapable after that.
(Damp Eddie, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:19, 2 replies)

I'm sure I have more
but the only one I can think of is my uncle Sandy, the worlds most hilarious person.

He has a fondness for dexy's midnight runners, and naively attempted to search for one of his favourite songs on his new fangled limewire.

A search for "Come on Eileen" dredged up something more interesting than he had intended, but he's got a collection of porn that would rival Hugh Heffner so he wasn't embarrased to tell us.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:17, Reply)

I've just got a gaz.
It's from a b3tan, who tells me that she's making lasagne with aubergine.

Immediately, I had a mental image of an aubergine being carefully placed between soft folds of pasta. And that struck me as an utterly filthy innuendo.

Thank you, b3ta, for corrupting me.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:17, 6 replies)

My Ring
Im not usually the one to say thing that can be taken out of context, but a years ago i was sat around the dinner table with my family, when i look up and say to my mum "do you think i can get my ring enlarged, its getting a bit tight"

my sister promptly fell off her chair in fit of total hysterics, me on the other hand was confused as to what was so funny.

she still brings it up every now and then.

no appologise for length, the width is where its at.
(SuckYourMum, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:16, Reply)