I mentioned this on /board the other day, strangely enough, so here goes again:
Many moons ago, my parents decided to get an extension built. Part of the process involved breaking up the existing patio. After all the work was completed, we were left with a nice pile of rubble.

My parents, being the ever efficient sorts, chose to advertse in the local paper that we had this rubble, and anyone wishing to use it as the basis of a foundation for a patio or something could take it away for free.

Fair enough, only it was left to my Mum to place that ad.

A few days later, she was explaing she was getting some VERY strange people calling up, asking for "what type was it, and what did it involve?". So, to follow this up, I asked exactly what she had put in the paper. It went something like this:

"I have a large amount of hardcore available for free if anyone has the ability to collect"

I laughed so much, and she was suitably embarressed after I explained what she had done.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:11, Reply)

My Gran, to the rest of the queue in the post office...
as a stranger's dog excitedly yaps around her; 'Oh! I expect he can smell my silly old pussy'.

Cue extreme and never seen before (or since) levels of embarrassment.
( Just Juan Cornetto will take you to the lo-rider show n' flaunt ya on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:11, 1 reply)

Boots, the Chemist
There is a Boots Chemist beneath the office where I work. There is a mousey, bookish, middle aged woman who is chronically shy and cannot seem to properly engage in banter or even eye contact.

I went to pay for my goods the other week. There are 2 credit card readers. Here is the conversation that ensued:

Ms: Mouse: "Sorry - wrong hole - I'm over here"
Me: "Ah. I always get that problem" [winks]
Ms: Mouse: "Oh, no! I mean - I like to spread myself about."
Me: "Oh - fantastic news!"
Ms: Mouse: "No! I mean... over the counter" [whimpers] "Oh! I mean..."
Me: "Can I have an Advantage Card please?"

She won't serve me any more. When I enter the store, suddenly the Nivea looks all out of whack and she busies herself over to straighten it.
(bob T builder, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:10, 1 reply)

dont know if its been mentioned
yesterdays bbc lunchtime news had a bit about children catching crabs at the beech.

how the hell they read that without pissing i will never know
(pogo_it, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:10, Reply)

How we laughed...
When during a geochemistry lecture at uni we learnt about a double chain inosilicate called *Cumingtonite*
(Errorist, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:08, 1 reply)

Book

( Weetobix, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:06, 3 replies)

Empire Biscuits (oh god)
One of our café ladies used to be an actress. You can tell. She looks a bit like a darker version of Ruby Wax but she makes Ruby Wax look like Sister Wendy in a coma. She’s great entertainment and I love being on duty with her because she always comes out with such utterly outrageous things. The other day she spent ten minutes telling me how she’d caught a throat infection because her husband insisted on “spending all day Friday with his tongue wrapped around my epiglottis, darling”. Last week a customer asked for a couple of “those biscuits, over there, I can’t remember what they’re called”. Well, they were empire biscuits, which are flat shortbread biscuity things with a blob of icing on top and some sort of jelly sweet. So Ruby, ever value for money, glanced over and bellowed “Oh, he wants a couple of nipple biscuits! happylittletulip! Pass me some of those nipple biscuits would you?” and then when we had all stopped shrieking and rolling about on the floor, said “I always call them that, well they look like nipples don’t they, or tits, so I suppose you could call them tit biscuits as well, I don’t see why you're all making such a fuss...”

We haven't ordered any more since.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:06, 2 replies)

After swimming
"Did anyone see my great length underwater?"

Apologies for ...
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:06, Reply)

Girl at work was discussing her..
..up and coming wedding. Mindful of not getting her wedding dress marked she exclaimed to a crowd of us "Oh I need to trim my bush"

Sound of people choking and falling off chairs followed..
( Signify, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:05, Reply)

My rather straight-laced aunt
always uses the speakerphone when she calls anyone.

She phoned me one night, many years ago, to enquire after my health. I was very pregnant at the time. I confirmed all was well, and she then enquired if she was interrupting anything.

I couldn't resist. I knew my filthy minded cousin was in the room with her, and could hear every word.

"No, I'm not busy. Just watching George Clooney in ER, lying on the couch, stroking my pussy."

I knew that she would think nothing odd in my watching TV and petting the cat, but I could hear in the background my cousin having hysterics.

I hung up with a naughty smile, picturing him having to explain what was so funny.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:03, 1 reply)

Life immitating B3ta
As I sit reading this very QOTW, our Office Blonde heads over to the communal biscuit tin sat on my desk, picks up a packet and asks everyone "who wants a jammy ring?"

Already giggling at the answers here, I practically sneezed my tea out, before answering "no, just a biscuit thanks".
It was interesting shade of red she went when it finally clicked and the remainder of the office gave similar replies while laughing...

Bonus: when I was at uni I went through a bit of a car modding phase (dunno why - I had a Citroen AX FFS!) As a semi-joke present, my mates got together and bought me a replacement carbonfiber and chrome gearknob. I thought it was the dog's wossnames and promptly fitted it.

A few days later I was giving a lift to some friends and the girl I was sweet on at the time (and now my ex) "B". She was almost a stereotypical blonde - short, cute, huge (and i mean epic) of chest -I was smitten. But she was the very deninition of ditzy; look it up in the dictionary and there would be a picture of her.

Anywho, we arrived at their place for a few beers and we were talking about said addon, when another friend walks in and "B" says "I saw CaptnJack's nob today - its long with a shiny end!" Now that on it's own might be bad enough, but the friend replies with "I'm not suprised, he's been wanting to put it in you for long enough." Cue one mortified "B" and me not knowing whether to laugh or try to deny it.

Length joke? TODAY? Too easy...
(CaptnJack isn't really called Jack!, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:02, Reply)

In a crowded IT lab at uni...
My Irish chum was nipping up the town to hit the record shops. He asked me if I fancied going along, but I told him that I had to finish some stuff off, and then I had to nip to Asda as I was out of food.

"Oh, you couldn't get me a baking potato could you while you're there?" he asked as he headed for the door.

"Aye no probs" I replied.

What definitely wasn't required, was him reaching the door of the lab, turning round to face me, and quite innocently making a circular shape with both hands in his groin area and saying in his heavy Belfast accent "You know how I like 'em - about this big".

I've never laughed so hard in all my life. We still laugh about it 16 years later.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:01, Reply)

I used to have a really really scary headmaster.
I've never known anyone with a more hitler-ish air about them. Once during an assembly he yelled at some boy and threw him out of the hall just for sneezing. He'd clearly never got over the banning of the cane.

Anyway, one day the hitlermaster decided to tell the whole school about an average days work for him... starting with the opener "I begin the day with a quick session with my secretary".

Cue the sound of an entire school trying to keep their sniggers silent at the risk of detention.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:00, Reply)

I titter when..
..I see people wearing Subaru jackets with the STI logo on them..
( Signify, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:00, 1 reply)

Finally, this is my QOTW!!!
I am the Queen of accidental innuendo, in that I say it, everyone laughs and then I realise what I've just said it. Examples:

"If it's not chemistry, it's not going in!" - me referring to how I was struggling to remember other information during revision

"Oh, he's got a big package!"

"Well you have to do it one end or the other!"

And other things, although I can't quite remember them now. I will put them up as soon as I do :p
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:00, 3 replies)

Geography
1988. Mr Fosh, our geography teacher is late as usual. We're all discussing something quite mundane. Mr Fosh walks in and hears the back end of the conversation .. "well I've got one that keeps it warm when it pops out". He arched one eyebrow expertly and continued to his desk looking slightly bemused. We didnt understand why he was confused until someone realised... "toasters! we were discussing toasters"

ah happy days. That was funnier in my head.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:59, Reply)

On the train...
As you pull into Macclesfield station heading south from Manchester (tee hee), look out to the right of the train.

Sadly, the shop with "S and M Supplies" in big letters only sells things like lawnmowers.



EDIT: MINDPISS!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:53, 11 replies)

Kinky little market town
In my sleepy little market town we have the infamous S&M Supplies. If you come through Macclesfield on the train look to the left (if coming from the south) or right (if coming from the North).

They have a lovely selection of chains, padlocks etc. but a definate lack of whips and gimp masks.

30 years old and I still chuckle every time I pass it.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:51, 1 reply)

Inspired by snee.
I was in my students union one night drinking and smoking a fag. This beautiful blonde American girl comes up to me and says:

"Can we butt-fuck, do you mind?"

I just about fell off my chair! She then proceeded to use my cigarette to light hers, said 'thank you' and walked off while I sat there with my jaw on the floor.

Apparently, when you use someone else's fag to light your own it's called 'butt-fucking'. Only in America!
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:48, 2 replies)

I'm enjoying this QotW...
...you could say it's right up my alley!
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:46, 1 reply)

Deliberate innuendo
I used to work in a large department store I sold TV's Videos and Stereo equipment.

One day the cosmetics department on the ground floor borrowed a Hi-Fi for a promotion event, they played music and used it as a PA to attract customers.

At the end of the day I went down to the department to pick up the Stereo and noticed that the volume control was missing, now it must of been the smell of perfume or all the lovely ladies around me but I could not resist saying in a loud clear voice "Excuse me ladies, Have you seen my Knob?"
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:45, Reply)

Local pizzeria does a flavour called Buffalo. It's quite nice.. spicy beef, sausage and green peppers
However, you get odd looks when you go to the counter and ask for "a ten inch buffalo"
(__, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:43, Reply)

When I was in the US...
Having run out of cigarettes, I quite innocently went up to a friend and uttered the immortal line:

"Can I bum a fag?"

Well, how was I to know?
( snee held his breath since, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:42, 1 reply)

On the buses... or on, on the buses.
The bus company in North Staffordshire used to be the Potteries Motor Traction Company Limited - or PMT for short.

They had decorated the back of a double-decker with a big advert extolling the virtues of bus travel. The logo was "Get there quicker with PMT".

But mind the pedestrians, eh?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:39, 2 replies)

Small boys
My younger brothers used to like playing in their rooms together, but needed to distinguish this from playing on computers or with toys.

This explains why my little brother would announce in a loud voice, "Come on, let's go and play with ourselves in my room." or "Can I go on the computer? I've been playing with myself since lunch.".
(Skittlemcfluff ......................, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:38, Reply)

Dirty old woman
Student days in Manchester, lived next door to a couple of lovely old dears, keen ornithologists who were going to Greece for a bit of foreign: "We are going to the isle of Lesbos for some birdwatching". Lucky them.
(Oishii, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:35, Reply)

A friend of mine likes to imitate Jim Royle
i.e. respond to "X" with "X, my arse!"

Just as this was beginning to wear a bit thin, someone told him to "Man up!"

Of course, the unthinking response: "Man up, my arse!"
( the wub - guide onion for the blind, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:34, Reply)

Just now
I was out having a smoke and mentioned to my colleague that Battlestar was taking a mid season break so I'd have nothing to watch on telly. "Fuckin' Americans" says he. "Yeah, that's great" says I....hilarity ensues.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:34, Reply)

In the Alps
Working there 04-05, had quite a close knit group of friends and we all shared a laugh all of the time. Until one of our group (George) met a girl, and completely forgot about us. Now, to be honest, none of us liked her and always thought her to be a bit shady; she lied an awful lot - things like she'd been to Uni (only 19), been skiing all her life (couldn't keep up with a beginners group).

Anyway, it turns out a bit later on George has got an STD from this little basket of whoremuffin. Later on we're all in the pub helping George on working out how to explain this to a French doctor when one of our group pipes up (as due part of the conversation regarding her salubrious nature) "I always thought she was a bit fishy".

We were still laughing about it the next day.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:34, Reply)