I wasn't being very coherent at the time...
...but I was sorely vexed. All I could muster was a confusing and somewhat stoned "Fuck on you, shaggers!"
( Invisible Wizard - 10th Level Nerf-herder, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:32, Reply)

MADDY!
sorry
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:30, Reply)

The funniest insult I saw
Was in an email sent from one kid in IT class to the other, who was sitting next to me.

It simply read:

'You smell like a dead rats crack.'
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:28, Reply)

I like this...
"You've got a face like a bag of smashed crabs."
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:27, Reply)

For stupid people
1. 'Special Branch (Insert military rank here) (Insert name here)' i.e. Special Branch Cadet Petey (for all you stupid people(you know who you are.)

2. Your a fucking 'Leg End' adaptation of cheese end/bell end/nob end, but incorporates them being legendary in their status.
(Menlui laughing maniacally, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:23, Reply)

sisters mate
My sisters mates favourite which i think is amazing was

Your mum's fat, i chucked her in a river
($wift, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:22, Reply)

Hippy Smell
When I was a teenaged lad, I was blessed with long golden locks that flowed halfway down my back. Had I been blessed with being a teenaged lass too, I would doubtless have spent a lot of time being popular.

As is, I was dubbed a hippy and was treated to the stupidest and dullest examples of vitriol that the local chavs (Sidenote: We used to call chavs "donors". As in "brain donor") could muster.

Generally I just ignored them. On the rare occasion that a good insult was launched my way, I filed it away for further use. However, a line has to be drawn at some point.

My line was drawn when a globular fat fuck of a woman, strolling side by side with her glamorous mate in the classic "bird and boiler" combo, shouted across the street "Hey. HEY! Fucking stinking HIPPY!". Hilarity ensued from her festering flabby face.

Hilarity continued for all of a couple of seconds. Enough time, in fact, for me to say "I'd rather be a hippy than a hippo, you wobbly wobbly wobbly fat SLUT!"

This last word, bellowed at the top of my lungs, was the one that turned her tears of mirth into...well, just tears. I don't suppose her mate stifling an audible giggle helped matters. The sobbing bohemoth walked gingerly away from the scene in tatters. I, in triumph.





The irony was that I hadn't washed for 4 days, and fucking stank.
(Light, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:19, Reply)

Hehe
My bro, when he was a young un his absolute worst insult was 'Apple polisher!' And im fucked if i know why its an insult.

My personal favorite is too shout at someone/thing 'You cunty bolloxing bastard' and i have no idea how you make a bastard bollox' or a bollox cunty but i like it. :D
(Menlui laughing maniacally, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:19, Reply)

Seen on the wall off the bogs
billy's got more faces than a totem pole

and i've got a mate who's parting shot is "remember, jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're a cunt"
(studdley ruffrod no crack too slack, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:18, Reply)

Get
stretched
or
Jog on.
( Scary Mary The D'oh Fairy, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:09, Reply)

ex-wife
I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but whenever asked how my exe and I get on I find "I wouldn't piss in her mouth if her teeth were on fire" sums it neatly and avoids any potential confusion.
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:06, Reply)

Mate of mine came up with a classic :
"I'd rather teabag a landmine!"
( laminasni isn't., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:06, Reply)

Well, that's different...
I spent some time on a kibbutz in Israel and the best insult I heard translates loosely to
"Go take a shit in the mielies"
(MissButterfly can't help herself, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:05, Reply)

Bow before the bard
"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-fac'd loon" - Macbeth

"A plague upon you epileptic visage!" - King Lear

"A knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly three-suited hundred-pound filthy worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-talking whoreson, glass-gazing super-servicable finical rogue; one-trunk inheriting slave...coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." - King Lear
(frankspencer, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:03, Reply)

Charlie Brooker
is the king of insults. My favourite one is

"She had a face like a sack full of dented bells"
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:01, Reply)

You Twunt..
Twat/Twit + Cunt
(artesia if a badger crawled out my arse, i'd call it jesus, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:55, Reply)

Quent!
...a blend of queer and bent.

Overheard in a pub the other evening "She's got a cunt like a wizards sleeve!"
(ToMeToYou is bumming a Unicorn on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:52, Reply)

And one more that I actually managed to get out one day
To some bastard that had offended the hell out of me:

"I wouldn't piss up your ass if your guts were on fire."

I'm not sure how that went over.
(MrCynical, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:52, Reply)

You... you.....
Gelatinous Piss Kidney !
(artesia if a badger crawled out my arse, i'd call it jesus, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:50, Reply)

Ah, some of the fun ones
Father to self:

F: Son, would you like to lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
S: Yeah!
F: Cut off your head.

F: You're so ugly you could knock a maggot off a crap wagon at fifty paces.
S: *weep*

Stunningly, our relationship has improved over the years.
(MrCynical, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:47, Reply)

That
is fucking village that is.
(flamangathon is not local, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:43, Reply)

Pretty ladies
I do rather like 'body from baywatch, face from crimewatch'.

Also a friend of man once described a girl in a club as a 'three bagger', for the number of paper bags you'd need during sex. One for her, one for you in case hers falls off and one for the poor bloke peeping through the window.

First post, length is...adequate.
(jabberwocky, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:42, Reply)

dirty bastard
Back when I was an archaeologist we were excavating a particularly deep ditch and it was raining pretty heavily. We were fairly bored shovelling sloppy mud and so the mother gags had been running all day and it was getting to the stage where every sentence had to have "aye, yer ma!" after it.

At lunchtime my mate walked out of the two metre deep ditch absolutely clabbered in muck - there was barely an inch of him free of sticky, clayey mud. He walked up to the site director, stuck his filthy arms into the director's face and said "Here mate, I cavity-searched yer mum last night".

Beautiful.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:42, Reply)

from CSI
Are you stuck on stupid?
(housetits is channelling Natalie Cassidy - then, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:38, Reply)

Awful
Two kids were arguing on the bus to college, one yells at the other: "Its just a shame your mum forgot to bring you home from spain"
The other kid replies: "Yeah, well, Your mum is a...a DONKEYFACE"

Ouch burn.
(annhialus hasn't had an accident since, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:34, Reply)

I used to think I was Oscar fucking Wilde.
When I was in my final year of high school, our yearbook committee wanted me to do caricatures and illustrations for the publication. Pretty normal stuff... some teachers, some students, etc... but the high ups in the school staff didn't want me to do anything that might make the school look bad. In other words, nothing satirical or passing negative comment on others.

I wasn't especially pleased by this, since I figured it was my chance to poke fun at all the feckless little bastards and chavy types who bothered and offended the intelligentsia of the school on a daily basis. Charged with righteous indignation and disdain for "the man", I produced a poster in the style of one of those evolution of man diagrams, but in reverse, with the sort of capped moron prominent at my school at the end following the chimpanzee. I then put it in the bottom corridor as a means of protest and social commentary.

In the three hours it took for a member of staff to spot it and take it down (I'm surprised it even took that long) the following conversation took place between periods by those it offended and myself in graffiti-form.


"Your a pure poof. SUCK MA DICK, YAAAAAAS!!!!"


Me: "Does it affirm your masculinity and heterosexuality to ask another man to suck you off? You must be incredibly comfortable in your sexuality"


"WHIT ARE YOU ABOUT? THIS IS PURE GAY"


Me: "Well I'm sure you're the expert on that. What with your trend for asking anonymous men to blow you."


"FUCK YOU!!!!! (crude phallic imagery drawn on the bodies of all my characters)"


Me: "I think we've established that won't ever happen."



I don't know if my new friend wrote anything else, since I never saw the poster again after that. The staff couldn't pin it on me since I hadn't signed it, but my art teacher was a little colder to me after that point, presumably since it had been passed around the staff room in an effort to lay blame as well as (I presume) cartooning not being a legitimate art form in his opinion.



I didn't apologise for length then, so why now?
(the_fracturedpope, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:25, Reply)

I've got a friend who...well, lets just be frank. she's a slut.
she enjoys calling herself a Sausage Wallet.
kinda takes the fun out of it when she beats you
to it, though.
( *f o o f* is a craft-aholic, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:21, Reply)

Pantie Waste
First heard on cartoon called "The Cramp Twins".

Reminds me of the word "discharge".
(deleted, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:20, Reply)

It's what I am.
I have become known as, (after my mate wanted to call me an unpleasent name)

Porny Dirt Monger...

I laughed until milk came down my nose, and I wasn't even drinking milk at the time.

It's what I am.
(rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:19, Reply)